Something about you
by HCLG
Summary: Not about Family Guy as such, but a Romantic story based on 'our' man Seth as a main character. The story of a young British woman who impulsively makes some decisions which change her life dramatically. Exploring the idea that love at first sight is not only possible, but perhaps the truest form of love there is... Intense and explicit.
1. Chapter 1

Something about you…

As I glanced up the red carpet, the atmosphere was intense and exciting. Along a line of figures; celebrities and their PR's swept around the VIP area, chins raised, avoiding eye-contact, clutching their mobile phones, clip-boards and some, the handbags of their celebrity protégés who sashayed and pouted for the benefit of the hungry rabble of paparazzi, die-hard fans and tourists in the crowd. Shouts of 'over here' and 'to your right' rang out as photographers fought for that perfect image for next mornings press reports.

Amongst the chaos, my eyes had been drawn unexpectedly in a particular direction and I had been unable to break my gaze. I was unsure as to how long I had been looking at that particular person before my consciousness kicked in, but I found myself wondering if I was looking somewhat frozen.

I felt a twinge of awkwardness and briefly looked down before carrying out a few more long stares in other directions, just for good measure, in case I had been noticed gawping.

I was self-consciously ensuring to maintain an air of indifference that evening, as is the practice when mingling in such circles. I knew this from my own work back in London, that industry people must not react or get excited, in fact the opposite was preferable.

Despite having 'permission' to float around the red-carpet area as my friend Anna's assistant, and being dressed for the event, I still felt like a spare part... essentially, this is exactly what I was.

I am not certain why I felt anyone there would actually notice or care that my eyes had been following the same person since his arrival. Perhaps the fact that I felt like a fish out of water to start with coupled now with this unexpected reaction to a complete stranger made me feel as though the intensity of reaction I was experiencing could possibly be visible from the outside.  
I did not even want to identify consciously what I was feeling at that stage, in any case, as I did not exactly know. All I was sure of was an overwhelmingly strong sense of fascination and I was letting myself be carried by the wave due to its compelling nature. I was feeling rather reckless of late, hence my abrupt decision to fly to Los Angeles, and so was open to allowing whatever unfolded that evening to take its course. Agreeing to attend that evening had been pretty minor in comparison with flying across the Atlantic on the invite of an old friend with no plan.

I was fascinated by this figure, who drew my attention like a magnet from just a few feet away, I felt a tingling sensation of excitement building and I let it take hold of me. I had not felt this sort of thing before but it was certainly addictive. My thoughts were interrupted:

'Sarah! Grab this for me'

(a revolting stuffed toy heart was thrust into my hands by my friend, Anna who was in full PR mode). Her Client, a 19-year-old actress, was the latest thing. Beautiful and talented with the kind of wit and poise you only see in people twice her age. Sasha Templeman was fresh from the success of her debut film and Anna's company were using any A-list event to get her face seen in public. Not that she needed to be pushed forward. The press and public were desperate for her and she was holding court in the middle of the red carpet - a hundred camera flashes enveloped her as she beamed and answered shouted questions from the crowd. She was beautiful and she was going down a storm.  
I grabbed the stuffed toy (passed to her by a man in an anorak and glasses near the barrier) Feeling silly, I clutched it awkwardly behind my back. Anna disappeared instantly to return to Sasha's aid as she was currently avoiding a rather pointed question posed by a member of the press. She handled it perfectly and shone him a smile but I could tell Anna just wanted to get her moving off down the carpet and into the relative safety of the back stage area.  
I felt myself start as I realised those moments of distraction had meant I lost sight of him, something I unconsciously didn't want to do. I experienced an odd sinking feeling before reprimanding myself for having such a silly teenage reaction over a stranger who came and had now gone before I could make sense of why I was even looking at him so fixedly.  
Suddenly there he was again - and so was that pang in my chest. Just a glimpse this time; of the back of his head - dark hair and the side of his face as he went into the auditorium. I wanted to see more.  
Instinctively I moved myself inside.

Once in the backstage area, mingling with the VIPs, felt much the same as it does waiting to go into a normal theatre. No one has much space and everyone is hanging around, some are talking; some desperately trying to catch the attention of someone they know across the room. I stood amongst it all and scanned the faces for him unconsciously. I spied him on one side of the room being interviewed on camera. He looked animated and smiley as he replied to the interviewer and all the huddle of crew around him seemed jolly and entertained by him. The light from on top of the camera, which shone directly into his face made him possible to study even from a distance. This pool of light allowed me to gain more experience of his appearance. He looked to be around his mid thirties, tall and slim, but broad shouldered, shining white teeth, short black, messily designed hair, light tan, a cliché of male Hollywood star perfection, I mused. He was handsome beyond anything I had ever seen before; I could not stop looking at him. His appearance stunned me.

I raised my fingertips to my lips - half fearing my gawping had resulted in leaving my mouth open without realising. Then I caught his gaze. For one powerful, single, hour-long second, he looked back. Energy flowed. His eyes caught me and he looked right back. I stared like I'd been smacked in the face. Undeniable chemistry. Then, like snapping finger and thumb, he seemed to start visibly... A moment of consciousness perhaps, a slight frown appeared on his forehead, then as if to unexpectedly peel off the mask to reveal a face which was never really his, raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement and flicked me a big white universal 'showbiz' smile, his eyes darting away almost before the grin began. I could tell he was confused by the look that we shared. Or was he confused by me and who I was?… by why I was looking from across the room? It was momentary but it was powerful. Undeniable. Why did he smile though? I wondered. Did he think he knew me and decided to be polite? I was certain he had seen me look back at him.

The interview continued as if never paused, he entertained his huddle, not looking back, and I was left, hand covering mouth, (which was definitely open) and I realised at that moment, I really needed to breathe.

'Hey work experience! Where did you go?' Anna tapped me on the shoulder. 'Sash is backstage with Mike Myers and Victoria Beckham' she announced cheerily ' I KNOW' she mouthed 'odd combo' but she's fine in there and I need a breather. It's like dropping your kid off at nursery! Wey-hey free time! Seen anyone interesting?'  
'Wha'? Erm, no not really...' (I wasn't even listening) 'I just came in to find the bar - all those Paparazzi shouting were driving me mad so then I kind of got stuck with the crowd in here' I fiddled with the Access all Areas pass hanging around my neck on a cord and ended up fanning myself with it. Thankfully she did not seem to pick up on my rattled demeanour  
'Oh ok.' She seemed to be calming down a bit from her buzzing. 'Hey there's Seth – Seth MacFarlane – you know, the animator?… Well did you know he's also a Musician?' I knew his name by now, I'd worked it out just about some time between 'the look' and realising I had been in a miniature time-warp with him.  
'Oh really?' I said casually.

'Yeah, I know him pretty well now; He's managed by Masterson-Peters. He's such a laugh.' She continued. He scored the soundtrack and sang some of the songs for this movie. Hey, last week we worked out he went to the same school as my cousin when he came in to do his diary planning, how weird is that?!'

I nodded in response. She knew him! I was feeling a bit odd and silly about the way I had been thinking. As a 'real-life' back-story started to unfold about this person, my little daydream seemed even more childish and distant from reality. I felt stupid. I wondered if I was deluded or just jet-lagged still. I decided reluctantly to pull myself together, to forget about him and get on with the evening. I told myself to stop being ridiculous and behaving like a 15-year-old.

Initially I was excited that Anna had brought me along to a premiere as her 'work experience' so I could do some star spotting and see the film before the rest of the world with all the Hollywood names. I had only landed at LAX three days ago and most of my time in LA had been spent recovering from the flight, chatting over breakfast and dinner with Anna or watching American daytime TV, so I suppose I was still a bit in shock to be there that evening in a frock, with stars and the press on a red carpet and most recently having a time warp with who I had now recognised was a well-known celebrity.

I came over to see Anna on a whim, wanting to escape my daily existence and try something new. I had called Anna out of the blue and she encouraged me to throw caution to the wind and get on the plane, so after a brief online search I had bought myself an open ticket to the 'City of Angels'.

Gradually the crowd from the VIP area in which I was standing filtered into the auditorium and I too, found my seat.

I did not look for Seth during the screening. It was deliberate but not easy, as despite the peculiarity of the situation, I could not get that look we had shared out of my mind. It had been like a smack in the face. So abrupt, yet so clear and it had captivated me.

The movie was absorbing, I enjoyed it and kept reminding myself that I ought to be grateful for having such an experience rather than becoming distracted and missing it all. I tried to commit as much of this night to memory as possible. Being the type of person who preferred to down-play most things, I often forgot to enjoy 'the moment' and had a habit of discounting the emotion of things after the event had passed, but this, I reasoned was a fairly privileged position to find myself in and I should take it all in.

Anna sat with me during the screening, but she had already briefed me that I would need to make my own way to the after show event as she was going to have to follow Sasha to 'protect' her and get her safely into the party.

It was only next door to the theatre in a large hotel ballroom and a sheltered walkway had been erected at the back of the theatre so those VIPs and guests who wanted to move from one event to the other unseen could do so in a relaxed and 'discreet' manner. I guessed I would just follow the throng and see her in there. Once Sasha was into the party, Anna would be free from her duties and we could do as we pleased for the rest of the night.

I was momentarily exposed to the welcome warm evening air as I entered the protected walkway. It was definitely a rare treat in a town that was so thoroughly air-conditioned, one became aware of the scent the real air, rather like when leaving a long-haul flight to somewhere hot; faintly spicy, with a good dose of humidity.

Following the crowd through the white canvas fairy-lit tunnel towards the party, I shuffled along slowly, attempting to blend in and depict a look, which professed that I did this sort of thing all the time. In reality, I had my ears open as it was actually fairly exciting and I took in the atmosphere and chatter. I caught snippets of conversation from fellow guests; which turned out to be mainly chat about the film and some about where the bar was. Funny how no matter which circles you mix in, human beings are basically all the same, looking for similar things. I continued to feign nonchalance, even though inside I kept thinking: I am at a Hollywood premiere party and that is Scarlett Johansson over there. I wished I were not alone so that I could turn to some one and giggle with them about the absurdity of the situation. I wondered what certain friends and acquaintances would think if they had a window into my world at that moment and I half wished some of them did… The ones I would like to impress… I could never do justice when telling those sorts of stories after the event so I rarely bothered. Subsequently I felt those who knew me, who thought they knew me, actually knew nothing special about me at all. I think I prefer it that way though.

I reached the entrance to the back of the hotel building where the party was already in full swing, distant music, chat and food smells were escaping the ornate gilt decorated double doorway and I started to feel a little more in the spirit of things, looking forward to a good girlie night with Anna once she was free. I glanced about me, wondering if I would see Anna and Sasha, I then realised they might have taken the front route deliberately to allow the paparazzi another chance at some shots. Anna did not miss a trick in that sense. Not that publicity was a difficult thing to fathom. Anna was capable of so much more but she had fallen into this job whilst trying to break into screenwriting. She was in the right place at the right time and it just seemed to spiral. Now on her admission, she was unlikely to go back to her original goal, basically due to the money being so good. I felt sad for her in a way. I recognised the trap from my own situation back home.

It suddenly occurred to me my butterflies had come back and that I was anticipating seeing Seth again. Where did that come from? I thought I had buried it.

Thankfully, I spied a distraction: Anna was just ahead of me scanning the sea of faces queuing… she looked like she was waiting for me so I raised my hand and waved.

'Anna! Over here'

She saw me immediately and came over to the queue, which was now backing up by the doors as the security men checked everybody's passes.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the queue, through the wall of security, flipping her pass at them and nodding towards the one around my neck. One of them nodded and stepped aside momentarily to let us pass.

'Listen, Sasha's being a bit of a pain in the arse, I'm afraid', she hissed breathlessly. Anna seemed mildly stressed but it was often hard to tell the difference between her excitement and stress reactions.

'I was trying to find you to warn you you're going to have to entertain yourself for a fair bit more time than I thought tonight… I'm really sorry Sarah… I reckon our night out is going to be sabotaged'

'Oh' I tried not to sound annoyed.

We continued walking into the venue but made a sharp turn up a corridor and ended up in a sort of backstage area next to the ballroom where the party was happening.

All the noise of the party was going on behind huge floor to ceiling black drapes. A few people were wandering around, kitchen staff carrying canapés, other PR and waiting staff. One or two were perched on a couple of boxes close to the fire exit. A couple more were smoking just outside.

'She wants to stay on late as she's been invited to a party in someone's suite later in the hotel' Anna continued in hushed tones. I leaned in as we walked understanding that she really didn't want anyone catching what she was saying. Despite security, journalists often hid themselves in places such as the area we were now, blending in with the scenery and attempting to pick up on any juicy little bits of info on the celebrities that a careless crewmember might happen to leak…

We perched ourselves a little way back from the fire doors at the end of the huge long hallway created by the drapes. We sat on some wine crates.

'She's in there now but I kind of think I am going to have to sit this out and keep an eye on her' she sighed.

'Would've been fine if she'd just stayed for this bit and gone home but now she's got an invite from T-jay to his party she's got all star-struck herself'

T-Jay?!' I mouthed back at her incredulously. (This guy was a serious a-lister, no wonder she wanted to go)

'I know' she replied 'Only… he's actually got a bit of a rep…'

'Er – of course he has – he is always trailing women around after him – but at least she won't be on her own' I giggled, picturing Sasha as one of his group of 'bitches'; What an appalling thought!

'No', Anna hissed back, he's erm kind of into er, substances.

She looked at me sideways and then glanced around her nervously.

I was taken aback.

'Anna? How old are you? We left School many, many years ago surely this is pretty much expected at this sort of event isn't it?' I laughed

'Not anymore it's not… maybe in London, but not in LA' she continued in hushed tones. The police are pretty hot on random checks. Besides Sasha is only 18, she's not even old enough to buy herself a drink let alone get caught up in something like that. Seriously Sarah, even smoking is considered a bit outrageous these days. You're lucky if you find somewhere that it's allowed.'

'Well it seems fine just over there' I gestured casually, pointing my thumb and nodding in the direction of the open doorway where a few figures were leaned in various places, puffing away lazily. Their smoke was backlit from the floodlights outside, due to the hall we were standing in being fairly dark.

Anna began to protest that it wasn't the point and Sash was her responsibility and what a pain in the backside because we were going to have a fun night and now she was going to have to stay sober but I was concentrating on someone leaning against one of the doors.

I could only see him in silhouette, but to me he was instantly recognisable. One foot raised and pressed against the door he leant on; head slightly tilted back as he took a long drag from his cigarette, then after a pause, exhaling slowly, he looked down and kicked at something on the ground before sensing that someone was staring at him. He turned his head towards us and as the light fell across his face, he caught my eyes for the second time. I felt my stomach jolt.

'SHIT' I muttered quickly looking down.

'Sarah?' Anna stared at me, then back at the doorway just in time to see Seth flick down and stamp out his cigarette and begin walking over towards us.

'ohmygod' I cringed muttering 'fuck, fuck, fuck' under my breath. She didn't hear me thankfully.

'Hey Anna' He stood a metre away from us: ruffled dark hair, a hint of chin stubble, black evening suit, perfect white shirt and black tie, black shoes (I wasn't so shocked that I couldn't muse that he had really long feet) and hands shoved in his pockets, a bit like a naughty school boy. He flashed his huge beautiful white smile and looked first to Anna and then turned his head very slightly and flicked his eyes towards mine expecting to be introduced.

'Hey Seth!' Anna sounded genuinely pleased to see him. 'How come you're not in there?' she smiled. He continued looking at me: a hint of recognition on his face.

'Oh by the way, this is Sarah, Sarah this is Seth'.

'Pleasure to meet you Sarah' he extended his hand to me and I took it, 'likewise' I replied panicking that my hand was clammy, I was desperate to take it back but couldn't help but notice how smooth his skin was and how long his fingers were. His hand was warm and he gripped my hand gently but gave it a slight squeeze. My stomach surged again. I managed a weak smile. We continued to stare at each other after our greeting and our hands retreated at half speed but Anna didn't seem to notice as she was now rummaging in her bag because her phone was ringing.

'I uh, thought we already met somewhere…?' Seth asked, his forehead creasing slightly. 'Um no, I don't think so' I said quickly, feeling my face flush a little. 'Oh. Sure, ok. You just seem so familiar. D'you work with Anna at MPM?' My mouth was going dry now but I managed to assure him I had only joined her for tonight as a guest.

'I kind of get enough of these do's to be honest' Seth began, the faintest Mona Lisa smile on his lips, replying to Anna's question as a subject-change even though she was not listening now… Every part of me was freaking out as he stood before me. 'They're not really my kind of thing, he continued, eyes slowly travelling the details of my face as though his words were just filling in whilst he used them as a reason to study at me, 'I just have to come here and talk to a few people. Show my face and then get out when I can… it was expected that I came to this though.'

'Oh, of course'

Was all I could manage to say as I realised I had begun to study his face in the same manner. I shifted one foot to the other and looked down for a second trying to compose myself. Having such proximity to him, with little warning was more than a shock to my system and even though I felt glued to the spot I was completely desperate to run away because I didn't think I would be able to keep myself giving away the turmoil this was causing me much longer.

Anna was hissing slightly crossly into her mobile phone by now and we both momentarily looked sideways at her before I felt compelled to contribute in the attempt to break what was becoming a bit of an embarrassing situation.

'I um… I'm here as Anna's guest… kind of helping her out too. I gabbled. I've only been here 3 days so this whole scene is all a bit new to me' My voice went high-pitched at the end of my sentence and I swallowed desperately trying to appear vaguely normal. Seth smiled and laughed lightly seeming to ignore my embarrassment.

'Believe me, it's still new to me in a lot of ways…' He continued thoughtfully. 'Don't think you ever really get used to this sort of thing. It's unreal to all of us… people who say otherwise are pretending' Seth's voice was beautifully deep and he spoke with an educated American accent, perfect diction, but also a very slight hint of East Coast dialect in which he lengthened some of his vowels, the combination was impossibly attractive and I hung on his every word. 'I kind of prefer having a smoke with the backstage guys anyway… always have' he sighed. 'So I saw' I replied managing to find my personality somewhere and giving him a smile.

He looked back at me then glanced toward Anna briefly.

'Sarah, can I get you something to drink? I left mine back inside the party and I can see you don't have one either…' He paused… I could tell he was studying my reactions still and felt my cheeks burn slightly.

I noticed that Anna half waved in our direction, I assume trying to gesture she would be with us as soon as she could get off the call. She mouthed 'sorry' at me and then had to continue speaking so she spun around on her heels and marched off up the hallway leaving me alone with Seth.

'Oh, er, that would be great I replied, but I think I should wait here for Anna…' I began 'she was in the middle of telling me our plans are changing.'

'Of course… no need for you to go anywhere, just wait here. I'll be back' And with that he turned on his heel and slipped through a side door which seemed to be towards one of the service areas.

I stood still for a second, OH MY GOD. I exhaled slowly. Relieved to have a moment to compose myself. I took a deep breath in and couldn't help but think shit shit shit! I cannot believe this. Seth-fucking-MacFarlane. I probably only had a few minutes before one of them would be back and I had to get myself together! It was not a familiar thought process - not for anyone I would have thought; right now I found myself in one of the surrealist moments of my life. Not least was I in LA at a premiere after show party but now having had a bizarre unexpected reaction to a stranger, who just happened to be famous, he had suddenly appeared and been introduced to me and I was being brought a drink by him and could barely breathe.

My panicking was interrupted by Seth's dark chocolate voice behind me:

'Hey I hope you like whisky, I didn't even ask you what you wanted…' I turned quickly and there he stood, two glasses in this hands with what could only be described as a 'home measure' of spirits on ice. I admired what a sight he was; his presence was arresting to me. He carried himself with such poise and control whilst I tried not to shake visibly in response to him.

'I figured you may be familiar with the stuff coming from the UK? You are British right?' he smiled offering me one of the glasses. I took it carefully with my fingertips, smiling back and feeling extremely grateful for the chance to calm my nerves.

'Yes, I am British and yes, unfortunately I am also pretty familiar with this stuff' I smiled back, partially because I found his rather naïve, stereotypical assumption was quite endearing. For the first time since the moment I met him, I allowed my eyes to give away a little of what was going through my mind. I stared into his. They were mesmerising - extremely dark, black- brown - so dark, that I could barely see their centre and something about them, in addition to the genuine smile that shone through them, betrayed a real seriousness, a sincerity which I doubted existed in many of those in his world.

I shifted from one foot to the other. I wanted to have him to myself and not be standing in a hallway. I wanted to be able to talk to him properly and make the most of this moment, which I was beginning to enjoy. I still I didn't feel able to put one foot in front of the other though.

'Want to sit?' He read my mind. We perched on the boxes we were standing by. Seth smiled politely at me holding my glass and waiting for me to sit, then whilst I settled myself, took a small sip from his glass and looked out towards the doors and the busy to-ing and fro-ing of the staff.

Seth settled himself beside me and handed me my glass.

'So Sarah, what exactly are you doing here… you said you only just arrived in LA …' He turned slightly towards me holding his glass in one hand, but I couldn't help notice that he didn't appear to know where to put his other hand and it seemed quite sweet and vulnerable somehow. He rested it on his thigh eventually and I could see that at rest, his fingers were slightly curled as if he was mildly awkward. Though his voice was strong and he spoke charmingly and carried himself confidently, in that moment he had a demeanour of someone who was not quite so rehearsed. I was surprised by this and found myself relaxing amazingly quickly as a result. His slightly surprising, unassuming approach was really quite disarming.

'Well,' I began, 'I came over here to see Anna. We've been friends since school and she's been in LA so much in the last couple of years we never get to see each other. She kept asking me to, so last week I came over'

Seth gazed intently at me giving me all his attention. I felt flattered by this and was surprised that he did not make me feel uneasy. The whisky was starting it's sweet work on me by now and I could just sense the slight warmth begin to flow around my body and down my legs, as the alcohol gave me some much needed assistance.

'What do you do for work?' he asked, taking another small sip and looking up at me from the rim of his glass – he looked so good in that second, I felt myself suck my breath slightly as I was caught up in his gaze. He was completely stunning and despite his ability to inspire my confidence to speak, I couldn't dissipate the physical reaction I had to him. I breathed slowly to disguise it before sighing lightly. 'Well I have been working in TV research, I sort of fell into it in a way. I'm not sure it's for me any more though: it just doesn't excite me the way it should. I'm taking a break after I left my last job… that's all I know right now.' I sighed again and looked away.

'Well that doesn't sound good!' he laughed lightly turning toward me more and raising his eyebrows.

'Yeah…' I said distantly 'I'm in a bit of a rut actually, there are so many other things I want to do more…but' I trailed off

'Oh now you've got me really intrigued' Seth smiled. 'I want to ask you so much!'

'I er… well I'm definitely looking at changing direction… I'm not sure how that's going to turn out right now.' I looked down at the floor, feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to go into details, which were not exactly _details_ at that stage, as that would imply some sort of plan on my part. Planning was not exactly what I had done for a while.

'I'm sorry to pry' Seth said suddenly looking concerned. My face must have fallen a bit, betraying what a genuine concern it was to me at that point. He seemed to recognise the need to change the subject.

He looked at his shoes and shifted his feet slightly.

'You know, I saw you back there before the screening' he said '… in the theatre lobby'

I looked up at him thinking it was an odd thing to say all of a sudden – it shocked me, Seth returned his gaze to me.

My heart accelerated again. Shit, he did remember it. I thought to myself. I panicked taking a large sip of whisky. I had hoped for a less demanding change of subject.

'I saw you looking over at me from the other side of the foyer' He continued.

'I er… I' I stammered immediately feeling silly and in doing so, not detecting the emotion in his voice was out of intrigue rather than inquisition. I don't even know why I felt guilty about it, but I did. I worried that maybe he thought I was a journalist or something.

'Er yes I did. Sorry…. It wasn't an intentional thing; I don't know why I did it… I was just standing there waiting for Anna and I looked and, well there you were…. I think I'm just mad from jet-lag or something'. I noticed Seth was shaking his head at what I was saying, but all I could think was: God I feel really stupid. Shut up! as words came tumbling from my mouth. He continued studying my reaction with a poker straight face.

I desperately wanted Anna to return now. Where the hell was she and what was taking her so bloody long? I looked around the hallway desperately trying to spot her.

'Sarah, it's fine, I didn't mean for you to apologise' Seth's voice was deep and quiet with a reassuring tone. Hearing him say my name like that made me feel like a teenager inside.

I bit my lip.

I slowly turned until I was looking back at him and recognised the same look in his eyes once more. A shiver flowed down my spine. I was confused at what he said, but right at that moment, I was too hooked by his stare to think at all.

'God I am SO sorry you two!' Anna's voice sung out from up the hallway 'Seth, I hope you have been looking after my friend for me!' We broke our gaze and turned simultaneously towards her.

'Oh I see he is' she exclaimed noting our whisky.

She breezed over and sat on the box below us.

'I just couldn't get rid of her' she exclaimed, rubbing her forehead.

'Your boss huh?' Seth asked knowingly, shifting instantly into a completely different gear now that Anna had rejoined us.

'yep' she replied scornfully 'He knows what a 'gem' she is' she said to me.

'Yeah she's one heck of a gal!' Seth replied completely deadpan before taking a long sip of whisky.

'Hey Anna, you want one?' he held up and tipped his glass in her direction.

'I could murder one Seth, but I can't. I'm on baby-sitting duties tonight' she moaned.

'Bummer' he nodded seeming to understand why without explanation.

'yep' she sighed

'Listen Sarah' she began as she turned to me 'I have to go and check on madam are you ok here for a bit? Go into the party if you like?' she offered looking from me to Seth and back again. 'Don't wait for me'.

'Er, I' I had not recovered yet from the turn of the conversation..

'What are you up to Seth - are you with the gang or on your own tonight?' Anna continued. I cringed, knowing what she was going to say next.

'Yeah I kind of dumped the guys … they're on a bender… not my scene tonight' he swilled his whisky in the glass as he looked into it.

'Perfect!' she exclaimed 'Sarah – meet your date for the evening!' she laughed.

Seth laughed too.

I was dumbstruck with embarrassment.

'It'd be a pleasure' he replied immediately, and smiled at me 'that is… if you want to?' he asked slightly less confidently.

'Oh er… yes of course' I managed to stammer.

'Excellent!' Anna trilled in a hurry

'Are you ok to get back ? Know your way?' she called back at me as she marched off. 'Ask the door guy to book you a car – use your pass!' she gestured towards the 'Access all areas' pass. 'Seth, show her round' She disappeared behind the drapes and off into the party.

'She's a whirlwind!' Seth laughed. Then we went silent for a while.

'Shall we get out of here?' Came his voice out of the ashes of Anna's exit.

'wha'?' I spun round almost as if startled and realised Seth had been staring at me all that time.

'I said shall we get out of here…' he repeated turning to look at me.

'I' I stammered again. My head was spinning so much with the turn of events, I couldn't even manage to find anything useful to say.

He continued 'I don't really want to stay here and neither do you, I can tell, so what do you think to us making our escape to some place more interesting?' he smiled.

'Where should we escape to?' I replied (stupid idiot I thought, the minute I replied)

I think Seth recognised my difficulty.

'I have somewhere in mind if you're ok with that… I've got the transport' He laughed lightly as he stood and offered a hand to help me up.

The reason being – I discovered soon after was that the 'transport' was a chauffeur driven black Bentley which he'd made sound a simple as a bus ticket.

An hour later we found ourselves in an exclusive basement bar in Bel Air, drinking Irish coffee, sitting on leather club chairs and listening to crackly old jazz tunes. There was a maximum of ten people in the whole place, it was fantastically intimate, and no one giving a damn what each other were doing there or why. The service was artful; Our server called by when he saw us begin to tip our cups higher, meaning our drinks needed replenishing, at which point he caught Seth's eye and Seth nodded in agreement to another round, which arrived swiftly and silently.

I clutched my cup with both hands and breathed in the sweet scent of the coffee, lightly laced with alcohol. It was perfectly comforting and my long breath out was a sigh.

Seth smiled in recognition of my contentment and reclined into his chair.

'Isn't this better?' he mused comfortably, looking slightly off my direction for a second or so, before returning to look at me. 'I love this tune'.

Seth had removed his black suit jacket to the back of his chair and he was sitting opposite me, in a black waistcoat, his white shirtsleeves rolled half way up his forearms. His tie was slightly loosened at the neck now but he left it on. He carried off the look convincingly. 'Handsome' didn't even scratch the surface as far as he was concerned 'debonair' was closer but frankly, I had never actually spent time with someone I would describe that way before. He had that aura famous people carry that makes others look, without them having to do anything to attract attention. He was certainly something special to look at. To my eyes, Seth appeared very much as though he was styled for a magazine shoot. I was doing my level best not to stare but I noticed Seth was doing the same thing to me anyway.

I was quite pleased about that, to realise he was watching me too with a small smile on his lips. I was feeling good about the way I looked that evening. My long dark hair woven into loose curls and I wore a simple knee-length swing skirted black dress and tall heels. The pair of us looked a little over dressed in eveningwear to be out for coffee, but it was a romantic image, so reminiscent of 'old Hollywood'.

I looked around the room. Despite the easy and relaxed ambience of this place, the clientele instinctively knew the dignified behaviour that was expected of them and everybody played their part with precision. This was not just any old bar. The cliché benchmark of wealth – the watches, handbags and shoes in this place certainly were apparent, plus I saw more than one 'Black card' flipped out in payment of a bill.

I was getting a little more used to being with Seth now and remarkably, I was even slowly beginning to forget who he was… feeling less fazed by sitting opposite this man, known to so many…who was recognisable to me to, but I was also starting to become familiar with him in a physical sense the longer we spent in each others company. Getting to know his gestures and expressions was hypnotising to me. I was fascinated by him - not simply due to the aesthetic beauty he clearly held, but equally as powerful, I was spellbound by the reality of him, his movements and gestures and the sound of his speaking voice were the gaps in my knowledge before now. I had only ever really seen him in pictures and occasionally on television. I now was starting to get to know and like him as a real person and not feel overwhelmed by the idea of his image.

'So,' I said after a pause, 'Do you come here often' I smirked raising one eyebrow at him. 'Sorry I couldn't resist that'. To which Seth shone me his grin, blinked casually and replied anyway; 'only when I want some privacy'.

He looked into his cup, 'or when I want to hear some decent tunes… I can't bear being blasted with techno at 100 decibels'. He fiddled slightly self-consciously with a pack of matches on the table, flicking it between his long fingers quite skilfully.

' Jazz is definitely your thing then?' I smiled

'Yep amongst others... Swing, jazz. Big band stuff' He looked up 'Depends on the mood I'm in, but mainly it is, yeah'. He glanced back at his matches.

'I love jazz too, have done since I was little.' I sipped my drink without lowering my eyes from him.

'My Granddad used to play classic jazz to my brother and me on vinyl when we were still in Primary school and we loved it, we used to dance to it in the hallway". I smiled at the memory. "I didn't tell the other kids they'd have crucified me for it!' I added with a light laugh. He raised his eyebrows in interest.

'That's very cool… ' He remarked. 'Unusual too.'

'Yeah exactly, but it's that kind of thing which makes for a more interesting character, don't you think?'

He smiled.

'So anything else you like musically?' I asked.

'Well yeah, I mean, I do like lots of other types of music too,' he continued 'It's just that through writing scores for the screen, I just have developed really specific ideas about when and where they ought to be played.'

'How do you mean?'

'Well obviously it directs the mood of the visuals for a start… but you know, I just think there's never a good time for hip-hop or rap' he grinned sweetly giving me some more of those beautiful eyes.

I sniggered 'Oh I do know _exactly_ what you mean about Rap' I returned the grin and paused, testing the moment before either of us spoke.

'To be honest,' I continued, 'I could pretty much listen to music all day long, it's like a soundtrack to my life'. I smiled.

'Wow really?' He seemed more excited than impressed. Like it struck a chord with him.

'I'm the same - completely' he nodded. "I'm always singing – in the car, the office, the shower" he grinned. 'I play a lot of music myself too though. Can't get enough of that, not quite 'til my fingers bleed but almost' he laughed lightly. 'It relaxes me'.

I smiled, understanding and feeling his metaphor for the level of passion music held for him. His eyes were alive as he talked about it.

I nodded. 'I can understand that…. For me, there's just something inside me which flicks a light on when I hear music' I said, tracing the line of the rim of my cup thoughtfully. 'Music moves me emotionally, it's beyond my control'. When I looked up he was staring at me, recognition in his eyes, he stared just longer than would normally be comfortable. It made me nervous and I quickly stammered out a change in subject to cover my awkwardness.

'So er, how is it you're so averse to the all the showbiz pizzazz then?' I asked

'I wouldn't say 'averse' as such… Seth pondered… Seems like something to strive for, but I can't help feeling there's more to life… you just get tired of it all: kind of jaded, you know?'

'Not really' I shrugged honestly, looking clueless to make him explain.

'Well it's all pretty exciting I guess… at first it is… so much going on, you get invited to places, you meet people, you get the attention and so on'

'Women all over you?' I added cheekily, wondering why I instantly felt jealous about that idea.

'Well yeah it happens, but… those girls are not generally the kind you want to get to know…' He smiled at me.

'So you're not a 'player' then?' I asked looking sideways at him with a smirk.

'No – NO! ' He sounded quite horrified. 'It's not just the women who chase you anyway: a lot of press and paparazzi want a piece of you too… oh and don't get me started on the autograph hunters. He rolled his eyes. Anyway, the women who hang out in these sorts of circles, they just kind of obsess over shopping and hair and getting to be on reality TV shows, they'll put out – sure they will - but really, they're only after a rich guy to fund their expensive habits. The kind of conversation you get out of them is not exactly stim-u-lating in my opinion' he said the word 'stimulating' really slowly with emphasis on each syllable, which made us laugh together. We sipped our drinks.

He looked up,

'So all this has got to appeal to you in some way, or else why did you come along tonight?' he asked matter-of-factly and with renewed energy, slightly more distant again.

'Well uh, I can't say it isn't interesting to me, but as you know; this is my first time so I am just looking all around me, seeing new things…taking it all in. It's a similar feeling to going to Las Vegas for the first time, I'd say…. I don't think I would want to live this way though, I know that already.'

He raised his eyebrows to this, then mused a little, looking off into the distance.

'First time huh? God, I envy you. Been to so many of these events now I forget, normality seems like another dimension to me sometimes…' he drifted off into thought.

'Rather be somewhere like we are now?' I asked gesturing the bar we were in.

'Well in present company, of course' Seth replied with a smile, convincingly charmingly.

I blushed a little and looked down, taken by surprise by his polite flattery.

'Did I make you blush?!' Seth laughed cheekily, leaning back in his chair, in a slightly cocky motion.

'No!' I mumbled instinctively defending myself from his teasing.

'I'm just a bit… warm' I touched my cheek to test its heat.

'You're glowing' he smiled sweetly, clearly enjoying the moment.

'Look at you - You're an English rose that's what you are!' He said putting on an English accent.

'That is a little bit of a cliché' I mock-scolded him and raised one eyebrow to seem stern 'And where did that accent come from anyway – Australia?!' But he just grinned and then gave a big sigh.

'You know, …at risk of sounding like a complete ass, I really am enjoying being here with you' he said more quietly. 'Hope you don't mind me saying so'

'You are?' I replied instinctively, sounding a little shocked.

'You mean you're not?!' Seth gave me a forged incredulous face and then chuckled.

Well, yeah… I am, but I admit I am also a little bit freaked out here.

'Oh yeah, why's that?'

'Er… I suppose because my mother told me never to get into cars with strange men and you know I just did exactly that!' I replied.

'Is that what I am to you?' Seth asked smiling and looking somewhat relieved. He took another sip of coffee. 'A strange man?'

'Well, yes. I don't know how else to put it' There was a pause while he considered this.

'I like that.' Seth replied thoughtfully.

'What? That I called you a stranger?'

'Yeah I do… the bit I like about that is you're not assuming anything about me. People often think they know me but you don't do that'

'Oh, well I'm just being honest' I said simply 'Nothing to assume – we have just met - I know very little about you at this point… but I'm learning.' I smiled. He looked surprised for a moment before his face softened to a shier expression.

'While hoping not to sound like a dick, you know, you really make me want to change that Sarah.'

I smiled at his openness, taken aback by how easily he dropped his guard with me, but then I fell silent for a minute, feeling slightly odd. Realising signals of interest from Seth towards me were beginning to appear. I was excited, realising that we were flirting a little, because I did find him utterly charming, engaging, and attractive without question, but still I was acutely aware of the circumstances of our meeting and of our fundamental differences, not even sure if I would even be entitled to flirt or consider anything more than I had with this man. The fact was I didn't actually know him at all, and even though I did not choose to show it, I actually felt very aware of who he was, not because I was star- struck, but because I was surprised that he actually appeared to want to sit there with me and I couldn't work out why that had happened. I tried to focus on how it would sound telling this to Anna later to keep myself from losing track of reality. The reality of the situation was bordering on the ridiculous. This man was Seth MacFarlane for goodness sake, what the hell could he want with me? Perhaps I was imagining his interest and this was just his character?

We both sipped and sighed again in silence. As we sat, I fiddled with a strand of my hair, noting a tension was building between us but it did not feel uncomfortable. I noticed that Seth watched as I wound it around my fingers and released the curl, which fell against my cheek. He looked away when our eyes met but then glanced up at me a few times, each time seeming to be about to say something, but then changed his mind again and didn't speak. I realised at that moment what was on his mind. I realised that our small talk could only be short-lived before the white elephant in the room, as to what he has said back at the theatre would have to be noted, because we had been cut off mid-way when discussing it earlier and I could see then in his eyes that he had not laid that to rest. That look had returned now.

We had said very little to each other about why we had left the party together after such a remarkably brief amount of experience of each other and but it was clearly the reason we were there.

'So - do you always do what your mother tells you?' Seth asked slowly after the pause. I didn't know if he was joking or not, and his face didn't help me identify this. It was almost as if we were just speaking words to fill in the silence. 'Not for a long time.' I replied, 'I've relied on myself for a quite a while now.' Seth nodded but appeared to drift off into his own thoughts. I watched him silently.

'Uh,' he finally broke the spell rather awkwardly. 'I hope you don't mind me raising this again… but I was saying before back at the party…we didn't finish our conversation' he began tentatively. I withered; Here we go, I thought.

I looked down for a moment, hoping he would not continue - but he did.

'…When we were introduced before… It wasn't the first time we saw each other was it…?' Seth said quietly. I could feel him looking at me to gauge a response. My heart quickened a little and I swallowed. This was making me really nervous and I was having a great deal of difficulty in knowing what to do with myself.

'Um… why do you say that?' I played along feigning ignorance.

As it was I had only just stopped double-taking every time I looked up at him, but my hands were becoming clammy again and though I was desperate to retain some sense of normal conversation, I felt would be easier to stick to one or two words responses to this, so I didn't embarrass myself.

The thing I clung to for reassurance, was that it was Seth who had asked me to leave the party and taken me away to this private little bar, I reasoned. His idea. Not mine. So why was I so nervous that he had any negative intention now? I suppose I just assumed that there could be no good reason why someone like Seth would be trying to corner me. I was still feeling shocked that events were unfolding in such a way and I was clueless as to where this was going. My initial reasoning of the meeting of our eyes across the theatre lobby was that it must be my own unrequited creation… though increasingly this wasn't the sense I was getting. Seth seemed intent on wanting to talk to me about it. I had tried to apologise for gawping at him earlier, even though I wasn't sure why I should apologise. He seemed incensed by it. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Seth put down the matches he had been fiddling with and placed both palms flat on the table, which made me look down at them because it seemed an awkward thing to do.

'Look, I've got to be honest with you,' Seth started, sounding rather less confident 'I don't know what you're thinking about being here. I'm just kind of trying my luck…' his voice trailed off and he looked down at his hands, still pressed to the table as though they weren't attached to him.

'I, I mean…. When I saw you before in the lobby….. looking at me… I just thought I knew you and gave you that fucking stupid grin' he made brief eye contact and looked down again…. 'but then I realised it was something else…. maybe it sounds crazy to you, I don't know… you have to tell me if I am wrong, but I'm convinced something happened between us didn't it?…..I want you to be honest with me.'

Seth was looking and sounding quite uneasy now, this was probably not helped by my inability to look at him. I eventually pulled myself together and gave him a strong bit of eye contact to work with. I could feel the pounding of my heart in my head; I could hardly believe what he was saying. It sounded like Seth was trying to tell me he had felt the same thing as me in that moment. It was all too quick to process before he continued.

'I looked at you and it felt like …he paused, 'God this IS crazy!' Seth stopped himself short and looked me right in the eyes and there it was again – Bang!; the pang in the guts. I felt myself suck my breath slightly but finally I held onto his gaze, captivated by the sight of him. The intensity of that moment as we both realised we understood each other was tangible, silent, yet thunderous.

I instinctively let go of my cup as I sensed him lift his right hand from its pressure on the table and slowly his fingers encircled mine, literally sending pulsing sensations up my arm right inside my chest where they felt as though they exploded. I swallowed hard as his eyes turned to questioning mine, wondering whether his touch was something I was going to accept or if I would tactfully retreat.

I held completely still, but didn't stiffen against Seth's touch. I waited several breaths in and out before I spoke to him to confirm.

'I know…I know because' I said finally, ' …because I felt it too', ending in a whisper. Then paused again, before adding, '…and I can feel it again now'.

Seth's lips turned tentatively into a smile, but the clear intensity remained. I looked down just in time to see his other hand come to rest on top of mine in confirmation. Now with my fingers pressed between his two hands, my heart racing hard in my chest and my mouth so dry I could not open it, I finally managed to turn my lips up at the corners too. I'm certain they quivered slightly.

'So what now' I squeaked slightly, after a silence between us so deafening I could only hear the ringing in my ears. I wished immediately I hadn't said it because of how awful I sounded.

Seth smiled gently, sensing my nerves ' Well first I think we need to leave here' he murmured. My insides flipped over at the sound of his words, as I thought about what he inevitably meant. Being alone. I wanted so many things in that moment and confusing images flooded my mind; initially of making excuses and running away from him, but they quickly turned to what might happen next if I stayed with him…. And the thought of that was more compelling than anything I had ever felt before.

'Are you ok with that?' he broke me out of my thoughts. 'I, erm…I'm fine' I replied inappropriately and rather weakly.

Before I knew it Seth had whisked me out into the evening air and we stepped back into his car. As the door shut, with a deep thud and I settled myself on the plush black leather seat next to him, my leg lightly brushed against his. I felt queasy with nerves. I tried with all my might not to allow myself to worry about what was happening and be excited and in control, tried not to be concerned as to where I was going, what I was feeling, who I was with – anything, I tried to be cool outwardly as I had done so much that evening… but this; where I found myself now, was undeniably remarkable if not hugely risky and my insides were churning.

Being so close to him for the first time in the car was a heady experience. His cologne was stunning and to me at that moment, with all my senses heightened; the car was filled with this scent. My lungs drank up involuntarily gulps of his delicious smell and seemed to turn my head. My emotions had gone into freefall since he reached out to me and touched my hand. All at once, I wanted to talk to him, to know him and to be with him. No matter how fast he spoke or how much I studied him, I could not gather information quickly enough to fulfil me; I needed more of him. I wondered if what I thought I was feeling could actually be possible: to know someone in an instant - or if it were conceivable that you might not know someone, but still be able to feel this level of intensity about them, virtually in an instant.

'Where to Seth?' came a measured voice from the driver's seat.

'Seth turned to me, 'Would you consider coming back with me Sarah?' he looked serious, eyebrows raised. I was taking twice as long to process things in my tumultuous state and Seth took my silence to be a need for more information 'I don't mind if you want me to take you back to your place… whatever makes you feel comfortable' he said gently and very calmly.

Stunned slightly by the straightforward request I stammered a little:

'Seth…I … I'm not sure if I…' I started to say, not really knowing why I would refuse considering how I was feeling about him. Maybe I thought it was expected of me to show some morality and look like a decent girl. I looked away from him, wondering if this was right, even though my instincts were screaming at me that it was.

As I did Seth reached his hand out again and placed it on mine 'It's ok… we do this your way…. If you want me to take you home and leave, I will… but I'd be disappointed if I never see you again' his voice was honest and clear, his face kind, but I knew without doubt, as he touched my hand what his intentions were and what he wanted me to reply. I impulsively agreed to go with him and he gently squeezed my hand before instructing the driver to return to his home.


	2. Chapter 2

We drove through downtown and on up into Beverly Hills as dusk fell, the car pulled sedately up a tree-lined avenue, all buildings hidden behind large gates and mature trees. Seth opened the window of the car slightly and the warm evening breeze wafted in lightly against our cheeks. The whisky in my system was still doing valuable work on my nerves and after a while I began to compose myself again. I sat back slightly, allowing my hands to fall from their clutched position in my lap, down onto the seat beside me. I watched him secretly. I studied his profile, his jet-black, straight but perfectly tousled hair, strong forehead and nose, identically proportioned upper and lower lips that I wanted to touch, and slim face but with a masculine jaw line and chin, darkened by light stubble growth. He had a feint chin dimple, very American, I thought. I had noted earlier he developed extra dimples in his cheeks when he laughed. Then there were his eyes - his stunning, chocolate brown, cat-like wide eyes, which always seemed to sparkle despite their darkness. He truly was a beautiful looking man.

Desperate for him to touch me and have that feeling again but not daring to initiate it myself, I shifted my hand a little, hoping the movement would stir him into realising and perhaps reach for me instead. I could sense every shaky breath I took and occasionally his when he turned his face to me. So new was Seth's presence that I was aware of every small move he made, every hint of his smell, which I sought out eagerly. It felt as though you could reach out and touch the tension buzzing in the air.

Seth broke the silence with some small talk, which I think, was intended to reassure me. He said he lived alone except for someone who occasionally came to look after the place if he went away. His parents and sister lived in California as well and they saw each other often. He told me he had bought the house a couple of years ago when he had signed his current contract and it was the best thing he ever did. I was unsure of what to expect from this, but I could see why, as the car pulled up to tall iron electric gates, which on opening revealed a stunning large modern hilltop villa. The lit driveway was large and semi-circular, sloping down towards the house. From the top of the drive you could see the view over the house to the whole city of Los Angeles.

'Wow!' I murmured forgetting everything for a second in my shock 'What do you think?' Seth smiled, but must have known my answer. 'Still can't believe it's mine at times'. He said more quietly.

'It's stunning' I gasped – not being polite.

'Well thank you, I'm glad you like it, welcome to my home' Seth replied happily with a sudden formality which I learned was just something he naturally fell into at times when he was a little shy.

Seth jumped out of the car and held the door for me, dismissing his driver who wished us a good evening and swiftly took the car off to the back of the house as the gates slowly slid closed.

Seth unlocked the huge, thick oak door, clicking a code into a keypad by the wall and stepped aside for me to enter. The floor was white marble and a massive sweeping oak staircase flowed out in front of me. The lighting was beautifully subtle and low-key and the décor elegant, and expensive but modern. Large monochrome photographic prints of rat-pack era stage scenes adorned the walls immediately either side of the staircase.

As he closed the door behind us, I stood rooted to the spot by the door, looking up around me, slightly aghast.

Seth placed his keys on the table beside us and stood looking at me.

'So here we are' he said moving to stand in front of me. He was tall, over 6ft I guessed; at 5ft 4, I was way below him in height, even in my heels, but this being the first time I had stood toe to toe with him, I was pleasantly surprised at the sensation of his height.

I looked up into his eyes sensing it was what he wanted. The fluttering in my stomach was incredible and as we stood in silence, gazing for a second, I felt him gently touch my shoulder. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. I held my breath. I was so caught up in that moment that when I felt something brush against my ankle I yelped out loud with shock.

'Oh my God' I screamed

'Shit! Chester!' Seth jumped too and as he stepped aside a grey and white cat scampered away from us before turning to look back with huge round green eyes.

'God I'm so sorry about that! …Do you like cats?' Seth asked, concerned.

I laughed with relief, 'I love cats'… and bent down to greet Chester.

'Hey buddy' Seth crouched with me and held out his hand to the cat who immediately padded over to him and rubbed its head against his hand enthusiastically.

'Say Hi to Sarah' he commanded and Chester seemed to respond as he greeted my hand too.

'You have a cat?!' I laughed, rather surprised.

'Yeah, he's uh, kind of a family pet really… my mom picks up all these strays and she has too many animals at her house, he kind of took a liking to me one day and, I er, well look at his face – could you say no to that face?' Seth grinned, giving Chester a rub on the top of his head. Chester meowed as we stood up and trotted off ahead of us, tail held high.

'I think I have to get him some food or he's going to keep jumping out on us' Seth grimaced.

'Come in' he said warmly.

I smiled to myself. I wouldn't have expected to see this side to Seth somehow but this display of humanity was a pleasant surprise.

Seth headed in through a doorway on the left, which turned out to be a living room. It was huge and airy with high ceiling, massive sofas around a modern stone, open fireplace and a full-size black Steinway grand piano at one end. The room lead all the way through the whole width of the building to glass floor-to-ceiling doors looking out onto a tree lined pool area and 180 degrees of LA skyline, with twinkling lights as far as you could see.

'Wow again' I exclaimed, slowly following Seth as he made his way to the open kitchen and bar area next to the doors to the pool. He took some food for the cat and lay it down in the utility area behind.

'Can I get you a drink Sarah' Seth called from behind the door as he washed his hands then came out to see my response. I stood the other side to the bar from him now and rested my hands on the bar chair to reply.

'Um, boring of me, but I really need some water' I replied creasing my nose up – 'all that Irish coffee made me thirsty'

'Yeah me too' he came round from the other side of the bar and took off his jacket, hanging it on the back of the bar stool next to me.

I secretly took a deep breath of his cologne as he breezed past me; I noticed the shape of his upper body as he stood in front of me again at the bar in his shirtsleeves. Seth had shed his tie and waistcoat now and undone two shirt buttons where I could see not only a glimpse of fairly tanned skin but also the slight curve of his chest, not over pumped but certainly in good shape. I blinked my eyes away guiltily but I realised he saw me because his lips betrayed a small smile as he turned back to the bar. Damn it! I thought to myself. He was stunning and I couldn't stop looking at him!

'I'll ask you againabout a proper drink after this' Seth smiled and glanced at me, pouring out two glasses with ice and setting them down.

He waited until I selected a glass and then took his, sipping immediately and placing it down again. I studied the way he touched the glass; his hands were large and slim with long fingers. His little finger fascinated me the way it had a curve at the last joint. He used his hands a lot in expressing himself whilst speaking and even the way he held a glass made them seem so full of his character; so instantly recognisable as his hands.

'Mind if I sit here?' Seth asked with a grin, pulling me suddenly from my thoughts. 'Not at all' I smiled back, coolly. Feeling entirely the opposite.

I sensed Seth was relaxing quite a lot now he was at home and it was having a very good effect on him. Though he was still inducing a huge amount of fluttering within me with his charming approach, it was not due to nerves now, it was another growing feeling in me making me tremble. As we sat there, due to the effect of his calmness I began to feel easier too, so much more than when we first left the bar.

He perched next to me at the counter and we sat side by side – quite close so as our legs brushed, ever so slightly if one of us moved and when one or the other put our glass down, the water in the opposite glass would move slightly before settling.

The intense attraction, which had surrounded us since the moment we greeted one another with our eyes that evening, was still growing steadily and little sparks pleasantly fizzing and fusing whenever our eyes met or light touches occurred between us. Since Seth reached for my hand in the bar, I sensed a waiting game was being played out between us, I knew it was the same game for us both, because of the way we were looking at each other, but for the time being we were still very conscious of the impulsiveness of it all and were maintaining our boundaries. The inexplicable turn of events, which had led to my being sat in the house of this man who I barely knew but somehow felt I did, was all too obvious to allow what was inevitable, to come to the fore immediately we walked through the door. I had to maintain control of myself. We needed to play this situation out slowly, until the point that some undefined trigger set us free.

'What do you think Anna will say to you when you see her?' Seth asked shining me a cheeky sideways grin.

'Erm probably she'd ask me what the hell I was thinking?!' I laughed taking a sip of water.

'Why did she say something about me?' Seth asked looking slightly worried.

'Oh no I just mean in general….' I replied quickly

'You don't have a reputation as far as I know' I lied, knowing he had dated a lot of women.

'I don't? Oh, that is disappointing' he laughed but then did not look away. Seth's face softened from the smile, as he appeared to search for something in my eyes. I looked right back into his, as they sparkled beautifully.

'Well to be honest, she'd be right…. As I've said; I hardly know you… I feel like this is a little bit crazy' I looked away and my voice drifted off as I suddenly became aware again that this was actually a extraordinary and slightly unwise situation I found myself in.

I felt anxious again.

I wondered if Seth was being sincere with me. Maybe this was all part of his game and I was just the latest woman to fall for it. How would I even know? I had to keep reminding myself that Seth was a unfamiliar person to me because from somewhere inside me it simply did not feel that way at all.

Seth sensed my discomfort at once and turned to face me, our knees now touching.

'Hey, you look worried…. Please believe me Sarah, I don't have a plan in place here. I'm as clueless about this as you are. This is taking a risk for me – bringing you here when I don't know you. I've not been in a situation like this before… with anyone… So I really am in the dark too you know.' Seth paused and looked up at me with serious eyes. 'Look, if you are not comfortable at any time please say so, that's not what I want at all. All I ask is to get to know you properly… that's the reason I asked you to come here tonight… I couldn't walk away and not get to know you now we have met….There so much more I want to know. Just having you here with me is all I want so please don't be afraid of me - talking to you is plenty …' he paused…Then smiled cheekily, '… anything else would be a bonus though' he added lightening the mood.

I listened and somehow I just felt sure Seth was sincere. It sounds naïve to say that this was all it took to reassure me, but it was so clear to me from the look in his eyes and in the tone of his voice as well as _what_ he said, that this really was fine and safe and right and I could trust him. The subtle vulnerability Seth exuded created a tantalising flipside to his obvious charm and poise, and it was so fascinating to witness. His approach suffered no harm by the way he looked either. He absolutely knew how to use his beautiful smile to full effect. The combination of Seth's complicated mix of characteristics was captivating but also immensely disarming. I knew I was being sucked under a spell with everything I learnt about him, but I was also diving into it willingly, thoughts of looking back or leaving drifted away.

'I think I'd like a drink now' I said suddenly, wanting some support as I resolved to delve on impulse down this curiously addictive path. I must have said it so abruptly that Seth briefly stared at me before laughing a little. 'Did I say something to drive you to it just then?!'

Seth got up from his seat and went round to the other side of the counter.

'What can I get you ma'am' he asked with that cheeky grin, playing at being the barman. God he could carry off being corny. I wondered if I could find anything he did unappealing

'Uh, Vodka I think'

'Oh yeah? Serious drink huh?' he nodded then glanced up at me. I needed this drink. It was all so hyper real I wanted to dumb it down.

'Well in that case I think I'll take your lead and have the same… just don't go getting me drunk now…I'm not used to it.' He blinked demurely, 'I know what you girls can be like when there's a vulnerable guy like me about.' Seth gave me that cheeky smile again and a wink and with a flourish, he handed me a healthy measure of Vodka cut with ice and lemon, immediately taking a good sip of his.

'I'll be gentle I promise' I replied keeping up with his patter; I couldn't help but smile back. He was beautiful and it was wonderfully distracting.

Seth helped me forget my fears with his light-hearted flirtation - and it was hard for me to think of anything else but him now. It was becoming impossible to think straight at all, or to be sensible, to remain conscious of my own mind and normal boundaries. I simply longed for contact with him again, and I was so ready for him to sit down with me that when he came back around to my side of the bar, I turned to face him when he sat down. He smiled in recognition of my attention, so as he settled himself on the barstool, he positioned his legs either side of mine to enable us to be closer. My stomach surged as he shifted closer to me, looking into my eyes as he did so. Due to Seth's legs being so long, his knees just grazed my hips and my knees reached half way up his thighs. He smiled at me broadly and confidently, then took another sip of his drink, resting it on the bar when he finished but not letting it go.

This first contact in a physically flirtatious direction was definitely going to spiral; I felt liked a coiled spring. I wriggled slightly in my seat, getting myself used to his proximity and enjoying the light brushing of our legs, whilst starting to tingle in all the right places.

I took a huge gulp of my drink for courage.

'Easy there' Seth laughed 'Jeez, You Brits are so hard! Even seems the women can handle their liquor'

'Hey' I touched him lightly on the arm – 'Yes we can… but don't make me sound like a drunk!'

'Well ARE you?' he laughed as I shook my head at him in joke despair, 'I'm thinking from what I've seen you could out drink me no problem' he teased, 'It's gotta be a cultural tendency!'

I laughed freely with him. 'I don't know where you Americans get your ideas from, but I am a lady you know' I flashed Seth a grin and batted my eyelashes at him theatrically, taking another sip whilst knowing he was studying me...

'You sure are' Seth said, seriousness creeping into his tone, then more quietly, almost shyly he added, 'and a beautiful one'.

As he said it, he impulsively reached out to me and touched my cheek with his forefinger, only momentarily, lightly, but with relish, before removing it to his lap again.

Seth held my gaze for an extra second or so; just long enough to let me know what he was thinking.

I froze for a moment. Not because this was unwanted but because he had broken the barrier between us and now and all I wanted to do, was to tear the rest down. Seth started a fire through that tiny little touch and that look and now I wanted nothing else but him and all of him, nothing else mattered in that moment. I knew Seth would see how I felt in my eyes as I looked up at him and as I did, I saw the recognition when he stared back, not moving or speaking. I wanted to do the same to him; to touch him; to continue this contact - to show him his touch was wanted so very much. I leant forward slowly as he watched me and raised my fingers to his face, but ended up distracted. Spellbound by his perfect lips. I touched my fingertips to his mouth. He allowed them to linger there - his eyes searching mine for guidance before taking hold of my hand gently and kissing its palm softly. Seth sighed hard into my hand in doing so, and his warm breath dampened the skin, the heat sending shivers across my body. My breathing quickened with anticipation as he brought his lips into another kiss on my palm, still holding my gaze, looking up at me through his eyelashes with those dark shining eyes.

Suddenly he reached to my lap for my other hand and pulled me to him in a flourish, swiftly pressing his lips to mine and we exhaled heavily together. Our kiss deepened quickly, in pace and strength and we rose from our chairs to embrace each other fully. Standing beneath him, held tightly in his arms; kissing in this way literally made me want to scream but I had no breath left. The smell of him, the taste of him, the feeling of his hands on me, so anticipated and so longed for; my head was spinning, my body shivering, I felt completely drunk by the sensation that I could not and would not stop.

Seth pulled away for a second and murmured breathlessly: 'is this right?' he looked into my eyes intensely without moving away. 'I don't want to overstep the mark'.

I continued to hold him firmly, smiling slightly 'this is exactly right'. I replied in a whisper. Seth smiled too as we melted back into our kiss again. I heard him groan quietly as our tongues met for the first time. A huge wave of desire and excitement flowed through me as he kissed me this way. Damn him, he was so good! Everything he was doing, saying, every little noise and movement just made me want him more. I couldn't understand how it was that he seemed so perfect to me. I wondered what was happening to me, but was too engrossed to care. Stopping was absolutely impossible.

Seth's hands slid onto my waist and grasped me firmly whilst I stood on the tips of my toes and raised both my hands to his face for a moment, enjoying the intensity of our kiss but using my hands to bring him as close as possible, never quite getting enough of him, no matter how passionate our kiss became. Seth obviously sensed the same feeling and broke away to place his lips gently on my neck where I felt his breath fall as he started to work his way kiss after kiss, across my trembling skin. His hands slid down from my waist, onto my hips and he pulled me closer to him rubbing the material of my dress against my skin. When our hips met, I clearly felt his reaction to me, pressing into my stomach. I groaned involuntarily at the realisation that this was doing as much for him as it was for me.

'See what you do to me?' he whispered in my ear. I moaned in response that I knew, allowing my head to fall forward onto his chest. He reached to run his fingers through my hair, gripping the back of my head and lifting it so he could bring his lips to mine once more, he kissed me slowly, deeply and proficiently.

'Can we go somewhere else?' I whispered breathlessly when we finally stopped for air. Though it probably sounded like a plea due to the level of eagerness it was delivered with.

'Let's go upstairs' his voice was equally intense: deep, urgent and seriously sexy. I gasped a little under my breath as he spoke those words and he heard me react. He took my hand firmly, immediately leading me back to the hallway and towards the stairs.

Stopping briefly he looked back at me as he took the first step.

'Are you sure this is what you want' he looked serious again. Slightly frowning, searching my face for signs of my feelings. I said nothing, but reached for him again, eyes wide, looking into his before we kissed again with force. This was my reply.

He turned from me again, taking my hand, and led me up the stairs. Neither of us spoke and he closed the door behind us. We had entered a bedroom, lit only by the natural reflections of the night outside, Again a huge floor to ceiling window faced the city with it's twinkling light, In the centre of the room, a large bed faced us, silhouetted against the evening light from the window. He left me for a moment by the doorway as he made his way to draw the huge drapes, until almost closed. He flicked a switch, lighting the boundaries of the room at floor level and kicked off his shoes, quickly making his way back to me without a word. Then taking both my hands he led me forward into the room and towards the bed, gently pushing me back to sit at it's edge.

From there he knelt before me, looking briefly into my eyes before one by one removing my shoes, slowly, reverently and placing them side by side on the floor. Despite the energy, the tension and the clear desire in us both, a moment of calm fell between us then, our movements slowed. As he knelt before me, I placed my hands on his shoulders and sighed. He looked up at me, eyes wide, almost child-like - as though he needed my reassurance, my affection. He breathed deeply inwards as his hands smoothed upwards from my knees to my thighs until we held each other at arms length: my hands on his shoulders, his hands on my thighs. Looking. Wondering.

I reached for his hair and carefully stroked it backward running my hand down to his neck and finally onto his cheek, wanting to give him some of the affection he sought as he looked up at me. His hair was soft and thick amongst my fingers, and I did it again enjoying the first touch of each part of him. As I did this, he bowed his face into my lap and I held him there for a moment, my hand on the silky short hair at the back of his neck, feeling his breathing, listening to my own.

'I don't understand what this is' I whispered finally.

His breath felt hot in my lap.

'I'm not sure I do either…. or why' He whispered. 'I know this is happening so fast… but I want you more than I could have imagined wanting anyone' he said quietly 'but I…. I think it is more than just that' he whispered, then immediately looked up, almost shocked by his own words. I knew he didn't mean sex by 'that'. It was clear we both desperately did want each other physically and that now would be the inevitable path we took… but what he meant in that moment was entirely deeper and more profound. I touched his face tenderly and felt a tugging in my chest as I did it. I felt a connection with him, which was important and undeniable. Any resistance or strength that was possibly left to prevent this happening had drained from me now. I wanted to ask him for clarity, what he thought he felt for me; then about tomorrow and the days after that, but my voice wouldn't come.

Seth rose to his feet in front of me.  
I remained seated on the edge of the bed, but reached up to his waist to pull him closer to me with both hands. I slid one hand around onto his stomach to find the lower buttons of his shirt. His muscles contracted sensitively against my hand as my fingers slipped into the belt of his trousers; which I also undid. In response his hand moved around to my back, easily finding the zip of my dress and taking it down in a swipe as I rose to my feet. Soon he was easing my dress over my shoulders and pulling it down at the front.  
'My God you're so beautiful' he murmured, in his low voice, his eyes travelling my body. I smiled slightly at his words.

As he revealed my bra, he bent to kiss me again: briefly and roughly this time. Then he released me again to look at me some more. I eased his shirt down over this shoulders, kissing his neck and his firm chest - causing his nipples to harden. His skin was smooth with only a feint covering of hair across his chest. His body was firm and contoured, narrowed to his waist, his chest was broad and his arms defined, but he was not thickly muscular. I enjoyed what I saw and I ran my hands from his neck down the centre of his torso, sensing him shudder with pleasure as my hand reached his waist once more.

Standing beneath him, he caused my dress to float to the floor and I was left only in my underwear.  
'You're so beautiful' Seth whispered again, as he swiftly removed my bra and discarded it. 'You have an incredible body' he murmured, his eyes travelling my newly revealed skin. The feeling was mutual. Whilst I enjoyed the view of him, still in trousers: undone at the waist, torso bare and his hair ruffled out of place, Seth got to work first stroking, then holding, then kissing, then sucking my breasts and I couldn't help but sigh out loud at his moves. They were so expertly smooth and flowing that I became completely hypnotised by his attention, almost unconsciously reaching out to his crotch in my trance and squeezing him gently through his trousers. He responded with a slight groan. I wanted to release him from them soon; he felt pleasingly large and the material was tight, hot and straining with his excitement.  
I let him go, but he quickly embraced me again. Bringing me close so our bare upper bodies pressed together. It made me want him right then and there. I kissed Seth hungrily and quickly pushed his trousers to the floor, we instinctively moved our hips together, each wanting to feel the other's excitement. Seth gripped my bottom, squeezing it with his hands and pulling me harder to him so he was partly pressing between my inner thighs. I moaned again on feeling the size of him pressing against me and told him quietly in his ear how good he felt and that I wanted him now: to which he sucked in his breath and groaned slightly in the back of his throat.  
'Let me touch you first' Seth replied gruffly. He pushed me gently back onto the bed and lay down close beside me quickly slipping his hand inside my knickers and stroking me firmly and rhythmically with his long fingers. I breathed hard into his shoulder; adoring his abrupt approach and recognising the tingling sensations begin almost immediately. Never so quickly had I been brought to the edge before but I was pretty close before he started! He smiled as I began to shudder breathlessly under his touch. 'Oh God yes... ' I breathed into his lips heavily just as he caught me for another kiss, whilst skilfully synchronising the rhythm of his tongue and finger movements, he slipped both inside me simultaneously. As I reached out to touch him again through his boxer shorts, the contact of him so large, hard and hot in my hand and what his tongue was doing in my mouth and his fingers inside my knickers sent me over the edge and I gripped his shoulder with unbelievable strength, moaning out loud as he broke the kiss to hear me. 'Jesus' he exclaimed observing my reaction with relish. He didn't stop his moving until I came again, then I took hold of his hand to stop him and placed it on top of mine inside his boxer shorts, indicating to him that I wanted him to set the rhythm as I touched him now. He showed me willingly but we soon stopped to make each other entirely naked.  
The sight of one another this way induced new fever in us both and I pushed him onto his back, he was a fine sight that way and I wanted to please him desperately. Not bothering to tease him, but taking him immediately into my mouth, hearing several intense groans from him and feeling him harden further against my lips. The noises he was making were turning me on so much. With his eyes glazed, skin slightly damp, he encouraged me, stroking my hair as I performed on him for my own satisfaction as well as his. 'You're so good' he growled through gritted teeth, gripping my hair in his fist, before asking me to stop 'but I want this to last' he smiled breathlessly stroking my face as he reluctantly guided my head away from him.  
I lay back on the bed for him and he moved over me. Strangely, in that moment, it was not what he did to me physically, but the look in his eyes, which made my stomach surge. As he gazed down at me, just before he began to ease himself into me, the intensity of his stare took my breath way - almost as if he had taken something within me permanently with that stare.

His breathing was uneven now and his lips salty when I kissed him. We both groaned slowly and deeply in pleasure as he pushed himself inside me and for that moment as we got our first experience of each other's feel, both of us were shaking noticeably.

Seth looked into my eyes again and moved the hair away from my face before kissing my lips with great tenderness, but I parted them, wanting desperately to bring him closer, inside my mouth and inside my body. Our kissing quickly became forceful and fervent. Seth instinctively thrust himself long and hard into me. I cried out a little with the initial pain due to his size, but also in delight. Seth's face was beautiful as he did so: lustful and taught with concentration. I grabbed his backside to drive him deeper within me and he groaned as he thrust again and again and again with an almost trance-like expression. Then on reaching a certain pace, through gritted teeth he gasped, 'we have to move - this is too much'.  
Instantly, I rolled over with him and sat astride his hips so I could control the pace. As I guided him into me, he slipped deeper inside than before causing us to moan out in delight once more, loving the sensation of having all of each other and being as close as it were possible to be. 'Move for me' Seth commanded once we reached our composure. Gripping my hips, he began to help me move on him, backwards and forwards to his rhythm, pulling me down so hard that I was now grinding against his body. I could feel the tingle of the start of another orgasm rising inside me through that contact and as we moved together again and again he sat up slightly so he was able to kiss and lick my nipples. He skilfully sucked on them supporting my back with both of his hands and I draped my arms around his neck as I continued to grind on him, coming again easily with a gasp. He smiled but I sensed him start to tense up as he felt my contractions and after several short, shaky breaths out, Seth growled into my chest: 'go faster baby, 'I'm going to come' I did as I was told but guided his lips back to my breasts to continue his perfect moves. He continued licking and kissing for a while, but as shuddering took him over, his head fell back, his eyes closed and he groaned deeply before an involuntary hard thrust; which hit me right where I needed it. I arched my back, coming again as he released himself inside me, I cried out his name pushing my chest into his face before collapsing onto him.

We both laughed a little, catching our breath whilst still joined together. Seth reached for my face, bringing me in for a slow lingering kiss.  
'My God' he sighed when he broke it 'that was fucking mind blowing'.  
I laughed again; at what he said, but also with happiness. I withdrew from him. Lying back down beside him to catch my breath. I reached for his hand to hold. He squeezed as he took it.  
'Are you ok?' His voice was still gruff and the rise and fall of his chest still quite fast. I watched Seth slyly; admiring my view. I felt sick I wanted him so much.  
'I'm more than ok' I replied quietly. Feeling a physical loss and a distance from him, whilst the attachment to him continued to grow in my chest.

We lay quietly for a while.

As I began to recover, I glanced briefly toward the drawn curtains trying to make out the room and understand my surroundings. Seth sensed my distraction and spoke.  
'I need water' he said turning to me. 'Do you want some?' I nodded 'Ok...Wait there, I'll be back' he got up from the bed and still naked, paced out of the room.  
The second he left, my thoughts took me over.

I literally had not done this before. Never wanted a man the instant I saw him or allowed myself to sleep with him before knowing anything about him. I'd never experienced anything close to the kind of explosion of the sex that we had. Seth seemed to feel the same... But I wanted it to be more. What was I supposed to do now? Should I stay the night, should I make an excuse to leave? I feared Seth would behave differently now he'd had what he wanted, or that retrospectively the memory of the power and emotion of what had happened between us would not be recalled with the true intensity we had experienced. I wanted it to be as important to him as it was to me.  
I wrapped the sheet around my naked body and sat up in the bed. My head was throbbing.  
Suddenly he was back, by now wearing a towel around his waist carrying our water.  
Despite only having left a few minutes before, the sight of Seth brought me a huge flood of emotion; what I could only identify as a combination of relief mixed with need. It was intense and it stuck in my throat. It bewildered me, I could not understand how the mere sight of someone could bring that sort of reaction to me.  
'this ones for you' Seth smiled at me holding up a glass. It was the sweetest, happiest of grins - almost as though my face gave him the same sort of comfort I was seeking from him right then. I felt massively relieved by his warmth.  
He handed me my water and climbed onto the bed beside me, casting his towel aside and scooping me into his arms and I gratefully settled with him as he sat up against the pillows.  
When he kissed my head fondly, I felt overjoyed.  
'You looked a little lost in thought just then' he said 'you are ok aren't you?'  
I sighed before I spoke.  
'I am ok... I mean, really ok! 'I sighed 'That felt incredible... But doing this... already… What just happened between us... I didn't expect it at all.' I paused and looked up at him 'I don't do this!' I said slightly pathetically allowing him to see my vulnerability. I put my hand over my eyes, feeling like an idiot.  
'Hey' Seth said peeling my hand away to look at me 'you're probably not going to believe me but neither do I' he smiled gently.  
'You're right I don't believe it!' I said instantly and regretted how it sounded.  
'I'm sorry...' I corrected myself. 'I'm not assuming you're some kind of... well, you know... womaniser or something. It's just… I'm sure you have a lot of attention, a lot of... chances with women' I said quietly. Seth watched my face intently, still holding me.  
'Well, I guess I can't blame you for assuming' he sighed. 'From what you know of me so far tonight, you'd be forgiven for thinking I might be that kind of guy...'. He replied frankly.

I laughed lightly but did not reply.

'I mean, I could be if I wanted to. Believe me I know there are plenty of people who look at me and only see the money; the possessions, the fame; the attention and they're pretty taken by it all. I _could_ be the kind of guy who takes advantage of that if it were just sex I wanted… But that's just not how I feel about it at all…. the difference I've felt, being with you is massive; For a start, I just love the fact that you talk to me like I'm a human being for Christ's sake! Strange as it sounds, people rarely do that to me anymore and I miss that so badly' He laughed 'you didn't even say a word about my car or where I took you for coffee, or bring any of the prejudices caused by what people must say about me, you just took me as I am and you listen to what I say and it is such a refreshing change! So yeah, I do get a lot of chances with women... Just not women like you… I can't put my finger on what it is … there's just something about you…'

I shrugged somewhat in disbelief at his words and smiled, then nestled into him and his wonderful warm smell. He was so open, so straightforward, I simply did not have room to feel any doubt in that moment.  
Seth sensed that I'd had enough of that conversation and we sat peacefully and comfortably for a long time. Occasionally one of us would reach to touch the other softly. I recall thinking how strange and how fascinating it felt, that we comforted each other instinctively, it was almost as natural and as easy as if we had been familiar for years…

I realised I had been sleeping for a while. My mouth was dry and I needed to drink more water, I glanced up to Seth and his eyes were closed. I had to smile to myself: he looked so pretty; so peaceful, and in sleep, he looked adorable! I was desperate to plant a little kiss on those beautiful lips but it felt cruel to wake him. I slid out from under his arm and leant over to grab some water. My hair was loose and ruffled from our energetic sex, so I sat up, pulled the sheet across my lap and ran my hands through it, releasing a couple of tangles. As I looked back at him I realised he had woken.  
'What a sight to wake up to!' He flirted, smiling gently at me: clearly drinking up the view of my bare upper body.  
'Hey there, we lost you for a bit' I replied still fiddling with my hair, not bothering to cover myself or feel shy because of his response. He sat up slightly and rubbed his face in his hands. 'I needed to recover'.  
I smiled and sat facing Seth in the bed a foot or so away.  
He drank straight from the bottle of water he had beside him and I watched his jaw and his throat lustfully as they contracted with his swallowing.  
He sighed when finished and sat back looking at me again with a slightly playful expression.  
'You know, you can't expect me to lay here looking at you like that and do nothing about it' He raised an eyebrow at me.  
'Looking like what?' I feigned innocence. I knew what he meant because I could see his reaction to me under the thin veil of the sheet draped across his hips.  
'Then let me explain' Seth said playfully reaching out to take my hand.  
'When you sit there looking all rumpled and sexy after you've been fucking me, it makes this happen' he swiftly pressed my hand into his stiffened crotch and laughed. I screamed and started laughing too, snatching my hand away quickly.  
'Well I never sir!' I exclaimed in my best Queen's English 'you're trying to sully an innocent girl's reputation with your filthy school-boy games!'  
Seth laughed out loud at me. 'Well yes, actually I am.' I linked fingers with him with one hand as we giggled at each other. The fact that he was already thinking about more sex was turning me on so much. I felt powerful and attractive to have him react this way to me and I wanted him again very badly.  
'So what do you plan to do with me then you bad man?' I played his game for a minute, hoping to capitalise on his interest. I flirted physically with him using my body and my voice to good effect. Clearly he loved it.  
'We'll first,' he began slowly taking hold of my other hand,

'I'm gonna show you how to kiss a man' he blinked coyly looking at me through his eyelashes. 'Oh my' I exclaimed gasping theatrically.

'Have you ever been kissed before?' He continued speaking slowly, being very clear and calm as if he were explaining something complex. I laughed at him and made him laugh a little at himself too, shining his beautiful smile and making my stomach surge again in anticipation... Seth recovered his act and continued.

'So what we have to do…. when we kiss...' He continued slowly - moving gradually towards me… 'we get a little closer' he pulled me in slightly, looking intently at me,

'…then we do this!' he shouted suddenly pushing me back onto the bed so he was on top making me squeal in delight, pinning me down by both hands and kissing me all over my face until I was giggling uncontrollably like a child. He laughed with me.  
I admired the sight of him, his laugh was so sexy; the combination of the depth of his voice; the way his dark eyes lit up and of course that stunning gleaming white smile was indescribably attractive. I had never been with anyone I desired as much or in so many different ways, as this man.  
He stopped and held himself up above me on his hands for a second. I loved the feeling of him bearing down on me. He gently lowered his body onto me and pressed his lips to mine. I put my arms around his neck to hold him there but he broke away and began to make a slow descent in kisses, first on my neck, then my chest, down between my breasts and onto my tummy. I quivered a little as his lips touched my skin beneath my belly button. I knew what he was doing and I was so sensitive to his little kisses here.

I stroked his hair as he continued his descent and before long I felt the tip of his tongue begin to tease me. Gently at first, tentatively...inducing jumpy little quivers from my hips with each touch of his tongue… but as I gripped his neck harder he pressed his cheeks between my thighs and began to use his whole mouth to pleasure me, sucking and kissing in long hot delicious strokes. 'Oh fuck, oh God!' I screamed under his perfect attention. I could hear and feel his breathing was fast and shaky and that he was enjoying himself too. I was totally out of control, my hands squeezing the sheets, then holding his head and running my hands through his hair feverishly and groaning loudly as he continued his stunning performance. He brought me to an explosive orgasm easily, several times over until I made him stop. I was breathless, I was exhausted, impressed and mad with lust for him. He seemed pleased with the reaction he had from me and I certainly couldn't fault him. He lay for me to rest my head on his stomach when we were calm. He placed a hand lightly on my hair and I remained motionless and silent for many minutes.  
'Are you sleeping now?' He asked out of the darkness.  
I gave out a long sigh. 'Ummm, no I just can't speak!'

He laughed softly.  
'No need to' he replied, stroking my hair.

'This is perfect'.

I smiled.

We lay silent again for a while.  
'Do you know what the time is?' I asked eventually. Recovering enough to realise that I had no idea what hour it was. 'Uh, two thirty' he murmured after grabbing his watch from the nightstand.  
'Uuurgh' I groaned. 'Past my bed time... But, I still don't think I can sleep... That's your fault!' I teased prodding him with a finger.

'I'm sorry babe I can't leave you alone, I admit it.' He grinned.

'You're so corny!' I teased. He only shrugged in reply.

'Can I ask you something?'

'Sure' he stroked my hair again all down its length.

'Do you have a plan here?' I'm not sure I knew why I was asking him this but it felt instinctive. I suppose I was starting to wonder when our 'moment' would come face to face with reality again and I was keen to find out if he had begun to contemplate this in any way.

'Uh, how do you mean: right now… or in life …?' he asked after a few moments.

'Both'

'Oh, well. To the latter… kind of, but it would be hard to answer in a sentence…. But ask me more if you want to know anything specific…. Um, the former? Just to keep you with me as long as possible!'

I smiled in the darkness hearing what I wanted to hear and not wanting to break the spell, but still confused about what exactly was going on between us. It simply did not feel like one night would be all it was, though I could not perceive how it could move on to anything else either.

'I have an idea.' He said sitting up.

'Relax here a second, I have to set something up… we're not sleeping, so I'm going to do this… I'll be back…'

'OK… I replied, getting myself under the sheets and sitting back in the bed.

'Alright' he kissed my head and went over to one of the other doors from the room, which looked like a closet but it was so big it was like a corridor, he flicked on a light and closed the door behind him.

I was intrigued but not concerned. All the activity had made me sleepy and relaxed so I didn't have the energy to worry too much. His presence brought such a calm to me. It was all part of this general sense that despite his newness to me, it did not feel that way. He spoke to me as easily as a friend and physically we seemed uninhibited by how to approach each other, naturally picking up on each other's cues without noticing. Being this way was hugely addictive, fascinating to be a part of. It felt impossibly good and right.

The distant city lights were twinkling through the gap he left in the drapes. I was curious and wanted to see more to get a sense of where I was, so I got up from the bed and wrapped one of the sheets around me. I paced across the room to the windows, lifting one drape aside and glancing out over pool and the cliff, which jutted out beyond it, and off the edge into the lights of LA beyond. Again I began feeling the surreal nature of where I was and what I was doing. I felt quite excited - not fearful. I clutched the sheet around me staring out into the night, feeling very alone yet not lonely. Feeling as though no one in the world could have felt this way before, but not knowing if that feeling was because I was in an unrealistic situation or because I really was experiencing emotions which were so unique….

'There you are' Seth said opening the door he had left though.

'Checking out the view huh?' he smiled walking over to me.

'yes, I saw the lights through the drapes and I wanted to get a sense where I was'

When he reached me he stood behind me resting his chin on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me to look outside.

'It's really pretty at night' he said quietly next to my ear. I shivered a little as his warm breath touched me.

'Sometimes I sleep with the drapes open. If I wake in the night I like to see the lights in the distance… feels kind of peaceful'

'mmm. It is peaceful' I agreed turning my head to him slightly so our cheeks brushed together and resting my hands of top of his, around my waist.

'What have you been doing then?' I asked.

'Why don't you just come and see?' he smiled.

I took Seth's hand and he led me to the door and through into the room beyond. It was in fact a closet with mirrored cupboards floor to ceiling along either side, which formed a walkway through to another room. This room turned out to be a huge bathroom. It was mainly light marble with a large square bath in the centre. The bath was brimmed with water from a filler tap coming from the ceiling. Small candles were placed all around the room. The air was warm with an amazing perfume. Low-level lighting was around the boarders of the room and gentle music playing.

'I just thought it would be a nice place to sit and talk' he said leading me in.

'This is beautiful!' I said looking all around me and back at him. He seemed pleased that I liked it.

'Want to get in?' he asked

'OK'

Seth led the way, shedding his towel to the side and stepping into the warm water. I couldn't help but look at his body as he did so, he was still so new to me and he was a perfect sight! I could see how deep it was once he was in there. He held out his hand to me and I took it and did the same.

'Ooh that is perfect' I said feeling the water lap around my legs as I stepped in.

We settled ourselves at either end of the bath facing each other, our feet under the water, mine surrounded by his.

Our faces quickly flushed pink with the warmth and we both splashed water on our faces enjoying the scent and the refreshment it brought to our skin.

'Sitting comfortably?' Seth asked as we sat gazing at each other again either end of the tub.

'Yes thank you. Great idea… though we might drop off to sleep in here and end up drowning!' I laughed, starting to sink lower into the water until it was up to my chin. 'Hey come back' he laughed grabbing my hand and pulling me up again. I didn't let go of his hand.

'You know,' I said playing with his long fingers 'I hate to break the spell but I think I really have to go home soon.…

Seth looked down for a second.

'I'm sorry, I can tell you don't want to talk about this now' I said noticing his mood change. He looked back to me. 'and you do?' he asked rather sadly. Even though this was what I wanted to hear in some ways as it pointed much less to the idea that this was just about sex for him because he seemed to want me to stay, I still felt I had to sort myself out and get some kind of perspective on what had been happening. I had to assume this was going to end soon for my own protection. If this was to be the case, I really couldn't face him in the morning. What would we say to each other? I just thought it would be best to leave now while it was still a lovely exciting memory.

'I can't say that doesn't make me a little sad if you're talking about leaving' Seth said quietly, looking down into the water. 'I've only just found you and you're leaving now?'

He genuinely did seem sad. I admit that I wanted nothing more than to continue in this time-free fantasy of being with Seth… not knowing or caring why or what we were doing or when or if it would ever reach a natural end. The whole night had been thrilling, blissful and shocking all in one hit. The intensity was why it was so addictive. I still felt the need to protect myself from the stark reality that this could not possibly turn into anything more, surely it was a fantasy to think this could go on?

'Seth, I… I don't know what you thought would happen now but I kind of need to sort myself out. Change my clothes… get back to Anna's….' I trailed off, not really confronting the real issue, which concerned me most. My voice had betrayed me though, becoming rather soft and quiet as I said it, and I was unable to look at him anymore. I realised Seth knew what I was saying was not what I actually wanted. I put my hand over my eyes for a moment, 'God knows I don't want to make this end now, but… I know it has to.' I left my hand covering my eyes. I heard Seth sigh deeply. He touched my foot gently as if it were my hand.

'Sarah?' he said eventually… I moved my hand from my eyes and looked at him after a second or so and searched his eyes with mine. 'You know, this doesn't have to end…' he said slowly. 'I certainly don't want it to'. My heart skipped into a faster pace. 'Look, I'm just going to be honest with you, this doesn't make me want to mess around' Seth began, 'I really want you to stay. I don't know what this between us is or where it's going, but I know it feels important, and special and I don't want you to leave…. This feels like just the beginning of something… not the end… Please don't assume anything you don't know yet, let me get to know you before you decide anything has to end'.

My mind started racing with excitement combined with a bit of fear and confusion. I was so delighted by his words, all I wanted was to fling myself at him and hug him and embrace this moment in all its thrilling wonderfulness. I wanted Seth - more than anything - but I was afraid too: because of the strength of those feelings, which had gripped me so quickly. How could this work out and move forward or become a real thing I wondered? In reality we were poles apart in life and also complete strangers. How could these things not matter? I had told myself this a hundred times already. It was so unbelievable that I was even there with Seth, I felt like I was going to wake up any minute.

'Sarah?' I realised I had not even moved, never mind responded in any way.

'Sorry,' I said quietly. 'This is all very unreal… I've loved being with you, of course I have! I just… I need to get a grip on reality for a while, be in my own head, because I think I've forgotten who I am tonight. I don't even recognise myself sitting here' Seth looked at me carefully. I could see he was considering the right thing to say. Whether to say more or just leave me be. I bit my lip and for the first time, felt awkward.

Seth sat calmly for moment studying me. Eventually he spoke:

'Hey, why don't I leave you here for a while…? He said coolly, but not at all embittered. 'You can relax, swim in the tub. Take your time. I'll be outside. Come get me if you want…' he smiled sincerely. His calmness was reassuring. He got up and grabbed his towel. 'You know where I am' he said. I felt uneasy due to lack of resolution in this matter, despite his convincingly relaxed exit. He planted a kiss on my cheek before he left the room.

I sat back and sighed. This _was_ what I needed. I was unsure whether what I had said had rattled him or not, I didn't mean it to hurt him or push him away. In that moment, alone at last, I cared slightly less; I needed to think. I started wondering about Anna. I thought I'd at least better send her a text so she knew I was alive… it was probably about 3 in the morning by now. If she were home she would be expecting me to tell her where I was. I wondered what Seth was doing now. If he was regretting things… doubting the wisdom of what he had done by bringing me into his home and being so open with me. Maybe he was not actually that bothered at all and his approach was a well-rehearsed routine with women before disposing of them when he had taken what he wanted. I found that hard to accept unless Seth was a complete psychopath. If he was, his act was utterly convincing to me.

As unrealistic as it sounds, the more I thought about what had happened, the more I was starting to believe that what had happened between us - was not going to be explained away for him. I dared not think like that, due to wanting it to be true so much. Scolded myself, thinking how stupid and naïve I was, to think Seth could be as stupid and naïve as me? Seth was a sophisticated and successful man; a famous man. A performer; known for his wit, his intelligence and his talent. Though I understood this wouldn't preclude him from also being an asshole to me, I had seen evidence of far more depth to his character than of anything like this. Seth had displayed such openness, so freely to me. I saw his vulnerability and his sweetness, his kindness and to an extent, I believed I saw a sense of loneliness, which drew me to him like a magnet. All of that, he gave to me so trustingly. I really wanted to follow my urges to be with Seth, despite my ingrained cynicism about the unbelievable manner and speed in which we had come together. The situation we found ourselves in still seemed rather a fantasy on paper, but I was living it. I wondered whether I should have shown my cards so soon or withheld some of my private feelings for my own protection. God knows it was reaching the point already where I would be unable to hide my feelings from him - such was the intensity I was experiencing welling up inside me. Surely Seth must have already guessed that he had cast a spell over me and now I could seem to not break free.

I allowed my head to sink below the waterline and pushed a lung full of bubbles out into the water above me. When I resurfaced, I decided it was time to make some decisions that felt right for me, and stick to them to stop my thoughts from spiralling.

I got out of the tub, took a shower, dried my hair and applied some mascara from my bag. Feeling better, I put on a robe from the bathroom and stepped back into the bedroom.

The room was lighter than when we left it before. As I looked toward the drapes I noticed the doors to the balcony were open and the drapes were drawn back, blowing lightly in the breeze. Through the gap, I could see Seth. Reclined in a chair; now dressed in jeans and a dark shirt, leaning back with his feet up on the balcony edge. I saw him just like I did at the hotel; in silhouette, contemplative, lit by the night and smoking a cigarette. I felt so moved by the sight of him. I took a mental picture to keep in my head. He was so handsome in profile, as he looked out into the night, unaware of me, and what the sight of him did to me.

I waited a while. Not wanting to disturb him, not wanting to lose this image of him, so completely natural and unaware. This was the real Seth MacFarlane, when no one else was there. Not a celebrity, just a man: the way he was; the way I wanted to know him. I watched him exhale his smoke and it rose upwards and away into the darkness. I sighed to myself: How impossible this fantasy felt.

I stepped forward from the darkness into the light of the balcony.

'Hey you' I whispered as I stepped out through the doors.

'Hey' Seth replied gently. 'What's going on?' It was more of a greeting than a question.

I reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder. He discarded his cigarette and took my hand, looking at me expectantly. I sensed a slight nervous energy in him now I had returned and the constant, fizzing of our presence with each other, returned to the air once more as we touched.

'So, what do you say? Will you stay with me?' Seth asked looking up at me. He wasn't wasting any time with small talk.

I looked into his eyes, and registered the ambiguity of his sentence. 'I say that I have to get some things in the morning but I _will_ stay now… and I will come back to you again, if that is what you mean' I said then smiled broadly, knowing it would make him happy and he smiled, exactly at the same time as I did. He quickly grabbed me, pulling me onto his lap and holding me in his arms and laughing, before kissing me softly.

We slept fitfully through the remainder of the night; too aware of each other's presence and newness to rest ourselves fully. We shed all our clothes again in the warm nights air, then lay close together in his bed, his chest pressed into my back, his face in my neck, our arms entwined. It felt blissful to lie this way and I drifted off almost immediately such was the comfort it brought me. When he stirred slightly at some point later, we both woke, and on realising each other again, we made love; sleepily, gently, not speaking, barely moving from our position then falling asleep again soon after, not withdrawing from each other. A feeling of elation remained inside me, my spirits soaring with contentment, even in my woozy peaceful state. It was fulfilling and addictive.

I awoke face to face with him. Seth was still sleeping, his breathing soft and light, his hand on my waist. I smiled to myself trying not to giggle because of how excited I felt to be with him. I loved seeing him like this, he looked so sweet that I wanted to put my arms around him to protect him. I wanted to reach out to him so much, but knew I would be ending this lovely moment. I felt excited that morning and somehow hopeful, I tried to think of another time I had felt like this but drew a blank… it was like all the happy clichés bundled together: promotion, birthday, holiday and surprise gifts all rolled into one explosive element. I wanted to talk to him so much, there seemed to be so much to say. I wondered how to wake him kindly, without a start. I needed to know that he was with me still, that things had not changed in his mind when we moved from yesterday to today whilst sleeping. I was so fearful of losing what I had gained last night…

I reached my hand to my waist and softly touched his fingers there. Immediately Seth sighed and flicked his eyes open, focusing for a second before a little smile appeared on his lips. 'Good morning' he murmured. His voice was gravely and deep from sleep. He rubbed his hand over his eyes. God I wanted him so badly; all the time. I just couldn't imagine tiring of him.

'How are you?' he asked softly while stretching a little.

'I'm ok… bit tired still but then we've only slept a few hours' I sighed 'not that I'm complaining about that' I smiled.

'Me neither' he rubbed my hand.

We stayed silent looking at each other happily for a while. He ran his hand up and down my arm softly, watching it as he did so.

'Seth?'

'Yeah' he continued to touch me gently but did not look up.

'I need to go home…'

'Yeah I know' he looked up. 'I need to go to work and right now that is the last thing I want to do… '

'Oh so er… Where have you got to be?' I asked feeling at last we were coming into contact with the real world again where common sense and life's obligations and the time of day had a bearing on our decision-making! I was slightly worried Seth hadn't mentioned me coming back yet.

'Oh I have some meetings to go to in town, about one of my concerts coming up… and I have to record something a bit later…. Few hours in total I guess.'

I nodded, oddly distant from Seth's reality after feeling I knew him so well, in an instant, I was reminded it was only in a physical sense.

'So can I drive you back…? You know where Anna's is right? I haven't been to her place, but I have a GPS – we'll find it.' Seth sat up slightly resting his head on his hand.

'That would be good… are you sure? I mean, you sound busy' I said carefully. Was he trying to get rid of me in a hurry?' I panicked slightly. I shouldn't have let my guard down.

'Are you crazy? I _am_ busy, but with you it's completely different. Anyhow that way I can find out where you live!' he laughed and I smiled with relief, recognising the peculiarity that he was behaving like a normal guy trying to get to know someone. Seth didn't seem to expect anything from me. I kept presuming that at some point he would do something 'starry' and presumptuous and appear to expect me to run after him but he just behaved like any other person.

'I need coffee' he said interrupting my thoughts 'you want some?' he sat up.

'I'd love one' I replied wondering what I should do now. 'Ok so I'll go and fix that and you can take your time getting ready ok?' He was so sweet and undemanding, boyish even, but with that thick chocolate voice and that face he was anything but a child.

He reached to my face and tipped my chin up with his forefinger, gently kissing me first on the cheek, then slower in the lips.

Seth disappeared to make coffee and with a skip in my step I set about trying to make myself decent for the morning-after 'walk of shame' Black dress and heels on a summer morning was going to be a bit of an obvious indication that I had not been home, so I hoped Seth was going to be able to drop me off really close to Anna's apartment. I had managed to text Anna to say not to worry about me, I was safe and I would call her later. 'OMG what are you up to?' came the reply but I didn't respond other than 'night night x' She was going to kill me!

Over coffee on the balcony, as Chester rolled happily in the sun at our feet, Seth took my phone and added his number (listed slightly cryptically: under 'SM') telling me to text him later because he would be recording.

I couldn't help but wonder what anyone who knew me would think of my having his number in my phone… then swiftly reminded myself I had a lot more than just Seth's number! I was still fighting those double takes.

I wondered what I was going to tell Anna if I saw her at the flat… it was my plan to avoid her as at this stage, as she was sure to have many questions I was not prepared to answer. All I really wanted was to get back to Seth and not be questioned before then.

Seth said he wanted us to have dinner together that night and asked me to stay again. I accepted without hesitation. I could not imagine anything else. The prospect of us having dinner was exciting and honestly, more importantly I could not wait to be alone with him again. Seth said we could decide whether to go out or eat at his place later on depending on our day, but I think his mind was going the same way as mine – that the food might need to take second place.

On our way into town in Seth's car – a pristine midnight blue Aston Martin convertible, he played a Sinatra CD and talked a bit about living in LA. He asked me about where I lived in England and I described my home and the area I lived in. He confessed he had only been once but he hoped it would change if he could ever get away from work long enough. As he was asking me what my plans were today a text arrived from Anna. 'Oi you dark horse, what's going on?!' short and to the point I thought. I sighed as I stared at the screen. 'Trouble?' Seth asked glancing at my frown.

'Uh, not really, it's Anna. She's desperate to know what I've been up to, I was hoping to avoid questions' 'Ah' Seth nodded with a smirk. 'So _are_ you going to confess about us' he asked. 'I can hardly lie – she knows I stayed out… How do you feel about me saying I was with you? This is probably something you need to be careful about isn't it?' I asked meaning regarding his celebrity and keeping his private life private. Seth gave me a glance sideways and I suddenly felt I might have said something he wasn't ready for. I was entering new territory referring directly to his status, after all, he had told me he loved that I didn't mention it and didn't care either. He was wrong if he thought it was easy or did not affect me though. Seth sighed 'I guess…' he stopped and seemed to be thinking about it. 'Sarah, the last thing I want is for you to feel like this is all about me and things have to be all my way just because I am the one with the baggage….' He concentrated on the road 'I admit I am going to have to ask you to be discreet… and not only because of me avoiding hassle from the media, I'm fine about taking the wrap, I'm used to it, but you won't be left alone either if we just put this out there' By 'out there' I understood he meant to allow our association to become published in the media. Seth rubbed his forehead - I could see he was trying to find the right words. 'I know Anna is your friend and I am fine that she knows, that's obviously your call anyway. She's in this business and she can be tactful. It's just… God I hate having these conversations.' Seth snapped suddenly. 'It sounds like I am trying to control you but I don't want to do that. I want this to be natural and normal. It just puts so much pressure on things but it feels like it can't be any other way for me now, this is how life is for me…. I'm sorry Sarah it's just so early to be talking like this, I don't want to put you off' Seth trailed off and looked away from me out of his side window'

'It's ok…. I do get all that. You don't have to explain' I said quietly, 'I understand you have to be careful' reaching to put my hand on his, he held my fingers and rubbed them a little bit. I did feel the weight of his circumstances start to press on me but at that point all I wanted was to reassure him and if it meant a little bit of acting I was prepared to do it. In my heart I was scared facing up to these new responsibilities of being with him and keeping it private, but my feelings for Seth easily overrode that and I knew I would do anything to make things right.

'I'm not planning on shouting anything from the rooftops – even though you make me feel like I want to' I said quietly. Seth smiled slightly. 'I do?' 'You do' I smiled too. 'And I can't find anything to put me off yet so don't worry… or get a big head for that matter' we were waiting at the traffic lights and he leant over and kissed my cheek. 'I just want to see you later, I wish you could come with me today but that _would_ draw attention to us' I smiled. 'It's fine… can't wait for dinner though' 'Me neither'

Seth dropped me off at the back entrance to the block where Anna's apartment was. We giggled about driving round by the garbage shoot with the Aston. He kissed me a couple of times and said to remember to text later. I promised and off he went. I watched his car reach the end of the road and turn left.

I ran up the back stairs two at a time unable to keep still to wait for the lift. I was rummaging in my bag for the key to the apartment and the door swung open. Anna stood with a huge smug grin on her face… 'So what time do you call this?' she boomed. I cringed. 'The walk of shame starts here lady!' she declared. 'Let me in you minx' I pushed her aside and slunk in. 'Here we go' I muttered. 'Anna, I need to get changed and sort myself out – any chance this can wait?' 'Are you kidding? I SAW you Sarah and don't tell me you just bumped into Seth somewhere…I saw you!' 'Ah. That's a 'no' then' I sighed, sitting down in one of the big leather chairs. Anna swept over to me… 'OK so you need to tell me EVERYTHING now. This is fucking hilarious and don't try and tell me it's nothing because I saw Seth kissing you out of the back window' 'Shit. So much for discretion' I muttered. Anna was practically bursting now – hopping from foot to foot and standing right in front of me glaring at me with a massive grin.

'Ok so there is something…' I began, but it's the weirdest thing that ever happened to me so don't ask me questions now because I don't know how to answer… we just… uh… well we just' 'did you sleep with him?' she interrupted my stammering before I had the chance to deflect her from that subject. 'Uh, well yes' 'OH MY FUCKING GOD!' 'Anna can you stop being a bloody teenager for five seconds I need you to be normal because this is just about the most unreal thing ever, so I need you to calm down and help me! You're making me freak out'

'Ok, I'm sorry' she seemed to calm down when she realised I was sounding serious.'

I took a deep breath and started to feel like what I was going to say couldn't possibly sound real in the slightest. I was trying to plan the words to say but it didn't sound like me saying it, or anyone's idea of reality in fact. I tried to tone it down and keep it simple instead.

'Ok, so last night Seth and I started talking, when you were on the phone, he asked me to go to this bar with him' 'Which bar?' she interrupted 'um, Vitellos in Bel Air' 'Bloody hell Sarah' she looked impressed: her eyes practically popping out of her head. 'Um, so, we sat drinking coffee and it was completely incredible. Seth was really nice, really calm and easy to talk to…after 5 minutes, I just felt like I'd known him for ages. I kept doing all these double-takes because I do know who he is Anna, I knew before we went for coffee, but last night when we were together it just didn't seem to matter.' 'So what did you talk about – must've been good?' she teased and urged me to go on. 'All sorts really, but after a while Seth brought up this thing which happened earlier and wouldn't let it go' I said slowly, trying to avoid making it sound weird.

'What happened earlier? You only just met him with me last night' Anna was really looking confused now. 'No actually… We had this kind of… moment… I suppose… it's hard to describe but…' 'What do you mean 'moment' 'I mean we saw each other across the theatre before the screening and it was like a massive slap in the face to me and I just remember staring at him and him staring back…' Anna was sitting on the arm of my chair now bearing down on me. 'What? I don't get it… you mean THAT kind of look' 'I guess so yes.' 'So Seth brought that up when you were in the bar?' 'Yes' 'So what did you say?' 'I was bloody embarrassed at first because I thought Seth thought I was a mad stalker or something but he ended up telling me he felt the same way and it was why he asked me to go for a drink because he just couldn't let it go'. 'Oh my God Sarah! Then what, then what?' 'He kind of held my hand and it was completely amazing, sort of electric…. Huge chemistry like nothing I'd ever felt…. I just felt like a switch in me flicked and I just wanted him no matter what' 'Woa!' Anna was incensed. 'So he took you home and er did the business with you?' 'Anna!' I slapped her on the arm. 'it wasn't like that, but yes I slept with him. Seth is just so sweet and kind and quite shy really… not starry at all, just behaves like any other guy, but he is so completely gorgeous Anna, I just can't even tell you what is going on in my head, I feel like I'm going mad, I can't think about anything else but him!' Anna screamed and grabbed me. 'Fucking hell Sarah, this is un-bloody-believable!' 'I know! He's taking me for dinner later and I cannot wait to see him again. The weird thing is: we talked and Seth already knows he wants us to give this a try… properly… he wants us to be together' I screamed now feeling an enormous flood of excitement and emotion and desire all in one. Anna was smiling at me but at the same time looking quite genuinely shocked.

'This is so exciting Sarah' she began, she sounded guarded, 'I know' I replied still buzzing. 'but you can't tell anyone. Secret ok? Promise? Seth's worried about me being hounded by the Press'

We both went silent for a moment and then Anna just said: 'Wow'. I looked at her. 'I know it sounds crazy Anna, but I just feel compelled to do this. You know…something amazing has happened to me – I actually feel like I love him'

Bang. There it was. I had said it. It was even a shock to myself that I said it out loud - but it was how I had started to feel. Anna stared at me. 'Oh honey… come on, you're just in lust with him. It's so soon, I mean he IS hot and very charming but…' I interrupted her 'Being with Seth though Anna, just feels so… ' I looked for the right words. 'so _what_? she cringed 'No, it just feels so natural…. normal…right… like we already know each other, Like it was meant to be. I can't explain it, I just feel it.'

Anna was quiet for a while, studying me carefully as I fidgeted; waiting for her to speak.

'I can't say it's not a bit concerning now you describe it like this….' Anna began quite seriously. '…I just thought you were going to say you'd banged him, tell me he was an animal or something and that was it…. But erm, clearly not!' She looked at me carefully.

'So what are you planning?' I laughed a little. 'You know me… no plans yet except I am seeing him later, he asked me to stay again and I want to be with him.' I replied frankly 'That is all I know' Anna sighed. 'Please take care honey' she reached out for my hand and I held it. I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into. Try to think about this outside how fantastic the sex is' she reasoned, clearly still doubtful about my reading of my own emotions 'I know…I know, I will…' I sighed… but I want this…. I want him' I felt adamant despite realising Anna's approach to this was far more pragmatic. It would be: I reasoned with myself – she's not in this situation… she doesn't know how I feel. It felt to me as though no one in the world had felt the way I did right then.

Anna left to go to work an hour later and I was alone in the apartment.

I kept having flashbacks about being with Seth, little films in my head playing out in repeat. Us together: Seth's face in constant replay. I was breathless thinking about him - thinking about our sex instantly turned me on and soon I wanted to know when I was going to be with him again.

I sent a text. 'Hey, hope you're not too sleepy after I kept you up last night ;-) xxx' I sat staring at the screen waiting before reprimanding myself for being so desperate as to sit waiting for a reply from him. I decided to pack a few things in a bag to take with me. I picked out my best bits of underwear, wondering which to put on and what I would wear when I saw Seth again. I didn't even have time plan those things last night and so in some ways the pressure was off. I never had to go through those first time nerves with him again.

My phone beeped. Butterflies again. 'Good boy, I thought – as I observed 'new message from SM' on the screen, that IS attentive! I smiled as I opened it. 'Hey you, how could I be sleepy with all those thoughts of you in my head! Sitting at my desk to avoid embarrassing myself. Can't wait for later xxx' I swooned at the thought of Seth being turned on thinking about me. Oh what I would have to do to him later! I smiled to myself excitedly.

The sun shone in through the bedroom window and onto my bed in a thick band. I flopped down onto my back and let the warmth and light fall on my face. I closed my eyes and kicked off my shoes lazily. The next thing I knew, I woke and it was 3 hours later. My mouth was horribly dry. I rubbed my face and sat up with a groan, feeling disoriented and mildly panicky.

After splashing my face in the bathroom, I frowned at the screen of my phone. No calls or texts. Coffee was the answer I thought… and eye gel. I put on a CD and busied myself with getting organised, sipping coffee, showering and drying my hair and putting on a dress – more casual than last night but I stuck with a dress and little flat ballet shoes. Somehow dates made me feel much more like I needed to dress in a feminine way despite my standard uniform of jeans and tops. I think men do prefer women in dresses anyway – even though it's probably all about some very basic sexual thoughts on their part.

I was just finishing off my make-up when the door buzzer went. I sighed and padded into the hall in my bare feet, I assumed it was just a package or wrong apartment - Anna hadn't mentioned anything.

Just before I opened the door I had a strange realisation, but only retrospectively did I recognise that I already had a sense it was him.

'Hey you' came a dark velvet voice.

It was indeed Seth. Struck by panic, crossed with delight, I could only stammer feebly 'Um, Hi' and began to tremble.

The sight of Seth was almost numbing, I had not experienced 'weak-at-the-knees' until this man came along, and here it was now with the intensity of a thunderbolt. We grinned at each other, drinking up the sight of each other's faces.

'God it is good to see you…' Seth said quietly, in that beautiful baritone. My stomach surged – this reaction now becoming a matter of course in his presence.

'What are you doing here?' I whispered incredulously. It was only 4pm.

He blinked slowly and laughed softly, ignoring my question 'Are you going to let me in?' he asked gently.

'Oh um yeah sorry, I am… just… a bit…surpr..' my voice drifted off from a whisper into nothing. As I stepped aside for him to cross the threshold, his arm brushed mine: that waft of his cologne hit me and I gasped it in deeply, involuntarily. As I shut the door and turned back, Seth was right behind me and took hold of my hands. Electricity flowed between us in a jolt.

'I – I'm sorry…he began – his turn to stammer now, 'I know I should've rung you first…. I am a maniac at the moment… I just….. missed you so much' he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around my waist and I gratefully fell into his arms. His voice was husky and deep and I knew exactly what was coming next from the fire in his eyes.

'I - I just couldn't concentrate on anything today, couldn't get you out of my mind…. I'm sorry to be this way with you, it's just… I can't help myself, I just need you - right now' Seth hauled me against his chest and kissed me full-on and passionately – no build up, just immediately working his tongue into my mouth, it was literally breath-taking.

I could taste his cologne and I gasped as I felt his hand reach under the skirt of my dress and slide into my knickers; I gripped Seth's neck, kissing him hard and he responded enthusiastically with a low groan before he began moving down onto my neck with his kisses whilst his fingers worked on me feverishly creating great heat. I could feel how turned on he was when he pressed against my hip and his breathing was becoming faster now. He walked me backwards into the living room, still kissing me hungrily, his hands travelling my body, I reached down and touched him through his jeans, he was like rock and my stomach surged harder and sent shivers down my legs as I longed to feel him in me again. He groaned in that devastating way of his as I touched him and suddenly that fire blew through us once more. Seth stopped what he was doing abruptly, took my hand tightly and marched into the bedroom kicking the door closed behind us, before pushing my dress up and removing my knickers with an easy flourish, he eased me back onto the bed and released himself from his jeans without bothering to remove them, I undid the top few buttons of his shirt and allowed my hands to roam his shoulders and chest, feverishly biting his neck, making him arch his head back and moan out. There was no time for anything else to come off before he lay over me pressing his hips hard into mine, easing my thighs apart with his own, and found my entrance. I took a deep breath in shock as he thrust right the way in with one action. I yelled out as he did so, as it hurt me - but perversely, I wanted it to. A tear fell down my cheek in response to the pain, though I felt nothing but utter delight at what he was doing. I wanted this so badly. He paused briefly to scan my response, but only stroked my face and kissed away the tear softly, knowing why it fell. How was it that everything he did was so right and so perfect and so wanted by me? I kissed his lips hard and pulled on his hips and he understood, immediately beginning to move. He performed thoroughly and rhythmically on me at first but soon it became harder and faster as we pushed our hips together moving in unison shouting out ecstatically at the blissful sensation we brought each other. Understanding already what brought me to my peak, he did so with ease. He released inside me not long afterward with a deep-throated growl, which I can only describe as animalistic, the pressure of which caused me again to come with a gasp and a moan. He fell onto me as I trembled in the aftermath. His face wet with sweat, his athletic performance leaving him gasping for breath. He waited until both of our breathing had returned to calm before rolling away from me and lying down beside me.

'Sarah?' he spoke quietly but in the silence it sounded loud. 'Mmm?'

Seth turned onto his side and looked at me. 'I feel like a complete bastard for that, I'm sorry I hurt you'. He looked forlornly down. I paused and stared at him, taken aback. 'You make it sound like you forced me!' I said surprised, but calmly. 'I …sort of did….' He said slowly and narrowed his eyes. 'I should have waited…. I'm sorry… I just couldn't stop myself' 'Stop bloody apologising' I cut him off and turned to face him. 'Don't ruin this by making it sound unwanted… I wanted you too… so much, that was incredible… being with you is unbelievable. I would have stopped you if I didn't want to.' I reached up to his cheek and held his face. He still looked perturbed. 'Hey, what's up with you…?' I whispered. Seth looked into my eyes for a moment. 'I don't know… I guess… I'm just blown away Sarah. I don't know what has happened to me. Since I left you this morning, I literally haven't been able to concentrate on anything. I drove away – full of you, I got to work - full of you and all day, I've been full of you. I was fucking crazy in the office. Couldn't even string a sentence together!' We looked at each other and started laughing now. I tried to imagine him walking around like a lovesick teenager and it certainly was an odd thought. '..And after our texts, I couldn't move around because of the bulge in my jeans! No talking, no walking – you've made me into a freak!'

I was really laughing now, the way he told it was hilarious because he was so bewildered by it, and coming from someone as naturally dignified and supposedly poised was unbelievable. He was laughing with me now, we were laughing at each other laughing. He rolled toward me, trapping me between his forearms and looked down at me. His face so close, that our noses almost touched.

'It appears that you have me hooked' Seth smiled gently.

I stopped laughing and sighed while my eyes wandered across his features slowly. I considered that if this had happened to me in any other circumstance, it probably would have been a bit daunting: a man, admitting to feelings so soon would have been suffocating and possibly off-putting…. but I felt exactly the same as he did. I simply wanted him: all the time, to be with, to talk to, to sleep with. I wanted Seth in every way, I wanted every part of him, so to hear him say this back to me made my emotions soar.

This was what confused me about where I found myself in that moment. I thought I had loved before, I thought I had felt lust and desire… but this was something different. All-consuming. Immense. Entire. I felt ecstatic.

I smiled into his face and Seth lowered his lips to mine and gave me the sweetest, most perfectly chaste little kiss on mine.

'Now.' He said breaking from it softly 'I'm going to take you out to dinner and I want to know all about you… '


	3. Chapter 3

Extract 2

We dressed and straightened ourselves out, laughing and joking whilst we did so. I teased Seth terribly, flirting and refusing to kiss him until he pinned me down. I loved having him chase me and want me so much and enjoyed these games with him, being childish and free in our own private world.

We left the apartment and found Seth's car. He had the foresight to hide it up the street, parked beneath some large drooping trees with the aim of avoiding being seen in the same place and drawing attention to the apartment block. Seth had obviously developed strategies for maintaining his privacy. It was not as though photographers were constantly stalking him, but he pointed out that he had managed to bore them into not doing that anymore as lately he was becoming so good at dodging them or simply going to places they didn't know about. However, he was certain that if they knew he had been seen with a woman that it would get them started again. Not having faced this situation before, I was unsure of how to behave if it happened. I trusted that he knew what he was doing and that he didn't see a risk of any problems at that time, so I just put it out of my mind. He had a certain way about him, which inspired confidence. He exuded a quiet self-assuredness, a steadiness; which was very calming. In his presence I felt that anything at all could be handled and dealt with, maintaining dignity at all times. I found it hugely attractive.

We drove through downtown and up into the hills, Seth was clearly not a timid driver. I tried not to cringe on the bends and at one point; he caught me gripping the sides of my seat. 'Not scaring you am I?' he flashed me a grin. 'Uh, I'm ok' I stammered. 'Sorry, I do zip around when I drive… too tempting in this thing.' He slowed the car a bit. 'I know the roads so well here now, but you're right to be scared, I forget sometimes' I smiled weakly, relieved.

'Hey do you want to drive?' Seth said suddenly like he was offering me an ice cream instead. 'Erm – what?' I replied.

'Well, I just thought it would make you more comfortable…' he said as if it were a matter of fact. 'You want me to drive this?' I asked stunned.

'I trust you' he said calmly.

He had already pulled the car over to the side of the road. 'Wh..? No - no I'm not doing it!' I exclaimed. 'Why? - You can drive can't you?' He was out of the car now and coming around to my side to open the door. 'Normally the driver seat is on the other side though!' I exclaimed and then instantly hated myself for sounding 'girlie'. He laughed at that. Considered it a second then took my hand and pulled me out of my seat. 'Come on, I'll help you' He said as I stumbled around to the drivers side. Not at all sure whether this was a wise thing to be doing. I could drive and pretty well. It was not the prospect of driving at all or indeed the prospect of driving on the right, which bothered me. It was more the ability to drive the Aston and to do so with Seth watching me. His presence at best threw me off in concentration. I decided to pull myself together and that it would be interesting and actually quite fun to play along with it for a while. I had clearly made him think that I couldn't drive and I wondered what he was doing in that case. I also had a sneaky thought that this might be worth a try to see if I could shock him.

We settled ourselves in our new seats and I adjusted the height and the mirrors. It was more comfortable than I had predicted. I initially thought the visibility in a low, sporty car would be quite bad but I was comfortable straight away.

'Ok so, you drive automatics right?' Seth asked as I started the engine. 'Um, yes a couple of times…' I replied slowly. I felt a little bit bad about misleading him but at that point I had decided I really wanted to re-set the balance, as I hated him having the idea that I may be a girlie type. Seth wasn't being patronising but I could tell that he thought he was going to have to give me a driving lesson.

'Alright so, take it easy 'til you get a hang of the gas… It'll probably be a shock at first.'

'Ok.'

I checked my mirrors and the road was clear. Perfect. I glanced at him very briefly before skid starting the car, kicking up a cloud of dust from the lay-by and pulling swiftly left onto the road with just the right amount of shriek from the tyres.

I smiled as I did so, to allow him to realise he had been tricked, also because in some small way it felt good to show him another side to me in a way which shook him a little.

'My God!' he exclaimed, as we sped up the mountain road keeping a good pace. 'You are unbelievable, little miss butter-wouldn't-melt' he laughed, 'You had me convinced… I am going to have to watch you!' I laughed back happily. Now beginning to enjoy driving this car, which was beautifully smooth and had amazing traction on the bends. 'Never assume' I said smiling. Seth nodded at me: bemused and I could tell intrigued. I loved creating that effect with people. I loved the idea that they might have formed a view of me and then I derived great pleasure in shattering that for them so that they felt they didn't know me at all. The sense of control tickled me.

'You started it anyway, I said, giving a him a prod in the arm… thinking you were going to test me.'

''Test you?' Seth looked surprised, 'I wasn't testing you, I wanted you to know I trust you….'

'Oh … weird.' I said quietly.

'I'm serious….' He said sounding a little put out.

'Well' I said cheerily, 'as you can see, I am a perfectly capable chauffeur so you can kick back now, while I do the work…. Uh.. except… where are we going?!' I suddenly realised I had just been following the winding road and didn't actually know where we were going. Seth laughed, 'Yeah, I was thinking you might have forgotten something!' 'Damn. Girlie status renewed!' and smiled at him with a little flush in my cheeks.

'Alright' he said decisively, I'm gonna take you to this fantastic little place I know for dinner, and just to prove we're evens, I promise I will drive us back'

'Oh yeah… this is sounding like a deal in my favour!' I said cheerily.

'No problem.' He replied. Then preceded to give me directions going way off the beaten track into the hills, until by dusk, on a narrow road we pulled up at a flame torch-lit gateway, heavily shaded by trees. The gates opened automatically after a second or so and I noticed two security cameras primed on the car, presumably this car was recognisable. I cautiously pulled the car onto the gravelled drive and in front of us appeared a huge three floor terraced building, lit by further flame torches and candles. There were tables and chairs set out with flowers draped all around like a restaurant bar and the view, a bit like Seth's home, looked out over a huge city scene on one side and hills and forest to the other. Crickets were rasping in the grasses around us and feint music sounds came from within. Several extremely expensive-looking cars were parked neatly to the rear of the property and Seth told me to take us to the doors, where we were met by a mature balding smartly dressed Italian-looking man.. He beamed widely as we got out of the car.

'Seth, my friend, why has it been so long since you came to my house? My family miss you!' He grabbed Seth's hand to shake and embraced him with the other, Seth beamed back broadly. 'George, I'm sorry – it has been too long.' George immediately turned to me – '…and this, Seth – who is this beautiful friend you have brought to us this evening?' He hurried to me and gracefully took my hand before patting it gently with the other. Seth stepped forward and slipped his hand around the small of my back. 'George this is Sarah' he said grandly and proudly, then he turned to me 'This is George – he owns this place and he is a very good friend of mine'

'It's a pleasure to meet you.' I said in my politest manner.

'Oooh, George cooed you are a beautiful English lady, welcome to my restaurant, you are Seth's friend you are my friend also' I smiled, feeling rather important. 'Come, please come inside'.

'Luis – quick, quick!' George beckoned to a young man hanging back at the entrance. The young man, also of Mediterranean descent, swiftly stepped forward and took the drivers seat, whisking the car away from us.

'Now come, my lovelies, let me get you a drink.' He ushered us both through the doorway and out onto the terrace. One or two other couples were sitting around the terrace, neatly placed for privacy. I noticed a bar area within and further tables but everyone there was outside on the terraces. A couple of young male waiters were discreetly serving people drinks from trays and gorgeous food smells wafted around. George steered us through to an area at the front of the terrace looking out at the view.

'Seth, you like to sit here yes?' George gestured at a booth area with drapes and velvet cushions on the seats and little coloured glass lamps twinkling on the table.

Seth turned to me seeking my approval. 'It's beautiful!' I replied, enjoying being treated in such a wonderful way and feeling quite excited about the evening now.

Seth and George smiled to each other in acknowledgement and we were encouraged to sit.

We settled ourselves comfortably in our booth, sitting opposite each other either side of the table. I arranged my cushions behind me and sat back to admire the view.

'This is amazing Seth. I love it. This is so pretty' I knew I was gushing a little but I was feeling so happy and enjoying being there so much. It was a beautiful place, very exclusive, I was with Seth, I couldn't think of anything else I could want at that point.

'You look so happy…. And beautiful' He said with a look of contented admiration. Seth seemed quite comfortable in his seat too and was leaning casually back into the cushions.

'I feel happy' I laughed.

'I'm glad' he said quietly.

George returned bringing Seth a beer and me a large glass of rose wine.

'Seth, you play for me later ok?' he asked gesturing toward the interior where a pianist was playing. I had not noticed until then, having been so busy taking in so much else around me. I was surprised at the request, but it was clearly something Seth did when he came here.

'Oh yeah, you want me to sing for my supper now?' Seth teased him. Then added, 'Sure, try and stop me buddy.'

George was delighted and effusive.

'You play piano here?' I said once George had gone. 'Yeah, and sing - most of the time he asks me to do it… I don't mind – he's a good guy. Treats me well.'

I raised my eyebrows in interest.

'I usually do a few tunes after dinner and he keeps my glass topped up… I guess today he's going to keep yours topped up though!' he smiled 'It's ok – I'm happy to work for you' he teased.

'Why thank you sir! Do I have to sit up on the edge of the piano and look saucy too…?'

'Only if you want to – I won't mind a bit' Seth grinned.

'I may just listen from afar and maintain my dignity' I replied.

Seth reached across for my hand and we linked fingers. I stared at him for a bit, he looked calm but thoughtful and I wondered what was going on in that mind of his. He often looked thoughtful in quiet moments and I was starting to want to get into those thoughts. It wasn't that I believed he was not open but from my point of view there was still so much to learn. I wanted to know everything about him but knew so little, I wanted to question him endlessly but I also wanted to be silent and alone with him.

'How long have you played the piano' I asked after a while.

'Oh about fifteen years. I started quite late – around when I was in college, but I really loved it… maybe if I'd been a little kid being forced to have lessons I might have given it up, but I started as an adult and I couldn't get enough of it.'

'I'm impressed' I remarked. It seemed quite amazing that he had become such a skilled pianist in such a short amount of time.

'Did you begin the singing at the same time?'

'Uh, properly singing was about the same time, yes. I always _could_ sing… was in the choir at school and church as a kid… but once I learned to read music, I found my real voice and started training properly. It just kind of grew and grew and became so powerful. I fell in love with singing… nothing else makes me feel that way'

I stared at him, admiring the passion with which he spoke about his music, Seth's eyes glazed over as he spoke and he was so sincere about it, so open about his feelings.

'Hey, I wanted to know about you' Seth said suddenly, touching the back of my hand lightly 'Were you a choir girl back in school?' he grinned.

'Always thinking about the pervy stuff!' I scolded. 'Yeah' he replied unapologetically. I laughed at him.

'I confess I was a choir-girl.' I began. '... and I play a couple of instruments. I sang Soprano until about 14'. His eyebrows rose with sincere interest. 'I couldn't get the notes after that so…' I started playing the guitar instead.' 'Oh good God you're a guy!' He teased, regarding my voice lowering. 'Hey' I shot him a cross look 'I wasn't last time I looked', then smiled. 'No – and I can vouch for that if anybody needs confirmation.'

We giggled together for a minute.

'Wow, so you can sing? And you play guitar? Anything else' He summarised, sounding quite pleased and a bit impressed.

'Erm, that is probably a bit of an exaggeration… it was a long time ago now and that's not the full story either. I don't practice it enough… I'm rubbish really' I said slowly, feeling deeply inadequate and took a good long sip of my wine. Anyway, it's not that interesting. Do you mind I really don't want to talk about it.' I knew it sounded terse.

Seth was incensed I could tell, he was studying my reactions carefully and I could feel his burning interest in this. It made me prickle with discomfort because I really wanted to impress him on his level but I never really had developed much confidence in my musical abilities. I knew I could play and I knew I could sing and I truly loved it, I was passionate about it, but shyness always seemed to get the better of me. I felt too ashamed to admit to Seth that my practice was darkened by self-doubt and a hatred of being heard to stumble over my theory reading. Someone like him would not understand why I was so self-conscious about it all. I allowed myself to drift away from that side of my life purely because I never really got over those feelings of frustration. It seemed slack and lacking ambition to have given up on something I loved. Now I was faced with someone who was a master of this craft, interested and expecting to hear great things about my abilities. I wanted to impress him so much, but I didn't know if I could fulfil those expectations and was feeling quite edgy. I couldn't help but let my brooding show in my face. I wasn't about to start revealing my inadequacies just yet. Things went quiet between us and we both fidgeted in our seats.

Just as the silence was becoming awkward, a man, probably in his thirties, clutching a pen and paper came over to us from another table.

'I'm sorry to interrupt, excuse me' he said to me, then turned to Seth.

'Seth, it is so fantastic to meet you, would you mind signing this for me?' He smiled pleadingly at Seth, who calmly agreed. 'Sure - no problem' taking the pen, scribbled his signature on it and handed it back. 'Thank you so much, sorry to interrupt your dinner' the man said, slightly breathlessly. He held out his hand and Seth shook it, giving him a polite grin. 'Have a good night' Seth said as the guy left.

Slightly aghast, but trying not to react, I simply looked back at Seth waiting for him to say something about it but he just took another sip of his drink as if nothing had happened. I drank some more wine, looking out towards the bar area, I noticed a couple of women staring in our direction. They were probably in their early to mid twenties, blonde, attractive and wearing fairly small dresses and tall heels. One whispered to the other as they saw the autograph man leave us and they both looked towards Seth and giggled together. I ignored them, but once I had realised they continued looking at Seth and whispering to each other, I started to feel pretty uncomfortable.

I understood that they probably recognised him and were excited to see him but it did nothing for my mood at that time. I felt distanced from Seth by it, unsure I was ready to handle the sorts of pressures and uneasy feelings it brought me. My mood took a dive and I couldn't leave my wine alone.

Our food arrived and we ate, slowly and thoughtfully. Seth mentioned that I was quiet, but I just said I was ok. He hadn't noticed the women and I wasn't about to start drawing his attention to them. It was a loaded atmosphere, I could tell Seth had recognised my discomfort; partly through my expression and partly through the speed I was getting through the wine.

'This is really great Seth' I said weakly, trying to redirect the conversation… a really lovely place… George is a sweet guy too.'

Seth looked at me, clearly not taken in by my attempts to change the subject. I could sense he was holding back from being too heavy.

'No problem it's my pleasure. They are great here. It's a beautiful place.' He replied rather formally. He looked down and poked at his food with his fork.

'Can I ask you something?' He said quietly.

'Uh, sure' I lied wishing he would stop asking me anything because I was feeling vulnerable after the conversation we had and his fame started interrupting our privacy. I just wanted to flirt and laugh and not talk about me or my life and I wanted the stupid girls to go away.

'You've become so quiet… especially now I am asking about you…I'm just trying to make sense of that. Why did you clam up? Should I be worried about that?' There was a slight note of suspicion in his voice, which I had not heard before. Seth had always spoken to me with such frankness, always so friendly and sweetly. Now I sensed a slight tension in his voice as he asked and it struck a pang of fear in me. My already swimming head now had additional thumping to contend with due to my accelerated pulse.

I sighed and raised my hand to my forehead rubbing it slightly to try to ease it.

'I just…..' I stopped again and sighed. Seth stared at me. 'I'm just, not comfortable talking about that, it's hard to explain. I'm not that good really. I'm so dull you don't want to know…' Seth looked at me, astonished. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I didn't have time to explain further or say that it was just a sensitive issue for me.

Suddenly George had caught Seth's eye from across the terrace and was summoning him.

'If you're ok here for a little while, I'm going to play for him now.' I was taken aback that Seth responded instantly to George, clicking straight out of our conversation and getting up before he had even heard my answer.

As he said it, a lady hurried over to us. 'Seth, my beautiful boy' she kissed him on both cheeks and then turned to me. 'And this, Sarah, Bella Donna, please – you like to come inside while Seth plays for us?' She took my hand and gestured toward the restaurant area. Seth noticed my confusion and introduced her' This is Maria, George's wife'.

He found my hand and kissed it before turning and heading up the terrace.

Maria looked at my bewildered face watching Seth walk away; her smile melting into concern. 'Ah, now sweet girl, you looking a little tired now, come, we sit in my kitchen and I make you some coffee' She must have noticed the look on my face, confused, surprised and a little hurt. She gently linked my arm now and guided me down the side of the building. I glanced up to where Seth was taking his seat at the piano, exchanging niceties with the previous player. A small ripple of applause broke out amongst those sitting on the terraces. I think Seth saw us as we disappeared but I was past caring. I felt woozy and confused and Maria's maternal approach was very welcome. She sat me down in a kitchen area, which, though in the same building, was obviously private quarters as it was very traditionally decorated, not a shiny commercial kitchen. There was a thick wooden table with four chairs and rustic looking kitchen equipment with some pieces of art on the walls and a few small photographs here and there. I was encouraged to sit there while Maria, turned to the stove and attended to making me some coffee.

I remained silent, not feeling able to communicate anything that seemed suitable in that moment. She turned to me and smiled gently.

'Seth is a wonderful man.' She said fondly as she looked at me, her eyes shining. 'I know him many years now.' She poured coffee into only one earthenware mug and placed it in front of me at the table. I nodded slowly but did not smile. 'I, I'm sorry Maria, I feel as though I am being rude… I just… I'm just… .' I couldn't find my words.

'Drink your coffee Bella, you're tired now.' She obviously preferred to identify my behaviour as due to tiredness than to wine but she was sweet and kind and I just wanted to recover myself in the privacy of her kitchen. The coffee was warm, sweet and aromatic and after the first taste, I took some gulps gratefully.

Maria perched on the chair to the side of me at the table and watched me carefully in silence.

'I'm sorry Maria.' I said finally. 'Thank you for rescuing me.' She patted my hand. 'I guess, I had too much wine.'

She shrugged and sighed

'Not so easy to be the girlfriend of Seth MacFarlane?' She asked, a knowing look on her face.

I paused for a second at that. It was the first time I had been identified in this way. Was I his girlfriend? She was not to know how the events of the past 48 hours had panned out so dramatically quickly, reiterating them would not begin to explain things either.

'No…' I said quietly in simple agreement.

'But I see how you make him smile' She said 'I see how he laughs with you and how he looks at you, you have something very special'

'You can see that?' I wanted to hear more. Intrigued by this.

She got up from her chair and went to the door we entered through, pulling it open so that the noises from the terrace flowed in. I could hear Seth's voice and the music he was playing, but couldn't make out the song. She returned to her chair beside me.

'He plays so beautifully; always from his heart. You watch him - he sings into your eyes'

I nodded. Understanding that she was reassuring me in some way.

'You care for that heart Bella, it's so precious' She said suddenly. 'I see he gives it to you… but you must care for it with all of your strength… never give up even if sometimes it is hard for you. When you find him you must hold on, good times and bad'.

I was not sure if I was being warned or advised by her, but she maintained a kind and gentle demeanour.

'I see him in your eyes too, Bella… I see you want to love him….but you are afraid.' I stared at her intently. 'You must be strong. Always believe in him… trust in him. But to do that, you must also trust in yourself… or you will never give your heart.' She smiled gently.

I felt bewildered that this kind elderly lady seemed to have read so much into my relationship with Seth and wondered how she could have worked this out in such a short time, but reminded myself that the power of my connection with Seth which was so clear to us was probably fairly obvious to those around us too it's just we had not yet tested it.

I had finished my coffee by this point and was feeling better physically. Maria sounded so poetic with her gentle voice and soft accent. She had a rather angelic presence. I knew her reading of my situation was slightly skewed, as I had not confessed the newness of my relationship with Seth. Despite that, what she said felt so relevant to me because time was proving less of an indication of the depth of emotion involved when it came to the situation I found myself in with Seth. I was fascinated that she saw the intensity of the connection between Seth and myself, and that she knew I was going to face some difficulties being with him. I was quietly excited that I had not imagined his affection, as it was tangible to another as it was to me; also she was someone qualified: someone who knew him of old.

I felt energised and wanted to see Seth again. I was concerned that I needed to reassure him that I was genuine and he need not be concerned about my intentions. His note of suspicion in our earlier conversation had made me feel the need to talk to him and explain myself instead of being dumbstruck, silent and sullen: as I had been with him. Maria had reminded me that I needed to trust him if this was going anywhere – and I wanted to with all my heart. I wanted to be open, but I was afraid that I was not going to be enough for him and by the time he found out I was not, I would have already fallen for him.

'You go now.. go…. listen to him… let him sing to you' She said as I walked through to the terrace.

I was certain that when she talked of him singing to me, she was referring to a situation greater than the one I was in that evening, and I nodded and smiled.

'I will' I replied also meaning so much more too. She touched my arm and gestured that I should go back to our table. As I sat I saw Seth look up from where he was playing and smile at me. He looked a little relieved. Listening to him sing from afar, being a part of his audience made me feel detached from him but when I looked into his face and caught his eyes, I saw so much more, I saw all the things I knew about him. Seth looked serene where he sat, absorbed in his playing, he was truly a fantastic musician. So much emotion in his performance, people watching were transfixed by every perfect note he played and sang.

He finished a song and a ripple of applause broke out. He thanked them and announced this next song was his last for the evening as he had company tonight and he wanted to get back to her. I blushed and could not help but smile as a couple nearby realised it was me he was talking about and smiled across at me.

Then he sang to me – I somehow knew he would. He sang every word to me, holding my eyes with his just as Maria described. I saw something in him, which moved me immeasurably. Just the way he looked at me, as if I were the only woman he could see and no one else was there. I felt as though he knew me, I was completely disarmed yet felt no discomfort. It was as though he were already a part of me and that he was making me a part of him too.

Seth re-joined me at the table and sat opposite grinning boyishly.

'Don't even ask me if I liked it' I said, gulping my emotions back, before he could speak, 'That - was unlike anything I've ever experienced.'

'In a good way I hope' he laughed shyly, though he knew the effect he'd had. 'In a good way' I nodded.

'Look I owe you an apology for being odd with you before.' I said.

'No you don't…' Seth began to protest in a low voice, looking down at the table, but I continued. 'I am sounding like a stuck record but I am just in a totally unfamiliar place and I feel nervous about this, this is all so soon and although it feels important, to be honest it is still pretty shocking' Seth studied me, waiting now for more as my reserve fell away. 'But I can honestly say that meeting you has already become the most surprising, amazing, intense experience of my life. I've been so hard pushed to think of another time I've felt the way I do. I've just no understanding of this and I'm scared. He reached to touch my hand. 'It's the fact that I don't think I have ever felt this way about anyone before' I paused and looked at him carefully, but I couldn't control myself. Saying those words out loud, suddenly made me feel quite emotional and as I looked into his eyes, I couldn't stop the tears, which were forming in mine. 'Shit, what an idiot' I said hurriedly wiping at the tears with my fingers.

Instantly Seth got up from the table and came around to my side to sit with me. He gathered me up in his arms. 'Stop that - you're not an idiot, you're open and honest and sweet and perfect and what you just said to me is all I ask for – just keep on being honest with me - that is all I ever ask of you.' He whispered against my hair. I breathed deeply, enjoying the scent and the warmth of him. It was wonderfully soothing being held by him. We sat that way for a while, then, he took my hand and kissed it thoughtfully leaving his lips pressed there afterwards. 'Time to go?' he asked. I nodded.

Seth created the slickest of exits for us, subtly getting us back to the car and after kisses and waves from George and Maria, we were bid farewell and Seth drove us swiftly off and thorough the gates. I was drowsy from wine and emotion and lack of sleep and felt so woozy in the car, Seth turned at one point and seeing my head nodding, told me I should just sleep and he would wake me when we got back. The lights became a blur to me as we drove and I fell in and out of sleep, feeling too tired to care any longer about attempting to fend it off.

I awoke in darkness and silence. My head ached as soon as I was conscious and I had a massive thirst. I rubbed my eyes and began to recognise my surroundings. I was lying on Seth's bed. My shoes were off but I was still wearing my dress and I was covered over with a blanket. I stretched myself a bit and looked over to the nightstand, searching for the time. There was a frosty cold glass of water and my bag but nothing with the time.

I sat up and began to wonder where Seth was. The doors to the balcony were closed but the door to the bathroom was very slightly open with the floor lighting on. I could not hear him in there. I got up slowly and went to the bathroom where I groaned at my reflection, most of my make up had gone so I decided to tidy up my eyes and splash water on my face. I brushed my teeth too – which felt great. I gulped down the water from the nightstand. As I did, I noticed the distant sound of music playing. I had not heard it before that moment, so maybe it had just begun or maybe I was just more awake by then. I froze from drinking my water: straining to make out what I was hearing. I followed the sound, out of the room, along the hallway and down the stairs. The entire house was dark so I was not only following the source of the music but also the only light in the house. I realised by the time I was halfway down the stairs that the music was the piano being played. I stood in the doorway to the living room and watched from the low light. Chester scuttled forward to me making a little meowing noise when he saw me and I reached down to pat him before he ran past me and up the stairs. Seth was at the piano, playing a complex and dramatic piece of classical music; he had no sheet music in front of him. He had not noticed me and continued to play; elaborately, completely absorbed in his music. His movements were fluid and well rehearsed. As I watched silently, studying him, admiring the sight of him, I had an unexpected feeling that I missed him. Seeing him there, in his black shirt and dark blue jeans and bare feet, I watched the movement in his arms and shoulders and his feet moving on the pedals. Just the sight of him was such a pull for me. I wanted to reach out to him, run my hands over his back and put my arms around his chest and hold him tightly.

As Seth finished playing, I approached him and sat down beside him. I put an arm around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder.

'Hey there sleepy-head. I didn't expect to see you again until morning' He said softly. His voice was low and husky as though he had just woken too.

'Yes I know, sorry. Everything caught up with me' I replied sheepishly.

'Did you put me to bed?' I asked - feeling slightly embarrassed.

'Yep.. I couldn't stand to wake you when we got back. You looked so sweet. I thought you must've needed it.'

'I can't believe I didn't wake up… Thank you'

'What for?'

'For, well for just… understanding…. And for being so lovely and kind to me' I said and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smelt so good it made me linger slightly longer than I planned to. His cheek was warm and his jaw slightly rough with stubble. Seth smiled, then turned his head and kissed me gently on the lips, continuing to smile as he did so. 'umm minty!' He said after he kissed me, I giggled. He remained an inch or so from my face, just looking at me, then touched his nose against mine and kissed me again, for longer. 'mmm, does all of you taste this good?' he murmured with a smile. I could feel tingling and longing begin to spread through me, particularly as he reached his hand to rest on my thigh. I knew already he was turning this into more. I wanted it to be more. I felt an aching in my belly, I felt as though I had been so far away from him, much further than I could stand for long. Even though we had been together, it was not close enough to feel fulfilling. Our earlier discussions had left me feeling vulnerable and in need of connection with him again. The only way I could imagine feeling truly content, was to be touched by him, to be as close as possible to him.

Seth reached for my hand and pulled me up making me sit on his lap. I could feel him already becoming hard against the backs of my legs and my stomach lurched with excitement. 'Oh hello' I murmured resting my forehead against his, acknowledging what I felt. 'And what can I do for you.' I smiled. His face had changed from smiling to something more intense and he didn't answer me. I could tell that he was turned on by the look of concentration on his face. His left hand reached around and squeezed my bottom, whilst the other slid up from my tummy and onto my breasts. Seth sighed as he did it and I began to shiver a little with anticipation. We kissed again, as he touched me. Slowly, much more deeply, and drawn out this time. When we finally broke it, I had to gasp for breath. We looked at each other and laughed a little: recognising the power of that moment. Knowing that we wanted each other felt so exhilarating, but it felt as though we did not know what to do first. We wanted to be close to each other as quickly as possible, but we wanted to make it last too.

'God, I want you so badly and so often' he said, burying his face in my hair, his tone was slightly pained as if he struggled to understand his feelings. 'I don't know another way to say it… I just do.' 'mmm' I replied in agreement as I felt his lips touch my collarbone.

'Tell me what you want me to do to you' he murmured lustfully into my ear, sending shudder of excitement down my neck. 'I want to hear you say it to me' he whispered.

'I want you in every way possible' I purred, finding his lips and kissing him lazily and elaborately, enjoying the taste of him and the proximity of our faces. Seth made me get up until we stood facing each other, then suddenly he stooped and easily hoisted me up so he was holding me at his waist I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs across his backside and we giggled for a second before he kissed me again, I ran my hands through his hair, messing it with my fingers, loving the silky feel of it and enjoying the sense of being able to touch him so freely: some one I wanted to touch so much, in anyway I pleased.

Seth walked with me until he reached the counter top by the kitchen, where he put me down, sliding me forward by my legs to the edge so, then he stood between my knees looking up at me. I felt a little vulnerable up there and glanced around me, feeling aware of the full-length windows just beside us. 'This making you nervous?' he asked. 'A bit' his hands were around my bottom and hips, rubbing gently over my dress, making it ride up. 'No one can see you' he said nodding toward the window. 'No one can get out there but us' Seth leant forward and kissed me slowly but I wriggled. 'no, I can't' I said when we broke away.

'Wait here' He strode over to the windows and pressed a switch, the glass instantly turned opaque as if frozen in ice. 'Wow!' I exclaimed as he turned back to me smiling. He returned to his place with me at the counter and settled himself in front of me, reached round me with his arms. 'Better?' he asked. 'Mmm much' I replied hanging my arms around his neck and holding my hands together behind his head. 'I've been thinking about when we would get to do this all evening' he murmured, between brief kisses. 'I'll tell you what being up here is making me think about doing now' I whispered seductively against his cheek as I kissed it. 'Yeah?' he replied gruffly. As I told him in his ear he groaned in the back of his throat. His eyes glazed: travelling my face, full of lust, shining in the low light. Without a word, I felt his hands go behind my knees and pull me towards him then he lay his hand flat against my chest and pushed me backwards to lay on the counter, allowing his hand to roam across my breasts as the other slid under the skirt of my dress and hooked my knickers aside; I gasped at the abruptness. He kissed softly at the tops of my thighs, his ruffled hair tickling my skin. He began to use his tongue on me. Lightly at first, just teasing so that my legs quivered in response to each contact. The feel of his hot breath against me, made me want to grab his head and pull him closer. The teasing was sending me mad with anticipation. 'please, just do it!' I growled at him through gritted teeth, hearing him groan again at my words, almost in his own world 'uh fuck yeah, I want to hear you moan when I put my tongue in you' I heard him murmur, before he brought his lips down on me, sucking and licking, maintaining contact with such perfect pressure that I let out a long and satisfied sigh. 'Make me do it to you' he urged in a low voice, moving his lips away and kissing against my thigh again 'and I want to hear you when I taste you'. I reached for his neck in response digging my nails into his skin and pulling him hard against me whilst I pushed back against his mouth myself. He upped his speed and pressure and I felt the tingling start in my feet, I was moaning more now and saying his name out loud; I could hear him groaning when I did it. My breath was shakier so he knew I was close. Suddenly, without warning he thrust his fingers inside me whist maintaining the pressure with his mouth. 'Oh Godddd Yes!' I yelled with complete and utter delight. 'Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop' I whispered under my breath as he continued thrusting his fingers, I felt my orgasm rise. He continued on through its unfolding, maintaining the movement of his fingers as wetness ran down them. The intensity was getting beyond bearable for me and I came loudly, several more times before writhing away from him, unable to take any more. 'Jesus Christ that was so fucking hot' he exclaimed breathlessly, admiring the sight of me.

He grabbed my hand immediately to pull me upright and then lifted me down. 'Come here, I haven't finished with you yet' His voice was deeply sexy, low and husky. He led me toward the sofas and stood behind me, firmly pushing me forward to lean on the back of one so my hips were supported by it. I felt him undo his belt buckle and unzip himself and then reach to me pulling my knickers down to my thighs. He murmured 'I have to fuck you right now, we can take our time later' I knew he wanted to pace himself, neither of us had anywhere near enough, but he was so turned on by what he had done to me, he knew he couldn't last. 'I can promise you I'll want more of you later' he whispered and pushed himself firmly between my thighs where I helped him find the right angle. Our sex was brief and furious as he banged out his pent up desire. It felt wonderful to have this kind of rough, quick sex yet to already be so satisfied. I loved that he held me by my hips, but at one point he reached to my hair, holding it in his hands as he thrust into me, he never caused me any pain but his lust filled moves really turned me on. 'Oh God, Oh yesss… Seth, do it harder, go faster' I urged breathlessly knowing he wanted to hear me and he instantly began to bang his hips harder against my buttocks, it brought him over the edge soon after. His orgasm was intense and sounded more of a relief to him when it came. He held still inside me for a few moments, gathering himself before reaching to pull me up.

'You ok?' he asked breathlessly as we came face to face again. I laughed, 'Are you?!' 'Better now' he said 'That sent me crazy: I had to have you right then and there… what are you doing to me woman?' he asked trying to sound bewildered but he was clearly enjoying it. He held me for a moment before I realised what a state we were in.

'Uh Seth…. I feel a bit of a mess…' I pulled a face. He finished for me. 'Come on, let's take a shower'. 'Oh thank God…. Because after what you just did, I am _not_ kissing you again until you do!' I pulled a face again and he laughed as I ran away from him. He chased me up the stairs and into the bathroom, I screamed when he caught me and pretended to bite my neck making snarling noises until I was squealing and laughing hard. We pulled each other's clothes off, scattering a trail of them over the floor in the closet.

He turned on the shower and we both stood under its heavy rain for a few seconds, allowing it to drench our hair and run down our faces. I admired his body as the beads of water rolled down this chest. I saw he was becoming turned on again as I looked down and he grinned at me, noticing I was looking at him. 'Touch me' he urged quietly. I kissed his lips briefly, then reached down and made a fist around him. 'Uh God' he groaned as I touched him. He was hard and becoming more so in my grip. I could feel the heat of it and the slight movement under the skin. He reached both hands for me, cupping my breasts and rubbing the nipples with his thumbs in unison. I moved my hand a little, not along his full length, but just testing his sensitivity, I saw his eyes roll slightly as I did so and I was surprised he was still so on the edge. I released him, not wanting things to escalate as quickly this time and instead embraced him, pulling him close under the water. He seemed happy with this and wrapped his arms around me, resting his cheek against my hair. We washed each others skin with soap, working up lather all over us, then play fighting, flicking soap around whilst giggling and kissing.

I rubbed the soap from his hair with my hands, and then I allowed them to travel down to the back of his neck, where I held him before pulling him in for a passionate kiss. Seth looked at me with an intensity I had not seen before, in him or anyone. I felt a lump in my throat; it was so powerful. I knew how he wanted me in that moment, though nothing was said aloud. Our mouths were slippery as we kissed and I felt a stirring in me again as our lips and tongues slipped freely in the stream of water. I stopped for a second, pausing close to his face, looked him deep in the eyes, then holding his gaze, stooped to my knees before him. I heard him groan as I did so, anticipating what I was about to do, it just made me want him more. I held his backside with both hands at first, placing my lips gently at the tip of his shaft and flicking my tongue across it, but then took hold of him by the base. He gasped shakily reaching for my shoulder to steady himself. After easing him slowly into my mouth, I wasted no time picking up the pace, simultaneously, moving up and down his shaft moving my hand with it, and sucking him gently as well. 'Uh God, yes' he growled, his hands in my hair, his breathing erratic. His legs looked a little shaky so I moved him so he was able to lean his back against the wall of the shower. 'My God you know what you're doing' he gasped breathlessly. 'I am so fucking hard' He was indeed like rock. I felt pleased with myself and I repeated my tongue flicking before sucking him in again, then raising my rhythm until I heard his moans increase. 'Oh yeah, baby go faster now' he murmured looking down intently, watching my every move. Seth's eyes were like fire and the look of intense concentration he got when he was close to orgasm appeared. As I felt him tense up and he threw his hand flat against the wall behind himself, I halved my pace, languishing him with long drawn out movements whilst he came hard, flooding my mouth with a deep groan, his head against the wall, his eyes tightly closed. It was the sexiest thing I ever witnessed and the power I felt from achieving it was reward in itself for me.

I reached up for him and we stood in each other's arms under the water. Breathing in unison. Too tired to speak. Overwhelmed by the power of the moment we were experiencing. After a while, he reached back and turned off the shower. Neither of us spoke, we pulled towels around ourselves and headed back into the bedroom where we lay down instinctively curling around each other still in blissful silence. I felt as though there was no division between our bodies, as though we were fused together, the attachment I felt for him in my chest was painful, with a tension in my throat; any thought of letting him go felt impossible. I turned my body in our embrace to rest my forehead against his, our arms and legs automatically weaved together again. We brought our lips to rest on each other, breathing each other's breath, my breasts pressed against his chest.

The phone was ringing. I could hear it muffled somewhere nearby. Light was creeping in around the window blinds at the other end of the room.

'Is that yours?' Seth's voice murmured sleepily beside me. 'uh yes, but it's going to stop before I get it' I sat up in a daze having been brought right out of heavy sleep. Sure enough the phone stopped and I slumped back against the pillow again. 'You missed it' his arm reached across and rested lazily across my chest. 'Yes…. thank you!' I laughed. 'Good morning' I yawned rubbing my face with my hands. I looked down at Seth and he smiled. 'Morning'.

'I'm going to see who that was' I sighed and rolled over to my bag, which was still on the nightstand. Squinting at the screen I was unsurprised to see 'Missed call: Anna' 08.50am.

'Shit it's nearly 9am' I hissed at him. 'Uh, wh..?' was all I got back. Seth moaned a little and rolled over as if to fall back to sleep. 'Don't you have to be somewhere?' I asked, more distracted by the fact that Anna had tried to make contact with me and I knew she was actually checking up on me because I hadn't made contact with her since the day before. I knew I should go back and spend some time with her and talk about what was going on. After all: it was Anna had come to visit and now I was AWOL with Seth.

'No… I'm not on 9 to 5s' he turned back to me, bemused. 'You ok?' I looked up from my phone and back at him. 'hmm?'

'What's up? Was that Anna?' Seth asked slightly confused by my sudden distracted behaviour. 'Yeah it was Anna, she's probably checking up on me' I said ominously. 'Are you sure? She's not your mother…' he laughed a little but I didn't join him. He propped himself up on one arm looking at me.

'I can't see you there, come here'. He held out a hand to me, so I shuffled over closer and lay down too.

'What's bothering you – you have a pretty haunted look about you… come on, talk to me' he coaxed.

'uh, I guess, I feel a bit guilty…' I began. 'About what?' he asked gently. 'About ditching Anna when it's her I came to see.' 'God is that all? Sarah, she will understand… she knows you didn't plan this - right? Anyway you're not ditching her!' I nodded in response. 'What else is it, it can't be just that?' he said gently.

'Oh I don't know… I suppose moments like this just bring me back to reality…. I feel guilty I suppose. I told her about us and she was quite shocked… and a bit guarded, and since then I just can't stop having thoughts that all this really is crazy now. I've tried, but I can't get it out of my head that it feels like I'm in this amazing bubble with you at the moment and as long as I don't see anybody from outside it, as long as I don't think about it, I'm fine, but as soon as I think about my life, I start panicking that what I am doing… where I am… is unrealistic. Is this right? It makes me nervous'

'Um ok. I think I understand what you mean but I don't think you're right to worry about that being true' Seth reached out and ran his hand up and down my arm.

'Look Sarah, I want you to know, I am having the best time I can remember with you. It's a total surprise to me too, but it's a wonderful one and I just want to let it unfold and enjoy it with you… I want you to feel happy too, but you admit yourself that you're not letting that happen... you're not letting go… it's as though you think it's doomed from the start' Seth looked into my eyes his brow creased with concern.

I sat up to face him 'But honestly Seth, think about it. How realistic is what we're doing…? It's different for you anyway… it's all so easy for you' I protested, feeling a little bit criticised and sensitive and wanting to provoke him. 'I came into _your_ world… it is all new to me… it's so different to how my life has been… but nothing has changed for you. It's not just about being alone with you, the way we are right now… or us being together generally is it? That's not all life amounts to. For you it's this house and the money, the fame - all the things in your world.' I sighed… 'It's nothing like mine and I'm just hiding from that fact - thinking it won't matter, when it probably will in the end'

He looked down now tracing a crease in the sheets with his fingertip. ' 'I'm not sure I want to hear about the end right now. …' he said quietly. 'Look, I know not a lot has changed for me practically… but you must see that our meeting has been as much of a shock to me as it was to you… and to say it hasn't changed anything, makes me wonder whether you've taken in anything I've told you. ' He said with a sense of disbelief, 'Meeting you has changed so much for me as a person' he looked at me, eyes wide, '…and you say this is my world… yes, you've come into my world but it doesn't have to be just my world… this could be your home and your world too if you'd just stop holding back and let it happen' Seth said quietly. I was unsure whether he meant he wanted to make some kind of commitment to me in that sentence or whether he just wanted me to stop thinking the way I had described. I couldn't help the rising emotion in me, I felt panicky and massively confused all of a sudden. Waves of conflicting emotions raged through my mind. It was a huge swing from the ecstasy of last night, from feeling completeness to fear and doubt in such a short space of time felt totally overwhelming. The utter improbability of the situation I was in swept over me and despite the intensity of my feelings for Seth, I just wanted to push him away because of the utter dread of losing him eventually anyway.

'How could this be my world too? I frowned allowing bewilderment to creep into my tone. 'That is a massive gift to give someone Seth… and how do you know you want me that much anyway? Aren't you scared too?' I muttered finally, bitterly.

Seth looked stunned and caught his breath expelling a frustrated sigh

'You're asking me if I know my own mind?! Listen to me: If I tell you I want you, then I do. I know enough about you and about myself to realise that already. We know we both felt the same way from the first moment we saw each other but now you're doubting that? You're doubting me? Where did that come from?'

He sighed and lowered his voice again 'Look Sarah, this house, this world… us.. it can be anything we want it to be. You make things happen to you Sarah, life doesn't actually carry you randomly believe it or not' he replied firmly.

'I know I want you, and if you want me too it's our choice, not fate or circumstance – fate doesn't exist – you don't have to worry about some random act coming into it'

'Come on… I live in the real world Seth,…I'm not talking about fate, I mean, how practical is it to think I can change my life so much and really be enough for you for very long' I said quietly.

'Who said you had to change for me? Maybe I want to change for you? In any case are you such a different human being to me inside?' Seth sighed. 'I don't think so - I feel like we understand each other so much'. I could tell how frustrated he was. 'Surely all that matters is we want to be together?' He sighed, looking up at me in desperation but when I stared blankly back, his eyes froze into anger.

'Ok, So what do you think should happen now in your 'real world' as you call it?' he asked bitterly sarcastic.

'Well I should probably go back to live with Anna and be her intern as planned' I said glibly, refusing eye contact.

'Oh come on!' He yelled. 'You don't really want that - I know you don't.' He glared at me 'Because it'd be you making that happen Sarah – you would be ending this.. I'm telling you now that is NOT what I want.'

Seth was raising his voice now and sat up to face me 'it would be your decision to walk away – I assume that IS what you're talking about right now? Walking away from this? Why would you want to after what has happened between us… how could you do that, it feels so…. Unique, like it was meant to be? Unless I really am imagining what we've felt and you're just a very fine actress? Just tell me this isn't all me Sarah, will you…?' He glared at me waiting for a reply, but all I could do was shake my head. I withered in the face of his anger, which felt shockingly painful to me. His passion was astounding as he spoke, eyes alight, the words he spat felt as though they were pelting me in the chest. The lump in my throat grew and I swallowed hard trying desperately to hold back my emotions as I realised this was not something I could control or walk away from no matter how illogical it seemed. I loved him and I knew it and I could tell he loved me too.

'I wasn't acting' I whimpered finally. It is all real - every bit…. so much that saying this is killing me, but I'm just so scared…I mean look at you, look at all that you are…. and all that I'm not. I'm scared I won't be enough for you one day and I'll lose you, I would hate it… I couldn't bare that… and somehow, it just feels easier to walk away sooner than later'.

I turned away from Seth because I wanted to cry. I hated that I was saying these things. I was testing him almost without realising until it was already happening. I had made Seth feel extremely angry and I had shown him that his status and fame had got to me after all. This was the last thing I wanted… but I just couldn't stop - such was the emotion I felt for him. I wanted him so much, there was no doubt about that, but so extremely, that I couldn't get the fear out of my head that I could not face the prospect of losing him already, so perhaps I shouldn't even try to go on. The hardest thing of all was that the better things became and the more wonderful Seth showed me he was, the closer we got, the more I was becoming afraid and pushing him away and testing him and I didn't know how to stop it happening.

I gave up and let myself cry, allowing my head to fall into my hands in desperation as I sat facing away from him on the edge of the bed. Seth was still for a while as my sobs began to escape me. Then I felt him embrace me. Both arms wrapped around me from behind and pulled me in close.

'Don't cry honey…' he embraced me gently, pressing his cheek against mine. 'Please don't be scared either' I turned towards him after a while and put my arms around his waist, leaning my ear against the warm firmness of his chest and he kissed my head.

'There's nothing to be afraid of … nothing at all' he soothed in a low deep tone. 'I will never ever hurt you, I promise… and I do really just want to be with you – to me you're….' he paused mid sentence and stroked my cheek and I looked up at him, feeling like I was the child this time. He seemed to change track:'…No amount of money or fame or belongings could make up for you and how you make me feel…from now on, it doesn't matter about anything except you and me. That's how I want it to be. That's what I know for certain. Just as long as there's you and me….do you believe me? You just have to trust me.'

Seth's words were glorious but still naïve. I wanted to believe so much that I meant more than anything to him… Yet more tears came to me in a wave of grateful emotion; finally I bit my lip and nodded in response, hoping I could do as he asked and trust that he wanted me, no matter what.


	4. Chapter 4

Seth needed to go to work by midday and he was being picked up in a car. He had persuaded me that I should spend the day relaxing and making myself at home sitting by the pool rather than going back to the apartment. I weakly agreed, still feeling emotional and not really in the mood to argue when I couldn't really see how going to the apartment and being alone would help. I had waved him off from the door holding Chester on my shoulder so he didn't run around as the car came into the drive. He had kissed us both goodbye on the head, which did make me smile a little and Seth looked delighted with this scene of domestic bliss. He was clearly happy I was staying. It did feel good inside making him so happy and it was telling that he trusted me so much that he would leave me alone in his home.

I padded about the house and made myself some coffee, whilst longing for a good strong cup of tea instead. I now knew how to operate the doors and had them wide open to the pool area. Chester followed me around swishing his tail and sat nearby wherever I went. I took a look through Seth's entire Library. He had a huge archive area at the back of the house, which was catalogued and completely full of books, Vinyl albums, CDs, DVDs and magazines. Also in the room were some awards for song writing and scoring and some platinum framed album sales discs on the walls. They were perfectly organised and neat. After selecting a couple of books I made my way back to the pool and sat with them in the shade of the trees. I stretched out on the steamer chair, letting the tips of my toes reach out to the sunlight, which fell just across the foot of it. The breeze was light and the air warm. I listened to the sound of the wind blowing through the palms and sighed, enjoying the peace and solitude. I sipped some icy water. Feeling all together better. I resolved to ring Anna back.

'Hey stranger' came Anna's reply after answering on the first ring.

'Hi. How are you?' I asked, grateful that she sounded cheery, not cross.

'Seems more like I should be asking you that' she chuckled. 'I take it you're at Seth's place?'

'Yeah I am. He's not here, he had to go to a meeting.'

'Yes I know, I saw him.'

'Oh?'. For some reason it made me feel uneasy when she said this, but only because I had continued believe that the little bubble Seth and I were living in was not really connected to the real world, so someone else knowing what we were doing felt odd.

'It's ok he's not been dishing, silly.' She laughed. 'I'll say this though, he had a whacking smile on his chops lady, so you must be doing something right!'

'He did?' I tried not to sound too chuffed but the thought that I may be making him so happy he couldn't hide it did make me feel content. Smug almost.

'So what have you two been up to - need I ask?' she laughed 'There's only one thing which makes men that happy...'

'Uh well I can't deny it' I sighed and then laughed.

'Actually, I've changed my mind, spare me the details, please' she retorted.

'So when are you going to resurface? We need a catch up!' she asked cheerily.

'Uh… I don't know. Maybe we can meet later? Thing is I was going to stay here today…' I trailed off realising that I didn't really know what would happen today. Having started the day off the way we had, practical discussions hadn't really come into it before Seth left. I was just about to continue when I noticed I had a call waiting, glancing at the screen 'SM' was displayed.

'Oh Anna, can I call you back, it's him now'

'Tsk, he can't leave you alone for 5 minutes!' she cringed. 'Yep sure, call me back'

I cut her off.

'Hello you' I said into the handset.

'Hey yourself' came the reply. 'How're you doing?' I loved hearing his voice on the phone, it seemed even deeper than in person and he was sounding gorgeously flirty.

'I'm doing fine. Just sitting by the pool with Ches and having a read of some of your books'

'That's good… help yourself to anything you want to do ok? Make yourself comfortable'

'Ok'

'So listen, I forgot to tell you someone is coming to the house today… there's a guy called Matt who comes to look after the place and he is going to be over there doing some maintenance stuff for me. I'm sorry I forgot to say and he's going to be there in about five minutes'

'Oh God really?' I panicked.

'Yeah – don't worry though, he knows you're there and he's a really cool guy. He's more of a friend even though he works for me sometimes. He makes a great lunch if you talk nicely to him' he laughed.

I wasn't so sure but I couldn't exactly complain. I felt a slight sense of panic.

'Also, I was thinking about what you said earlier quite a bit and I thought, if you're ok with this, I was going to ask a couple of people to come round to the house later for dinner so you can get to know them. Just some good friends of mine, maybe we ask Anna to come too. Nothing formal, just a get-together so everyone can meet each other… I want my friends to know you. What do you think?'

He was full of surprises today.

'I… guess so… I began slowly… yeah. I was just talking to Anna on the phone when you rang actually'

'Ok so do you want to tell her about it and I'll do the rest?'

'You don't need me to do anything here?' I asked, wondering if I actually knew enough about the place to be able to help without a hundred questions anyway.

'No - thanks babe. I've got this guy who can come down and make us some food, he'll get it all and bring it down to us.' It all sounded very informal but I knew he was talking about bringing in a chef and that making us some food was probably going to be pretty special. I was beginning to get used to Seth's tendency to play things down quite a lot. I realised it was just his way. He was low-key about most things despite the fact that there was grandeur, expense and wonder all around him, he preferred not to notice it.

I finished my call with him and got back to Anna again who was very keen to come along. I was quite grateful about that so at least I had one other familiar face to keep me company that evening. As I was putting down the phone I heard a shout from inside the house.

'Knock, knock' A sing-song voice came from within. 'There you are!' a slim, blonde haired man, I guessed in his late thirties and wearing board shorts and a red short sleeved shirt and flip flops bustled through the doors from the house and across to me by the pool.

'You're Sarah right?' I nodded and smiled taking his extended hand and shaking it. 'And you're Matt?'

'That's me! Sethy did tell you I was on my way then? That man is in his own world half the time, but I love him' he trilled. 'I'm Chester's baby-sitter and Sethy's house sitter' he smiled proudly eyeing me up and down, not in a sexual way, more of a clothing check.

'Oh, well it's lovely to meet you' I replied, thinking this guy MUST be gay.

'So can I make you a drink, I've gotta get one – HOW hot is it today?' He didn't wait for a reply but turned on his heel and stepped back through the doors into the kitchen area.

I followed him in and hovered by the counter.

'So where's my little boy Ches?' he asked not looking around but loading a few things from his bags into the cupboards.

'Oh er, he's under the trees over there' I gestured 'Hot for a fur coat today' Matt turned and laughed 'Sure is – I left mine at home, gotta do some work later, didn't want to get anything on it. The cleaning Bill it is SO expensive for Ermine' he chuckled.

I laughed too.

'Do you live near by?' I asked him. I found it hard to place his status. I guessed he wasn't a neighbour or else he would not be working for Seth. Certainly none of the neighbours in Beverly Hills would need to work as someone's help.

'Not far… Up the hill a bit, where the houses are a little smaller and people have regular jobs' he smiled.

'I come down here to stay when Seth goes away. He doesn't like to leave the house empty, plus Chester needs his dinner and some company.

'How long have you known him?' I asked still trying to place the connection, especially as Seth had said Matt was more like a friend.

'Oooh, let me see… a lot of years now. I used to live next door to him, many moons ago. We had apartments on the 5th floor right next door to each other, you know like in 'Friends' only this was grubbier! We used to die of the heat in that old place. Lived in our shorts and t shirts even in the winter…. Jeez'

'Really?' I raised my eyebrows trying to picture Seth in a very different stage of life.

'Yeah - hard to believe it now, huh? Looking at all this… ' He gestured around him and smiled wistfully. I nodded. 'Aw, he deserves it. Always knew he was destined for bigger things' he shrugged. 'He's a really clever guy…and honestly, the best, most decent man I know' he smiled.

'That's quite a reference you give him' I remarked quietly.

'All true honey. All true' he replied.

I smiled at him thoughtfully.

'So what shall we drink? And hey, isn't it time for a bite, I make it 12' he returned to his sing-song voice.

'I got us some juice here so I'm just going to go ahead and take some pineapple, but I have orange and cranberry too….?'

I watched as Matt poured some drinks and then set about arranging some salad, bread and cheese on a big plate before peeling and cutting fruit. I offered to help but he wouldn't hear of it. 'Heck no honey, it's my pleasure' he smiled as he worked away at the counter.

Matt seemed pretty easy to be around. He was quite relaxed. He was also endlessly camp and airy in his approach to things, with a healthy dash of cheeky innuendo in his spiel. I was glad he hadn't asked me too many questions about myself. I was not sure if it was because he felt a sense of professional distance or whether he just trusted Seth to make his own judgements about the people he brought into his life. I got a sense from Matt that he enjoyed taking care of Seth for much the same reasons that Seth's vulnerable side was so apparent and appealing to me.

We sat in the sunshine by the pool together and ate the salad and fruit he prepared. He told me he was in a jazz band, which played gigs in some small bars in Holllywood, he said he played guitar and did backing vocals. I thought then that this had to be the common hook between himself and Seth… the music.

After an hour, Matt excused himself to get on with the jobs he had to do and I went back to my books in the shade.

I talked myself out of nosing about the house any further, partly because I felt embarrassed to in front of Matt and partly because Seth had more or less given me permission anyway so I just sat for a bit, leafing through the pages of his books.

I heard the house phone ring once and then stop. Matt's muffled voice came from within. After about five minutes he stalked across the poolside holding out the phone to me. Sarah babe, it's lover boy for you, he winked and smiled as he handed the phone to me.

'Oh' I exclaimed, straightening myself out, almost as if Seth could see me through the handset.

'Hi' I said

'Hey, what're you up to?' he sounded flirty.

'Same as before, what about you?'

'Thinking about you – same as before'

'Oh yeah' I smiled. 'In what way?'

'I was just wondering what you look like lying by the pool'

'I have clothes on' I replied laughing

'Oh come on, you can't do, that doesn't work with the fantasy' he laughed.

'Ok,… I have got a short skirt on'

'Oh that's better… tell me more' his voice deepened but he was still joking.

'What are you doing calling me again - aren't you busy?' I asked meaning him to tell me what work he was doing.

'I'm coming home in a minute to see you'

'You've finished already?' I asked surprised.

'No, I just want to be home with you in your little skirt' he replied.

'Sounds interesting' I replied, now sounding flirty too. I had to admit I needed little encouragement from him, the thought of him thinking about me was enough to get me interested and now I wanted to see him stride through those doors and across to me where I lay on the steamer chair.

'So uh… I'm thinking I could use a little time by the pool before our friends turn up. You got room for me on that chair?'

'Oh I've got room' we both laughed. He sighed, 'God, I miss being with you'

'You've only just left!' I exclaimed, but I knew exactly how he felt. When he wasn't around me I felt lost and twitchy and could only think of the next time I would see him, but I felt silly even admitting that to myself.

'I'll see you soon'

'I'll be here'

My insides turned over as I thought about him walking through the door. The thought of that first sight of him made me feel nervous and excited. I suddenly decided to hop upstairs and spruce myself up before he got back, so I ran up to the bathroom and quickly showered without washing my hair and put some make up on. I picked out a fresh top and dashed back down to appear casual.

'Hey' Seth jumped out on me as I came down the stairs. 'Shit, you frightened me' I yelped. 'Mmm well you don't scare me' he replied immediately grabbing me and wrapping his arms around me. We enjoyed a long, lustful hello kiss.

'Oh yeah! He breathed. "Now _that_ is what I came home for!' he gasped theatrically as he broke it and laughed. I smiled broadly, feasting my eyes on him. 'You're crazy' I rested my hand on his cheek while I looked at him and he turned his head to kiss it. 'That's what you did to me the first time' I said standing on my toes to touch noses with him. 'Kissed my hand' I smiled 'What a ridiculously gentlemanly first move' he laughed shaking his head. He kissed my lips thoughtfully. 'It was sweet!' I protested. 'I think it was really lovely'.

'Mmm, you smell good' he sighed ignoring my comment, burying his face in my neck. I shivered with pleasure as his lips softly touched my skin. 'You always smell good to me' I purred putting my arms around his neck and pulling him down so I could press my nose against his cheek and breathe him in. Feeling the sexual tension rise, I murmured. 'Seth,.. Matt is still here'. 'Uh-huh' he murmured in response but he was already planting little kisses on my neck.

'Woo-hoo! Looks like somebody needs to cool off' Matt's voice trilled out as he came through the front door into the hall and caught us in our embrace.

We broke apart but Seth kept his arm around me. 'Matty your jealous streak is showing' Seth retorted as Matt stepped forward. 'How are you doing buddy?' Seth extended his other arm and patted Matt on the shoulder. 'Perfect sweetie, I see you're pretty good there' He winked and they both laughed. I smiled shyly whilst observing their easy interaction for the first time.

'I'm just putting away the tools and I'll be outta your hair' he announced lightly.

'Sure, no hurry though. You want to come down later though for some food – bring David?'

'Oh yes, please come' I interjected. I assumed David was Matt's boyfriend. Besides the fact that I had so far enjoyed Matt's company, I really wanted to get to know people who were close to Seth and who knew him much better than I did. I was fascinated to see him interacting with his friends and was also keen for them to see us together now. Feeling aware, that I needed them to accept me too and realise the depth of our connection - bizarre as it may seem. I wanted to be a part of his private world and the sooner I immersed myself in it, the more imbedded I would become. I surprised myself that meeting Matt had made me feel more, not less confident about being accepted in Seth's life. I honestly thought it would be harder. It made me feel so much surer that this would be possible and I looked forward to testing the theory with more of his friends.

'I see you two bonded then' Seth looked from me to Matt.

We both smiled.

'ok so I'll be back later then, my little lovebirds.' Matt made his way out with a cursory wave.

I turned to Seth with a smile on my face feeling rather elated and the sudden spurt of energy gave me an idea. Time to play: I thought. Matt's comment about cooling off definitely got me thinking.

'Wow Seth,' I began, obviously acting something out 'Matt's right, you look like you need to cool down' I said playfully.

'Uh… yes…' he replied slowly, eyeing me suspiciously. I tugged his shirt out of his jeans and started taking it off.

'What are you doing?' he asked slowly beginning to smirk. 'Oh you look a bit warm so …' I took his shirt off while he just stood with a bemused smile watching me. I removed his phone and wallet from his pockets and kicked off my flip-flops. I was only wearing my little beach skirt and vest top. He followed my lead and took off his shoes but as he stood straight again I grabbed his hand hard and yanked him through the doorway starting to make a run for the pool.

'Hey, what the -' he yelled as I dragged him through the house and ran out of the doors straight for the pool, then without letting go of his hand leapt into the air and into the water with a scream, pulling him in after me. We made a massive splash as we hit it and plunged right down under the water enveloped by hundreds of tiny air bubbles. We surfaced gasping and laughing. 'You're fucking nuts' he laughed gasping for breath and grabbing me in his arms, his face was shining with happiness. He looked stunning, his hair drenched and water running down his body, his jeans soaked. I allowed him to wade through the water with me in his arms and he lifted me up to sit on the edge of the pool. 'You are one crazy broad!' he laughed again. 'Look at me!' he exclaimed in reference to being drenched. 'I am - and I'm liking what I see!' I flirted raising an eyebrow at him. He hauled himself up to sit on the edge of the pool beside me so we were sitting with our legs dangling into the water. He reached down and held my hand as we sat catching our breath, the warm late afternoon sun beating down on us, already evaporating moisture from our skin.

'I never know what's coming with you' he sighed looking down into the water as. I turned my head to study his face as he caught his breath. He wasn't smiling, he looked to be more in a daydream than anything. I watched carefully as he swilled the water around with his feet looking down into the vortex he created.

'Come on you' I said quietly so it made him look at me. 'Lets get you out of those wet things' I grinned at him cheekily and then leapt up to my feet, holding out my hands to him to pull him up. 'You beat me to it' he laughed 'I was going to say that to you' He took my hands and got up, his jeans stuck to his legs with the weight of the water. I admired the sight of him again before reaching out to his zipper to take them off, but he caught my hand. 'Not here' He said before leading me off around the side of the house and in through the side door.

We showered and changed into fresh clothes then Seth poured some wine for us whilst I skipped around the pool area and garden barefoot in a little summer dress, laying out tea lights and flowers everywhere and lighting the huge hurricane lamps by the terrace where we would be sitting with our guests. He beamed at me through the windows, enjoying watching what I was doing. He looked gorgeous in a white linen shirt, loose at the neck and sleeves rolled up to his forearms, his dark hair tousled roughly, just as I liked it, also black jeans and bare feet like mine. We both hated shoes and took every chance to kick them off, preferring to walk inside and out without them.

He put on some music so it filled the garden and then wandered out to join me with the two glasses in his hands. By now, the catering had arrived and Seth had given them directions as to what he wanted them to do and where. Three men dressed in chef's whites set about lighting a huge fire pit with a grill and laying out shrimps and steaks to be cooked.

The scented woodchips fuelling the fire, mixed headily with the warm evening air and the perfume of the jasmine flowers woven around the boarders of the patio area. He joined me on the lawn, which swept down in a gentle incline to the edge of the plot and faced the city below. We stood side by side holding our frosted glasses, peacefully silent, as we stared out into the calm dusky evening and lights gradually began to illuminate the Los Angeles skyline.

A couple of hours later our little party had really taken off. Laughter and chatter echoed around the terrace and wonderful smoky food smells wafted through the air. I had met several of Seth's friends by this point. Anna had arrived and Matt had returned, introducing me to David, who was indeed his boyfriend and turned out to be a much quieter, very good natured ogre of a man who towered above us all in height but was such a gentle character, his physicality seemed unthreatening. Matt was a wonderful addition to our party, seeming to be unable to 'clock-off' from his nurturing mode and happily circled the guests re-filling their drinks and generally making sure everyone was happy.

It was so good to see Anna, much as I was absorbed in the time I was spending with Seth, I realised I had missed our chats and on her arrival we had immediately retreated to the kitchen to gossip and catch up.

Seth was having a wonderful time, he looked so happy talking and joking and my introductions to his friends had been less frightening than I had thought. They had greeted me immediately with smiles and interest when Seth, with notable pride and affection, introduced me to each one in turn. Seth stuck close by me at first, knowing I was nervous but soon I was happy for him to go off and talk to others and I began chatting freely amongst them. They were clearly a close bunch, their greetings on seeing each other were full of hugs, jokes and laughter and I certainly got the sense that he was somewhat cosseted and protected by them, the females almost mothered him, which I could understand in some ways, though I couldn't help but see him as untouchable and not needing anyone so wondered why they felt he did need to be shielded.

As I sat talking to Steve, a robust, red haired middle years man and his wife Amy, who was immaculate: slim with long dark hair and clear green eyes. I patted Chester, who was rubbing enthusiastically around my legs purring loudly.

'So Sarah' Amy began, 'You've made a bit of a hit with Chester there' she smiled.

'Yeah, I love cats' I replied with a smile.

'Oh so does he' she rolled her eyes gesturing to Seth – who was across the other side of the pool chatting to another couple Jamie and Katie.

'I hear you guys also have your musical background in common' Steve said cheerily.

'Uh really?' Laughed 'I guess maybe… not in the same sense as Seth, but yes I have a history of playing some instruments and singing.' I replied looking down shyly.

Amy was watching me carefully.

'What about you guys?' I resorted to the encyclopaedia of small talk 'How do you know Seth?'

'Ah, well Steve knows Seth from college' Amy answered '…and I met him when Steve and I got together about 6 years ago… so I knew Seth before things really took off for him, but only just. By the time we got married he was famous and we had guys with cameras trying to sneak into our wedding reception to catch Seth hitting on the bridesmaids or whatever it is they look for in a tabloid story!' she shook her head wearily.

I raised my eyebrows and smiled a small smile. Having had little experience of him in his public persona, I was probably experiencing a bizarre opposite response in comparison to how others must have known him. Seth, to me, was the man I talked to one to one, who I could call up and flirt with, lay down at night with and play fight in the shower with and above all he was my lover. The concept of photographers and fans and fame were what I knew least about in his life. His friends seemed acutely aware of his public life and the trappings it brought.

'Seth said he met you through a friend at work' Amy continued.

'Uh' I stammered, realising this was going to come up but not knowing Seth had already painted a scene, slightly different to the improbable sounding reality. I wondered if he felt embarrassed about how he met me or if it were just that he found it as hard as I did to explain how it is we had thrown caution to the wind and found ourselves together so quickly.

'Yeah, I guess… Anna' I pointed to her across the garden. 'Anna is my friend from school and she works at Masterson Peters, they represent Seth.'

'Oh sure, ok' Steve chipped in seeming to get the connection. 'So you're English right – I got the accent" he grinned, "What're you doing in LA? Are you an actress?' he asked. I was feeling a little flushed and caught Seth's eye hoping for some help in what to say. He saw me but carried on talking for a second before glancing again in my direction to confirm what I was indicating with my look.

'No, no – not an actress' I faltered a little but thankfully they didn't seem to notice that before I felt Seth's arm around my shoulder.

'Hey guys, anybody want a drink' he chipped in. Thank God I thought. I was feeling slightly worried as I didn't know what I should or shouldn't say to them or if I should just be honest. Was I supposed to know how to handle this? I had not thought there was a plan but suddenly felt anxious about speaking out of turn and making Seth feel uncomfortable.

Amy smiled at us as she watched Seth pull me close to him.

'You guys are SO cute together!' She exclaimed. Seth looked at me and grimaced. 'Excuse 'Aunt' Amy, Sarah, she just can't help her clucking around me' He shot her a grin and she tutted but gave him an equally big grin in response. I smiled and looked up to Seth, 'I could use a top up please' I held out my empty glass. I was hoping to get the chance for a word with him to find out what I needed to avoid talking about. I wasn't too concerned at that stage, I just noted to myself that perhaps things weren't as open as they seemed here. Before he could take the glass, Amy leapt up, and grabbed it first 'Come on let's leave the guys to talk, we need to have some girl-time!'. She announced and promptly grabbed me by the hand and headed for the kitchen.

'Uh…OK' Seth said slowly. He checked my face as I disappeared but he realised there was no choice but to leave me to Amy and shrugged weakly.

'So how's the new script coming on man' I heard him say cheerily to Steve.

Amy busied herself opening the fridge and checking out what drinks were available. One of the catering guys was in the utility section washing up pots so she clattered about a little until he decided to make himself scarce.

'What are you drinking Sarah?' She asked, but didn't wait for my reply. 'I think we should hit the Mojitos though – check out this jug'.

'Uh, sure, ok. I'll have one.' I replied tentatively. 'Course you will' she smiled. 'Did Seth make this? He's a fantastic cocktail maker' she laughed. 'Yeah I think he made that earlier' I said slowly.

'Sarah you guys have to come over for dinner one night, if you can get his lordship to finish work in time' She smiled wryly.

'Oh er, he doesn't seem to have a problem at the moment, he's hardly there.' I replied simply.

She gawped at me. 'Are you kidding? This guy works every hour…'

'Well he was home by 4pm today' I replied, but realising I was uncovering something for her.

'Same yesterday' I added.

She looked at me, one eyebrow raised.

'Wow Sarah… he sounded pretty excited about us meeting you and now I know why… this is looking like he's a bit of a changed man!'

'Really?' I asked, shocked at her speedy assessment. However, she did seem rather an exaggerator, in the kindest possible way. She was friendly enough, but clearly excitable and lively. I imagined she was one of the many failed wanna-be actresses who found a rich guy to look after her, as seemed to happen so often in Beverly Hills. I had not yet asked what she did and suddenly felt I must be underestimating her as I just couldn't imagine Seth being friends with anyone fey.

'Sarah, he is mad about you!' She exclaimed. 'He's all puppy-dog eyes around you, that's clear to see, he's like an excited kid when he talks about you and now you're telling me he's not working much and coming home early?' She smiled and handed me my drink.

Anna came in from the garden and greeted us both cheerily.

'I had to escape from Al' she groaned. 'He's going on about Joanna again – we really need to get that guy laid you know. He's completely hopeless without her!' She exclaimed.

'Oh poor thing' Amy sympathised 'You - not Al!' and they both laughed.

'Mojito?' she asked holding up the jug to Anna. 'We're having one… Sethy's special recipe' Anna looked mock-scared and then agreed. 'Ok why not – at least I won't be the only legless broad' she laughed. 'You have been in LA too long lady' Amy exclaimed. 'Broad?!' I laughed too. I have to admit Anna was at least picking up the vernacular, despite resolutely hanging onto her middle class English accent.

'So what are you ladies talking about' Anna asked looking from one of us to the other.

I cringed a little.

'Oh I see – we're talking the only man on Earth are we?!'

'No less' Amy smiled and they exchanged knowing looks.

'WHAT?' I snapped, but still grinning.

'ooh, sensitive!' Anna teased, putting an arm around me.

'I'm not, I just don't know what you're all going on about' I protested

I glanced outside at Seth: he was now entertaining a group of friends, who were laughing heartily. I couldn't even look at him without smiling. He sensed my gaze and gave me a little smile and a wink before turning back to talking. With most men, a wink would not be a convincing way to flirt and would definitely be construed as corny if not comical, but the result of Seth's wink gave me butterflies and I returned a weak little grin before we turned back to our respective conversations.

'See – look at that!' Amy squealed spying our interaction. 'Look at how he is with her!' she said triumphantly.

'I have to admit he's been one happy chappy when I've seen him around' Anna agreed.

'Ok you two: I am too bloody embarrassed now'. I said half joking but quite firmly. 'Can we talk about something else?'

We all moved over to the pool area and sat at a table there. We downed a few more mojitos whilst discussing everything from school to shopping and ended up giggling quite a bit. Anna seemed aware that Amy was keen to find out more about me and was helpful in changing the subject for me if I looked uncomfortable. When Amy disappeared to the bathroom she hissed at me: 'She's a bit keen isn't she?' with wide eyes. 'She's fine but you have to speak to Seth about this – she doesn't know how you met and she's on to you. She acts like his mother half the time so she's just being protective. Plus she loves gossip.'

I sighed, not knowing how to handle it. Did it matter if she knew I wondered? 'Gossip with whom?' I asked suspiciously. 'Look all I'm saying is she knows a lot of people in showbiz. Her hubby is a film scriptwriter and she mixes in all the studio circles and knows just about everyone'. I listened carefully. 'So how come she's one of Seth's best friends?' 'Well she does look out for him and he trusts her but really it's Steve who is his friend. She's just a bit more vocal – she wears the pants in their house – know what I mean? Seth humours her for Steve's sake'.

'Ah. I nodded.

'Listen you' she tapped me on the knee. 'How are you doing, I'm really missing you, you know!' she gave me a little smile.

'I know, I know…I really feel bad for leaving you but, well, I just want to be with Seth' Then sighed. 'How lame did that sound?!'

'Oh don't be silly' she rubbed my arm, 'I'm fine with it. I can see you're ok. I'm keeping my beady eye on my little mate, never fear!'

I smiled at her and then glanced over to Seth again.

'You do really like him don't you?' She asked quietly. I continued to look at him, feeling butterflies in my tummy and wanting to be next to him.

'Yeah' I sighed wistfully. 'So what's up then buttercup?!' she asked more cheerily. 'It's obvious he's mad about you Sarah, everyone can see it.'

'I'm scared Anna." I shrugged. "I've been pushing him away even though it's the last thing I really want to do. I can't seem to help myself from doing it.'

'Why,?! What have you done?' she asked concerned. I sighed 'I just keep questioning this, questioning if we should be together all the time instead of just letting things unfold naturally'

'Have you talked to him about it so he can put your mind at rest?'

'Yes – yes I have and he is being so lovely but I just don't think he really gets it. I don't think he can see how different this is for me. Anna – you've been over here in LA for a while now so it's probably dropped off your radar but this is bloody mad! Look at this house, this place, look at him – he's gorgeous and rich and so fucking full of talent it scares the life out of me. It scares me because… well… look at me.' I gazed at the ground and played with my hands.

'Uh Sarah! I AM looking at you' she replied incredulously. 'You are beautiful and intelligent and creative, you're not rich and famous but who cares? A hundred men would feel the same as he does about you but you just don't see it do you? I suspect that what he sees most in you is the very fact that you aren't from this life. It's probably the bit he's been missing the point about with his choice of woman all along… the reason he's been single until now'

She was a bit drunk and found it easy to pull me in a plant a kiss on my cheek. I gave a sulky smile in response. 'You're biased anyway… but that does make sense I guess. It's still hard not to freak out though." I grimaced at her and then grabbed her hand. "Thank you…I'm so glad you're here, I mean that - I wouldn't know how to handle this if you weren't here to talk to'

'Oh you nutter!' She gave me a playful shove, 'We have to go out soon and have some proper time together, tell me when you're free and we'll make a day of it. In the meantime I spot 'The Oracle' returning so my last thing to say to you is – just enjoy this. I'm serious Sarah: this thing with him is special, I'm certain. Just go for it!'

I smiled and nodded and Amy rejoined us.

'So what've I missed?' she exclaimed.

I left them to it after a short time. I wanted to find out what Seth was doing, and I discovered him alone by the bar area pouring a drink. I put my arms around his waist from behind without saying a word.

'Mmm Dave, your hands are so soft' he murmured jokily rubbing my hand. I swatted his backside and he turned around laughing before we kissed lightly on the lips. The sensation of each other's breath and our ease of mind due to the atmosphere and the alcohol, made us stumble into something deeper. We enjoyed a lustful but brief kiss then broke it quite quickly, knowing we would be watched and neither of us was the type to want to be seen that way. He kissed my cheekbone and whispered in my ear 'Watching you walking around in that little dress… you make me want you so much' I shivered at the sensation of his lips grazing my ear. I felt desire brewing in me and I moaned quietly, wanting him too, as he hovered his mouth near mine, whilst allowing the slightest of touches of our lips to occur.

'I could really do with a distraction right now' he murmured seductively, 'Or I'm just gonna have to have you again'

'Oh God don't' I urged desperately, 'I want you too but you're making it worse!' I pushed him away in a flourish but then took his hand and led him to his piano.

'Play to me' I demanded. 'I love to watch you' I smiled. He grabbed his glass and did as I asked, seating himself at the keys, making room for me to sit beside him on the stool.

'You want requests or should I make it up as I go along?' he asked looking at me sideways. He clicked his knuckles theatrically, waiting for my answer' Uh that's horrible' I exclaimed screwing up my nose, and he laughed.

'I think you should choose what to play' I said finally, not entirely sure of what to ask for.

He began with a show tune, which made me laugh as he sang he complex and hasty lyrics without a hitch. I sat grinning and giggling happily as he entertained me. A couple of woops and shouts of approval came from our guests outside and he nodded and grinned as he continued. He moved seamlessly through several song changes, performing each one perfectly. By now a couple of the others had come inside to stand by the piano and joined in when they knew the words. Everyone was having an amazing time and Matt did a little duet with a very reluctant David, at the request of Seth. It was hilariously funny and the group watched, delighted. David blushed his applause away but obviously loved the attention. It really made me feel happy as I watched him, recognising his response - shyly thanking us for the praise. I noticed how much Seth smiled and enjoyed performing on his own, but also he seemed to get just as much from playing and encouraging others have their moment. I was surprised at how little ego he appeared to possess – not seeming to care if he were the star of the show or not and simply enjoying the experience of making his friends laugh and enjoy themselves.

After we kissed and waved off our last guests at the door and closed it behind us. I turned to Seth. 'Would you play something for me, I've just thought of a request?' The music that evening had inspired me. Seth's playing had inspired me too because I also played piano, but had not told him yet. The feeling had surprised me because I had felt for the first time in many years, really absorbed by the music. I experienced a feeling I recognised from when I played and sang myself. After each song, I immediately thought of the next thing I wanted to hear. I just thought of more songs. There were times when hours went by as I played alone and sang to myself. I had forgotten the feeling it gave me, the emotions it took me through and the addiction it created. Seth's playing had brought that back to the fore.

'Sure, what do you have in mind' he asked, surprised and intrigued.

We sat down again at the piano and I told him the song. 'I love that song, you want me to sing it or just play?' 'Just play' I said quietly.

My heart quickened as my plan began to unfold. I tried not to let my breathing increase, as I knew it would not help me. I took a last minute sip of my drink from my glass, which was placed on the top of the piano and as he completed the introduction, I began to sing. My heart pounded as I started but I was amazingly in control of the sound coming out of me. I saw a flicker of surprise on Seth's face and a small smile after the first few notes but he did not falter, just continued to play. As the song went on, I relaxed and really started to enjoy the moment, carefully controlling my breathing and volume. Seth's face was a picture, and this only spurred me on to really give the tune all I could. I knew he was impressed, he frowned and shook his head in disbelief but continued to play, knowing that I needed to do this, and not wanting to break the moment.

As I finished the vocals and the last notes of the song rang out. He turned to me. I bit my lip and looked down feeling shy now I had no song to hide behind. He took a breath to speak, but nothing came out. He stood up and marched away from me, his hand reaching up to his forehead and rubbing it before turning back. 'Sarah' He said finally, his voice was different to the ways I had heard it before: he sounded half shocked and half emotional. 'You fucking blew my mind!' He turned away, shaking his head, then walked back to me again. 'You can sing like _that_?' His eyes were alight, with surprise and shock. He sat down again beside me and put his hand on my shoulder to stare at my face. I put my face in my hands, but he pulled them away again. 'No, don't hide from me' he insisted holding them in his grip. 'You are incredible…. You need to do more of that' I looked up very slowly, having avoided his eye contact so far, I was scared to acknowledge what I had done and Seth's reaction to me. Of course I was relieved that I had not messed it up, I was flattered at his reaction, but surprised too: by myself. I don't know how I managed to get the courage to do it in the first place, but I was glad, it was starting to feel good. As I locked eyes with him, a smile crept across my lips and he smiled back at me. 'Seriously, that was amazing.' He said quietly, 'Your voice is…. Well it's beautiful'. He seemed fascinated, but unable to express himself. 'Say something – ' he urged.

I didn't know what to say. I half wished for a second that I could take it all back because his reaction was so dramatic, it scared me a little; I just did not know how to handle it.

'I, er… I'm really flattered' I said finally. 'I knew I could hold a tune but-' I stopped talking.

'Can you sing some more to me?' he asked. 'Whatever you want, I can play it. Tell me a song. He urged. 'Uh, well, ok…' I cleared my throat. 'How about "Some day"?' I suggested. 'Oh uh, Louisa Vandelas right?' 'Yup' 'Sure – let me try it out and you can just join in when I get it ok?' I nodded.

He played and I sang, the more I sang the more he smiled. He was beaming from ear to ear. 'My God' he exclaimed as we finished another song. 'You just get better… I can't believe this, how the hell have you kept this to yourself for so long?' I smiled a little, still rather invigorated by stunning him. 'I don't normally let people hear me' I replied simply and shrugged. 'You never sing for anyone?' 'No…' 'But Why? Your voice is too beautiful to be kept to yourself' I got up from the piano now and paced across the room to the doors which faced the garden. I stood looking out into the darkness of the garden staring at the few flickering candles still alight from where I had placed them earlier. 'I just… never really believed I was any good.' I sighed. He didn't reply, but I could sense his response was bristling with excitement and some frustration.

'How come you suddenly wanted to show me?' He asked - calmer now; his voice more gentle.

I turned in the doorway so he could see my face. He was still sitting at the piano, looking across the room at me.

'I just started to feel like suddenly I could… you inspired me the way you play and how you love it so much. I started to love the music again tonight with everyone singing and you playing…. I guess I remembered how it made me feel watching you …. It made me feel strong…And I just wanted to connect with you… and for you to know that I could do it too.. I wanted to prove it to you.'

He smiled, 'I'm glad you did'. He held out a hand to me now, gesturing for me to come to him. I responded and went to sit beside him again at the piano. He put his arm around me and pulled me close. 'I'm proud of you, if you don't mind me saying that?' he laughed a little. 'I don't' I smiled pressing my cheek against his neck. 'You know it's hard for me not to get really excited about this: my favourite person showing me she is so talented' he looked down at me.

'Oh come on' I shook my head and raised an eyebrow. 'You must be being a little bit kind to me' He shook his head, frowning 'Not a chance - I'm not into bullshitting, especially when it comes to music, Sarah – it's my business, I don't mess around with this sort of thing. I really think you have something special' I shoved him playfully 'Oh I bet you say that to all the girls!' and laughed. He smiled, but shook his head again. 'You amaze me you know that? You really have no idea…' he trailed off in his thoughts as he looked at me. Finally he reached out and lifted my chin with his finger and planted the gentlest of kisses on my lips.

'Come on, lets relax now, it's late.' he got up and closed the doors to the garden, then taking my hand, led me over to the sofas. 'Want to watch a movie? ' He turned down the lights and we sat in the darkness our feet up and a blanket covering us. We watched Hitchcock's 'North by Northwest', which we found out was a favourite for both of us. I lay beside him, with my head resting against his chest and his arm around me. I drifted off to sleep towards the end of the film: the warmth of us, the blanket and the sound of his heart beating, was wonderfully soothing. I woke when he touched my hair as the credits were rolling.

'Sorry, I always fall asleep when I have a blanket over me and a warm chest to lie on – just like a baby!' I sighed. He laughed, 'Fantastic, I know how to keep you quiet if I want to' he stroked my arm softly.

'Thank you for today' I said suddenly, realising what a great feeling I had inside me lying there with him. He smiled 'What are you thanking me for?' he asked quietly. 'I just feel so ... well… strong and..' 'Happy?' he finished for me. 'Yes. Happy' I grinned at him. 'Can't think of any place I'd rather be either' He smiled. 'Being with you really makes me happy' I said sitting up a little bit so I was face to face with him. 'That's good because it's the same for me' he replied taking hold of my hand. 'Honestly, I don't think I have ever felt happier in my life…. Which is why I wanted to ask you…. if you would consider staying here with me full time' he said calmly. I was taken aback. I was not expecting him to say that, but my heart immediately began to race and so did my thoughts. My instinct was to feel excited. Of course I wanted to, I adored him, I couldn't stand to be away from him, so it seemed like the natural response. In that moment, high on the excitement of that day, I agreed right away and we hugged and kissed each other excitedly, grinning broadly.


	5. Chapter 5

Next morning was a bright and clear but humid again.

It was August, the height of summer and the humidity levels often rose to unbearable levels in California at this time of year. We woke to the heat of the day beating down onto the marble floor and reflecting back into the room; even though only a thin sliver of light fell across the floor.

Seth had stirred first and turned over to face me, but feeling the clammy heat had chosen only to rest a hand lightly on my wrist. Any other contact at that point would have been too uncomfortable to bear for long. I awoke to his touch and sighed, stretching out slightly before opening my eyes to focus.

'Uh, it is so warm today' I groaned.

'Yeah it's pretty bad' Seth agreed rubbing his forehead.

'Did you sleep ok?' he asked drowsily.

'Yeah really well' I replied 'But waking up in a sauna isn't great.'

'Let's get some air in here, but I think we're going to have to shut the doors and go with full scale air con later or it's going to melt us'

As he got up from the bed to open the drapes and the doors to the balcony, I watched him silently, admiring his naked body as he crossed the room.

'Ow' he groaned as the sunlight stung his eyes. Shortly afterwards the sweet relief of gentle breeze began to spread into the room. I couldn't help but give him a cheeky grin as he turned back, now allowing me the full frontal view in broad daylight.

'Like what you see?' he laughed, slightly self-consciously. I loved the way his occasional shyness would appear when least expected. It was an incredibly attractive trait to me.

'Oh yes indeed' I replied in a jokey way - but in all honesty I was drinking in the view I had. I lowered my eyelashes and gave him my best theatrical 'come hither' look, which obviously worked as he quickly re-joined me, we shed the covers and he lay behind me wrapping his arms around me.

'It is a bit hot for this' I reasoned, '…but you just should not walk around being naked and gorgeous!' Seth chuckled in my ear and kissed it lightly before his hand began to travel up my body from my waist to encircle my breast.

'This what you want?' he said in a low voice. I shivered at the sound and contact of him.

'Guess that's a yes' he murmured as my nipples stiffened under his fingertips and goose bumps appeared on my arms. He brought his lips to the nape of my neck and nuzzled it gently sending shivers cascading down my spine. I moaned out softly.

'Ok so I have two things to say to you this happy hot morning' he whispered, after breaking away from my neck.

'What's that?' I replied breathlessly, not wanting him to stop and talk now.

'Well, the firstly, I want to make love to you' he paused and I responded 'mmm' - not knowing what else he could say and so he should just go ahead and do that.

'And secondly – just in case you're not really feeling the English rose thing in the bedroom, and 'making love' is not your thing today… I just want to fuck you so hard – which is it to be?!' he whispered deeply. I couldn't help but burst into laughter and turned to face him so we could kiss properly. We pressed our faces close and enjoyed a long sexy kiss.

'You can make love to me if you want' I whispered. 'I think it's really sweet to say that.' He smiled in response. 'Well I do try to be a gentleman with you but you just have this effect on me. You turn me into a sex maniac and it's hard to be dignified when you keep getting massive boners.' I smiled and touched his nose 'Poor helpless baby' I cajoled, 'It must be so hard for you' He laughed 'nope, it's hard for you actually!' I tutted and frowned at him before we both smiled and melted into another kiss.

Soon we were locked in a passionate embrace, our tongues meeting hungrily. My body experienced a torrent of sensations from our contact. I rolled over and pulled him on top of me so I could feel his excitement pressing down on me. He looked into my face with such affection; admiration, perhaps there was even a note of helpless surrender in his shining dark brown pools as they registered the depth of our connection. The tension deep inside my chest and the lump in my throat returned as we lay together; feeling such huge strength of desire in that moment that I could not imagine it ever being any other way between us. I wanted him sexually of course, because in every way he was attractive to me, but now I could feel the want and the need to be close to him emotionally, spilling over into my voice.

I raised my hand to his face.

'If only you knew how you make me feel' I whispered pressing my palm to his cheek. Seth looked on intently before pressing his lips to mine briefly.

'Why don't you try me' he whispered back gently, realising I was serious. 'I was about to say that I'm scared to… but...' 'I told you not to be' he reminded me, a reassuring tone in his voice. I closed my eyes for a second, blocking him out in preparation, giving myself the courage to tell him what I was so desperate to say and now could barely hold back. I opened my eyes to find his eyes still gazing back at me, a serious but calm expression on his face. 'I love you', I whispered and held my breath. He said nothing but immediately kissed me, warmly; tenderly; with huge affection and when we broke away he sighed softly before saying right back to me 'I love you too… more than I know how to say.' He blinked slowly and smiled.

We were silent again, staring intently into each other's eyes, that thunderous chemistry loomed, almost as if it's energy were growing and multiplying inside us and flowing between us.

Finally we began to kiss and touch each other again, slowly and softly, with such care and relish, as though the other were constructed of delicate paper; feather-light tender touches and kisses. We made love to each other with such synchronicity, in a way we never felt or knew to be possible before; and all that went though my mind over and over as we did, was 'I love you, I really love you. I love you so, so much'. I wanted to scream it out loud.

Our days and nights following were like a dream. For a month, we barely left each other's side. Seth rarely went to work. I did not return to Anna's place. The answer-phone in the house would accumulate messages but we ignored it all, preferring quiet dinners alone, or to sit in each other's arms at home, or hold hands or stand and kiss anywhere and at any time we pleased. The feeling was heavenly, intense and erotic. We smiled and kissed and loved each other incessantly. Seth played and sang love songs to me, then swept me up in his arms, unable to contain his passion for me and carried me upstairs to bed.

One afternoon in late September, as we lay together in bed, naked but for a sheet and the pillows strewn around us, a thunderstorm was brewing on the horizon; the air was dense and heady; the daylight tinged eerily with a smoky yellow hue. Feint rumbles of thunder were distant but becoming more noticeable and the occasional flashes of lightning illuminated the dark patches of the densest clouds. It was eight weeks since we met and my life was very different to the one I had known. I was settled with Seth and our bond was stronger than I had known with anyone before. We lived and breathed each other to the detriment of anything else. Our friends had expressed tentative concern about our lack of interest in anything much more than being alone, but we cared nothing for those comments and continued as we wished, feeding our great passion for each other.

Seth was leaning against a pillow, reading. His other arm was draped loosely across my shoulders while I sat next to him. I daydreamed as I stared out at the approaching storm, I had not known contentment in its real sense before, but now I felt it, I was certain. Seth was all I wanted and needed and my thoughts were wrapped around him and within him. I had no care for anything but us, and our unquenchable appetite for each other, it was both fulfilling but destructive by the same sweet means.

He turned from his reading and looked down to me.

'You hungry honey?' He asked before kissing my hair. I smiled at his touch but shrugged. 'Not really' I replied quietly, half in my daydream still. Seth put down his book and took off his glasses. 'I think we should eat something soon, we're not even keeping track of it this weekend.' He sat up and turned to me. 'Are you feeling ok? You're so quiet today' he stroked my arm.

'I'm feeling…. Just perfect actually.' I replied sleepily.

He studied me for a while.

'I want to ask you about something later… to do with your music' He said quietly, still searching my face.

'Lets go and make something to eat first'.

We pulled on jeans and tops and, went downstairs to raid the fridge.

Chester was making his presence known with some loud meows as Seth opened the fridge door and leapt onto the counter to watch. It looked fairly empty in there and it was clear we really needed to buy some food.

'I have to get some food ordered' he sighed, grimacing as he sniffed the milk.

'Give it to Ches' I gestured, as Chester jumped from his vantage point and whirled around our feet rubbing our ankles.

He handed me the carton and I reached for Chester's bowl, pouring the half sour contents into it. As I placed it down for him the smell caught the back of my throat and I felt myself retch slightly. Seth looked at me with a confused smile. 'I didn't know you had a weak stomach'

It surprised me too, because it was only really partly sour. 'I don't', I shrugged and frowned, bringing my hand to my lips.

He continued rummaging in the fridge, suspiciously looking into cartons then taking out most of the contents to throw away. 'You must be hungry then… past hungry if you feel nauseous'

'Lets call out for food' he said finally, 'this is hopeless'

'So what did you want to ask me' I said to him. We sat either side of the massive oak table in the dining room. We had decided that as we had been slobs in so many other ways, when our food arrived we would at least lay it out on a table and eat it off plates. Now we were sitting opposite each other with our plates full of food and a candle, just for good measure.

He put down his fork, took a sip of his wine and looked at me, pausing for a second before speaking.

'Look, I want you to come into the studio with me when I go there tomorrow' Seth paused again and watched me. 'I want you to sing for one of the producers there, you know, just to show him what you can do'

I continued eating very slowly. Seth was speaking quite tentatively because he knew I would be nervous at the prospect he was pushing me. Since I had sung for him after the party, several weeks before, I had done so many more times at his request, but I was extremely shy about it, even with him and despite the compliments, which literally fell from his mouth, I still refused to believe I was doing anything particularly special, whereas he was in complete awe of it.

'I don't know…' I began, feeling my cheeks redden. The thought of having to 'perform' in front of a stranger, with the added pressure that I had to live up to having been recommended by Seth was making me feel panicky to say the least.

'Just try Sarah, please?' he urged. It will only be you, Ron Murphy and me in a booth… or I don't even have to be there if you don't want me to be… it can be as you want… I've been thinking about this Sarah and I think you have something really special. I'd just like to let Ron hear you. I've told him about you'

I eyed Seth suspiciously. Taking another forkful of food so I wouldn't have to reply immediately. He saw what I did and sighed with frustration before picking up his fork and doing the same.

'What would happen after that?' I asked once I had swallowed the food. 'I mean: I would be doing this with a view to what?' His eyes flickered towards me for a second and then back at his plate.

'With a view that it might not be such a terrible experience for you and that someone else gets to hear what a beautiful voice you have' Seth was calm, but his tone was insistent. He continued eating without looking up 'Seriously baby, I am not trying to torture you, really I'm not… I know this is hard for you and you're not used to it at all but that could change. I can help you so it doesn't feel so daunting… you might even get to like performing if you try.'

I sighed long and hard.

'That a yes?' he asked looking up, eyebrows raised, a small smile on his face..

'So if I hate it, we can forget all about this?' I responded but not to his question, pushing my plate away, which was still loaded with food.

'Of course we can, I'm not going to force you to do anything but you can't blame me for trying. I'm not playing with you; I really am impressed. I told you I don't mess around when it comes to my work.' He replied excitedly. Seth reached over and took hold of my hand. 'Besides, I can see what it does to you when you sing. I know how that feels inside because I recognise it'

I smiled weakly.

'You done with that already?' He gestured towards my discarded plate.

'Yep. I'm just not that hungry today'

'Do you want any more to drink?' He picked up the wine bottle and tilted it .

I shuddered at the thought 'No I'll stick with the water.

'Come here' Seth tugged on my hand gently, encouraging me to come around to his side of the table. When I joined him, he pulled me onto his lap and put his arms around me to comfort me.

'Maybe you're coming down with something…' he touched my forehead lightly with the back of his hand. 'I don't feel hot' I said in response. 'No you don't really' he shrugged. Looking at my face closely. 'You do look tired though'.

'Great!' I laughed sarcastically. 'You know I don't mean that!' He kissed my cheek. 'Why don't I set you up on the sofa, you can get comfortable and if I put a movie on you might even fall asleep…' he smiled sweetly. 'I'll even make you a cup of tea!' he said mock-excitedly. I laughed a little, charmed by Seth's efforts to care for me. 'That's better' he said seeing the smile on my lips. 'I knew the tea would get you excited'.

I put my arms around his neck and leaned my face into his shoulder, embracing him fully. He responded in the same way and breathed deeply. We sat that way for a while, squeezing each other tightly.

Seth brought me my cup of tea as promised, after clearing away our food. I snuggled down into the comfort of the cushions and pulled the blanket over me. I was feeling extremely tired all of a sudden and was starting to go along with Seth's idea that I might be coming down with a cold or something. I didn't have any of the classic symptoms, though I didn't really enjoy the food that night. Probably because the milk made me queasy, I thought.

'Can I get you anything else ma'am?' Seth grinned looking down at me lying snuggled on the sofa. 'No thank you' I smiled. 'Ok, I have to make a few calls, so I'll leave you to it, call me if you want anything' Seth went off to the office which was on the ground floor of the house, next to his library and archive room. I could distantly hear his voice on the phone as I lay there. I didn't manage to select a film before starting to drift off to sleep to the murmuring voices of a chat show.

I woke up in the dark, the bright blue light of the TV, hurt my eyes. I could hear the storm outside at full pelt; rain was lashing down, hammering against the window. Chester was sitting by my feet in a ball. I rubbed my head as it thumped painfully. When I moved my feet, Chester woke and jumped off the sofa.

'Seth?' I called. I couldn't hear him talking then, but after a few moments he appeared, holding the phone.

'Yeah, yeah, listen man, I have to go now, I'll catch you, tomorrow. Yeah ok.'

He came over to the sofa and sat down on the edge next to where I was lying.

'How're you doing?' He asked softly as we held hands.

'My head is killing me' I moaned.

'You're starting to worry me baby.' He frowned; maybe I should get you some painkillers'. He touched my head again. 'Shit you're burning up' I was feeling so tired and woozy; I couldn't be bothered to reply. 'Ok I'm getting you something to make your fever go down', he said heading off upstairs. I drifted in and out whilst he was away and the next thing I saw when I opened my eyes was him standing over me, his face full of concern. 'Sarah?' he sounded nervous. 'Are you awake?' he knelt down on the floor beside me with his face close to mine. 'Let's get you up' he pulled back my blanket and I moaned at the change in temperature, followed by immediate shivering. 'You need to take this' he held out two white tablets in the palm of his hand and a glass of water in the other. I struggled onto my side so that I would be able to take the tablets but the room began to spin. I moaned, bringing my hand to my eyes. 'So dizzy' I murmured, 'It's ok, baby, just take this and lay down again' he soothed, watching me carefully. I placed the tablets on my tongue and swilled them back with a large gulp of water. Immediately I knew this was not good. They would not go down and left me feeling as though they were stuck in my throat. I swallowed more water. Seth was asking me if I was ok, I could hear him talking but in my current state, all I could do was concentrate on myself. I sat on the edge of the sofa for a minute or so with my head in my hands and Seth sat down beside me, his hand on my back, carefully rubbing it.

Suddenly I had to leap up, I felt a surge in my stomach and a wave of nausea. I swallowed repeatedly knowing I had to get to the bathroom quickly. I moaned and ran for the downstairs toilet, my hand covering my mouth, just making it in time to throw up several times. Oh God I thought, I can't believe this is happening. I really didn't want him to see me this way but I was too sick to do anything else. I reached for tissues to wipe my face and then flushed. Sitting down on the floor and burying my head in my hands again, feeling too weak and dizzy to get up and also slightly worried that I might throw up again so staying put seemed to be the best option.

Seth appeared sheepishly in the doorway. 'Shit, are you alright?' He sounded really sorry for me. 'He crouched down next to me. 'You want to get up or are you going to puke again?' he asked, holding out his hand. I looked up and rolled my eyes, 'I think it's all gone' I grimaced. 'Certainly sounded like it' he cringed sympathetically. 'Here, I brought that water, maybe you can test it out?' I took a small sip from the glass and it cooled my burning throat. I took a deep breath and my heart rate started to slow down again. 'Yes that's good' I sighed. Seth took a deep breath of relief too. I could tell he was really unnerved.

Seth guided me back to the sofa and I lay down so he could cover me up again. My head was still warm but the fever had gone down a lot. He sat at the end of the sofa with my feet in his lap and his hand resting protectively on my leg and I slept soundly.

When I woke the next day, my head was much better. It was bright outside and the storm was over. I was still on the sofa under the blanket. Seth was still holding my feet and had slept sitting up on the sofa. I stretched my legs out and he groaned and opened his eyes,

'Hey, you're awake.' 'Mm-hmm' I murmured back, still testing out how I was feeling. 'You stayed with me' I smiled weakly. 'Course I did' he replied. He sat forward and stretched his arms out, then rubbed his neck. I sat up and rubbed my face. We both looked a mess.

'I need a shower' he said. 'How's the head?' He looked over at me. 'Uh, better, hate to say it but I still feel sick.' 'Oh God, but you're not going to be sick are you?' he cringed. 'No, no, I'm ok. I don't think I'll be moving far today though.'

'Fair enough. D'you want to get set up in bed instead?'

I nodded and we dragged ourselves up the stairs to the bedroom.

I slumped face down onto the bed instantly, worn out from just that small amount of activity.

'Come on, you can't lay like that' he said coming over to me and offering me a hand to help me move.

'Uh, I feel so grotty' I groaned rolling onto my back. I have to shower. I'm ok, I'm just being lazy, I'll get up now.'

'You sure? You look awful'

I smiled weakly, not entirely convinced by my own statement. I took his outstretched hand and he pulled me up to stand. I swayed slightly and he caught me in his arms.

'I'm not sure you should be on your own today. I have to go into the studio. Maybe I should cancel it, you need to be looked after…' he said quietly.

'No, honestly Seth, I am ok. I'm just tired and probably got a bug or something. You can't stay away any longer.'

'Hmm' he sounded unhappy. I freed myself from him and went through into the bathroom, in an attempt to prove to him I was fine and functioning. He followed me in and sat on the edge of the bath as I brushed my teeth and then washed my face, he handed me the towel and I rubbed my face dry. 'See, brighter already' I said pulling a wide-eyed, fake cheesy grin.

'Uh-huh' Seth replied, unconvinced.

'I went back into the bedroom and sat in the bed whilst Seth showered and got ready for his day. While he was there the house phone rang. It was Matt.

'Hey Sweetie, how's it going?' His voice sung out when I answered,

'Hi Matt, a bit shit actually'

'OH how so, honey?' he asked, sounding concerned.

'I'm sick, I was actually puking last night and had a fever. I'm just in the process of trying to persuade Seth to go out and leave me here today. He has to go to the studio'

'Ooh that's not good, how're you feeling, did you eat something bad?'

'Maybe, we don't know. Probably just a bug'

'Sure it is. Now let Matty come and baby sit you and you're gonna be right as rain by the time your man comes home tonight, you can be certain of it.'

'Oh, no Matt, I'll be fine' I tried to put him off, hating to be made a fuss of but he wouldn't listen.

'Now let me come take care of you - it's what I do best. We can't have Sethy slacking off the day job or we'll all go hungry'

I laughed in response.

'Ok, I guess Seth will feel better if I am not alone… I went a bit dizzy before so I think he's convinced I'm going to pass out and fall over or something.'

'Say no more, I'll see you in an hour sweetie, I'll bring my nurses outfit!' he trilled and cut off.

Seth strode in from his shower wearing a towel and stood in the closest looking for clothes.

'Who was that?'

'Matt. He's insisted on coming to baby-sit me today' I smirked.

'He's bringing his nurses outfit'

'Jesus Christ, that man!' Seth laughed. 'I'm glad though, I can't stand leaving you like this.' He shook his head.

'I don't need to be looked after' I protested 'The idea of company is good though so I guess it's ok.'

'I'm gonna get my doctor to come over if you're not leaping about by tonight though' he said sternly.

'Oh Seth, no.' I moaned. 'I will be fine, it's all really embarrassing, I'm sure it's just a short-term thing.'

Seth didn't look at me and kept searching though the closet.

'I'd be happier if he came. You can't be too careful. Ignore it when you're sick and next thing you know it's something really bad and you can't turn the clock back.' He sounded rather too serious and I was surprised at his response.

'Baby, I've only got a bug' I reasoned.

'Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.' He replied coldly. I wasn't sure why he responded that way; he seemed really rattled by my being unwell. I could tell he wasn't interested in talking about it then, so I didn't push it.

I watched him as he pulled on jeans and a shirt without doing up the buttons and came back in to sit by me on the bed. I reached out and put my hands on his shoulders. He looked rather sad and thoughtful. I held his cheek in my hand tracing his lips slowly with my thumb until he kissed it.

'It's only because I care about you' he said sullenly. I sighed. 'I know you do but don't be silly. I'm ok' I said gently and began to button his shirt up for him. He sat compliantly until I had finished the buttons and straightened the collar.

'I'm still kind of hoping you'll be well enough to come into the studio with me this week'

'Ah.'

'You still want to don't you?' he asked looking up at me.

'Uh, yes. You know I'm not over the moon about it, it's bloody scary for me but I'll do it – for you.'

'Good' he smiled at last.

'As soon as you're better, we'll do it.'

'Oh God I hope so!' I joked raising an eyebrow to let him know what I really meant.

He tutted and shook his head at me with a wry smile.

'You can't be so sick if you're still thinking about that.'

I grinned at him cheekily. 'You know me' I shrugged 'It's making me feel better already!'

He leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

'You take it easy today, you hear? Make Matty your personal slave: he'll love that.' He grinned.

I didn't feel like eating so Seth made me a cup of weak tea and himself a coffee and he lay on the bed whilst I showered, waiting for Matt to arrive before he left me. It was a strangely sensitive reaction from Seth regarding my illness, but wonderful to be cared about so much. Through taking such care with me he showed some real vulnerability and demonstrated just how much I meant to him.

'Hey-hey kittens!' Matt yelled as he let himself in downstairs.

I had joined Seth lying on the bed when I finished in the bathroom and we exchanged pained expressions when we heard Matt's camp call.

'Matt we're upstairs' Seth yelled getting up and making his way to the bedroom door.

'Knock, knock!' Matt called as he met Seth at the bedroom door.

'Hey buddy, how're you doing?' Seth embraced him briefly.

'Radiant my darling. So - where's the invalid?' He asked looking past Seth and catching sight of me on the bed.

'Over here – though less of the 'invalid', Mr!' I called out.

'Matt you have to stop this woman doing anything today' Seth instructed sternly as he stepped aside to let Matt enter and greet me.

'Hey Sweet pea, you're looking better than I thought' he sighed standing at the foot of the bed.

'She is better than last night that is for sure' Seth assured him.

'Oh Lord, not pretty huh?' Matt asked looking at me.

'Nope, not at all glamorous' I grimaced.

'But Seth has been the perfect Florence Nightingale, taking care of me and even sitting by me all night on the sofa' I smiled at Seth.

'Aww you are SO sweet, Sethy' Matt teased. 'You've got a little gem here missy' he gestured in Seth's direction.

Seth rolled his eyes at us. 'I am going now, you two. I'm not going to be back until about eight – sorry honey – what a great day to be late' he said to me.

'I'm FINE. I've got Matt to keep me warm' I smiled.

'Sure has' Matt chirped.

'Ok you guys, call me if anything changes, you promise me?'

'Go, go, go!' Matt shooed Seth away.

'I love you' Seth murmured against my lips as he kissed me goodbye, then headed off. I smiled and let my eyes admire him from head to foot as I watched him leave. Thinking that I loved him too.

'Sooooo, things still good in paradise I see!' Matt perched on the side of the bed beside me. 'You guys have been SO quiet, what's been going on with you lately?' he smiled.

'Oh well er, you know not much really.'

'Like I know what THAT means' he raised his eyebrows.

I smiled, but then sighed.

'Tired sweetie?' his tone changed to being a little softer and he patted my hand.

I nodded and yawned.

'Want me to leave you to sleep?' he asked more seriously.

'No, stay for a bit. Watch TV with me?' I asked.

'Sure, I'll just get me a little coffee and I'll be back.' He tapped my hand and scooted off downstairs whilst I reached for the remote control.

As I leant over to the nightstand, I had a sudden head rush and another wave of nausea washed over me. 'Shit' I murmured feeling the burning in my throat and making a run for the bathroom, only just getting to the sink before throwing up. Even though barely anything came, I felt so completely nauseous so suddenly. I groaned and held my stomach, leaning over the sink because I was not sure if another wave might be on its way. I stood for what seemed like ages waiting over the sink, my stomach contracting but nothing coming. I started to feel cold and shaky so I retreated and sat on the edge of the bath for support.

'Hey where did you go?' Matt called out as he returned but then spied me through the doors of the closet.

'Oh Goodness are you alright?' he ushered in and sat beside me on the bath.

'Jesus, I leave for five seconds and you're all sick again' he rubbed my shoulder.

'You want to lie down again or do you have to throw up some more?' he asked, his camp sympathy was almost funny if I had not been feeling so dire.

'Yeah I think I have to give up trying at some point' I sighed 'Nothing's coming, I just feel so nauseous' I replied grimly.

'Poor thing, come on, let's put you to bed and get some crappy TV on.'

I settled in bed, propped up against the pillows and we sat through a few episodes of Jeopardy and some awful reality shows. I felt much better as the day went on.

'Matty' I said turning to him where he sat beside me, idly petting Chester.

'Yeah?'

'You won't tell Seth I was sick again will you?' I asked slyly.

'Um, why wouldn't you want me to tell him that?'

'Oh I just don't want him fussing about me'

'Seth cares about you honey, besides I'd feel bad for hiding stuff from him.'

'Oh please Matt, I just don't want him getting the doctor onto me.'

'Maybe he should? You seem to be sick'

'I'm not that sick, anyway Seth was kind of freaked out about it and this morning he was a bit strange saying I shouldn't ignore it and it might be serious, isn't that odd?' I asked looking over at Matt.

Matt sighed and turned to me.

'He didn't say anything else?'

'No. Should he have?'

'Oh' he paused, realising he was now going to need to explain.

'What?'

'Look, Sarah, I am probably speaking out of turn here but, it's because I think you need to know something'.

My heart started beating faster as I wondered what it was he was going to say.

Matt turned onto his side to face me.

'Seth is a little nervous about people getting sick because… well because his Mom was very sick last year.'

I frowned. Seth had only ever talked about his parents in a very ordinary way. He had never mentioned anything vaguely dramatic, always little anecdotes or happy memories. I got the feeling I would meet them at some point soon and had not really considered it much more than that.

'What kind of sick?' I asked tentatively.

'Uh, she had cancer' he said sadly.

'What?' I swallowed hard, feeling sick in a different way now.

'When? What kind of cancer?' I frowned trying to process what Matt was telling me, disbelieving that I had not found out about this before and suddenly wished Seth was there with me.

'She had breast cancer, but they found it in time and she had the lump removed and some chemo… she was pretty worn out for a while but she got through it and she's been fine for almost a year now.'

'Wow' I sat back against the pillows.

'It must've been bloody horrible for him' I said quietly. Thinking about how he must have felt made me want to cry, I could actually feel pain in my chest for him. I couldn't stand the thought of him being so worried about his mother. I couldn't believe he hadn't said anything about it before either.

'Sweetie, it was hard for him, but he's a really private person. He keeps that kind of stuff very close to his chest. He sees it as a really dark time he just wants to put behind him. Don't read into it. I just thought you should understand why he worries about you so much… Proves that he loves you.' He said finally with a cheerier note to his voice again.

I sat thoughtfully for a long time, the TV droned on in the background and Matt glanced at me a couple of times, I presumed he was checking if I was ok, until I pretended to have gone to sleep so he would stop it.

I heard him switch off the TV and carefully leave the room after a while. Chester jumped off the bed with a thud and trotted off after him.

Feeling rather numb after sitting down so long that day, I thought about getting up. I wanted to move around a bit as I had not felt sick for a while and was starting to feel confident that the sickness might have passed. I began to think about food again and stretched before turning over to lie on my front. I cringed as I did so, feeling quite sore as my weight rested on my chest. I did not really think about that until much later but at the time it didn't seem important.

I pulled on jeans and socks and a hooded top and headed down to the living room. Matt was in the kitchen preparing some food and beamed as I entered the room.

'Well Hi there, missy - you're looking better!'

I sauntered over to the bar area and sat opposite him whilst he cooked.

'Glad you think so, I was starting to feel a bit fed up of being told I look awful' I laughed.

'Oh now, you're always pretty sweetie, but you were just looking a little green around the gills!' he smiled, and continued with his chopping.

'Is there enough there for me?' I gestured toward the food he was preparing.

'Oh sure there is - if you want some…? I'm just making this in case you guys wanted some food when I've gone, seeing as his Lordship is going to be late and I wasn't so sure you'd be ready to face it'

'Thanks Matt, you're being so kind.' I smiled.

'It is my pleasure honey. Really.'

I swung my legs happily as I sat watching him. I was feeling a lot better: stronger and my head was clearer. Finding out about Seth's mother had been a shock and I was not sure how to play it with him. I had resolved to approach it with him soon, but I first wanted him to know I was better so that he would stop panicking about me.

I picked up my phone from the counter top noticing I had a text waiting.

'New message from SM'

I smiled.

'Hey baby, How are you feeling now? Just about to record something, call you soon XXX'

I grinned and Matt glanced up noticing my face.

I replied to the text:

'I am loads better, sitting in the kitchen with Matt: we are making your dinner! Missing you, see you later XXX'

'Look at that face!' Matt teased – 'Somehow, I can tell you're not just texting your Aunt Margaret' he grinned.

'My Aunt Margaret wouldn't know how to use a mobile phone Matt' I replied giving him a smirk.

'Oh you two!' He mused, ignoring my response 'You're like a pair of little love birds, I have never seen anything like it'

'You've never seen Seth like this before?' I asked, wanting to push him for a bit of information.

'Are you crazy? This man is in love. No ma'am I have not seen him like this before! You're so funny, the way you don't believe it, why wouldn't he love you sweetie, you are perfect for him – just what he needed.'

'How do you mean?'

'Oh Seth's been drifting for a while now, he's never met the right person, I don't think he knew how. I know this man, remember: he's really just an ordinary guy in some crazy big wide world and sometimes he feels a little lost…. Yeah, he's classy and wise and knows how to play the game but it's not how he would live if he could do things another way… he does it because of his work. All because he loves his work!'

'He did say he's feeling rather tired of it all when we met… but he didn't really say what he wanted instead…'

'Oh, Seth's a good old-fashioned boy at heart. His loves his family and being with a few close friends. He's looking for happiness sweetie, he wants the domestic dream not a bunch of bimbos with dollar signs for eyes'

Matt beamed, like a proud uncle as he talked about Seth.

'Seth wants me to go into the studio with him this week'. I said suddenly, surprising myself that I had raised this with Matt.

'He wants you to see where he works huh?'

'Well, yes, but he wants me to uh, sing for someone there….' I said tentatively, watching Matt's face as I said it.

'You're a singer? He didn't mention that'

'No, I er… well I'm not a singer as such….' I said slowly. 'I kind of sang him a song one night and he went crazy for it'

'Wow really… you must be good sweetie, Sethy knows a singer when he hears one' He chirped excitedly.

'Oh I don't know, I think he's just biased, but he swears he's not'

'Well I'd say he doesn't fool around with that stuff'

'That's what he said…. I'm just not really sure Matt… it makes me so nervous just thinking about it. I never really let anyone hear me when I practiced piano or sang… it was my secret'

'You play the piano too…?'

'Yeah, don't tell Seth. I could never be as good as him, I don't want him to know' I winked at Matt but he just raised an eyebrow at me.

'Well, well, you are full of surprises Missy' Matt replied as he threw some vegetables into a pot on the stove.

'I tell you, you have fascinated me about this now and I am thinking that you just have to show me what you can do… c'mon, let Matty be the judge.' He poked my arm playfully.

'Oh no. I can't Matt, I hate it, I'm so embarrassed. I only showed Seth on a whim because I wanted to impress him a little bit, I didn't think it would be any more than a little party trick.' I sighed.

'Well sweetie, you have opened up that can of worms now and there is no going back for you! Now, sing to Matty!' He commanded, waving me away.

I couldn't help but smile. Matt did have the ability to inspire confidence with his camp charm. Funnily enough, I felt like it would be easier to show Matt than it had been to show Seth. Before I'd thought too much about it, I had jumped down from the bar and made my way over to the piano on the other side of the room.

'Yay!' Matt giggled, clapping his hands, 'Come on, play!'

I smiled shyly as I settled at the keys, I had to play from memory as my sight-reading was so rusty but I had a song in mind.

I began to play. I was a bit rusty but not shameful and I managed to sing fairly well too. Matt stood watching me from across the counter, hands on hips, not moving at all until I finished.

'Oh God!' Matt cried out after I finished, 'My God! He's right. That was amazing lady.' He said coming over to me and sitting down. He gave me a little squeeze. I smiled.

'Thank you'.

'Geez, I can see why he wants to get you into the studio'.

He did seem genuinely impressed.

'Got any more?'

'Uh, maybe'

Just then I heard the front door. Seth strode in carrying a bunch of papers and his phone and keys, which he dumped onto the kitchen counter and came over to us.

'Hey guys' he beamed at us.

We were still sitting at the piano, side by side at the keys.

'Wench where's my dinner?' he poked Matt in the shoulder.

He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. 'Hey gorgeous' he said more softly.

'So what are you up to – how come you're sitting here? God you look a lot better' he said turning to me again.

He was buzzing still, I guessed he had come straight out of recording, because he was always energised after periods of singing, his voice would be quite strong, almost booming.

'Dark-horse Sarah is just showing me how talented she is' Matt chirped.

'Oh God' I put my hand over my eyes and looked down.

'Really?' Seth sounded pretty shocked.

'Yeah, she is fantastic buddy, what are your plans? I hear you're taking her to Capitol this week'

'Well uh, yeah I plan to… ' His voice trailed off as he looked at me with surprise at I sat at the piano, almost ignoring Matt.

'Are you hungry?' I said hurriedly, changing the subject, Matt's made us dinner, I might even join you'.

Seth seemed to be taking in a few things because he paused before speaking again. He appeared to force a new response in himself when he did as his next sentence was back to being bright a cheery.

'Oh sure, yeah. What do we have?' and left us to head over to the kitchen and look in the pots. It was a strange exchange and Matt and I both noticed it, glancing briefly at each other in recognition. Matt seemed to realise that he should probably leave us and made his excuses.

'Look if you two sweethearts don't need anything else, I'm going to get out of your hair…' He turned to me. 'Darling it has been a pleasure to spend time with you today and you are looking so much better'

'Thanks Matt.' I smiled and tapped him on the knee. 'You're a good friend' I said quietly.

'Ah bless you sweetie'.

Seth, walked him to the door and they discussed a few practicalities about the house. Just as Matt left I heard a few murmured words between them, which I couldn't make out before the door closed.

I got up from the piano and by the time Seth came back in I was over in the kitchen area getting some plates.

'So you're feeling better?' he asked smiling at me.

'Much better thanks' I put out two plates and two sets of cutlery on the counter top.

'You sang for Matt?' He said surprised.

'Yes… I'm getting braver' I said, not sure if he was pleased or slightly disappointed because my singing was no longer our secret.

'I'm impressed… did he play for you? He was sitting at the piano with you…'

'No… I er… actually I played….'

He stared at me incredulously for a second before turning it into a laugh. 'You _are_ kidding me?! You _played_ too? You know what, I thought something was going on you hadn't told me about. I saw you sitting there and I guessed.'

I looked at him with pursed lips and folded arms.

'Mm-hmm, but I'm nowhere near as good as you so I am not doing it for you ok?!'

He laughed again, sort of triumphantly.

'Oh we'll see… not yet anyway. You are indeed a dark horse Miss !'

He came over to me and put his arms around me.

'What did you do today?' he asked looking down at me, studying my face as if he had never seen it before.

'Not a great deal, we watched crappy TV and talked. Then I fell asleep and Matt made some food.'

He gazed at me for a second, and then kissed me on my forehead.

'Matt told me you were sick again' he said quietly.

I tutted and sighed, turning away from him to walk off but he caught my hand and brought me back to hold me again.

'I was, but it was just a blip' I said sulkily. 'I asked him not to say anything because it's nothing' I said quietly into his chest.

Seth sighed and held me there for a while and I listened as our breathing slowly synchronised, our tummies rising in and out with our breaths and meeting in unison.

'Matt told me about your mum' I whispered, not looking at his face.

I felt him sigh and seem to physically shrink in my arms.

'How come you have never told me about that before?' I continued, lifting my head from his chest but leaving my chin pressed against him.

Seth shook his head. I could tell he was searching for words.

'I just want to forget about it' he said finally, quietly.

'It was the worst time of my life… I can't even begin to describe it to you…' He swallowed hard. 'I guess I just thought it was too depressing to talk about, plus it's over now… really - I just want to forget it'. His face was so desolate and his voice cracked as he finished his sentence.

'I'm sorry you had to go through it' I said, feeling emotion welling up inside.

I touched his face.

'You can tell me anything though you know?' I said, holding his chin in my hand 'I want all of you, not just the best bits'. We made eye contact. 'You know that don't you?' I paused waiting for some response. Seth's lips twitched ever so slightly towards an appreciative smile. 'I'm here to take care of you as well as the other way around.' I said calmly. He looked into my eyes for a few seconds more and then closed them bowing his head onto my shoulder, I stroked the soft hair at the back of his neck with my fingertips and he took some long deep breaths and seemed to relax.

As more often than not, long embraces between us created a sexual tension. I had noticed before that he seemed to need to be close physically when he had felt strong emotions like anger or sadness. I was not surprised when after a while his hands slowly drifted down onto my waist and then my bottom. He didn't look up from my shoulder but I felt him begin to push his hips against mine, and his lips grazed against my cheek, his breathing increasing slightly. I felt that familiar tingle begin deep inside me and start to spread throughout my body.

It had been a few days since anything like this had happened between us and the tension rose fairly quickly as a result. He squeezed my buttocks in his hands and pulled my hips closer, moaning gently as he felt the pressure of my body against his erection.

'Suddenly you're not hungry' I murmured as he looked up, bringing our faces close. 'Oh I'm hungry alright' he murmured back gruffly with a smile before our lips crashed together, immediately turning it into a passionate and breathless embrace and I was drawn in completely. My emotions soared as we kissed, a surge of excitement and lust filled my chest as he made me want him all over again. If it were possible to emotionally climax, I'm sure I felt it then and there.

'Sorry about dinner, but right now all I want is you' he said completely serious, his voice low and sexy. I groaned at the sound of his words. We swiftly made our way upstairs, in no mood for waiting now this feeling had awakened in us. Seth simply needed to be close to me and I wanted to comfort him so much, also by that point, I was almost desperate to feel him inside me too. It was an emotional need as well as the sexual desire for us and it was definitely a relief to me when I felt him slide inside me with a soft groan. He lay over me, looking down, his face slightly sweaty, his breathing uneven.

'God I need you so much' he murmured lustfully, gazing into my face, his eyes full of passion. We kissed again, not moving our bodies, but I was so close to orgasm, just from wanting this so much, that when he finally did move, it took only a couple of his thrusts before I felt myself coming, moaning out and as I did so I closed my eyes and watched patterns moving against my eyelids. He continued to kiss my face and hold on to me tightly as he watched me, allowing him self to lose control soon afterwards.

Only with this man did I want to make love over and over and never stop, no matter how long we continued, or how often we did, it was never ever enough and despite my exhaustion from being ill, I still wanted him more than ever. There was a depth and profundity to our sex now. It was mentally as well as physically compelling. I felt as though we grew closer each time it happened, but yet we could never be close enough even though sex was the closest we could get. The lust from day one was a strong as ever, but the pull of our growing emotional connection made it more powerful mentally than I could have imagined possible. Nothing else mattered when we were together.

Once we were lying on our sides, face-to-face in the aftermath, Seth was much calmer and lay sleepily next to me. I kissed him softly. His eyes were closed and his only response was to move his lips to kiss back.

'Seth?'

'Yeah' His eyes remained closed.

'I kind of miss Anna…Do you mind if I meet up with her tomorrow…'

He opened his eyes.

'Do I _mind_?' He repeated in a surprised but quiet tone.

I nodded.

'No…. And you don't have to ask me!'

I felt a little silly then, because it had sounded like I was asking permission.

'I, I know, I just thought you wanted to get me into the studio as soon as you could… I didn't want to disappoint you.'

Seth lifted his head resting it on his hand, then reached for a strand of my hair and tucked it back from my face behind my ear.

'You couldn't, even if you tried…' He said gently. 'Sarah, you surpass my expectations, you surprise me everyday… I love you for Christ's sake! Yeah I do want to get you in the studio because you're amazing… but if you want to go out, you can…' He looked at me for a while.

'What I want is for you to live happily… You're not my guest or my property… this is your home. Just be how you want to be… but with me. Here.

You can tell me to get lost about the singing if you want… I'd still love you just the same…. but I would forever wonder what could've been' He smiled.

I looked at him now, studying his features carefully. I still became spellbound by Seth when he looked at me, still felt butterflies inside me when I looked at his face, but lately, knowing that he was mine and he loved me completely made me feel a whole new set of emotions, feelings which strengthened me emotionally, but at the same time consumed me and rendered me virtually unable to move or break my thoughts away from him.

'Come here' he reached for my face and held it in his hands before bringing his lips to press against mine. I breathed him in, the familiar warmth and the scent and taste of him; my heart ached because I loved him so much.

'I can't believe I found you' I said softly when we parted.

He smiled. 'I've been thinking that since the day I met you.'


	6. Chapter 6

'Oh my God, it is SO good to see you' Anna flung her arms around me as we met on the street in Beverly Hills. It had been a couple of weeks since we had seen each other and I realised how much I had missed spending time with her.

I smiled broadly.

'I love your dress' I said touching the material of the silk emerald shift dress, the colour of which made Anna's red hair look amazing.

'Thanks – you are looking great – I mean you look really healthy, look at those rosy cheeks!' She laughed pinching my face

'Really?! I have felt so crap lately too'.

'Yeah you said you were ill – what was wrong – hey don't give it to me!' she said hurriedly moving a step away from me. 'Oh just a bug I guess…' I shrugged, pulling a face.

'Let's go in here, I love this shop' She gestured towards the door of a boutique we were standing next to, just one of the many along the tree-lined avenue. There were also several bars, coffee shops and restaurants dotted around, many with outdoor seating areas and huge canvas umbrellas shading the customers from the midday sun.

We entered the shop and immediately began roaming around picking up items, holding them up and giving each other nods of approval or a grimace for the less impressive items. As we moved around we selected a few things to try.

'Bloody American sizing' I exclaimed, turning to Anna. 'I can never work it out – what is it? Two sizes up or one?' I held two tops in the same design but different sizes in my hands.

'Oh it's two down isn't it – what are you 10?' She glanced at the tags' So you need a 6.'

'Oh goodie, I laughed, I like it here!' we giggled.

'Hey lets try on – you have to show me though' I said sternly as we made our way over to the changing rooms where what Anna would call a grasshopper took our items and showed us into our cubicles next door to each other.

'Ok you guys, I'm Candy, please call me if you need anything ok?' The grasshopper said before tossing her mane of blonde hair extensions and teetering off back to the shop on massive wedge heels, her tiny skirt barely covering her backside.

Anna raised an eyebrow at me and muttered 'classy' under her breath, before whipping the curtain across in front of her face to change.

I laughed and did the same.

Anna was chattering away about her latest date, but I was more bothered by the fact that I couldn't do up the top I was trying on. I looked in the mirror and twisted my face at the reflection as I tugged at the material, which was straining against my breasts, causing the buttons to gape.

'Sarah?' Anna called from next door.

'Are you ready, cause I'm coming in ready or not' Seconds later she flung back the curtain and came into my cubicle revealing me wearing the straining top.

'Woo – that's revealing!' she laughed.

She looked stunning in her outfit; her slim, tall frame perfectly complimented by the monochrome printed maxi dress she had chosen.

'That looks great' I smiled weakly. 'Which is more than I can say for this!' I pointed at my breasts.

'Hey lets get Candy onto it' she grinned at me before, poking her head out of the curtain.

'Oh Candy!' she called shrilly. 'Can we get some help here'

Candy sulkily returned shortly after with the next size up, which amazingly was still a little close fitting. I sighed and decided to leave it. Anna shrugged bemused.

'Well lady, you're not normally a porker – hey you haven't gone and had work done on the sly have you… Seth a 'boob' man is he?'

'No!' I yelled slapping her on the arm, feeling embarrassed.

'Only kidding, hon, sorry' she said putting an arm around me.

'I thought I'd actually have lost weight after the last few days' I exclaimed, 'I could hardly keep anything down, I thought at least I'd get the benefit of being lighter after all that puking!' I laughed.

Anna smiled, but eyed me carefully.

'Hm' She responded ominously, seeming to have made a mental note to herself, but didn't expand on it.

'Hey lets get a coffee' she suggested lightly.

We sat down at a table by the open doors of the nearest coffee shop, settling ourselves comfortably into our chairs amongst the other customers.

After we had ordered, Anna turned to me with a wry smile on her lips.

'SO' she began, I somehow knew she had something on her mind, I could always tell because she would have this little smirk on her face and she would lean in as if confiding in me.

'Yes… ' I said slowly.

'How have you two been?' She asked slowly, clearly not just exchanging niceties – this was definitely a lead in to something if I knew Anna.

'Good.' I said suspiciously, not biting, just waiting to see where she was going with this line of inquisition.

'Yeah. I can tell. How are _you_ though?' She asked, putting emphasis on the 'You'

'Erm… great' I said cheerily 'Bloody brilliant in fact…Living a fairytale - but you know that…. Things are, fantastic, I love being with Seth, he's really happy…. Life's good… you know.' I trailed off, knowing I'd not given her what she was after. I continued as an afterthought.

'I guess the only bad thing was being ill recently, God Anna, it was a bit grim! Thank God I am good at making it to the bathroom, I know he loves me but I don't want him to deal with anything that gross!' She nodded sagely in response but wasn't smiling.

'Yeah, you see, that's what I'm thinking… so how long it is now that you've been together' She said studying me carefully.

'Huh?' I said not really working out what she meant from that. 'About 2 months or so, I guess why?'

'You see, it doesn't take genius to work this out now… I can't believe this hasn't occurred to you Sarah and I'm kind of mad with you'

'Eh? What are you going on about? You've lost me…' I frowned.

'You've been off your food- right?'

'Yes.'

'You've been puking up for no reason – right?'

I nodded.

'Your boobs are bigger all of a sudden – yes – sore too I bet...?'

I shook my head at her, genuinely not following what she was saying until she said:

'…and you've had a LOT of sex lately, from what I can tell, not really being that careful either…'

I stared at her, my mind suddenly clicked as I thought about the things she had said.

'Oh.' I replied followed by a sudden rush of defence, which I was guilty of when I did not want to admit to myself that something was so blindingly obvious, I felt embarrassed it had taken someone else to suggest it to me.

'No, don't be stupid Anna; I have a hormone implant. You think I'm pregnant don't you?'

'Bingo' was all she said in response.

My heart raced as I thought back to the things she had mentioned. Desperately trying to remember the dates of my cycle, which I was hopeless of taking note of anyway.

We were quiet whilst our drinks we're delivered to us, exactly at the wrong moment. Our server noticed our silent stares at each other and shrugged slightly, realising no one was going to communicate so left without a word.

I swallowed as I realised I had not had a period the entire time I had been in LA – now approaching two and a half months. I became aware of my pulse thumping in my head. I suddenly felt swamped by all the noise and voices around us and as a sinking sensation fell heavily on me, the din of traffic and chatter and an emergency vehicle siren wailing past was deafening.

'Fuck.' I said, breaking our silence. It was all I could say. Anna stared at me motionless understanding she'd struck a chord with me, before breaking into practical mode.

'Right well, before we start crapping ourselves we need to be sure what we're looking at here. It's just a theory at the moment… but I can see it's a possibility just from your face.'

I nodded slowly.

'Sarah I actually want to throttle you! What the hell were you thinking? What the hell was he thinking,? God I thought you two were people of the world, isn't this the sort of thing that happens to fifteen year olds?' she stopped and immediately seemed to regret what she had said.

'Shit, Sarah, I didn't mean to be an arse about it… it's just a total shock!'

I was dumbstruck. I couldn't believe it either; firstly that I had not been at all careful despite not knowing Seth and second that it had not occurred to me that I might have become pregnant when the signs started to appear.

'I just need to find out if I am.' I said suddenly, but unable to say the actual word 'pregnant'.

'We'll get you a test' She rummaged in her bag before flinging a bunch of crumpled dollar notes onto the table amongst our untouched order. She grabbed me by the arm and marched off in the direction of the drugstore.

'Are you going to take this home or do it now?' She hissed, passing me the paper bag containing the test kit as I loitered outside, feeling like a naughty teenager.

'I have to find out. I can't face Seth until I know, I might not be and then I'd feel like a fool for mentioning it.'

'You don't think he ought to be involved in this? Anna reasoned 'After all this is half his responsibility.'

'I can't, not yet, just let me find out first. I don't even know how to tell him.'

'Fine but I think you're letting him off. He should be a part of this.'

I ignored her.

'We need to find a restroom'

The two-minute wait for a result went way quicker than I needed it to. I thought these things were meant to feel like a lifetime when you were waiting for the feint blue lines to appear on the stick, I'm sure I must have waited more like five before I felt prepared to open my eyes and look down at the little window and confirm whether Anna's theory was correct.

'Are you ok in there?' Anna called tentatively through the door of the cubicle where I sat holding the white test stick in front of me.

I opened my eyes when she spoke and immediately, two clear blue lines filled my eyes. Instinctively, I threw it into the paper bag on the floor where I had hurriedly unpackaged it just a few minutes before. Almost as though by throwing it away, the result would be any less of a fact because I didn't have to look at it.

'It has to have worked by now, come on open up' Anna called, tapping on the door.

I stood up and prepared to acknowledge it verbally for the first time. I slid the lock back firmly and allowed the door to fall open at its own speed.

'It's positive – 99% accurate' I said simply. Neutral voiced and unsure of how I was supposed to break that sort of news, especially when I didn't even know myself how I felt.

'Oh my -…' Anna replied. She looked at my face after a short pause. Then touched my arm.

'So – how are you feeling about this?' she asked tentatively after a deafening silence.

My thoughts had turned to Seth. It dawned on me yet again that I had little experience of him in a deeper sense. Having a connection and being in love with each other was one thing and seemed to be the only important thing... until now. I realised I truly could not predict how Seth would respond to this. He could run a mile or he could be undecided and awkward on finding out. I dreaded the thought of either because in those few early minutes since discovering I was carrying our child, I already knew I so very desperately wanted him to be overjoyed about our 'accident'.

I shook my head in response to Anna.

'I'm pretty shocked'. I shrugged. 'I know I leave things to fate but this is not something I would have included in that'.

She smiled weakly in response.

'I don't really know what to do now… what does anybody do when this happens?' I asked her. I felt calm because the full extent of what this meant had not really sunk in.

'Sarah, I think you have to talk to Seth…. Besides the fact that you shouldn't have to deal with this on own, he has a right to know.'

'I guess he does…' I sighed, but couldn't help feeling it was still different for him. This was my body, my physical experience and any decision made from now on, for him were simply words and ideas, but for me it was physical and something I had to do, not just talk about. I couldn't help but feel it meant I owned the situation and at this point, before he had any inclination of what had happened, I was alone in this.

We left the restrooms and found ourselves aimlessly sauntering along the street, whilst I remained deep in thought, Anna walked awkwardly beside me, glancing sideways, I could see she was trying to work out if I was closer to laughing than crying. It was neither.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I had to go to find Seth and tell him. He asked that I was honest with him and I was going to have to do it. I certainly didn't feel it worth hiding for any length of time.

'I have to go to tell him - right now' I said stopping in my tracks. I knew he had gone to the studio today and we were a short distance away.

'Do you think it's a good idea?' Anna replied, slightly surprised.

'He's working and there will be loads of people about, don't you want to do this in private later on?'

I shook my head and already had my hand in the air hailing a cab.

'Capitol records, please' I told the driver.

'Yes ma'am'

I gazed out of the window as we drove along Rodeo and turned into, Santa Monica Boulevard. I still felt like a tourist; this was not my town, I noticed so much still as we passed along the streets. Still read all the signs and the shop names, whilst seeing buildings and sights and street signs , which were symbolic, even cinematic to the unfamiliar rather than normal town places.

I flicked through the menus of my phone and selected 'SM'.

I was relieved when he answered after a couple of rings, but my heart still raced and I started to feel my hands becoming clammy as nerves swept through me.

'Hey you, how the shopping going?' He sounded surprised to hear from me but as ever, cheery and pleased it was me on the line.

'Oh, uh fine' I said 'I'm on my way to see you' I said immediately without any note of surprise in my tone.

'You are?' he sounded confused.

'Yes, is that going to be ok?'

'Uh, well yeah…' he was definitely rattled but trying not to sound unkeen.

'Ok I'm on Santa Monica at the moment in a cab, what do I do to get to you? Will they let me in?

Uh, alright…' he sounded intrigued. Then added.

'I'll come down, Sam's out getting lunch right now. Go to the lobby out front, I'll come and let you in myself'

Sam was his PA, a somewhat grungy-looking musical graduate with a surprising love of the big band era. He and Seth were totally compatible in their taste but Sam did look rather like an overgrown skate-boarder kid and Seth often turned up for a concert to find Sam waiting to greet him at the top of the red carpet in Chuck Taylors and jeans rather than the dress-code. Seth secretly admired Sam for his refusal to conform and said his appearance was a small price to pay for working with someone who was completely reliable and essentially a friend.

As the cab rolled up outside the front doors of Capitol records, I paid the driver and stepped out, looking up briefly as the famous musical landmark loomed above my head.

'Sarah!' I heard a shout from the doorway. It was Seth beckoning me to come to the doors. He seemed a little on edge and did not step outside, I knew he didn't normally use the front doors as photographers often hung around outside hoping to get a shot of someone interesting entering the building. I quickly joined him and he guided me in putting an arm around my back, looking past me into the street as I walked into the lobby.

'Sorry baby, there's often paparazzi hanging about out there. They're back onto me again apparently… wish they'd just fuck the hell off.' He looked a little grim faced. I didn't know until you were on your way – they saw me in the lobby and shouted to me but they disappeared.

I allowed him to guide me towards the elevators, where he selected the floor button.

'Lets go up to the office'

Once in the confines of the lift, he drew me towards him and kissed me.

'Sorry, I didn't want to do that out there, it's just better that I don't fuel their fire or we will never get any peace… I didn't see anyone though so I'm sure it's ok' I nodded.

I seemed to have been rendered speechless by what was happening. The flurry of activity and Seth's nervous energy was taking over from the real cause of my visit and I was starting to feel like this was totally the wrong environment in which to talk to him. Anna was right, but in my present state of mind I wasn't really thinking things through. I just needed Seth to know about the baby and see his face. I knew if I could just see his reaction, I would know what to do next.

As the lift doors drew back and we entered the office area, Seth indicated a door and pushed it open ahead of me. There was a large mahogany coloured desk with leather chair and a sofa along one wall, as with all the hallways and walls there were awards and certificates and Gold and platinum discs displayed in shiny frames. I was just taking it in when, we heard a voice from the hallway.

'Seth' A young guy in his 20s, wearing baggy jeans and a shirt stuck his head around the doorway. 'Oh excuse me' he said immediately he saw me.

'Hey Sam, this is Sarah' Seth stepped aside so that Sam could enter the room where he politely shook my hand. 'Sarah, it's a pleasure to meet you' he smiled. 'Seth could I have a word with you?' He glanced to make eye contact with Seth, to which Seth replied 'Sure, you can talk in front of Sarah'.

'Ok sure', he replied. 'I just wanted you to know I saw a paparazzi when I was coming back and I think he got you.' Seth groaned and glanced at me. 'Sorry Man, I couldn't do anything, I just saw him on the other side of the street and he was gone before I could get near.' Sam continued. 'Shit' Seth sighed. 'Where did he come from, I looked around…I didn't see anyone' Seth put his hand to his head. 'I think he was following the cab, Seth, that's what I'm saying… he came from a car behind it' 'Fuck!' Seth spat out, through gritted teeth. 'They've sussed us. How the hell did they know who they were following?'

'What's going on?' I said feeling rather bewildered.

They both ignored me for a second, then Sam turned to us.

'Guys, I'm sorry I dropped the ball – I took so long because that bagel shop had a line round the block, I didn't know you were coming downstairs Seth…' He trailed off.

'Ah don't worry about it buddy, Sarah's visit wasn't planned, you weren't to know, can you just get us some coffee please' Seth patted his shoulder and Sam returned a weak smile.

'Sure Seth, no problem.'

Sam left closing the door behind him. Then Seth turned back to me.

'Things just got a little bit more complicated' he grimaced, holding out his hand to me. I took it and he sat down on the sofa, gesturing for me to sit down too. I couldn't help but notice the irony in what he said.

He held my hand in both his for a second or so, rubbing my fingers with his thumb.

'I don't really understand…' I started, 'I mean I know he's saying someone got a photo of us but… he was following me?' I asked, looking at him for confirmation.

'Looking like it baby' he said, sounding quite apologetic.

'Why though? How did they know who I was? I didn't see anyone follow me.'

'Where were you?' He asked, quietly, still holding my hand.

My heart pumped a little harder, as I started thinking about the drugstore and the public restroom visit.

'Only in Beverly Hills, just shopping.'

He shrugged.

'I don't know then….' He sighed, letting go of my hand. 'Nothing we can do about it anyway except wait and see where that picture turns up.

I nodded, not knowing if I was to blame for this or if I should feel bad. Seth didn't seem angry with me, more resigned to what had happened. It was clear it was familiar situation to him and he sounded weary of it.

'I'm sorry, I knew this would happen eventually, I just didn't think it would be yet… I need to make sure you're safe, they can be quite pushy and I know you're not prepared for any of it.'

I looked back at him and took a deep breath, feeling it was completely the wrong time for the news I had come to deliver.

'So anyway, what are you doing here?' He asked, with renewed energy.

'I thought you wanted to shop with Anna today.'

I scanned Seth's clueless face, sweet and kind as he always was to me and tried to find a way to tell him. I attempted to focus my mind on the fact that I was looking at the man whose child I had inside me but the concept was totally alien and the connection did not fire me emotionally, it was too soon.

'I did want to shop but…. but then…. I just thought, maybe it would be good to come to the studio.'

I lied. Changing my plans at the last moment. I just couldn't put it into words so I grabbed at the best distraction.

'You mean you came down here because you want to sing?' he sounded extremely surprised.

'Er… yes.' I replied trying to sound as keen as possible. He sat back and looked at me from arms length.

'Every day woman - you surprise me with something – you know that?' He mused, giving me a playful smile. I could tell he was pleased with the idea that I wanted to get into the studio but I felt awful. I knew it was a lie about why I was there; it was the first lie to him, and I felt wretched about it.

'You know, I might have to talk to a few people to make this happen' he started: sounding rather excited. 'Maybe we can get a voice booth, but I would prefer a studio because I want to play for you because that's how you know it best. I want you to be comfortable.' He rested his hand on my leg. 'I want this to be good for you… not like taking medicine' I smiled at his sweetness and the excited way he was talking. It was infectious and it was what I needed right then to help me forget about my secret. Under normal circumstances, I probably would have been excited too, but the burden of what I had recently discovered was understandably weighing on me heavily.

'Why don't I take you down to meet Ron anyway, give you a tour and we can see what's going on in the studios today – maybe we can sneak in there for a while.' He was looking at me happily now, in a similar way to when he introduced me to his friends: with a proud, excited look on his face. I couldn't help but find it appealing and reached out to touch his cheek fondly. I also felt mildly sorry for him because he trusted me and loved me so blindly and at that point I was misleading him… or at the very least hiding something rather significant from him.

Sam arrived with our coffee and we decided to carry them with us. Seth led me though the building, which was massive and confusing in its layout, after several sets of doors and a lift ride we arrived in a small lobby It was very dimly lit and there seemed to be large heavy doors at every angle, each leading off into another small room – most of them voice recording booths. The door to the control room had a porthole window and a large 'Recording' sign, which would be illuminated when the studio was busy. Looking through the little window I could see through to a long narrow control room with audio control desks and what looked like hundreds of buttons, levers and LED lights all over them. There was a row of large LCD screens and leather chairs, all facing a window, which bordered the full length of the room onto a huge recording studio.

We instinctively dropped our voices to a whisper and Seth peeped in through the window of the control room, looking for Ron. After a second he smiled and turned to me – 'Come on he's in there, we can go in'

I followed Seth through the two doors sealing the room from any outside noise and they closed behind us with a suction-like sound.

'Seth, I didn't know you were here today' came the voice of a man sitting at the control desk in front of the huge screens. He spun around in his chair but didn't get up. He was a late middle aged, plump looking man, light coloured hair, which had receded a little around the front, but was mainly still intact and a little over grown. He was dressed in all black clothing but I noticed he wore a Rolex watch to accompany his humble jeans and polo shirt and he had a well-established Californian tan and shiny-white teeth. He smiled broadly and glanced us both up and down, in the way older or successful people can do and you don't feel as though they are checking you out, more that they are sizing you up to work out what you are made of.

'Ron, this is Sarah'

'Ah, Sarah! Seth told me I need to meet you!' He smiled warmly as he got up and met me half way as I crossed the room to shake his hand. I matched his warm greeting, he had booming deep voice and an infectious pleasant nature about him, similar to Seth's but, with less youthful energy behind him, more mellow. Seth watched the pair of us fondly.

'It's good to meet you' I replied, 'Seth told me I have to meet you too'. Ron laughed heartily at this. 'So this is a surprise Sarah, Seth didn't say you were coming today, but that's fine.' He smiled.

'Do you think you've got time to cast your expert opinion for us?' Seth chipped in, half teasing – I could tell they were well established in their acquaintance. Their communication was relaxed and jokey, with Ron taking the fatherly role, they spoke in short hand to each other without even noticing.

'Sure I have, if fact, I have time to talk about this now if you want?'

'Well, um, ok' I stammered, starting to panic as I remembered all of this was about my singing and me. The secret I carried with me was slipping to the back of my mind swiftly, and honestly, I was rather grateful of the chance to put it away and procrastinate on that bit of news. Typically, I would rather do this than face up to reality until I absolutely had no choice.

Seth smiled, kindly at me and put an arm around my shoulder.

'Are you feeling ok about this?'

'There is absolutely no need to feel nervous Sarah' Ron added as I nodded, but still felt like a lamb to the slaughter.

'I thought it might help if I was playing for her because that's what we have done so far' Seth offered looking to Ron for his opinion.

'If that's how you want it, Sarah, you haven't done any auditions have you? I'm just trying to gauge how we can do this without making it seem daunting as I don't believe it's good for the voice.'

'I don't really know… I began, not feeling comfortable with being offered options, just wanting this to happen the way it did when we were back at the house and something just made me want to sing.

'I know what I want to sing' I offered.

'Oh well that's a start' Ron replied cheerfully. 'Why don't you two go into the studio and set up there – Seth maybe you can do a little warm up with Sarah so she is ready.

By the time I actually sang, I had forgotten my nerves. I was surprised. Seth had made us all laugh doing some vocal warm-up exercises with me as he did them he was interjecting with little bits of songs I recognised in between just to keep things light and relaxed. His range and ability was impressive and I felt a strange cross between surprise and pride as I watched him, giggling at times but completely drawn in by his advice and coaching at others.

I chose to sing the same song again as I had done with Seth the first time. Ron gave a very complimentary but sober greeting when I had finished. I don't know if I expected a more rapturous response but Seth gave me a little grin and a nod to reassure me as Ron asked me if I would mind singing another song for him. Luckily it was another one that I knew but I had never sung it properly before – only ever in the car or at home with the CD on so I didn't even know myself how I would sound. He said he felt the style of this would suit my voice and asked me to think about the words before I began. This song required a guitar, not a piano accompaniment and it turned out Ron could play so he joined me in the studio and sat on a chair next to where I stood.

"Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life

Feel like I'll never be the same"

It was an extremely heartfelt song to a very gentle rhythm. I could tell immediately how it would suit the softness of my voice. When it came to the words, I noticed the poignancy in a flash. I wondered exactly how much Ron did know about Seth and myself as a fact, but in choosing this song, I felt as though he had read my mind. I did not even know if Seth would understand what a clear tally the words had between my experience and emotion of meeting him but I hoped that by singing this as if it were to Seth in that studio, would bring emotion to the fore and I prayed that I would be able to do it.

Ron rehearsed it a little whilst I kept on reading the lyrics he had identified.

I knew I had cracked it when Ron actually stopped and applauded me as we completed the song.

'Absolutely beautiful' He beamed, reaching out to me and kissing my cheek enthusiastically. Seth stayed seated, nodding in agreement. He actually looked slightly moved by it. Ron certainly was delighted. 'You gave those lyrics such emotion Sarah. I knew it – I knew this would work with you!'

He said triumphantly to Seth who by now had joined us where I stood facing the glass wall of the control room in front of the large microphone.

'That was a brilliant choice Ron, my God, you were amazing baby' he said turning to me. I smiled and thanked them, feeling rather pleased with myself and somehow inside, quite triumphant too. I knew I could sing but had never had the nerve to do anything about it. Now I had put myself in this position and had shown people who really knew music exactly what I was capable of and instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed, I felt like I could do anything!

'How do you feel after that?' Ron asked me recognising the look on my face.

'Pretty amazing actually' I smiled and broke into laughter because we were all smiling so much. I realised from the looks on their faces and their response to me that both of these men felt they had uncovered something very special.

We arranged to meet again in the next week as Ron was adamant that we needed to record something properly. He admitted that at this stage he was not sure what we would do with the recordings and that this needed some thought.

Seth and I were driven home from the studio that evening, leaving via a back entrance to the building so we were able to avoid any further looming photographers.

Seth was in fine form, full of energy; delighted with the day and with me for proving him right.

'I am so proud of you, you know' He said as we sat on the back seat of the car. His arm was around me and he squeezed me slightly as he said it.

'I think this calls for a little celebration this evening. We should go out somewhere - I want to take you out and spoil you, especially after you cut your shopping trip short today'.

'Oh, it's fine' I said calmly. 'I didn't really do that much, it was fun though'.

'Oh stop it – you can stop being modest now, Ron Murphy thinks you're brilliant Sarah – you must know what that means?!'

'I'm not being modest, I just… I am happy, really… I enjoyed it. I'm just not used to this sort of thing.' I said quietly.

He smiled, with a sort of thoughtful look on his face; then sighed.

'Yeah, I know…I get carried away… I forget that this is all quite a big deal to you… I mean the whole thing is a big deal for sure, but I know you've had to face a lot to do it… and I am aware of that. I'm just so glad you did it, you really are a beautiful singer and it would be a crime to hide you away.'

He looked away, out of the car window seeming to deliberately create a pause as he had become aware at the speed and intensity with which he was talking.

I watched him, taking in the details of his face in profile, the way I had the first time I met him. I wondered what he had in mind for me now that I had performed and whetted Ron Murphy's appetite. He had not let me know what it was he planned for me and I had to find out. I feared the news I carried inside me would be the unravelling of a dream for him and right then, the thought of being the carrier of the dream and bearer of news, which would prevent it, felt like a massive weight on my mind.

When he looked back from the window, he caught me studying him.

'Hey there' he said with a small smile. I returned it and so he leant over to kiss me softly on the lips.

'Seth' I said, as we rested our foreheads together post-kiss.

'That's me' he replied in a flirty tone.

'Can we celebrate another evening…' I asked softly.

'Oh-ho' he murmured, 'You have plans for us tonight, I can tell' he said kissing me again.

'Well, not exactly…' I replied. 'I just want it to be us tonight though. I need to talk to you about something and I don't want any interruptions from being in public.'

He looked intrigued.

'Ok sure' the seductive tone slipped out of his voice and he pulled back from me slightly, not aggressively but in order to look at me properly.

'Is everything ok honey?' he said quietly, a note of concern edging in.

'Everything's fine' I put my hand on his thigh to reassure him as he was obviously concerned but he continued to look at me, his lips pressed together, a slight frown creasing his brow.

We had begun the ascent into the canyon now and the car curved around the steep bends sedately. We remained silent for the remainder of the journey and it wasn't until we stepped out of the car into the cool late evening air that he turned to me and spoke again.

'What's on your mind baby?' he said, quite firmly, seeming unable to keep in his curiosity any longer. He turned the key in the lock then entered the password code into the keypad and stepped aside as the door released.

I passed through the doorway and turned to face him fully as he came in. As I stood stock still in the hallway, looking at him, he appeared rather stunned by my approach.

I knew I just had to say it then and there or it would never come out. There was no good time to deliver this information and I needed this moment to be forced.

'I er.' I paused. He stared at me. 'What?'

'I'm…um'

He nodded his head, prompting me to go on.

'Fuck'. I hissed, turning away and ran upstairs to the bathroom.

'Sarah, wait – are you ok?' He called after me. 'I'm fine, I just need the bathroom, I'll be back.

I raced to the bathroom and closed the door, rummaging in my bag to find the completed test and the additional unused one from the same pack. I tore off the wrapper located the little wand inside it. Test number two read the same thing; This blue line appearing almost within seconds of my peeing on the little stick. I glared at it and sighed. Ok - so two tests now… I knew I was pregnant by now. All the signs were there and I couldn't deny them. Even my breasts were feeling tender now and two kit tests later… I was definitely going to have to tell him.

Walking into the living room, I slumped down on the sofa, Seth was waiting by the kitchen counter and looked over at me. I was starting to annoy myself. I couldn't find the words to say it to him.

'Sarah? He marched over and sat down close beside me. I didn't say anything so he said:

'Look if this is about the music, I told you that you don't have to do anything you don't want to, it's in your hands… ' He sounded bewildered; unconvinced that this was the cause of my difficulty but clueless as to what else to suggest.

'No –' was all I managed this time, before shaking my head and covering my face with my hands.

'Whatever this is Sarah, can you please just say, it's obviously bothering you, surely I am not that scary to you, just tell me.'

I looked him in the eyes and took a visibly deep breath. He remained still, just staring at me.

'I think I might be pregnant' I said and breathed out again.

He was silent. He tried to look at me but I was already focusing on my shoes.

'You're... pregnant?' he asked, slowly and quietly, a note of disbelief.

I nodded. 'I think so...'

'Wait. How do you know, then did this happen?' he asked, confused.

'Please look at me' he demanded.

I did as asked, his face softened as we made eye contact.

'I did a test today… I was with Anna and she made me realise the signs… when I tried clothes on they didn't fit because my breasts are swollen…. Then the sickness… then I realised my dates and I am late - by about 6 weeks… the test I did said I am pregnant. I just did another one upstairs and it said the same thing.' I paused trying to understand the look on his face. I removed the completed test from my jeans pocket and held it up to him. 'See.'

He was clearly taken aback.

'Wow' he said barely audibly holding the test wand in his fingers.

'Yes' I said in exactly the same way.

We both sighed, taking in the moment we were in.

I felt terrified. He didn't seem to be reacting badly but he'd said nothing. I knew that from the moment I found out, I so desperately wanted him to be pleased. That from the moment Anna had suggested that I might be pregnant, in my heart, I knew I wanted it to be true because I wanted this baby so much.

I felt like thanking God when he reached for my hand to hold.

'You're having our baby...?' he asked quietly, his face taking on that boyish quality he did at times of vulnerability.

I nodded, looking him in the eyes – they shone slightly, with a sense of wonder: as though he were daydreaming.

'Come here' He said softly. He held out his arms to me and I went to them. He lay back slightly into the sofa, pulling me to his chest and wrapped his arms protectively around me. I breathed heavily, several gulps. When I raised my head to look at his face, he was already looking down at me with affection. I couldn't help but smile back, with relief, but also because his loving gaze was contagious.

'You're happy?' I asked cringing, my forehead creasing very slightly for a moment as I looked down at the test stick, still clutched in his hand.

He smiled gently, stroking my cheek with his forefinger. 'I'm happy' he repeated quietly.

'Of course I am happy - I love you. This is our baby together, I can't imagine this happening with anyone else, so yes, I'm happy'.

I smiled back at him in utter relief and instinctively I drew my arms around myself and around our baby, as he held us both in his.


	7. Chapter 7

Once Seth knew about the baby, everything between us seemed to grow to an entirely new level. It felt as though we could and did share anything and I felt more secure and comfortable than I could remember being before. Seth admitted once we talked about it properly that having a baby was not even on his mind about us for the time being. In any relationship, this would be seen as soon to be having a baby… it was a shock to us both, but when we thought about it more deeply, for the level of connection we had experienced together, it almost seemed to be the most natural progression in the world for us and we were delighted in equal measure.

We stayed awake late into that night, lying in bed together, talking about our lives, our families, our experiences and our dreams for the future. We wondered what our lives held for us now that another person would be joining us. That very fact would bond us forever and would make us a family. Knowing this felt good, and right and as though it was meant to be…

'I can't believe you took it so well', I laughed, as we lay side-by-side holding hands in the low glow of the bedroom light. We had de-camped upstairs to get cosy, once we had recovered from the initial moment when I told Seth about our baby. Now we lay snuggled under the covers amongst the pillows, wearing warm sweaters and pyjama bottoms like little kids at a sleep-over. For the first time in the season there was a chill in the air, so it felt a wonderful novelty to be pulling on warm clothes and snuggling up together for warmth.

Seth had already started fussing around me like a mother hen, not letting me do anything. We were both enjoying it immensely. He took delight his 'protector' role and I loved to have him take care of me.

'How did you think I was going to take it then?' he sounded a little put out.

'I don't know!' I replied honestly. 'I was just freaked out and I thought you'd be mad with me for letting it happen – even though I didn't mean to… plus felt a bit stupid for not realising myself at first….

'Why would you realise? He shrugged, 'Neither did I anyway… we both took risks which led to this. If you look back now, I guess you could think it's pretty obvious it could happen but I wasn't exactly behaving like myself in the last couple of months anyway …'

'I know!' I shrugged. 'Anna did tell me off a bit and ask me what the hell I thought I was doing…. I don't think we were that careful really were we? Seems crazy to have been so impulsive, but things just happened the way they did and here we are.' I sighed.

'I know… I mean, I should probably be apologising to you, but I'm not actually sorry I got you pregnant' he gave me a cheeky grin, his eyes shone.

' Now I think about it… I must be quite uh, well, you know, potent for this!' I laughed at him. He looked pleased with himself.

'_Really_?' I said 'That's how it makes you feel?'

'Yeah... I can't deny it kind of makes me feel like a real man… makes me want to take care of you too.' He smiled at me. I laughed again, 'That is so sweet – but funny! You sound like a caveman or something…'

He reached over under the covers and gently ran his hand across my tummy. 'Yeah I know… but really, it kind of turns me on to know that I put a baby in your belly!' He grinned boyishly.

I smiled, understanding that this might be the way men thought, but to have him admit it to me out loud was still surprising and so very open; his candidness still struck me, it was so endearing.

I slid my hand to rest on top of his.

'You are such a big softie aren't you?' I smiled at him rubbing my fingers across his.

He smiled too. 'You did this to me, you hear?' he said. 'You came along and you did something to me and it makes me into a caveman, oh, wait – and a 'big softie' you say?' he sighed. 'I have to say I am happy to be both of those things… I don't care at all what you make me into, I am a happy caveman and a happy big softie' he said proudly.

'You're going to be a Daddy now too.' I said quietly and looked at him expectantly.

'Sounds weird when you say that… but good' he said thoughtfully. 'Imagine me… as a Dad… I'm going to be someone's Daddy!' he grinned.

'I know what you mean' I said. I really like the idea of you being 'Daddy' - especially to my baby' I smiled, 'Being a father… It's a kind of strong and comforting image…. It feels strange to think of myself as a mother though'. I shrugged. 'I don't feel responsible enough'.

'You'll be a brilliant mother… and a natural' he said bringing his other hand over to take mine. 'I hope so… shame it doesn't sound a sexy as a Daddy though, you've got to be honest' I frowned.

'Oh you're crazy! You're going to be the yummiest mommy in LA' he laughed

'Anyway, I don't start thinking it makes a difference whether you're a mother or not, I don't feel anything different about you because you're having a baby… if anything it makes me want you more.'

'It does? Why?'

'Well because you're you, for a start and I'll always love the way you are … but also - I told you - it makes me feel excited to have made you pregnant…especially so easily ' he said happily, 'Makes me love you even more now too' but then he suddenly frowned. 'But…. hey, I just had a thought though…' he trailed off in his sentence, looking away for a second and pausing.

'What?' I said concerned, wondering what awful thought had crept into his mind.

'Tell me what…?' I wailed bewilderedly, not picking up that he was winding me up…

'Ah, you know,' he began, pushing my hair behind my ear, and regarding me carefully, 'I just thought that maybe we could, er, you know, make absolutely sure you are definitely pregnant.' He said with a wicked grin. 'I know just the way to do that too – and I am offering this here on a plate to you – just as a guarantee' He said gesturing with his hand towards himself. 'Bear with me on this – 'cause I am prepared to make sure the job is done properly…. and if you want we can get started right now?' he said sliding his arms around me pulling me close so he could rest his head against mine.

I sighed, realising he was joking, so I stole a quick kiss from him in response.

'God, nothing stops you does it?!' I laughed, pretending to be cross.

'Nope' he replied proudly. 'Honestly, I think about having sex with you all the time and I'll take any little chance I get. I admit it.' We both laughed.

We stayed in our embrace for a moment.

'You know,' I said thoughtfully, 'When you think about it, it is odd knowing that the thing you always tried to avoid since you were a teenager: getting pregnant – or in your case presumably – getting someone pregnant, and now that we're here and we don't have to worry about it anymore, it is a strange thing…. It's actually really liberating…'

'Oh yeah! She's coming round - keep talking MacFarlane: you almost have her' he teased, pretending he was trying to seduce me.

'Hey you, I'm being serious here.' I put my hand on his chest and pushed him back gently.

He caught my hand and started kissing it, putting on a French accent 'Oh but Miss Jones, I cannot reeseest your beauty and your weet, zey enchant me' he said comically, kissing all the way up from my hand to my arm until I started to laugh. 'Geeve into ma charms preety lady, I seemply must 'ave you'

'Seth!' I screamed becoming ticklish, 'Stop it, you're crazy' I giggled. He had made it as far as my cheek by now, and surprised me by dropping his act completely in an instant and whispering in my ear seductively, 'I'll be careful with you, I promise'.

I turned to look at him, my face just and inch or so away from his.

'You weren't kidding then?' I said softly and touched my nose against his.

'Nope' he murmured against my lips. We kissed gently for a moment and I felt his breathing increase. We sank beneath the covers and embraced each other tangling our legs together as we continued to kiss. Being beneath the covers felt warm and comforting like we were bound up in our own little cocoon, the restriction of it felt good: as though we were both being hugged by one big pair of arms. Before long his hands slid beneath my sweater and he pushed it up, then lifted it over my head. All I wore underneath was a thin vest top with no underwear. He ran his hands over the soft cotton covering my breasts, but I jumped slightly as he did so, quickly realising the tenderness of them. 'You ok?' he cringed, noticing my flinch. 'A bit sore, I murmured back, 'Be gentle' I kissed his worried face to reassure him.

I turned my attention to him then; running my hands across the width of his chest over the top of his sweater, feeling the shape of his body and its firm contours. He breathed heavily as I did this, and sucked his breath in as I pushed my hands in a downward stroke across his firm stomach. Being intimate with him did feel good on a whole new level now. He was right: knowing I was carrying his child made him seem even more of a man than before. Not that I ever doubted that, but I loved the sense of masculinity it brought him. It seemed to be quite a primal reaction really. Now, I felt that I wanted to be held and protected by him and treated with tenderness whilst I still felt that same, constant and powerful burning sexual desire for him that I ever did - it never seemed to go away.

He smiled gently as I touched his chest, concentrating on my face as I looked at his body. I tugged at his sweater, wanting it out of the way, so he pulled it over his head and threw it aside. I immediately returned my hands to his bare smooth skin, running my fingertips across his hardened nipples then feeling the shape of his shoulders with my palms.

I slid my hand under the waistband of his loose trousers, knowing he had no underwear beneath them. I looked at his face as I did so, taking in his reaction as I reached in to touch him. His eyes were half closed and he moaned quietly as my fingers made contact with his skin. His eyes flickered slightly and rolled back momentarily as I wrapped my hand around him. He was already hard and his skin felt tight and warm in my fist.

I leant in to him, to press my lips against his, which were slightly parted with his increased breathing. He let me kiss him without moving at all, watching me, gazing at my lips as I drew back from him. He stared at me, with a look of fascination and intense concentration, before lifting his chin, to indicate he wanted me to kiss him again… as I did, his hand slipped around the back of my neck and he encouraged me, deepening the kiss until it became quicker and more breathless. I began to stroke him inside his trousers as we kissed and he broke it for breath and to groan and murmur softly 'uh yes, that's so good, like that, do it like that' so I continued until he slid out of the trousers and kicked them out of the bed, to the floor. 'I want this…. but I want you too' he said breathlessly as I continued to use my hand on him. 'I'm scared to lay on you though, I don't want to hurt you', I stopped touching him for a moment and smiled at his sweetness, and surprising innocence; for thinking that something so tiny and deep inside me could be harmed by him and for caring so much as to be afraid it would be possible. I placed a small kiss on his nose. 'It's ok' I whispered, 'Just be gentle' I rolled away from him to lay on my side and he quickly embraced me from behind, bringing his arms around me. 'Like this?' He asked in a whisper, kissing the side of my face. 'Mmm' I murmured, enjoying the sensation of being gripped in his arms. I turned my head to kiss his lips and again it deepened quickly. He broke away and began to use his tongue, to softly kiss and trace down my spine until he reached the line of my pyjamas where he continued to place kisses, flicking his tongue at the small of by back to make me shiver. His hands gradually eased my pyjamas down over my bottom and left them around my thighs, and brought his hips forward against me immediately allowing me to feel the sweet contact of his skin. I groaned, predicting the feeling about to come and in response, his hand slid around the front of my hips and down between my thighs making me gasp with pleasure as his fingers began to stroke me with slow circular movements. 'Oh God.. baby, yes.' I breathed as he kissed my neck harder, maintaining his finger movement whilst increasingly pressing his hips against me from behind. He paused as the tip of him slipped between my thighs. We could both feel how ready I was in that moment and so he gripped my hips with both hands and carefully slid inside me, causing us both to groan in felt surprisingly tight this way. Instead of energetic thrusting, this time he used a slow rhythmic motion, rocking us gently with constant pressure. It became almost hypnotic as he did it. Doing it this way felt much more like a loving act, quite spiritual and calm, rather than the hard and fast passionate sex we always had. The motion he created was just fast enough not to be frustrating, and it teased us so very slowly towards an aching point of no return. 'Mmm, feels so good like this' he murmured deeply, maintaining his speed, 'This make you want to come baby?' 'mm-hmm, don't stop', I had felt the build up as he spoke to me and I wanted to bring it to release. The powerful sensations it brought in the end were worth it, almost like climbing and then tipping gently over the edge followed by a steady flood; an unravelling which seemed to go on and on. I squeezed my muscles for him and heard him hold his breath, then exhale hard as he got his release, flooding me with warmth. I turned around to him, burying my face in his chest; he embraced me tightly there whilst I listened to his heartbeat and his breathing decrease.

'Amy! What can I do for you?' Seth chirped into the phone in a forced way. He was standing at the kitchen counter, breaking eggs into a bowl to make us Saturday brunch when the phone rang. I looked over from my place on the sofa reading a newspaper as I heard him, knowing from his tone that he would be pulling a face as he said it.

He rolled his eyes at me and I smiled back before continuing with my reading.

'Oh, fine, fine – you know, just making some brunch. Yeah, she's fine too, yes she's here' He had the tone of someone speaking to their mother for the 6th time that week.

'Uh, no – I haven't why?' He began whipping the eggs in the bowl so I didn't really detect the note of annoyance in his voice until he stopped dead what he was doing, putting the bowl down with a clunk.

'Ok – where is that…? No I didn't, I've got to go. I'll call you back' He announced abruptly and cut off the call.

I glanced over casually but immediately noticed the frown on this forehead.

'What's up?' I asked putting down the paper.

'Those pictures…the paparazzi the other day… they've turned up' He said. 'I want to see them, then I'm ringing Peter.' He sounded pretty annoyed. 'Can you get the laptop and look up TMZ online?' 'Sure' I said, getting up to retrieve his laptop from the office. He picked up the bowl again and began beating the eggs harder than necessary, a brooding look on his face.

I quickly made my way to the office, unplugged the laptop which was laying open on the desk and carried it back to the counter where Seth was, I climbed onto the stool on the opposite side and started it up.

Seth sighed as I did so.

'From what she said they're making shit up again just for the sake of a story…' he said quietly.

'Don't they do that all the time?' I asked trying to maintain a neutral approach as I could sense the tension in him rising and I could honestly do without any drama that day. I was looking forward to us having some lazy time together again as the last few days had been fairly manic and I knew he was as tired as I was.

'They do about me – but…' he said ominously. 'Honey, the pictures are of you… they're writing about you.' My stomach flipped.

By now I had typed in the address of TMZ website, a US based gossip page which published daily entertainment and celebrity stories along with paparazzi shots and videos. Seth hated them and had previously had run-ins with them via his agent when they decided to report false stories about who he had dated. That kind of intrusion really bothered him, I gathered mainly because he hated the fact that they could say whatever they wanted and as soon as it was published and people saw it, they just assumed it was true. Misrepresentation was one of his pet-hates but he was equally as concerned about keeping his private life private, no matter what. This part was the main point of annoyance for him in connection to his fame and success.

I didn't respond initially to his remark that it was me the article was about. At that point, I was naively unaware of the impact. I expected one shot of Seth and me entering the Capitol building. As the page loaded I read out loud 'MacFarlane's new mystery girl gets in on the game from day one'

Below it was a shot of me and Anna shopping in Beverley Hills; The shot of Seth and I entering the Capitol Building with Seth's arm around my back and an additional shot; the one which left me as fearful of Seth's reaction to it as the shock it was to see myself. The picture was blurry and distant but was of Seth and I sitting in George's restaurant, Seth's arms around me, kissing my hand. Clearly stolen by someone in the restaurant that night. Seeing such a picture was more shocking than I thought. Casting my mind back to that moment – an intimate moment, and emotional one, stolen from us and laid bare to anyone who cared to see and not only the image of that private moment, but also a negative slant invented and presented as gossip and entertainment. I felt sick.

Seth had continued banging around in the kitchen whilst I read the page, but now I turned the laptop screen towards him to see for himself. He glanced up and read silently, for a few moments before muttering 'Fucking assholes'. I could see colour flushing to his cheeks and he gritted his teeth as he continued preparing food for us.

The story accompanying the images, painted the picture that I had used my friend Anna to get to LA and close to Seth, where I had snared him and used my charms to get him to help me become a recording artist. Any reference to our relationship suggested that Seth had become a lonely vulnerable recluse in recent times and had been flattered by the charms of this English rose from a mundane background and a taste for fame. It was a ridiculous fabrication, full of venom and jealousy. Even using Seth's ability to stay out of the press as a means of attacking him by suggesting he was reclusive.

'Baby, I'm sorry…' he said finally, quietly. 'This bullshit is all because of me and now they're trying to drag you into it… they have no fucking right to talk about you. This is nothing to do with them' He was seething.

'They seem to know about the recordings as well… I said continuing to read, my heart racing, and they know we only could have met at the 'Moonlight age' premiere and made up a load of bullshit from there… how do they get this information?' I asked him incredulously.

'It's a hard lesson Sarah, but people talk – that's how.' He sighed wearily. 'It's virtually impossible to trust people - it makes me so fucking mad. I just KNOW someone has been talking and I want to know who that is'

He put his hand up to his head and breathed hard seeming to attempt to dissipate his anger. 'They probably don't actually know about the recordings – it's just a lucky guess because of seeing us at Capitol. God Dammit!' He spat out.

I reached across the counter, and took hold of his hand to calm him, he looked at me sadly and squeezed my hand.

'You seem pretty calm about it.' He said quietly.

'Not really. It is freaking me out, but I'm not sure what to expect now – I mean, what the hell do they care about me for a start? It's just pissing me off that they're trying to make out I am some kind of gold digger or wannabie, who basically hunted you down and snared you! I didn't plan this.' I shook my head in disbelief at the ludicrousness of this considering the kind of person I am.

'I know, I know honey.' He said looking really annoyed. 'I'm surprised Peter hasn't called me already, I want to know who's said this and get them shut up right away'. I'm not having you paraded through the gossip pages when you don't know how to deal with it'.

'I'm a big girl Seth, you don't have to protect me. I mean, it's great you're defending me but I knew I would have to face some of this stuff eventually because of what you do.' I said feeling uncomfortable about referring to him in that way. 'I knew from the start that it wouldn't be easy but I didn't care because of the way I felt about you… I can handle the rough with the smooth, I know it's not your fault. I know the truth and so do you and that's what matters isn't it?'

He looked over at me admiringly and gave a small smile.

'You're a tough cookie, I'll give you that…. I know you're a capable person and you'll face the stuff that is hard, but I love you and I want to keep bad stuff away from you because of that… I don't want you being stressed about it.'

I moved to where he stood at the counter and put my arms around his waist. 'I love you too and so I am prepared to take any shit that comes with it'

'You're a brave woman Sarah' he grimaced, tilting his head so it touched mine.

'I'm not brave at all, I just can't help that I fell in love with you and I know nothing in life is perfect, this is just what comes with it. Of all the good things we have, I know there has to be some difficult things as well, or it would just be a fairytale and God knows I realise life is not like that.'

'I know that too. I'm just so fucking pissed about this. Going for me is one thing but you…'

'Yeah, you said' I interrupted him, knowing he was getting angry again. 'Listen to me Seth: it's out there now. There's nothing we can do about it, it happened. We don't like it, but frankly, I don't care what they say about me – ok?'

'But I can stop it – I can get rid of it – get the lawyers onto it' he protested.

I sighed and gave him a hard stare.

'People have already seen it Seth….what's the point? Please? I'm tired, I can't handle this today, lets just hide from it all for now?' I let him go and headed back to the sofa. He didn't reply but continued dishing up the eggs and toast he'd made for us. I sat back down leaving the laptop where it was on the counter. I realised that what I was trying to persuade him to do – ignore it, forget about it, was probably not the right approach in the long-term but I hated him getting so agitated on my behalf. I didn't really give a damn about what had been written about me because fame and notoriety did not mean much to me. It wasn't something I sought for myself so it was no big loss if they wrote unflattering things about me. I knew Seth was concerned about his image as well as any potential one he had in mind for me. I suppose it was something bred into him through his experiences of the press in his career. I understood his motivation but having just discovered my pregnancy, the wider world was not something I wanted to tackle head on at that point; I just wanted to be safe and comfortable.

'Your breakfast Miss Jones' He announced sheepishly as he handed me my food on a tray where I sat on the sofa.

I took it from him carefully. 'Thanks' I smiled reluctantly as I balanced it on my knees. He returned to the counter to collect his and sat back down on the opposite sofa, facing me.

'Sorry'. He said, picking up his fork and then glancing back at me.

I nodded 'It's ok. Thanks for my breakfast – it looks really good'

'No problem. I have to make sure you're eating properly, especially now.'

'That's more like it' I replied, giving him a sly smile. 'I prefer you fussing to being Mr Grumpy'

He laughed at that, then sighed and started eating.

I watched him for a minute or two, trying to work out if he was still annoyed and putting on an act for me, or if he was really feeling calmer.

After pondering this and coming up with a blank I decided to tuck into the food, it did smell really good and I was starving by now. I noticed I could become ravenous all of a sudden to the point of feeling faint, so eating on time was more of a priority, especially as nausea often accompanied the sudden hunger.

He devoured his as though he had not eaten in days, and sat back contentedly letting the fork fall against his plate with a clunk.

'Good?' I asked as he did so.

'Yeah. I needed that'

I continued munching through the toast but was full quite quickly. I offered him my plate and he shifted over to sit beside me, picking up the second piece of toast and finishing it off for me.

We sat back side by side afterwards, tummies pushed out from eating. 'Look at mine' he laughed rubbing his – I don't even have a baby in there. You're still tiny, look at this – still flat.' He said touching my tummy gently. 'Oh God yours is hardly massive!' I laughed, poking his firm stomach muscles with one finger. He flinched against it because it tickled him. 'Anyway, I don't think anything will stick out for a while yet… when my friend Cassie was pregnant, it didn't even notice until 6 months'

'Really? I actually want it to though – I want to see it' he replied sounding slightly disappointed.

'Hmm, well I reckon it'll be big soon enough, I'm just happy to still be able to get my jeans done up at the moment'.

He smiled lovingly, keeping his hand lightly pressed against tummy and looked me in the eyes.

'Ok, so I admit now I probably should see your doctor… not that I know much about this but I should check that everything is ok.' I said looking back at him.

'Definitely… we can arrange that. I'm going to make sure you're properly taken care of Sarah. This is so important' he said moving his hand a little on my tummy. He kissed my head and I felt relieved he was calmer.

'I need to work on some scoring' he announced, breaking away from the moment and grabbing the plates from the table. He headed over to the kitchen area and started to put things away. I have this one piece to work on and I'm being pressed for it a little. You don't need me for anything for a while do you?' 'No I'm fine'

'Ok, I'm just going to be in the office for bit, I have to make those calls first, Peter can do some work for his percentage.' Seth was referring to his agent Peter Masterson who was both a cliché and a genius when it came to Hollywood agents but he had guided Seth's career and reputation from the start and when you looked at the planning and decision-making he had chosen for Seth, you had to admit he knew his business. Seth had it in mind to set Peter to work in getting the story removed from the website we had seen at least. It felt a little over-sensitive but Seth was insistent that their actions were tantamount to stealing and saying nothing about it would just mean they would go on doing it to us. I resolved to trust his decision, and leave him to deal with it. After all, what did I know about image and PR?

'Oh, I forgot: I brought you some sheet music from the songs we worked on in the studio - in case you wanted to look over them again? We have a very lovely Steinway here for your pleasure if you want to play them?' he gestured towards the piano, tilting his head coyly as he knew he was cheekily trying to coax me into playing for him to hear.'

I smiled at him with pursed lips. 'Thank you for that… I might just have a turn later – when you're too busy to listen!'

He tutted jokily, shaking his head. 'OK, so if I just happen to hear you, I'll block my ears and go 'la,la,la, la – not listening' he grinned.

'Don't worry so much… just enjoy it'. He said and headed off into his office.

I spied the sheet music across the room, lying on the side table where he left them. Leafing through them, I read the titles of the songs he'd chosen and smiled. He knew the types of music I liked. Ron had been the same, though his choices of song had been more guided by marketability than just music I loved. Seth seemed to have this innate ability to match mood with music and give music personality. I got a sense that he physically felt music, as well as heard it. I recognised this feeling, often experiencing the 'goose-bumps' reaction to playing and hearing songs, but did not feel I possessed the depth of natural understanding Seth did. Whatever I felt about him personally, I recognised on a professional level that he had a unique ability and sense of musicality I'd never seen before. You could describe it as 'in his blood'. He came alive when he played and sang and the expression he delivered in his performances provoked such raw emotional response in people. It was masterful - a pleasure to witness.

I carefully set one of the sheets on the music stand and sat down in front of the keys, allowing my fingers to find their position. I played a few bursts of songs from memory… things I had learnt many years ago as a student. My fingers began to warm up and move more easily. I could pick up my pace and felt my shoulders begin to relax. After a while, I tried the new piece, staring slowly to accommodate my rusty sight-reading. I cringed a few times over a slipped note or small error but it sounded pretty good. Seth wandered through to get himself a drink at one point, fingers shoved in his ears and a big grin on his face. I shook my head with a smirk when I saw him. 'Not listening, can't hear you' he sang as he took his water back through to the office.

He turfed me off the piano a short while later as he needed to compose his score using it, to play what he had already sketched out on paper. I went upstairs and lay down for a while, as I had started to feel sleepy most afternoons, presumably just another symptom of the pregnancy. After a couple of hours, I came downstairs to find him still at the piano.

'Hey how's it going?' I asked standing at the edge of the piano stool. I noticed he was stretching his fingers and rubbing his wrists, his pained expression showed me he had over done things.

'Oh… your hands are bad again aren't they?' He nodded with a grimace, continuing to try to ease them but I could see he was in pain. 'My neck too'

'Come on you – let me take care of that' I ordered, tapping him on the shoulder to make him get up. He did as he was told and slunk after me sulkily.

'Sit' I ushered him to the table and pulled out a chair where he slouched down looking sorry for himself.

I soaked his hands and wrists in a warm bowl of salt water and gently massaged them until I felt the muscles loosen. He suffered from pain in his hands and neck at times, particularly when he spent too long playing the piano. He had tendonitis, which he had brought on by repeated over-use from long periods of music practice, drawing and writing.

'You get this more when you're stressed Seth' I said as I dried my hands off and stood behind him, beginning to massage his shoulders. 'You're really tense here baby' I frowned, having to force my thumbs against his shoulder muscles which were taught and solid.

'Yeah, I know…. Combination of getting pissed about the pictures and then practicing too much.' He sighed and flinched slightly as I pinched at his shoulders.

'I hate it when you get so angry… you shouldn't let them get to you… they mean nothing' I shrugged, pushing the heel of my hands across the back of his shoulders and then slowly dragging my fingers down his spine making him shiver slightly and the hairs of his neck stood up.

'I know, and I'm sorry… this is the bit I hate about what I do…. They have no fucking right to do these things but they do and they just take what they want – you know?' he said sadly through gritted teeth.

'sshhh, Don't get wound up again' I soothed, realising he was tensing again.

'Did Peter say he could do anything about that article when you spoke to him?' I asked tentatively.

'He said he'd do what he could' He replied sullenly. 'I know I'm being crazy about this… but I just want to protect you… They can say what they want about me, but when they start on you – it just makes me want to…' I stopped him by wrapping my arms around his neck from behind and pressing my cheek against his. He sighed, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. I moved around until I stood in front of him and he hugged my body, pressing his face into my tummy.

I held him there for a while, rubbing his hair carefully with my hands.

After a few minutes, I spoke again.

'Maybe we should just go with it…' I suggested calmly. He lifted his chin and looked up at me, my hands were still in his hair, holding his head as he looked at me.

'What do you mean? He looked confused.

'Just let them see us together… we are together… it's not something which needs to be a secret is it?' I asked.

'I know what you're saying babe, but…' he drifted off and looked away. I knelt in front of where he sat so our faces were closer.

'Surely you were only secretive about your dating and private life becoming public when it was uncertain… I mean, I totally understand that you would want to keep things down if you were just having a fling… but … I thought, well this is different isn't it?'

He smiled as he realised what I was getting at.

'Being with you is entirely different, of course it is… I'm not dating you – we're together, end of story, don't ever doubt that, by the way' he gave me a wonky smile, realising it sounded a bit like a hurried summary. I understood him anyway.

'It's just that it's not exactly 'me' to do things like that and be so open, I've made a habit of it almost, but I guess if it is known we're together, maybe they won't make up crappy stories about you because the facts will speak for themselves.' I nodded acknowledgement raising my eyebrows.

'They can't know about the baby though… I said suddenly. 'That would definitely add fuel to their fire if they're trying to make out I've set out to land you.'

'No, no of course not' he replied hurriedly and took my hand, 'They will know once it's born but I want that to be private for as long as possible too'

'But you know, if you want us to be public about this, we have to go out and 'be seen' – you realise that, don't you?' he warned.

'Er, you mean set it up..?' I asked surprised.

'That is how it's done' he confirmed with a nod.

'What, you mean they aren't all stolen shots of people?' I asked.

He pressed his lips together and shook his head. 'Afraid not… if you want control over your publicity, you have to 'play ball' with photographers, so to speak'

'So what would we need to do?' I asked slightly bewildered as I realised I had underestimated the solution.

'Well, we just go for dinner or for coffee somewhere and we let Peter do the rest..,' He replied matter-of-factly. It had started to sound mildly seedy now. I realised we would be literally planting ourselves to be photographed. It felt weird and unreal to me. My face must have looked rather horrified.

'It already happened to us baby… it's just we'd know this time – and we'd be in control of it.'

I grimaced at him.

'I know, it is pretty seedy stuff, but it's got to be better than being stung by paparazzi and not having any control of what they write about us.'

He reached to me now and stroked my hair as I thought about what he was telling me.

The phone rang again. I stood up and reached for it, passing it to him to answer.

'Oh hey, yeah sorry I forgot to call you back'. It was Amy again. 'Yeah well, pretty fucking mad as you can imagine, I don't even want to go into it anyway….' There was a long pause as he listened to her speak. 'Uh, nothing much…. Yeah ok. I'll ask Sarah but we'll probably see you then. Ok, sure. Bye'

'She wants to know if we want to go for dinner with them tonight?' He announced cutting off the phone and placing it on the table.

'Just the four of us apparently, no big deal – you want to?' He seemed indifferent but it was an improvement on his existing mood.

'At their place?' I asked before shrugging and nodding yes.

'Alright' He kissed me briefly and got up. 'She said come over when we want.'

'So 7.30 then?' I suggested, 'I want to get ready first.'

'Sure'.

Seth drove us to Malibu where Steve and Amy lived in a huge modern beach house facing the ocean.

It was dark by the time we arrived but still warm and so they had chosen for us to sit outside up on their roof terrace which was flagged by large glass screens and tall bamboo plants. It was breezy and the candles flickered; it was a beautiful scene for dinner.

We were greeted with smiles and hugs from both and Seth presented Amy with her favourite wine and a box of tiny chocolate cookies from Drakes Deli in Beverly Hills - which she apparently loved.

'Oh my God – thank you!' She enthused hugging Seth again as she took them. 'You know me too well' she grinned. 'Gotta keep the chef happy huh?' Seth shrugged and gave a grin to Steve who was observing his wife's clear delight.

'Oh man you are such a little charmer – you show me up!' he playfully tapped Seth on the arm.

'Sarah you look so pretty tonight, I love your dress!' Amy enthused, where did you get it?' She stroked the material on my shoulder. 'Thank you' I smiled. I got it in London actually - it's not new'. 'Ooh get her!' Amy shrilled 'She's so cosmopolitan, Seth' He shook his head and grinned at me. 'I'm just jealous Sarah' She added 'European women as so classy and you're no exception' She smiled.

'So listen you guys, lets get some drinks and sit while we wait for food' Steve began, ushering us towards the seating area which consisted of 2 huge corner sofas under a large white shade sail with a central low glass table. The terrace was decorated with tiny fairy lights draped around the peripheries and a huge flower display to the side. Everyone's home in LA just looked like a film set to me. Everything always just so, no mess, no extras, just perfect expensive and stylish. Where did they put their junk mail or that thing they needed to return to the shop, not even a handbag on the hallway floor to fall over.

'You warm enough baby?' Seth murmured as we settled ourselves on one of the sofas. He looked concerned as he noticed me hugging my arms around myself. I nodded and smiled at him. 'I'm ok' I assured him. He rubbed my lower back gently. Steve returned clutching a bottle of wine and some glasses. 'Sarah' he said brightly, 'Can I interest you in some of this?' he gestured, turning the label to show me. 'Oh er, thanks' I replied quickly, '..but I can't, I'm driving tonight'. I shifted slightly as I recognised Seth had clicked too that I was going to have to avoid their offers of alcohol, as we were not planning on telling them our news.

'I'll take some buddy' he chipped up to cause a distraction. 'Oh that's a shame Sarah' Steve sounded sympathetic. 'Hey you cheapskate, can't you afford a driver anymore?' he turned to Seth grinning, and poured him some wine. Seth laughed it off. 'What can I get for you?' Steve returned to ask me.

'Oh tonic water would be good'

'No problem' he smiled kindly.

'Honey, can you bring out some tonic please' he called back to Amy.

Moments later she joined us on the terrace clutching the bottle and some ice in a glass.

'And who is this for?' she said in mock-accusation.

'Oh um, it's me…' I stammered, 'I'm er, bit hung over. Too much wine last night, thought I'd lay off it for a bit…' I noticed Steve raise an eyebrow because my story had changed.

'Oh dear…. I can relate to that' Amy laughed, not noticing. 'So what was the celebration then you two?' she smiled handing me my glass.

'Oh well we had a good day actually' Seth interjected. 'Sarah came down to Capitol with me and Ron Murphy recorded a couple of tracks with her'.

I cringed, not sure whether I felt any happier with Seth telling them about my singing than about us having a baby.

'Really?' Steve asked intrigued.

'Yeah' Seth continued, his arm tightened around me very slightly in attempt to reassure me.

'She's fantastic, I just had to get her recording once I knew what she could do'. He smiled proudly and glanced towards me.

Amy watched us silently, equally as intrigued. No smile on her face.

'You mean you didn't know she was a great singer? I thought that was how you guys met' This was turning into a minefield! I started to wish we had stayed home instead.

'Well, not exactly…' I began.

'They met through Anna, silly' Amy interjected 'Oh yeah, I forgot' he replied, seeming to wait for more information from me.

I left a silence and noticed Amy eyeing Seth and me carefully. It was probably only a few seconds but it was a huge silence filling the gap.

'So what's been going on with you guys lately' Seth broke the silence in a completely new tone so much so that Amy and Steve both stared at him for a second before Steve realised and played along.

'Oh you know, this script is nearly done now… been working with Martin Cavalli a bit… we have a deal already, so this is a sure thing'

'That's fantastic man,' Seth enthused, 'No kicking back now the money's on the table.' 'Yeah it's pretty full on…' 'He's been staying up til 4 most nights' Amy sighed rolling her eyes. 'Oh baby, you feelin' neglected?' Steve took her hand and pulled her close to him. She resisted at first but then gave him a wry smile as he kissed her cheek Seth smiled as he watched them. 'Yeah Amy, just think of all the handbags he can getcha when he gets his cut from the movie' Seth shot her a cheeky look. 'Seth you bastard' she yelled grinning 'Actually, I miss my husband!' she purred looking into Steve's eyes and stroking his arm. I could see he loved her, his eyes were full of admiration when she did do. I could not see her eyes.

Seth laughed heartily at her, unconsciously reaching to hold my hand where we linked fingers and rested them between us on the sofa. I shifted around a little feeling a small cramp in my tummy. Seth noticed my sharp intake of breath. 'You ok honey?' he instinctively asked, concerned. 'Yeah I'm fine' I squeezed his hand hoping Amy and Steve were still caught up in their moment, but Amy glanced at us, watching our interaction, surely taking notes.

'You two are so sweet together' She cooed. 'I'm so happy for you!' She smiled broadly, still holding Steve's hand.

'Thanks Amy. You and Steve have been so lovely welcoming me like this' I said politely. 'It's our pleasure Sarah' Steve replied, giving me a genuine smile. 'We're just glad Seth is looking settled at last.' He gave Seth a grin. 'Have to say, I never thought I'd see the day' Amy chipped in. 'Thought you were the eternal bachelor, Sethy' she batted her eyelashes at him. 'Oh knock it off, you're worse than parents! I'm a big boy now' he shot back. Amy raised an eyebrow. 'I can confirm that' I winked cheekily. 'Ha ha!' Steve laughed and grinned at me. Seth shook his head and grinned at me too.

'Seriously, I have to say I am really happy… and that is down to this lady' he added wistfully. 'God you're soppy' I scolded him, giving him a big smile. He gave me a kiss on the cheek. 'Can't help it babe… even when you are cheeky to me.' We held our gaze for a few seconds.

'Oh Lord you two!' Amy exclaimed. 'SO in love, it's sickening' she gestured her two fingers towards her lips as if to make herself sick.

'I have to check the food' She jumped up. 'Oh Amy, where's the bathroom?' I asked as she was getting up. 'Follow me' she replied and Seth shifted his legs to let me past him, guiding me through carefully.

Once inside Amy gestured towards the hallway – 'first on the left'

'Back in a second' I smiled at her.

'Hey so you guys were partying hard last night then' Amy said as I came back down the hall into the open kitchen area next to the terrace. 'Well, sort of…' I replied slowly. 'Only dinner… I'm just a lightweight really!' I laughed. 'Wine isn't good for me.' She continued preparing the food in front of her, ready to be carried outside. 'Oh right – you can have something else if you like – we're not short on options…. I can drop you a little vodka in that tonic if you'd prefer?' She wasn't looking at me, deliberately, I could tell; and I was starting to feel like she wasn't just being polite, rather than that she was fishing somewhat, maybe testing, but I was not sure why.

'No honestly, I'm fine with this… doesn't do any harm to take a break now and then… hey do you want any help with that?' I gestured towards the food. 'Oh thank you but no – you're the guest!' She replied 'So you're taking a conscious break from drinking then?' She continued pressing. 'I guess so' I replied enigmatically. 'What next – is Seth on the same health-kick? I noticed he's not chain-smoking as usual?!' Seth had stopped smoking around me as soon as we found out about the baby; he still occasionally smoked but only in the garden and away from me. 'Oh you noticed…' I raised my eyebrows 'Couldn't help but' she replied. 'He's just cutting back' I replied neutrally. 'His choice… says it's better for his voice anyway.'

'Uh-huh' she nodded a note of amusement, and disbelief in her tone.

'He is such a changed man lately' she exclaimed suddenly… rather candidly.

'He's devoted to you Sarah – so attentive, it's amazing' She said coolly. I smiled, 'He is lovely to me. I am a lucky girl'. I smiled shyly.

'What's your secret?' she said suddenly, her tone was different. Edgier as if her question was not a question, but a way of letting me know that she was watching me.

I laughed it off 'Oh I am a fabulous cook I guess' I replied lightly trying to make a joke of it. 'No, he's probably better than I am… I guess… we just 'clicked' that's all'

Amy looked up now, making eye contact for a moment and appearing to want to say more, but then simply asked me to carry some plates out to the table.

Dinner was a seamlessly conducted affair. We moved to the table and ate far too much delicious Italian food, made by Amy herself and we complimented her heartily for it.

'My God woman you can cook!' Seth beamed at her as he finished off his last forkful and sat back in his chair.

'My wife is exceptional in the kitchen…' Steve agreed '…and not just there' he smiled at Seth. 'Spare me buddy' Seth held up his hand. 'It's like hearing about your sister' I laughed at that. Amy looked a little put out. 'Well I'm certainly not your sister Sethy' she replied mildly flirtily.'

Steve laughed. Seth pulled a face at me while she wasn't looking.

She was looking a little tipsy now so I paid no attention to her, starting to work out that this sort of playful interaction was routine between her and Seth and she was merely becoming carried away.

'Can I get you anything else Sarah' Amy asked, starting to collect plates – I can see fat boy has a belly-full there already' she nodded at Seth. He smirked back at her.

'Oh no thank you, I'm totally full too. That was fantastic Amy, you're such an amazing cook'

She smiled 'Ah it's nothing, I enjoy it'.

'Well I have dessert for you guys too you know so, better take a breather and make some space'

'Oh' Steve groaned it's relentless – this onslaught of delights' He patted her behind and she squealed in response, making him laugh.

Seth put his arm around me 'You feeling ok baby' he murmured for my ears only. We touched our heads together momentarily and I nodded. He sneaked a kiss on my cheek. 'You warm enough?' He rubbed my bare arm, the warmth of his hand making my skin goose bump instantly. I had not realised until that point how cold my skin was.

Amy was watching us 'Oh Sarah, are you cold? Let me get you a blanket from inside' she said hurriedly getting up. 'Oh honestly, I am fine', I replied. 'Don't be silly, it's no trouble' she replied heading inside and returning a moment later with a cream cashmere blanket. Seth took it from her and wrapped it around my shoulders,

'There you go – snug as a bug' he grinned hugging me in it.

'So cute' Amy breathed observing us still.

'How long is it you two have been together now – you're still so in the honeymoon phase huh?'

'Uh well almost 3 months' Seth replied instantly.

'NO really?' She asked. That IS new. 'So we met you more or less immediately then Sarah?' I glanced at Seth briefly. 'I guess you did' I replied lightly, pretending it was not something I had thought about before.

'I wanted Sarah to meet you guys as soon as possible. I knew from the start that she was someone special' Seth smiled at me.

'So when exactly did you meet…?' she probed.

'Moonlight premiere' he replied simply. I sucked my breath slightly, starting to cringe as the details of our meeting were becoming closer to being revealed. I recalled the conversation I had had with Anna the night after I met Seth - even she found it rather hard to believe. Obviously her views had changed now but I still felt that Amy and Steve would perhaps be a little less accepting, especially in their apparent self-nominated roles as protectors of Seth's best interests. As kind as they were, I knew they were not my friends: they were Seth's and their interest in me ended without him.

Amy was quiet for a while.

'Were you in 'Moonight' then Sarah?' Steve asked reclining in his seat – probably the most relaxed of the four of us at that point, I doubted he had picked up on the nuances of this conversation at that stage.

'She was a guest' Seth answered for me.

'Oh right, who do you know, you must have some connections in Hollywood then?' he sounded genuinely interested.

'No, I was a guest of Anna Donnahey.' I replied.

'Oh the publicist girl?' He looked to Seth for confirmation.

'Yeah she was at our place when you met Sarah'

'Oh' he nodded.

'So Amy, what does a man have to do to get a bit of your pie huh?' Seth teased. It lifted the silence and moved the conversation on. I was so grateful for that. He squeezed my hand under the table, knowing I was cringing.

'Seth!' She exclaimed, loving his innuendo and blushing like a schoolgirl.

She returned with dessert and we all did our best to cram some more food in. I admitted defeat half way through mine and Steve gallantly offered to finish it.

I was helping Amy stack plates in the utility when Amy approached me in confiding tones.

'Sarah, I hope you don't mind me asking you something' she whispered. 'Do you guys have some news you want to tell us?'

My stomach lurched instantly.

'What kind of news?' I asked trying to sound neutral as possible, though my pulse rate was rising by the second.

'Oh don't pretend with me – women have a sixth sense about this stuff Sarah!'

Shit, shit, shit. I thought, where was Seth when I needed a distraction. I couldn't believe this 'sixth sense' crap. What did she know? I glanced out onto the terrace where Seth and Steve were standing by the edge laughing and smoking.

'You know…' she urged. I wasn't about to give her anything though.

'Oh, you mean are we getting married?' I asked knowing this was not what she was hoping for. 'No! No, not yet… maybe one day though' I laughed lightly hoping it would convince her.

'Actually, it was more the way Seth is being so caring with you… he's being so protective…. Plus I couldn't help but notice how you're not drinking… and uh, the hand on the tummy, honey – trust me, it's a dead giveaway…'

My face must have fallen. She knew. She said she had guessed.

'Women's intuition…' she offered when I remained silent.

'Please Amy' I began 'We don't want anyone knowing about this…' I began quietly.

'Oh my God' she gasped 'You ARE!' she touched my arm. 'You're actually pregnant!' she said triumphantly.

'Yes' I replied, equally as quietly.

'Oh congratulations!' She gushed and hugged me. As she did, I saw Seth had glanced in our direction, a small frown appearing on his face, before continuing with his conversation with Steve.

'So it's early days right?' She asked excitedly. 'When did you find out?…Was it planned?' she asked 'Shit, so many questions, Sorry' she smiled.

'It's ok' I smiled weakly.

'Gosh so… it must be only a month right? You guys only just met' she looked surprised again realising the maths.

'Uh actually it's a little bit more than that. I'm having a scan this week so we can be sure, but it's more like10 weeks'

'10 weeks?' She repeated.

'mm-hmm' I confirmed. There was silence for a second but she found her composure there and suddenly chirped.

'Can I please go hug Seth, this is just incredible… he won't be mad, it's only us!' Then she was gone without my answer – out onto the terrace where just beyond my earshot I watched as she stalked up to Seth and threw her arms around his neck, he stood frozen for a second as she filled him in and shortly after, he hugged her back. Steve also hugged him and shook his hand and Seth looked sheepishly at them as they beamed.

'Hey where is she?!' Steve hollered as they all looked back towards where I was standing in the doorway.

Seth looked at me apologetically as they called for me to come to them.

I stepped out and received hugs and kisses from Steve and Amy, feeling rather uneasy and self-conscious and yet rather important.

Seth was the last to hug me. He held one arm around me and grinned as Steve and Amy enthused about our news, admitting shyly that he was over the moon about it, gently placing a hand on my tummy. 'Oh God, it's too beautiful!' Amy exclaimed welling up. 'Oh you soppy thing' Steve exclaimed pulling her in for a hug.

'Seth you're finally growing up! You're going to be a Daddy!' she cooed.

'I know' he said quietly and kissed my head. 'I can't wait.'

I beamed as he did so, feeling more relaxed now we didn't have to pretend and proud that he was so open about his excitement.

'No wonder you aren't drinking' Steve added. 'Yeah, I know' I grimaced, it's one of those giveaway things – one day you're into the mojitos, the next you're asking for tonic… people must smell a rat'

'Gosh you guys, this is amazing, you've blown us away with that' Steve smiled.

'It's early days Steve' Seth added cautiously, 'No one is supposed to know about this… Sarah needs to have a scan and check she's ok so we really can't have this getting out there yet, you know?' He said seriously.

'Understood' Steve gestured a zipping motion across his mouth 'You're secret's safe with us, right sweetie?' He put an arm around Amy. 'Of course' she replied immediately.

Later on when Seth and I got home we sat in the den and lit the fire. Huddled on the sofa together staring into the glowing logs as we warmed our toes. Seth turned to me:

'How come you told Amy about the baby' he asked suddenly, quite thoughtfully.

'That's the thing…. I didn't' I replied ominously.

'Uh – what?'

'I know… she guessed' I replied, wide eyed.

'How do you guess that?' He said. We stared at each other looking clueless.

'She said it was the way you were taking care of me all the time, plus you're not smoking, I'm not drinking and she said she saw me putting my hand on my tummy and that clinched it'

He smirked a little.

'Really? That's how she worked it out?'

'Women's intuition, she said' I shrugged.

'Ah well' he sighed 'guess we're subtle as bricks huh?!' He grinned.

'I didn't even know I put my hand there' I said looking at him with surprise.

'Oh actually you do – I saw you the other day' he confirmed.

'God I didn't know!' I smiled doing it then consciously.

'Made me smile when I saw you' he said happily.

'Why's that?' I asked

'I don't know, just made me feel happy… kind of like you were protecting the baby' he shrugged.

I hugged his neck and he put his arms around my middle.

'I just want to wrap you up and take care of you both' Seth said quietly - almost a mutter. to himself.

I smiled at him. 'You're too sweet and I love you for it' I said 'Were you always like this?'

'I don't think so' he laughed. 'I was edgy once!'

'I'm going to stop putting sugar in your coffee 'cos you're sweet enough!' We laughed at that and then I slid back so I was laying on the sofa with Seth on his side looking down at me. I took his hand and rested it on my tummy and he stroked it very gently and slowly before bending to kiss me there. I touched his hair as he did so feeling a wave of happiness and love. I loved him so much and having him kiss me there, knowing our baby was inside me and he wanted it so much made me feel such completeness. For the first time in my life, I was feeling really confident. Seth had convinced me that he loved me and wanted me. He had even inspired me to believe in myself, and I knew I had brought him the happiness he had longed for too.

'I love you so much' I said softly, physically feeling it inside me. 'I know' he replied. 'You know I love you too'. He smiled, looking into my eyes.

'I feel like I can do anything when I'm with you' I said touching his cheek. 'You CAN do anything – anything you want… you just have to want things enough.'

'You think that's true? Always? Or is that something you feel just when you're happy and strong?' He looked at me for a moment. 'I believe it's true… you have to believe in yourself because there is nothing else to dictate it.'

'…But there are other people…. And circumstances…' I said doubtfully.

Seth shook his head '…but still you can do things to change your situation. I don't believe in fate, just choices.'

'I think when we met it was fate' I replied with a smile.

'Ah… well you got me there… maybe that was the one and only time when fate existed' he smiled. 'I can't deny it felt like magic – and I don't even believe in magic!' he laughed.

'It reminds me of that song when I think about the night we met' I said thoughtfully "The first time ever I saw your face" do you know it?

'Yeah – …_I thought the sun rose in your eyes_' he sang. I smiled

'Sing more to me' I commanded holding his hands

'_The first time, ever I kissed your mouth, and felt your heart beat close to mine_' he was acting out the lyrics now with actions to make me laugh, touching my lips then my chest.

'…_and I knew our joy would fill the earth, and last 'til the end of time, my love_' I grinned when he finished. He knew I loved him singing to me and he had brought tears to my eyes, partly from laughter but partly because the lyrics were so poignant to us.

'Now who's soppy?!' He said softly, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.

Seth lay down beside me then and I held his head against my chest, my lips touching his hair so it tickled them and I breathed the sweet smell of comfort I had in him. I closed my eyes.

Thanks so much for reading so far. This may all seem too good to be true, but there's plenty more to run on this story so please don't be overwhelmed by the cute fluffy stuff... although this is a Romance ;)

Sorry for the delay in updating, the story is all written I am just proof reading as I go along and I have newborn twins right now so sometimes I am too busy!


	8. Chapter 8

A few days later, we arrived at the private clinic where Seth was registered for medical care. I was to attend an appointment to check on the baby's health and mine. We were nervously excited about it. I was on edge due to having to keep my bladder full for the scan to be as clear as possible.

'Do NOT make me laugh' I warned Seth as he drove into the parking lot.

'Oh yeah? Getting desperate now huh?' he grinned, glancing across at me.

'Just a bit' I fidgeted in my seat. 'Geez I'm glad this is you not me' he rolled his eyes. 'Thanks very much!' I shook my head at him.

He smiled and touched my leg momentarily to let me know he was joking. 'I just meant you'll handle this so much better than I would.'

We didn't have to wait our turn like a standard doctors surgery. The receptionist knew Seth by first name terms and she also knew mine. She led us straight through to a large doctor's office with an examination section leading off it. We sat and were joined almost immediately by Seth's physician who again greeted him by first name.

'Daniel, good to see you' Seth shook his hand and introduced him to me.

'Pleasure to meet you Sarah'

'How's the throat Seth?' he asked as we all sat again. 'Good actually – no problems after I saw you last'

'That's great… So I hear we have some happy news?' he looked to me then back to Seth.

'Yeah we do' Seth smiled at me and 'We think Sarah's pregnant by a couple of months'

'Wonderful. So Sarah, how are you feeling? Generally well? Any problems you know of?'

'No problems I don't think…. I was pretty sick a week or so ago… that was when we found out. I'm ok now… just get a bit tired in the afternoons and I get really hungry sometimes, then dizzy suddenly.'

'All very normal in the early days' he said warmly, giving me a reassuring smile.

'So I need you to give me some details and dates of your cycle, any medication you have been on or are taking now. I know you're probably pretty keen to get the ultrasound done so we can do the notes after if you want to come over to the bed next door' he gestured to the examination room.

Seth's face was a picture when Dr Daniel had located the baby's heartbeat and pointed out what we were seeing on the screen. His jaw actually dropped and it made me smile because I had never seen that reaction in someone before. The relief of seeing this image on screen – a tiny moving object, which was hard to make out as being a baby, accompanied by a thumping little heartbeat was immense.

'You ok?' I asked glancing across at Seth, who was still hypnotised by the screen.

'Wha-…? Um yeah' he finally stammered gripping my hand tightly.

'Amazing sight isn't it?' Daniel said with a kind smile.

'It's very strange' I replied, laughing nervously, 'it doesn't seem like it's coming from me – but I know it is!'

Seth was still quiet.

'Seth?' I said, attempting to wake him from his daze.

He seemed to start and finally looked at me.

'You alright?' I asked as we made eye contact.

He smiled slowly and nodded; then reached for my face and kissed me.

'Everything is looking fine' Daniel continued.

'That...That's our baby' Seth said finally. Then beamed at us.

'And that's a great reaction' Daniel smiled at us.

Seth laughed as he realised what he had been behaving like.

'Sorry I just got caught up in it all… it is just amazing.' he stammered

'It is amazing, but I still need to pee… really, really badly!' I groaned.

'Ok, up you get, we're done' Daniel said removing the equipment he was using and switching it off. '

Turn right down the hall' he called after me as I leapt up and headed for the door.

We remained with Daniel for another half an hour or so going through my medical history and registering me at the centre for future treatment.

He shook our hands and walked us to the exit.

In the car I turned to look at Seth.

He noticed after a while and glanced at me.

'What?' he smirked and turned back to the road.

I grinned cheekily.

'You were so funny in there' I giggled.

He shook his head and smiled.

'I just didn't expect you to be like that, Mr Cool' I teased.

'Who says I am Mr Cool?'

'Everybody' I smiled and ran my hand down his thigh.

'It just took my breath away, that's all….' He said shyly, almost a pout followed.

I laughed out loud. 'You are so cute – they don't get to see you like I do' I said proudly, meaning the rest of the world. He gave me a little grin.

'Yeah well keep it as your secret then… I have a 'cool' image to keep up apparently'

'I love keeping your secrets' I replied flirtily.

He put his hand on mine for a moment before returning it to the steering wheel.

'Are you coming with me or do you want to go home now?'

He asked.

'Uh, can you take me home, I'm going to do some practice now'

'Wow – so motivated' he raised his eyebrows.

'I keep dreaming about music at the moment' I replied.

I wake up with songs going through my head.'

'I keep hearing you humming to yourself too' he laughed.

'I can't help it…'

'Ron's going to be pleased… you know he asked me the other day if I thought you would want to perform anywhere…'

'What?' I surprised myself with the abruptness of my reply.

'Don't panic, you don't have to… he just has these songs you recorded and he thinks you should be marketed'

'Oh God… what?…. Marketed? Me?'

'Yes YOU! What's so odd about that…. You're a fantastic singer, you're beautiful, you'd be perfect on screen.'

'On screen?'

'Stop repeating after me and being so shocked… just think about it'

'But I…that's crazy..'

'Uh' he interrupted me abruptly. 'Enough of that protestation… unless you really don't want to do this?'

I didn't reply but gave him a little twisted grin.

'I'll think about it'. I said.

'Good girl' he said cheekily.

'Oi' I jabbed his arm and he laughed at me.

When Seth got in later that evening I was standing in the kitchen, making dinner for us listening to Louis Armstrong. I had practiced my singing and piano for a couple of hours, then slept for an hour with Chester beside me. After that I decided to cook for Seth and inject a little normality into our existence.

'Heeey good-lookin'' he called as he walked in with the usual bunch of papers. 'Whatchya got cookin'?'

'Hey you' I replied with a smile but continued with my chopping. I was cutting up lamb for a Moroccan dish I had learned when I travelled there with a friend a few years before.

'Mmm' I murmured when he stood behind me with his arms around my waist. He kissed my cheek and held me.

'Just making dinner for my man' I replied.

'Wow – no one has ever done that for me before!' he grinned

'You're kidding me?'

'Nope' he sighed, 'I guess I've been dating the wrong kind of women...But it feels good, this is a beautiful scene to me!'

'Oh, I really have to do some work with you… life is not all posh restaurants and chat shows and award ceremonies you know' I joked, 'Sometimes it's a night at home with a meal made by your woman – hey I should make you wash up for the full 'normal' experience!'

'That would be taking it too far…' he smirked. 'I'd load the dishwasher but that's it….So where's my pipe and slippers huh? I don't see them waiting by the fire!'

I laughed at him.

'Oh perfect' he exclaimed 'Look at this' – gesturing that he had noticed I was standing in bare feet, '- I come home from work and you're standing pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen!' We both laughed recognising the metaphor.

'We've really got it sussed Seth.' i laughed.

'Yeah domestic bliss right here' he replied happily and hugged me tighter.

'Ok so, you're getting in my way now ' I said shrugging him off. 'Go and find your own pipe and slippers while I finish cooking'

'Yes Miss!' he replied and strode off to his office with the papers he brought home. I smiled as he walked away.

We sat down outside again as summer was just about hanging on and the evening air warm enough. It was dark so I lit a few candles and Seth flicked on the pool lighting beside us, which reflected shimmering water shadows across the table and the wall of the house beside us.

'Feeling good about the scan today then?' he asked munching on his food.

'Mmm-hmm' I nodded. 'It was sort of freaky, and reassuring at the same time'. He nodded agreement. 'This is really good by the way Honey.' He pointed at the food with his fork. I smiled at him.

'It's another world going to the doctors here though' I continued.

'How do you mean, LA doctors are different?'

'No, I don't suppose they are if you're a normal person in a clinic, but that place was something else. More like a space age hotel - except they examine you'

He laughed at that. 'Maybe they _would_ examine you in a space age hotel, though I am certain it would be a terrible experience' he smiled.

'It is the very best medical care out here anyway …so why not?' he shrugged. 'Plus, I wouldn't be able to go to a normal clinic anyway. I wouldn't get any privacy'

'True… Still weird though… Weird, but good. I know I'm lucky to be going there.'

'You deserve the best' he replied factually.

'You're over the shock then?' I looked up at him from my food - he did the same.

'Yeah I am now. It wasn't shock, so much as amazement… I don't know that I thought about it before we went in there. You know, I was aware you're pregnant but to see a baby and a heartbeat… made it all real… in a good way' he smiled.

'Makes me feel, kind of impatient…Like I want to meet this person. I want your belly to grow and show it'. I smiled as I listened and looked down at my tummy.

'It might be this dinner, but it's not as flat as it used to be!' I rubbed it and he tried to look around the table to see but couldn't because I was sitting.

'Really? Let me see this' he stopped eating and gestured to me to stand.

I got up and stood side on to him smoothing the material of the top I was wearing, over a tiny little bump in my stomach.

'Oh yeah!' He reached out and touched it.

'I think you might just have a baby dinner on board there' he laughed.

'You don't seem to get sick anymore, maybe it's over now'

He said as I sat down again.

'I hope so, that was not good!'

'Hmm, I can see that' he nodded. 'Not exactly relaxing to suddenly have to run and puke all the time'.

'I actually feel quite, well, _normal_ really'

'You don't feel anything in there, kind of moving around?'

'No... what did he say though, probably I will do, like butterflies or something, in the next few weeks'

'You've got to tell me when you feel it' he said excitedly.

I smiled fondly at him, he seemed so boyish when he said it.

'I will.' I touched his hand.

'Hey I almost forgot! He exclaimed suddenly. 'We got a gift today'.

'What kind of gift?'

'It's from Amy and Steve… I think they're really excited for us… it's for you really… has all this mommy pampering stuff in it and a little white teddy bear, it's in the car.'

I smiled. 'That's so sweet of them… how quick as well? We only told them last night'

'Yeah, they're good people… it turned up as I was leaving tonight.'

'Ooh let me see!' I said excitedly 'Me, me, me, I want my present'

He laughed at my excitement. I loved surprise gifts and couldn't hide it.

He had finished his food, so got up and went back out to the car to bring it to me.

He placed the large square white box on the table in front of us and lifted the lid off for me. Inside was a perfectly presented array of little bottles and tubes cosmetic creams and oil and the tiny white bear with piercing blue eyes in the centre of the box. The card inside read: "All our love to you both at this precious time. Take care of yourself Sarah! Love Amy and Steve XXX"

'Daddy's little contribution' Seth read out the label on one of the bottles. 'That's hilarious! I thought Daddy had already made his little contribution – that's how we got here!'

I laughed 'What _is_ that?' I asked reaching over to turn the bottle in his hand.

'It says I have to massage your 'baby bump' daily with this stuff to help preserve the condition of mommy's skin and to help Daddy bond with his little one.' He smiled cheekily as he read it.

'Don't you say it now –' I warned, seeing his grin, knowing what he was going to say, but he went ahead. 'Daddy has NOT got a little one'

'Seth – so bloody predictable!' I shouted.

'You love me – you love my stupid jokes' he retorted with a grin.

'You're so sad' I scolded. 'It's like living in a Carry On film with you!'

He laughed proudly and placed the bottle back inside the white box.

'So I want to get to work on this right away' he announced earnestly watching me as I picked up another of the small bottles inside and read the label.

'Hmm?' I murmured not really listening.

'Daddy's little contribution – I want to do the massage thing'

I looked at him, bemused.

'You think it's worth it yet? I mean we can't even find the baby bump yet!'

'Yeah, I want to do this thing, come on!' He said keenly.

'Not yet – my dinner – you'll make me sick if you start massaging me now.'

'True… ok so I'll do it in the morning then'

'Alright…. I would never turn down a massage – it's normally me doing you so it'll make a change. Can you do the shoulders too?'

'Yeah, I'm going to use my magic hands on you' he winked and grinned.

'Shall we go in now, it's getting cold' I said drawing my arms around myself.

'Sure – you go, I'll get this stuff in'

Once inside I started clearing away the mess from preparing dinner, stacking up the dirty pans and bowls. Suddenly I felt a strange sensation inside me. A light tickling sensation, not painful, just feint movement. Then it stopped. I instinctively lay my hand on my tummy and froze, waiting to see if it was a one-off, or if it would happen again. Seth came inside with the plates in one hand and the box in the other and saw me standing stock still by the sink.

'You ok?'

'Er – yes' Then it happened again 'ooh' I yelped in surprise.

'What?' he instantly put down the plates and box and came over to me.

'What's up' he looked concerned and put a hand on my shoulder.

'I think it moved! I think I felt something!'

'Well – are you sure…? what did it feel like?' he asked bending down so his face was level with mine.

'Like a flutter… not like anything else I've felt before'

'ok.. so you're definitely ok then? It's not a bad feeling, you're not in pain?'

'No – no, it's… it's fine' I replied concentrating on what I was feeling.

'Is it still happening?'

'On and off' I smiled slowly as I felt it again. 'It's moving' I grabbed his hands and held them against me and we both smiled.

'I don't think I feel anything' he replied after we stood for a minute or two.

'I can't feel it with my hands but I can feel it inside me' .

'I guess he knew we were talking about him back then huh?'

'Or she' I corrected him with a smile.

'What timing this child has' he laughed.

'Obviously a performer like it's Dad eh?' I smiled.

'It's going away a bit now… wonder how often it will happen?'

He shrugged and put his arms around my waist, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

'Let's leave all this crap, I just want to be with you now' he said softly.

I raised an eyebrow, cheekily, checking what he meant.

'I want to hug you actually' he pouted '…but as ever, I'm open to suggestions'.

'Hug would be lovely'. I replied with a grin, tapping him on the nose with my finger.

We settled ourselves upstairs on the bed and I dozed against Seth's chest, whilst he watched TV and flicked through his book, giving neither much attention. He had only just put down the book and drawn his arms around me seeming to want to drift off to sleep with me when his phone buzzed on the nightstand. He reached over and peered at the screen.

'Yeah' he answered in a sleepy voice. I didn't open my eyes, just listened from where I lay with my head on his chest.

He groaned angrily as he listened to the caller and sighed, then held the phone away in his hand before turning to me to lift me off him and paced away into the bathroom where he shut the door.

I could still hear him in there and he sounded angry.

'What the fuck?! What is going on here….' I opened my eyes and felt wide-awake in an instant. My heart started to race as I realised that something was clearly upsetting him quite a lot.

'No I have no idea how they know – or why… yes it's true… yes she is... but she's sleeping, I don't want to disturb her, she's tired.' Silence for a while and I strained my ears waiting for the next time he spoke.

'Peter, can you just fuckin' help me here, I don't even know what to do but this was NOT supposed to happen – you tell me what do I do now?'

I sat up in the bed and rubbed my face, waiting for the call to end so I could finally find out what was so wrong.

'Yeah fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow'

There was a long pause between his last sentence and him finally opening the door to the bedroom again.

When I heard him open door, he did so carefully, presumably thinking he would find me still asleep on the bed.

'What's happened' I asked in the darkness. My voice seemed to startle him and he looked up suddenly with widened eyes as he came into the room.

'Shit, I woke you didn't I?' he said quietly. He looked sorrowful, but I knew this was not due to knowing he had woken me.

'Uh.' He sighed hard, coming to sit on the side of the bed next to me and hanging his head.

'Peter called to say that there have been calls to the office asking if it's true that we're having a baby' he said grimly.

'Apparently a gossip site has printed a thing saying 'a source' saw us at the clinic and we were there for a scan.' He sighed hard again and raised his hand to his mouth then rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Finally he looked up and made eye contact with me.

'I just don't know how….' He stopped mid sentence seeming to look to me for inspiration. I reached out and gripped his upper arm.

I shook my head and sighed too.

'I didn't want anyone to know…' I said sadly and quietly, not looking at him and he said nothing in reply.

'What are you thinking?' I asked when he didn't speak of his own accord.

He put his hand over mine.

'I'm thinking I feel like someone is trying to wind me up here… and I don't know why.'

'Why would anyone want to do that?'

He shrugged.

'Who knows… I guess everyone has enemies… though no one springs to mind' He paused again seeming to be thinking deeply.

'It's subtle though, I'll give them that. I mean these things aren't damaging exactly… they're just intrusive… and whoever is doing this knows that's exactly what stresses me out…. And it's fucking working.'

I remained silent, my heart and thoughts racing. I suddenly felt insecure… felt as though someone had pulled a rug from under my feet. I thought Seth would be able to take care of me and protect me no matter what. I thought he was in control and I liked that thought. I trusted that he was in control and he could handle anything. Suddenly he looked as lost as I was and I didn't know whether to comfort him or leave him be. I didn't know if anything I could say or do could help. I felt afraid for the first time in the life I was living with Seth and that fear spread steadily into questioning everything about us all over again.

I could see how angry Seth was, and I knew it wasn't with me but I still felt unable to reach out to him. So many times I went to speak but changed my mind, preferring to say nothing than make things worse. Seth seemed distant. He remained silent despite sitting beside me. He appeared to be lost in thought, he was motionless and his eyes remained fixed to the floor. I felt lonely and isolated in that moment before angrily pushing the thought away. Hating myself for it, but still wondering if in some small way it was justified.

Eventually he looked up. 'You need to sleep honey, you have to think of the baby, you mustn't be tired or stressed… come on' He gestured to me to lay back down and I complied, he pulled the covers over me and kissed my cheek as if he were putting a small child to bed. He paused, looking down at me, resting on his hands, pressed either side of me as I lay in the bed.

'Close your eyes and sleep' he whispered.

I wondered how it was that the conversation had stopped dead and how he had decided to end it without consulting me. Somehow he had managed to withdraw himself from my reach, I felt unable to ask him anything and I could not put my finger on why that was. I realised he was probably trying to put me first, but in doing so he also pushed me away without even realising.

He left the room silently and I lay frozen in the bed. Wondering why he wanted to be away from me at a time like this. Preferring to confront his anger alone than to share his feelings with me. Maybe he was still protecting me and this was his way of doing so.

I felt a lump in my throat and wanted to cry but was too numb to make it happen. I thought about getting up to find him, thought about going downstairs to see him sitting by himself and putting my arms around him to remind him that I was there to care for him as I had said, but somehow I felt he did not want that, and it scared me.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I was aware of was Seth's raised voice on the phone again and daylight was creeping around the edge of the drapes. I felt dazed but was able to make out parts of what he was saying.

'Ten weeks….. Because it's early days and I don't want to stress her out… she's fine… because if this goes on it's going to upset her… ok, ok I'm trying, just make it fucking stop.' The call ended and I heard him on the stairs.

He came into the room, still dressed from the night before.

'Seth' I said quietly as he entered the room.

'You're awake' he said wearily and came over to me.

'Come here' I beckoned to him as he had stopped short of the bed seeming unsure as to whether to sit down or not.

He sat at the edge of the bed as he had done the night before. His posture was rounded and his head bowed forward, I could see from his eyes that he had been awake all night.

I reached for his hand, which hung droopily across one thigh and held it.

'Where have you been, I missed you' I whispered and touched his cheek gently. 'Thinking' he replied with a shrug. 'What about?' I asked, knowing already but trying to encourage him to let me in. I was surprised when he replied 'Everything actually' as he got up from the bed again and walking to the window letting my hand fall away carelessly. I felt hurt by that.

'Who do you trust….?' He said suddenly in a soft voice.

'How do you know…. I mean, _really know_ that someone is real and being honest with you?'

I was taken aback but answered instinctively despite wondering immediately who he was referring to. I have never heard this attitude before. He sounded like someone else.

'You get a feeling I suppose…' I replied, trying to prevent the tone of my voice from giving away my rising fear.

'But how do you know if you're reading of a situation is right?' he continued, whilst still looking out of the window.

'You don't… but as you said to me, you just have to believe in yourself, there's no other control'

He turned to face me suddenly, still standing by the windows. He was a silhouette, but his eyes were piercing and fixed on me on confrontation.

'Do you love me Sarah? …I mean, is this for real... are you for real?' he said very plainly and looked me in the eyes.

It hit me like a punch in the face. I was stunned.

'Seth!' I sobbed, completely taken aback. His words felt like they cut my throat.

Tears welled up in my eyes instantly and tumbled down my cheeks as I realised he had been talking about whether he trusted me.

His face melted when he saw me. He seemed to realise what he done in an instant and the regret was obvious.

'Shit, I'm so sorry' he rushed to me and lay down bedside me pulling me close. As I sobbed he held me tightly and whispered 'I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry' several times over, my whole body seemed to lurch with my crying and he held me tightly as if to try to contain the sobbing from escaping me. I quietened eventually. I shook my head when he held me at arms length to look at me.

'Don't you ever ask me that again' I whispered. 'I never want to hear you say that again'. He bit his lip and then pulled my head to his chest again as I recovered my breathing. My heart was aching and I felt sick. He had doubted me, and now he had made that clear with one short sentance.

'I don't know why I said it… he continued frantically, I know the answer. I know you love me, I'm just going crazy right now' his voice was desperate and he sounded afraid. His grip was so tight on me I found it hard to breath so I pushed him back with the flat of my hand. He seemed stunned by it and searched my eyes to understand what it meant.

'Where did that come from?' I asked quietly, still feeling shaky and churned up. He shook his head and buried his face in both hands, as we lay back down side by side. I left him like that and heard him taking deep breaths.

'I hate myself for saying that. It just came out…. Peter put some doubt in my mind and asked me what exactly I knew about you. He made me mad and I told him I didn't like what he was implying by asking…. Then I sat downstairs on my own and my mind was going to all kinds of dark places.' He took his hands away from his face at last and his cheeks were flushed, his eyes watery.

'One comment from Peter can make you say this?' I asked incredulously. Still lying on my back not looking towards him as I spoke. I hugged my tummy with both hands. 'After all we've felt and said to each other, ONE thing someone says makes you doubt such a fundamental feeling?' I glanced at him waiting for a response.

He was shaking his head as I spoke. I knew I was rubbing it in, I knew how awful he felt and the look on his face made me want put my arms around him but I wouldn't let myself.

'I…I know… I just can't apologise enough to you. I'm a complete asshole, I just hope you can forgive me for being so weak'.

I paused a while, leaving his comment floating in mid air. Not yet ready to acknowledge forgiveness, though in my heart I already had and so desperately wanted him to know and feel better.

Something made me want to understand more though. It seemed too simple-minded for Seth to have been swayed by one comment. He was such a strong-minded person with a very clear understanding of his own thoughts and feelings. It just didn't add up.

'You literally stayed awake ALL night?' I asked. 'On your own?'

He thought for a while. 'No. not all night . After Peter, I called to speak to Steve. Just to get my head straight. Ask him what he thought about this. He always knows what to say to me… only, he wasn't there… just Amy.'

'You spoke to Amy?' I asked allowing a mild tone of annoyance to creep in.

'Yes. She … she was pretty kind actually… she just listened to me and told me she was there for me no matter what happened' I felt a pang of jealously that when Seth had left me alone in the bed and walked away, he felt able to talk to her and not me. I wondered what she was implying when she said 'no matter what' He did not seem to see that there might be a problem with that. That she had insinuated our relationship might not be so stable in doing so.

'Did she ask about me?' I dug further.

'She said she'd be happy to talk to you too if you needed it. Said she might come over for a chat if you wanted'

'She did?' I was surprised and wondered if I had underestimated her. She was behaving like an angel being so available and helpful to us.

'Sarah' he turned to me suddenly and reached out to me.

'I can bear this, I need to know you're ok and you forgive me. I need you to know I love you and I'm sorry… I'm so sorry' his voice drifted into a whisper as he held both of my hands and looked me right in the eyes, frowning painfully.

'I just… find it hard to trust people and I feel like I've let that get out of hand here. I'm just tired and paranoid. I've never once doubted you, you never gave me any reason to and now I've ruined things by being stupid. I've broken your trust in me and even if you do forgive me, believe me I will never ever forgive myself for hurting you.'

My resolve was shattered. What he said was so perfect. He was so earnest and desperate, the pain in his eyes bore into my chest and my heart ached to comfort him.

I held open my arms to him and he buried his face in my neck. I held his head there and kissed his hair. He kissed my neck and I shivered inappropriately - my body reacting to his touch automatically despite the moment being completely emotional not sexual. I shifted down to bring our faces level and we lay on our sides looking into each other eyes, our arms around each other for so long I lost focus.

'I'll always love you and be faithful to you' I said firmly. 'That's something that won't ever change for me'.

He nodded sullenly. Understanding the extent of what that meant, before very slowly and carefully leaning in to kiss my lips.

The contact was charged and felt sensitive and powerful. Like the first touch of our hands and the first time our eyes met. I didn't expect it at all. Our lips parted from each other as softly as they had met, but a powerful instinct made me return to him quickly and I felt him melt against me, exhaling hard as he deepened the kiss. I felt bewildered as I realised that in that instant, the tension between us had escalated to a level which was almost breath taking…. Our bodies automatically seemed to want to erase our pain, by bonding us through affection. Our kissing became more intense and we tore at each other's clothing, desperate to reassure one another and release the emotional energy, which welled and poured from us uncontrollably. Thoughts and fears of being gentle were pointless. We needed each other and nothing else seemed to matter but speed and depth. I couldn't tell if we were making love or diffusing tension but it was rough and passionate, hard and fast and never deep enough. It hurt me but I did not care - allowing tears to roll down my cheeks as it went on. He knew and saw me, but let me cry because he understood I needed to.

I lost track of time, my head spun and thoughts rushed through my mind wildly. Our sex was extensive and furious but ended in exhaustion without orgasm for either of us. We lay together breathing hard once it ended and clung to each other in desperate need to maintain our connection. We must have lay that way for an hour or more, clothes half on half off, not speaking, just holding each other neither wanting to part.

Suddenly I began to feel dizzy and nauseous and attempted to breathe deeply to dissipate it. I held my stomach and groaned feeling churning rising within me.

'No' I whimpered. Feeling a wave of heat rise into my head and my face became clammy.

'Baby are you ok?' he asked leaning to look at me, I shook my head, but then instantly knew I was going to be sick. I rolled off the bed and rushed to the bathroom feeling my stomach lurch and my throat begin to burn with acid. I threw up holding on to the toilet seat for support and felt my stomach cramping in waves. Tears filled my eyes again and I allowed myself to sink to the floor.

Seth came in to find me slumped there and groaned in pity when he saw me. Joining me where I sat and gathering me in his arms until I pulled away to be sick again. He held me as I did, telling me I would be ok and rubbing my back gently. When the sickness stopped, I was exhausted and he lifted me to my feet and helped me to wash and dry my face, then held me up as I brushed my teeth. He stooped to pick me up and carried me back to the bed where I lay back down and he covered me up. My stomach burned and felt tender, as though I had pulled muscles there.

'How are you feeling?' he asked softly leaning close to my face as he knelt on the floor beside the bed.

'Sore' I replied weakly.

'Where?'

I gestured my tummy and left my hand pressed there.

He shook his head sadly. 'You have to rest now. This is all my fault, but I'm going to take care of you. I'm calling the doctor'

The doctor arrived within an hour and examined me fully, listening to my heart, taking blood pressure, temperature and listened for the baby's heartbeat.

He told me the cramping was probably related to the sickness but that I should take notice only if it kept happening over the next few days. He decided sickness was merely a return of morning sickness, and concluded that all was in order otherwise, but that I was to rest for that day and try to relax as much as possible and avoid stress from now on…

Seth re-entered the room as Daniel was packing up his bag. He looked calmer but exhausted and after he had let Daniel out, he came back and flopped down beside me on the bed, laying flat on his tummy, his head turned to the side towards me. I stroked his hair softly and he closed his eyes. I continued to stroke his hair and his neck until I became aware that he had slipped into sleep, breathing deeply with an occasional deep sigh.

I watched him for a while. Wondering momentarily how the hell I had ended up were I was right then: Beside Seth, watching as he slept, his partner, his lover but questioning if I knew him completely or not at all: I feared the latter and could not help myself thinking that things would probably be very different between us now, perhaps we would not even be together at all if our child was not growing inside me…

Sorry for the delays. Having problems with my log in and keep losing changes. I hope you're sticking with me. Quite a bit of this still to unfold...


	9. Chapter 9

Seth continued to sleep soundly and so I got up at around 5pm to make myself a drink, leaving him peacefully upstairs.

I fed Chester and he trotted outside immediately afterwards and sat in the garden watching some birds. It was an unusually grey day for Los Angeles. The permanent sunshine, merely a myth today, as it looked like it might rain instead.

I felt tension in my throat and tried to breathe deeply and relax as the doctor instructed but I felt so on edge.

I made some tea and toast and sat down at the table. Half way through heard the gate buzzer go off and so made my way to the screen by the front door to see who was waiting there. I knew before I even heard on the intercom that it was Amy in the waiting car.

'Amy, Hi. I'm letting you in' I said into the speaker. I saw her wave in acknowledgement on the screen and as the gates began to move, her car slowly crept forward to enter the driveway.

I opened the front door as she parked in front of the house and got out.

'Amy… I didn't know you were coming…'

'Oh sweetie, sorry, I am here unannounced…. I just wanted to check everything was alright.' She had reached me at the door now and stood forward to embrace me. 'Come here my darling' She said and pulled an arm around my shoulders. I let her hug me but felt slightly odd that she had turned up at all, never mind in the aftermath of the events of the last few hours.

'Where's Seth?' She asked immediately as I stepped aside for her to enter the house.

'Seth's sleeping…' I said in a hushed voice. 'He had a rough night and he's kind of passed out now… I don't want to wake him… he needs to sleep. You don't mind do you?'

'Oh poor darling… not at all.'

'Tea?' I asked as we walked through to the kitchen area where my toast had gone cold.

'I'd love one thanks' She replied, equally hushed but brighter than my tone. Like she were addressing a kindergarten class.

'Don't let me interrupt your toast though… I know you have to keep your strength up' she winked.

'No, it's fine… I'm not too hungry anyway. Morning sickness is back'

'Oh I see' she rolled her eyes.

I set about making more tea for her.

'So what brings you here?' I asked not looking up – realising it might have been rather direct, but not really caring about subtleties of politeness after the day I had.

'Well to be honest sweetie, I talked to Seth late last night and after the way he sounded I kind of thought he might need to talk again…'

'He mentioned he'd spoken to you' I said neutrally.

'Everything's… ok... between you then?' She asked tentatively.

'We're fine' I replied equally neutrally. I returned to the table and placed the cup of tea down in front of her.

'Thanks' she replied eyeing me carefully. I did not make eye contact with her.

'Need to talk about anything sweetie?' she asked with deliberate irony.

I sighed. 'Seth told you about the calls to Peter?' I asked, finally making eye contact.

'Yes he did'.

'So now we know it's public about my pregnancy… which we didn't want at all' I said flatly.

'Yes' she replied. 'Must be pretty unsettling for you… what with people knowing especially after that bad story about you last week…' her eyes were wide and she maintained a confiding tone which sounded forced so I was not entirely comfortable with it.

'It's not that exactly Amy… it's not ideal that people know about it – it's private after all… it's just… it's stressing Seth out because he feels like someone is trying to stir him up deliberately by talking about him when it's obviously something he hates … you know how much he likes to maintain his privacy…? He's really freaked out because he doesn't know where this information is coming from and it must be someone close to him or else how would they know'.

'Poor Seth… he was sounding wretched last night on the phone… did he, talk to you about it?' She asked tentatively.

'Not exactly' I confessed. 'We kind of fell out a bit'

'Oh honey – no!' She gushed, reaching for my arm.

'Why is that – it's not like Seth, he's so sweet to you… what got into him?'

I shook my head and took a sip of tepid tea, holding back a shudder, as it was revolting to me now.

'It's sorted now.' I summarised 'He just got it into his head that he couldn't trust anybody and for a moment it included me' I said quietly. 'He was devastated that he upset me.'

'OH Sarah! I'm so sorry this happened… you must feel awful… how stressful for you. Sometimes Sethy gets into this spiral of thinking and he gets carried away with it… he just needs someone else to take control and show him what he really wants.'

I stared at her for a moment, not recognising her summary of Seth's character, as I knew him. I bristled slightly with discomfort. I hated her calling him 'Sethy' too - it irritated me. It wasn't said in the same way as Matt, where it was used more as a joke. The way Amy used it, it seemed patronizing and in some ways dominant; a way of belittling him in a subtle sort of way and I hated that.

'So are you ok now… I mean, him getting stressed must affect you… it's probably bad for the baby isn't it?' she asked.

'Yes… but I've had a check up today and everything's fine. I just have to monitor some cramps I've been getting. He said it's probably just from the sickness.'

'Ah.' She replied raising her eyebrows.

'By the way Amy' I chipped up brightly, trying to change the mood, 'Thank you so much for the gift you sent' I smiled broadly, trying to be enthusiastic, because it was a lovely gesture after all.

'That's our pleasure Sarah… we're so happy for you… it's a shock, of course' she added rather awkwardly, 'but you know, we just wanted you both to understand we're there for you'

'That's kind' I replied.

She sighed.

'When I found out I couldn't have kids it was a horrible time…' she began wistfully. 'I thought I'd never get over the shock, especially after losing a child just before'

I listened intently. She was delivering information as if I knew it already but this was news to me. I let her continue, as she seemed to have gone into her own world.

'I think it's hard on Steve, he wants kids so badly and now I can't give him that. I couldn't talk to him about it at the time, too painful, too close. Seth was wonderful… he was such a good listener back then, so generous with his time….' She stared out into the garden. 'He's a wonderful man, you're so lucky…' She stopped and seemed to flick modes after realising she had let herself drift into something she was not entirely comfortable with.

'Anyway' she continued brightly 'I saw that gift and I just had to get it for you… people always give to the baby and but everyone forgets about what the mommy is going through.' She smiled weakly.

'Well thanks' I said again. 'Seth is going to do the massage thing on my belly… he's so excited, he really can't wait for the baby.'

I watched her face as I said it. I wasn't sure why, but somehow I felt as though I needed to assert to her that things were fine between Seth and I, and I noted that she didn't smile back as she replied. 'Of course. He would make such a wonderful father'

'Yes, he _will _do' I replied.

'So how's your music going?' Amy asked after a pause. 'Plans have probably changed now you're expecting haven't they?'

'Oh, well a little delay, but Seth still wants me to continue with the idea of having a career in music… He's really been encouraging me. I'm practicing a lot, and for the time being, there's nothing to stop me recording material. It's just the performing and publicity that we're trying to work out. Ron and Seth have been so enthusiastic about my singing though' I said proudly, 'They're so supportive too. They're just not sure how to market me yet…'

'Oh really?' she asked with widened eyes.

'I wanted a singing career once' she said wistfully, 'I guess I didn't have that special something… plus of course, my boyfriend wasn't Seth MacFarlane' she laughed heartily. I bristled with annoyance.

'Well, I'm pleased for you' she summarised. 'Good for you: finding that lucky break…. Hey perhaps I can baby-sit when this little one is born so you can go perform on stage!'

'Maybe you could…' I replied thoughtfully, going along with her for the sake of it…

'You really are a lucky girl Sarah… landed on your feet haven't you?' She said suddenly.

'Er, well you could say that… it wasn't planned though' I said cautiously.

I just met a man and fell in love… all the rest is incidental'.

'Oh now come on! You met a millionaire celebrity and now you have a new career, you live in LA and you're having his child, I'd say that's pretty much jackpot!' She sounded slightly aggressive and I wondered what she was trying to achieve.

This whole visit from her had a very strange sense about it and I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was about her. She was different to the times I talked to her before. Now it felt as if she had two voices coming from one mouth. One was the cheerful friendly long-term friend of Seth's, the other was someone slightly cynical and prying, mildly sarcastic, perhaps. I wondered if it was my perception. Perhaps I was feeling sensitive emotionally due to the turmoil of earlier, or perhaps it was my hormones making me feel delicate.

'So do let me know if there's anything I can do for you' Amy said lightly as she made her way out a short time later.

'Thanks, we will' I replied and waved her off feeling strangely confused inside and rather more cautious of her.

I went upstairs to check on Seth, taking him a cup of tea, just in case he was thirsty. I felt like I missed him.

He was still sleeping soundly when I entered the room. Exactly in the position I left him in, laying on his front.

I climbed up beside him and lay down with my face close to his ear, putting my arm across his shoulders. He didn't move, but sighed deeply.

'Baby, do you want a drink?' I whispered gently in his ear.

He sighed again and moaned a little. I stroked his hair to wake him; he was so drowsy. I kissed his cheek and it was warm and flushed slightly pink.

His eyes eventually flickered open.

'Uh… so tired… how long was I out for?' he groaned beginning to stir and stretch.

'A few hours… I brought you tea' I said softly.

'Thank you'

He gathered himself for a bit, then hauled himself up to sit on the bed, I piled up the pillows and we both sat back against them.

'How're you doing?' he asked leaning to kiss my head. 'Have you been resting?'

'Yes. Better now, I had some toast'

'That's good. What else have you been up to?'

'Not much, fed Ches, had tea… then Amy turned up.'

He frowned.

'Really?'

'Yeah, she just turned up on the doorstep… said she was checking we were ok.'

'Oh. That's a bit odd.'

I agreed.

'She was a bit strange actually…' I said turning to him.

'I can't explain, just… different to normal.'

'Oh she's just like that sometimes I guess… a bit 'flighty' as my Mom would say.' He shrugged unconvincingly.

'Hmm.'

He reached over for his cup and took a couple of sips of his tea.

'Ah I needed that.' He sighed.

'How's your belly? Still sore?'

'Not so much now' I pressed it with the flat of my hand.

'I'm glad. You scare me when you're sick'

'I know… you're a really good nurse though' I smiled.

He smiled too, then reached for my face to kiss me softly on the lips. 'I love you, you know' he said quietly. I nodded. 'And you're beautiful' he grinned and touched my nose with his forefinger. I kissed him. 'Ditto' I replied. He batted his eyelashes at me camply, 'OK handsome then!' I laughed.

He drew me into his arms then and held me. I rested my head against his shoulder and pressed my face against his warm neck.

For a few days, things returned to how they were at home. We put that day behind us and I really did feel confident again with Seth. I avoided Peter, not wanting to have to confront the person, who triggered doubt in Seth's mind, I still felt angry about that but Seth managed to make sense of things, seeming calmer and cheerier again.

He had an interview on a talk show booked to publicise his upcoming album release and he had it in mind to use the situation to set the record straight about what was going on in his personal life. Peter agreed to plan carefully how Seth would talk about us on the show in order to re-gain control and ownership of the situation so that the leaks to the gossip columns no longer held the same level of power. As I had suggested not long before this all happened, if people were allowed to know about our relationship the gossip would lessen as the facts would speak for themselves.

The day of the broadcast, Seth stayed home to rest and relax before turning up for the studio recording in the early evening.

We were still sitting relaxing in bed at around 9.30am when I felt the baby moving again.

'Ooo – there it goes again' I murmured to Seth who was sitting beside me reading the news on his ipad.

'The baby moving?' He asked glancing over and giving me a little smile.

I nodded. I now had the tiniest little bump in my belly which was showing, I said it looked like I had been eating all the pies, Seth had declared it 'cute' and said he loved it.

I lay back and looked at my tummy to see if anything could be visible on the outside when I felt the fluttering within me, but of course there was nothing. With the baby still only being the size of a coin, it was unlikely to show external movement for a few months.

'Seth put the ipad down on the nightstand and took off his glasses. Then he shifted over until his face was just above my tummy. He turned his head to look up at me.

'Do you think it can hear me in there?' he asked scrunching up his nose and then smiling.

'Um.., maybe? I don't know'. I smiled and touched his hair.

He looked down again at my tummy and gently eased up the material of my vest top to reveal the skin.

'There's a pulse in your tummy' he said watching the regular twitch in line with my heartbeat.

'I know, I always noticed that' I replied 'I don't know why it's so obvious on me... yours doesn't have it.'

'I guess some day soon if I put my face here, I'm gonna get a kick in the mouth' he laughed.

I nodded and grinned.

He leaned forward and softly touched his lips against my skin. I smiled fondly as he did so. He was so sweet and so loving; his sensitivity was touching. I felt at times as though I needed to protect him from harm, he seemed so open that it made him vulnerable. He pressed his cheek softly against my skin after he kissed it and I ran my hand through his hair. He looked at me and smiled.

'I love being like this…' He said softly, 'Nothing ever made me feel this way before… I could lay like this forever and be happy…. With you.'

'I love it when you kiss my tummy' I said. 'No one has ever made me feel the way you do either… I feel so much just looking at you.'

He smiled at my words contentedly and somehow I knew this was a fresh set of feelings for him.

'You know… it sounds weird to say this, but I feel as though I love the baby already' I said quietly. 'I know it's still so tiny but I think it's because I know it is ours… half you and half me. Knowing I have your baby in here makes me feel so warm and so happy… and when you kiss me there it makes me feel really important… and like I'm doing something special for you which I really, really want to do… to make you happy. I realise now how happy this has made you.

'You truly are something - you know that?' he said sitting up but keeping his hand softly resting on me. 'The things you say sometimes, I can't believe how lucky I am. I honestly never thought I would really know what it felt like to be loved… I gave up hope...but now I do, because this is it.' We looked at each other for a while. Fixed on each other's eyes, before smiling.

'Should I do the cream thing for you?' he asked.

I nodded and he rolled over to reach to the nightstand where the bottle of cream stood. He pressed some of it against his palms to warm it and then slowly and gently began to smooth it across my skin.

'That feel ok?' he glanced up to me.

I nodded and smiled. He concentrated on what he was doing.

'So if you can hear us in there…' he said as he continued rubbing 'We're really excited that you're here' he looked at me and we laughed a little before he continued 'so hurry up and grow big and strong for Mommy and Daddy' He smiled broadly as he finished up and then rubbed the rest of the cream in.

'It rubs the lotion into its skin..' he grinned wickedly at me, 'Seth!' I yelled and we burst into laughter. He moved up beside me and snuggled into me resting his head on my shoulder. 'Sorry I couldn't help that' he chuckled. 'I know' I said pretending to be offended by it, but then kissed his head because it did actually make me laugh.

I went with Seth to the studio that night for the recording.

Initially I was not planning to go, but Seth encouraged me, saying he would like it if I came along especially to meet the host who was a friend. He told me I would be able to stay with him right up until they recorded, and then I could sit in the audience and watch until he was done.

I made him wear a black suit and white shirt which I chose, he said he didn't normally care and just wore what he was told by Jessica, the stylist employed by his management, but he said she would probably have chosen the same thing as I did so I must have good taste.

I wore a black dress, to keep it simple and match him but also to look smart, as I didn't know what was expected of me when being seen publicly with Seth.

Seth's driver Joseph collected us at 5pm and we drove to Studio City at Burbank. We were taken through the back entrance to the NBC studio complex as Seth requested we avoid any paparazzi on the way in because it distracted him and sometimes made him nervous before the interview.

Once we got out of the car and were greeted by a member of studio staff wearing a talkback headset and carrying a clipboard, I looked around, surprised at how lacking in glamour it actually was back there. Back stage was a very ordinary practical space, like a cross between a loading bay and very unfancy offices. We were taken through some dingy corridors and finally they opened up into a large hospitality area, which was an instant change in tone. It was more like the reception of a five star hotel with plush furniture, tasteful lighting, a bar area and lots of people milling around or standing in groups talking.

'Seth! Hey' Came a shout instantly and from across the room. A smartly suited man of Seth's height, but slightly fatter, with statutory showbiz white smile and perfectly groomed features made a b-line for us.

'Seth, how are ya?' He exclaimed as he reached us. 'Good, man. Really good. How's it going?' Seth replied with the prescribed level of enthusiasm.

'Oh yeah all going pretty well, thanks for coming down tonight - it's good to have you on the show.' The man replied.

'Hey no problem my friend… listen Jimmy – this is Sarah' Seth said, putting an arm around me.

'Oh Sarah! It's a pleasure to meet you' Jimmy replied, more politely. He took my hand and gave it a squeeze, whilst tipping me a surprisingly genuine smile.

'So you've come along to see Seth make a fool of himself tonight then?' He patted Seth on the arm, then smiled and winked at me. 'Uh, hopefully not!' I exclaimed. Both men laughed heartily. 'Nah I'm just kidding' Jimmy replied. 'This over-achiever here, is usually the one making the rest of us look like fools, huh Seth?'

'Ah knock it off' Seth nudged him playfully.

'Ah seriously man, you going to sing tonight? Seth's got the voice of an angel, but I guess you know that huh?' he smiled at me. I nodded and smiled back.

'Yeah, I'll give it a burst' Seth replied, 'guess I'd better – being as it's about the album!'

'Sure – sure – you're always on here for something different though Seth, but it's going to be great to hear ya sing.'

'Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.' 'Great, that's good… listen I've gotta go talk to Michael over here so I guess I'll see you on set'

'Sure man, See you later' Seth replied.

'Nice to meet you Sarah' Jimmy called as he left us with a wave.

I looked at Seth and he raised an eyebrow at me. I pursed my lips into a knowing smile and he smirked back at me.

'He's not really a dick' Seth whispered, he's a good guy, just lost in showbiz temporarily.

'He seems to be nice enough' I whispered back. 'He is' Seth agreed.

Seth took hold of my hand and led me through the groups of people standing around, smiling and nodding at the ones who greeted him. Some of them looked to me and smiled too. I wondered how many of them had been on ET website or if they just knew from Seth holding my hand that I was someone to acknowledge. I felt quite self-conscious, wondering if anyone would be bold enough to actually ask anything about me. I knew enough that for Seth to turn up, not only with a woman, but one he'd recently met, moved into his home and now was having a baby with was pretty hot gossip in Hollywood circles, but in this circumstance, I doubted anyone would be impolite enough to ask anything. There was always a chance though, and it put me slightly on edge. We sat in the dressing room allocated to Seth before the show, Seth didn't want to hang around in the hospitality area before going onstage, preferring to sit quietly and relax with me.

'Do you know what Jimmy's going to ask you about in the interview?' I asked Seth, as I sat on a sofa. He was fiddling with his phone and fidgeting with his jacket as he sat in a big black leather chair in front of the mirror. The make-up woman had come and applied power to his face, whilst I grinned cheekily at him in the mirror and he rolled his eyes at my reaction, clearly well used to the situation.

'Peter told me Jimmy's going to mention you, but it won't be the focus of the interview, it'll be pretty light mainly – about the album, how we recorded it, why I wanted the songs I chose, that kind of thing.' I nodded, feeling better.

'It's strange looking at you now, thinking that in a moment you'll be on camera and on TV… it's like you're in some kind of unreal world that I don't know you in' I said studying his reflection in the mirror.

'It is a pretend world' he replied calmly 'I'm still me though, just the same guy – see' he held out his hand to me. 'All real' he shrugged and smiled as I took it.

A really lovely girl named Wanda arrived just before Seth had to go and took me to my seat, in the front row of the audience. She told me she was a floor assistant and helped out with anything needed to keep the studio running smoothly during recordings. She asked me if she should sit with me and I agreed as she seemed so relaxed and pleasant, I was not entirely sure who was doing whom a favour because she seemed delighted when I agreed, whilst I was glad to be not sitting entirely alone.

Seth was the second guest and began by singing a song from his album, which was called 'Anytime, Anywhere'. He was accompanied by a band and sounded wonderful. I found myself as lost in his performance as were the rest of the audience, who seemed spellbound until the last note rang out, before breaking into whoops and hollering and applause.

I smiled proudly at him and he caught my eye and he walked across the stage to be greeted by Jimmy where the interview was to take place.

'So!' Jimmy began. 'Seth MacFarlane everybody, wasn't he fantastic?' The audience applauded and cheered again and Seth nodded shyly and smiled. 'Seth, how the hell are ya?' Jimmy asked as they settled in their chairs on stage.

'Great, thanks' he replied.

'Well that was just beautiful – you have the voice of an angel!' the audience cheered approval.

'Well thank you' Seth smiled again charmingly.

'So this is the first from your new album right?'

'Yeah, first of many'

'So tell me about it' he asked, before Seth filled him in on the recording process and why he had chosen the songs he had for the album.

'Now,' Jimmy said ominously after Seth had finished his explanation.

'A little bird tells me your album's not the only thing going well in the Macfarlane household right now' Jimmy raised an eyebrow first at Seth, then looked to the audience who instantly responded with oo's and woops of interest.

Seth beamed and smirked shyly.

'Don't know _what_ you're taking about Jimmy!' he smiled cheekily.

'Oh come on Seth – don't be bashful… I hear bachelorhood might just be a distant memory for you at long last?'

'Mm-hmm' he replied, still holding back.

'Listen guys - so this is the lady we're talking about, let me just introduce your beautiful girlfriend Sarah now, she's here tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen and gestured into the audience towards where I sat. 'There she is, hey Sarah!'

I was so stunned but knew I had to smile and somehow managed it by looking to Seth at that moment and he gave me a reassuring nod and smile.

My heart was jumping out of my chest when seconds later I realised the camera was no longer pointing at me and Jimmy was asking Seth about me.

Wanda turned to me and also gave a reassuring glance too.

'Wow Seth – you landed on your feet there buddy' Jimmy teased. Seth smiled and the audience laughed.

'Yeah, I'm a very lucky guy, Jimmy - I don't deserve her.' He looked out towards me again and smiled.

'So you guys have your music in common apparently?' he asked Seth.

'Sure, yeah, that's true - she's a fantastic singer'

'Excellent – what a musical household you have there – say, how about next time we get Sarah on here instead – she sure is prettier than you man!'

The audience laughed and cheered whilst Seth took his joke with a grin and nodded. 'Yeah she is definitely prettier than me!'

'Alright so let's work on that Sarah', Jimmy said looking out to me in the audience, whilst Seth shook his head in mock despair at Jimmy's tenacity.

'Let's get you on here in the next week maybe?'

I blushed and nodded as I realised the camera was back pointing at my face and a response was expected.

'Ok, so fantastic, just wanna say congratulations to you both too', he winked at Seth for the benefit of the camera. Then swiftly turned, to link to the commercial break. 'And now we've gotta go to a commercial break but we'll be right back after with more music – oh we're good to you guys aren't we? We've got a song from my good friend Jaime Maddison – right after this'

The theme music played and the audience were instructed to applaud by the enthusiastic floor manager gesturing from behind the cameras.

'Oh my God! I yelled as I was reunited with Seth back in the dressing room .

He held out his arms to me and I hugged him but quickly pulled back.

'You ok? ' he laughed observing my nervous excitement.

'Just about!' I smiled broadly. I wasn't exactly expecting that but I guess it's ok.

'Probably better that you didn't know before then huh?'

'Did you know he was going to do that?' I asked, becoming aware that I was buzzing with excitement.

'No, I didn't actually or I would've warned you'

I laughed and sat down on the sofa where he joined me.

'Not as bad as you thought then?' he asked.

'Well, no… not really, do you think people knew what he meant at the end where he said congratulations to us?'

He shrugged, 'Some will, but I don't think the majority would work out it was anything more than congratulations that we're together. I think we have some breathing space in other words'

I breathed a sigh of relief.

'So I have to go on the show then?' I asked him incredulously.

'Well you should if they ask you to… it's an amazing opportunity Sarah, one which you need to consider carefully because of that.'

I nodded. 'I need to think about it' bizarrely it was not as frightening a prospect as I thought it would be.

'How're you feeling?' Seth asked, touching my cheek briefly. 'You tired? You should still be taking things easy, you know, and I think we've both had enough excitement for one night'

'I am a bit tired – are you sure I'm not cramping your style if we go?' I cringed.

'Not at all… Are you crazy?! I think you just added to my credibility 100%' He laughed.

Seth signed for fans waiting out by the front of the building whilst I waited in the car with Joseph around the back.

As we pulled around the collect him, a couple of paparazzi took shots through the windows. Seth said they would, so I was expecting it. One shouted through the window that he had heard I was having a baby and asked if it was true. Seth artfully ignored it and stepped into the car beside me taking hold of my hand on the seat between us.

I fell asleep on Seth's shoulder in the car on the way back to the house and I woke when he touched my cheek and whispered 'baby, we're home now'.  
I stifled a yawn. 'I didn't realise I was so tired'  
'Come on let's get inside. I'm tired too'  
We curled up in bed together not long afterward and sleep came immediately.

I must have been distantly aware of discomfort sometime before it woke me. I shifted positions awkwardly in my sleep, trying to find a comfortable way to lie. Finally I woke with a start, confused in the darkness whilst dull aching waves stemmed from deep inside me.  
Seth was peacefully asleep, the angle of his body still holding the shape as if I were lying there beside him.  
He didn't stir when I lurched awake and sat up, didn't wake when I sat on the side of the bed, clutching my stomach, feeling wave after wave of aching pain rise through my body.  
Initially I didn't know what to do. I wondered if maybe I had indigestion or perhaps I could be mistaken and the pain was morning sickness in a different form. I breathed deeply, trying to manage the pain and not panic. I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Terrified that I would check myself and find something I could not bare to accept. I remembered the doctors instructions: to take notice if these cramping sensations continued but I pushed the thought away again, wishing I could achieve the same kind of dismissive-ness towards the pain that I did not want to label, out of fear of what it would mean.

I sat a while longer; stared at the walls, the door, the floor, I held my breath as to me it sounded so loud in my head, I feared I might wake Seth with it the more breaths I took. I became too tired to sit any longer on the edge of the bed. My foot, which had been crunched beneath me, had lost all feeling by that point. To stretch out and push my legs under the soft, cool covers again felt extremely soothing and I realised the pain had lessened as I drifted away again.  
I woke early, remembering instantly the episode in the night and daring not to move in case my body was yet to become aware of it's physicality and by moving, I would suddenly sense that aching pain once more. When finally I dismissed my fear and glanced to the other side of the bed, Seth was still sleeping, completely unaware of my anxiety. I felt relieved, somehow. I felt more comfortable that he knew nothing of it. I felt silly. I felt guilty. I felt unwilling to cause him the same fear that I felt.  
I rolled on to my side and miraculously; my body gave me no unusual response. I tentatively pushed my palm against last night's site of pain. It felt normal. I took some deep breaths in relief and gazed down at Seth.  
He laid flat on his back now, one arm bent and extended above his head with the other hand pressed against his chest. I lay my hand against his, and found myself wanting to wake him. I wanted him with me, to look at me and talk to me. I wanted to forget and make last night into a bad dream and nothing more.  
I bent forward and kissed his hand softly, to which he woke, eyes flickering and opening, his hand responding to the kiss by rising to touch my face and then stroke my hair.  
'Hey there' he murmured. His voice was deep and still laced with sleep. I smiled gently and turned my head to kiss his hand again.  
'What's up?' he whispered, unsure as to the reason for my wakeful state so early in the morning.  
'Can't sleep' I said losing eye contact with him as I lied and hid my secret.  
'Come here' he slid his hand around my neck, encouraging me to lie down with him. I gladly let him lead me and pressed my face against his neck. He stroked my hair a while longer before we both settled comfortably and I rested my hand flat on his chest and closed my eyes.

That would have been the moment: the time to say something, and share my experience with him. Perhaps it would have helped if I had. Perhaps it just would have brought things sooner into turmoil when right then all I wanted was peace and calm and Seth. So I kept it to myself.

We woke again when light began to seep into the room. I stirred and stretched, moving my hand against his chest making him aware that I was awake again.  
'Hey you, why were you awake so early' he said softly.  
'Don't know' I lied again, burying my face in his shoulder in case he tried to look into my eyes or kiss me.  
His hand ran down the length of my arm and onto my hip where it lingered and squeezed me gently. His other hand rose up to touch my neck and my face. My body responded to him but inside I froze. I knew that unless I stopped his next movement I would be allowing him to believe that his touch would lead us further than I could let him take it that morning.  
Despite my denial, I realised that I could not do this today; my resolve to push that night's memory away could only stretch so far. Lying with words seemed possible, whereas making my body hide it's battle might well be beyond my control.  
'What's wrong?' he whispered, slightly breathlessly as I did not begin to writhe and respond to him in a way I was normally unable to prevent.  
'Nothing, really... I'm just... I just. ' I stammered, before I turned from him to hide.  
'Hey, hey - it's ok. Don't turn away. You don't have to explain to me' he drew me back into his arms and held me.  
'Sorry, I can't...' I whispered in shame.  
'I said it's ok' he repeated gently.  
I nodded sullenly and felt guilty for being surprised that he did not withdraw his affection, despite my refusal to touch him.  
I gratefully held him tighter and he seemed to understand my need for reassurance as he hugged my head to his chest.

I was in the shower when I felt the sickening ache return. I steadied myself and breathed hard and leaned my arms on the wall cushioning my forehead against the tiles as the water rained down my back.  
It seemed to come in periods of a few minutes at a time and then stop, only giving me a short while to recover before the next wave began. I refused to look at the puddle of water, which ran from my body, fully expecting now to see clouds of crimson blood tainting it. When finally I looked down there was nothing but clear water. I felt confused and slightly hopeful. Allowing myself once more, the indulgence of pretending I was mistaken about the pain and mistaken about what was happening to me.  
I dressed privately in the closet area. The door firmly closed instead of my usual habit of leaving it wide open to the bedroom as I dressed, in order to joke and chat with Seth as he woke up.

He came in as I peered at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, now fully clothed.

'You're ready' he sounded surprised. 'I have to get going soon, I've got a meeting at 11.' He announced distractedly, he hooked an arm around my waist briefly, whilst he kissed my cheek on his way to the shower. His hand touched my tummy as he did and I flinched internally.

'Are you ok?' he asked at the door as he left the house, quiet concern tingeing his voice. I nodded and twitched a small smile as we kissed goodbye at the door. He nodded but I knew he remained unconvinced. 'I'm going to call you in a couple of hours to see how you are… ' He called back as he headed towards his car.

I just wanted him to go. I wanted him away from me now. I needed to be alone. To think and to face what I knew was coming to me. I couldn't let him in on this. I couldn't stand to see his eyes if I told him and above all I couldn't take the love and care I knew he would give me in response, as I did not feel I deserved it.  
Another wave of cramping pain spread through my body as I closed the door. I leant back against it for support and breathed hard again, seeing myself through the pain. Gulping hard to prevent the sickening feeling spreading up into my throat, then blacked out.

'Sarah… Sarah. honey wake up…. Come on sweetie, please…. Wake up'

Blur and confusion… sickness and shivering… I could hear a voice but I did not know who it was or if it were a dream instead. I felt detached from my body and intermittently, my mind. I saw a face looking down at me.

'Honey, it's Matty… what happened to you? He touched my cheek and I could see fear in his eyes.

I moaned in pain and in sickness as he lifted me to sit where I had fallen in the hallway.

'Matt?'

'Oh baby, thank God, I was so worried…' He took hold of my hand and held it in both of his. 'Sarah honey, you're very sick, I've called the doctor and Seth, and they're on their way now sweetie… but Matty's here now'

I moaned again gripping the site of pain in my stomach. I felt numb from it. I knew what was happening to me, but I did not want to acknowledge it, alone or with someone, but I had to.

'Matt' I sobbed and threw my arms around his neck.

'My baby...' I whispered. Matt hugged me tightly and I felt him sob slightly too, before stroking my back slowly and then holding me in his arms.

'It's ok honey, it's ok….Matty's here…' he repeated as he rocked me gently.

The hours after were another blur of activity. I knew Seth arrived and was afraid and his voice was loud. Matt tried to calm him and I knew he embraced him for a while as the ambulance arrived and I was carried to it with care. I wanted to hold Seth myself, wanted to reach out for his hand, I felt his anxiety in my own chest, but I was drowsy and my body wouldn't do what I wanted it to. I trusted him to Matt, but I wanted to cry for him.

I woke in semi-darkness. I felt as though I had no physical presence, just a disembodied bundle of thoughts floating in the air. I had no pain, no feeling. I did not know where I was and could only see the white ceiling above me. My sense of smell kicked in. Chemical clean. My hearing next; beeping; clicking: echoing silence in between. The slow dawning of my physical presence unfolded accompanied by nausea and weakness in my legs. I moaned as awareness flooded through me.

'Sarah?' I heard Seth's voice but I was still looking at the ceiling so I did not know where he was.

His hand gently slipped into mine. I hadn't been aware of my own body until he touched me.

He appeared above me, looking down. His face pale, tired, his brow knotted with concern and fear.

'Oh my darling… ' he whispered shaking his head, before turning away from me for a moment to hide his face. I could hear the emotion break in his voice as he said it, but I knew as he turned, that he was trying to be strong for me.

I remained as I was, I did not reply. I waited for him to gather himself and return to look at me.

He did so with an expression of resolve. Pain visible in his eyes, but with gritted teeth he held on to his emotions. He reached out to my face and touched it so tenderly - as if I might break beneath his fingers.

He sighed, before looking into my eyes, I already knew what he had to tell me and I knew that he realised this too… but we still went though the motions anyway.

'Sweetheart, you're in hospital…' he said softly. Taking a deep breath again. 'Matt found you on the floor by the door… we don't know how long you were there' I blinked slowly. Knowing my face was still devoid of emotion.

He paused and raised his hand to his mouth and covered it for a moment and closed his eyes. Another deep breath.

'The baby' I whispered, not sure if it were a question or a prompt to him, but he simply shook his head in reply as he looked deep into my eyes until they clouded with tears and his face became a blur to me. They welled and fell in hot trails down my cheeks.

'He died' he whispered and laid his head next to mine, so the wetness of my tears soaked into his cheek and into the pillow.

He could not have been more gentle, more considerate or kind.

Everything I could need was provided for me in an instant. He kept me company when I wanted it; he left me alone when he sensed I needed my tears to be private. He was strong and comforting; but all of it – his kindness and his care and his love - was so very, very painful to me.

I wanted him to hate me and to blame me, to be angry and dismissive and to be unable to look at me. I wanted to be punished for my useless body. For taking away something so very precious from him, when he did not deserve any pain. Every time he was kind to me and looked at me with love in his eyes, all it caused me was pain and guilt and I kicked and punched myself inside my head.

In my recovery, he spent days at home with me; first whilst I lay upstairs in bed, then as more days passed and I grew stronger, I sat downstairs on the sofa. He would work in his office and come to check on me every hour, on occasions I did not move between one visit and the next. He brought me tea and made me food, encouraging me to eat and drink, sometimes putting food on the fork and whispering softly, 'just a little more honey'. Not allowing anybody else to help him, even when Matt or Anna asked him if they could, he refused them, saying that it was him that I needed.

One afternoon as he came to find me. I stood by the windows to the garden. Staring out at the city. Two weeks had passed since I left the hospital and physically I was stronger, but had still barely spoken more than a few words each day, completely unable to voice the turmoil inside my head, even to him.

'Hey there' he said coming to stand with me. His approach was more tentative these days, often lightly touching my hand in greeting, as opposed to scooping me into his arms.

I took hold of his hand but did not turn to him.

'What're you looking at?' he asked, trying to make me speak. I shrugged.

He placed a hand on my shoulder as if to turn me towards him. My eyes travelled slowly upward until they met his gaze. His lips twitched slightly into a smile. His kindness stung in my chest. I wanted so badly to indulge myself and fall into his arms and feel good again. His sweet smile weakened me and so I allowed myself to lean towards him, letting him know he could embrace me now, his face crumpled slightly as he drew me to him and held my head against his chest.

'That's better' he said softly, rubbing my back as if comforting a baby.

We stood for some time this way, both giving and receiving the affection we had needed so much from each other. When finally he drew back to look at me he said;

'I was wondering if you maybe wanted to play some music… thought maybe it would help you if you could focus on that…' He waited briefly before he took my hand and led me to the piano, where he guided me to sit down, not joining me, but standing behind me. I limply let him mould me and he reached around my body, taking hold of my wrists, lightly positioning them so that my fingers fell against the keys.

'Now' he said gently 'Why don't you play something?' then he released my hands and turned away, disappearing into his office and leaving me there alone.

I pressed the keys randomly, somewhat dismissively, but then formed some some chords. I enjoyed the sensation of pressing the keys, the weight against my fingertips and the smooth tone it produced. I was surprised how the sounds still absorbed me so steadily, how the process still captivated me despite my deadened emotion. I played a simple tune made up of basic notes, basic chords. I had learnt this song as a child and played it over and over proudly so many times that the pattern of the notes were indelibly etched into my memory. I allowed the sounds to wash over me and release memories which returned in waves, then some receding of tension. I felt a tugging in my chest and tears welled in my eyes but I didn't know why exactly. I felt angry and afraid at the same time: that this could happen to me, that this process could seem to take me over and force me to feel. My mind began to wander, finally freeing from the vice, which I had kept clamped shut for so long. I felt the hairs on my arms begin to lift and goose bumps formed. I sighed and felt as though I were waking from a stupor for the first time since my miscarriage. I had been living and breathing, but not really awake… I had shut down my thoughts and feelings for self-protection, but suddenly I could feel again.

I sat silently for a time. Still touching the keys I looked down at my hands and fingers. My skin looked papery and my nails untidy. I observed my clothing and felt ashamed. Recovered self-awareness made me realise my appearance was dire and I needed to change that. I didn't even recognise myself this way. I wore track pants and a hooded top, my hair was tied back and tangled. I wanted to be me again. I wanted to be Sarah, and to have and be normal things again and I wanted to be alive, not just exist.

I took a shower upstairs, shaving my legs and painting my fingernails, moisturising my body and my face with cream, drying and styling my hair properly for the first time in two weeks. As I sat facing the mirror, I applied mascara, realising what a difference it made to my eyes and I looked at myself without hatred.

Later that evening, I found Seth hard at work in his office. He sat in his leather chair at the desk, papers clutched in his hand, his laptop open and pens strewn around.

Before I let him know I was there, I paused at the doorway. Looking at the back of his head. I allowed myself to want him again on sight, admiring his thick, black, wavy hair, which had grown slightly longer than he normally allowed it to. There was something youthful and free about it this way and I longed to run my fingers through its thick, silky softness. I stepped forward and indulged myself, knotting my fingers amongst it, making him turn in an instant in response to my touch. His eyes caught me but he said nothing. I saw his gaze travel my body, which was only clothed in a thin layer of nude coloured silk material held by fine straps, the length only just reaching my thighs. He swallowed hard, eyes clouding thickly with lust as I continued to move my fingers amongst his hair. I knew he wanted me badly, the tension between us was heady and intoxicating, but I wondered if he could or would control himself.

He looked up at me, aghast, his mouth slightly open. It was all I needed for encouragement and I drew his head to me clutching the back of his neck and kissed his open mouth lustfully. I felt fire driving through me as I did so, the sensation of his lips on mine had escaped me for too long and he began to kiss back, breathing heavily as my other hand now started to roam amongst his hair. I moved forward and sat astride his thighs, the silk material easily sliding up my legs and I felt both of his hands come to rest there, to push it further upwards, realising there was nothing beneath.

I wanted him to touch me but I wanted to make him feel good above all, as though I owed him this now… I heard him groan as I brought my hips forward, sliding myself up his thighs until I rested against the hardening in his jeans.

He pulled away from the kiss, 'Wait… wait, we can't' he was breathless, 'Sarah this … this isn't right' I ignored him, drawing his head forward in order to kiss his lips hungrily again and he moaned reluctantly as he melted against me once more.

I slid back down his thighs to access his belt and zipper, which I undid as he looked down and watched. He reached up to my shoulder straps, simultaneously pulling them down and revealing my breasts, which he began to kiss and touch immediately.

I pushed him away, confusing him for a moment, before kneeling on the floor in front of him, reaching into his jeans and taking him into my mouth. He gasped and groaned as I worked on him, gripping the chair with his hands and breathing unsteadily.

'Stop.' He gasped after a short time, 'please stop' he writhed in his chair, his knuckles whitening with the power of his grip, but I refused, upping the pace and hearing a huge outward breath from him. 'Sarah, please, I need you to stop now or I'm gonna lose it' I continued until I heard his breathing become short gasps and he held my head in place as he exhaled with a groan and I felt him release into me.

He took my hands to lift me up and drew me onto his lap again. For a moment I felt as though we might embrace quietly and return to calm, but being so close to him for the first time in weeks felt such a draw. When I sat in his lap to embrace him, I kissed his neck and felt as though our desire was as new as when we started.

'Sarah I shouldn't have let you do that' he whispered, still breathless but now starting to respond to the kisses on his neck. 'I wanted to…' I whispered back. 'I need this now… I need to… please… I want you'.

'Oh God I want you too' he moaned losing himself in my attention. I took him into my fist once more and felt him harden again. This time, was more hurried than ever as I swung my leg astride him again and he pulled me closer, easing himself inside me, bringing that sense of sweet relief to feel each other this way again. I moved on him and we moaned in unison at the sensation we had missed so much, grinding together desperately needing to achieve fulfilment. He lifted me off him, pushing me back onto the desk and knocking away the papers and the pens so they fell to the floor and entered me again as I wrapped my legs around his back to pull him closer and he continued to move until we both came… Afterwards, we moved through the house, made love on the sofa before climbing the stairs, not making it to the top before needing to renew our union once more, right then and there. Now tiring but still not having enough of each other we moved to the bed where he lay on me, kissing me deeply and slowly, holding my face in his hands as he did so, moving inside me but with long and gentle strokes to match his kisses. I held him tightly, needing him so much that I never wanted it to end or let him go. I could take the physicality of our sex - all of it, everything we did… I saw it as something we both needed, as release, as comfort… but when he whispered that he loved me, I broke down in an instant, tears welling and flowing from me in the same way and with the same pain as when I learnt that our child was dead.

I sobbed uncontrollably beneath him and his expression fell into sorrow, ceasing awkwardly our lovemaking and moving to lie down beside me where I trembled into his shoulder.

'This was too soon, honey… you didn't have to do this for me' he soothed, holding me tightly.

'It's not… I need you Seth… really wanted you I needed this…but… I just can't have you love me anymore' I whispered. 'I just can't bare to hear it'.

He did not seem to understand me, he looked haunted by it but I was not able to explain it to him, so he held me until I cried myself to sleep.

I heard voices downstairs. One was a woman; one was Seth. I sat up in the bed, Seth had drawn the covers over me but I was still naked. I sat up and found my robe to the side, wrapping myself in it swiftly as I shivered with the cold air. I moved to the top of the stairs silently, not wanting anyone to be alert to my movement. I wanted to understand who this was and what they were saying before showing myself to be awake.

'I just feel so fucking helpless Amy….' Seth was saying. He sounded upset. 'I just don't know what to do to help her, she won't talk to me… '

'Oh Seth darling' she cooed 'Come here'. I knew she embraced him then and I burned inside with hatred but didn't move.

'Listen sweetie, you're doing your very best… no one could do more for her than you have'

'I guess..' he replied sounding unconvinced.

'I feel for her, I really do… it's just' she stopped.

'Just what?' he sounded suspicious.

'Well, honey, I don't know… all this thing with her' she paused again

'What thing?' he replied, sounding clearer, firmer.

'…Oh well it was all very sudden the way things happened between you.'

Seth gave no response.

'I mean… perhaps it's a sign honey… maybe this is going to turn out for the best in the end… you said she's distant, maybe you need to back off now while you can. There's no baby to hold you there anymore… cut your losses and get out…'

'You fucking what?' he yelled.

'Amy, wait - run that by me again… because I think I'm having a fucking nightmare here.'

'Oh Sethy, calm down honey… come on think about it… you don't need her really… you need someone who understands you, someone who's not a burden to you all the time, someone who really knows you' she cooed.

'You WHAT? Where is this coming from Amy…. Because I can't deal with any shit right now'

He sounded desperate.

'Oh Seth, come here, let me take care of you, you know this was meant to be from the start… I just had to make sure nothing got in our way.' There was a pause and silence.

'Get the fuck off me! What the hell are you doing?' Seth yelled. 'You're fucking crazy and you just made me realise it. Sarah is none of those things you said, I love her, and she's the only woman I've ever loved. Why are you doing this? You're Steve's wife for Christ's sake, do you know what it'd do to him if he heard you now? He's my best friend and you think it's ok to say those things to me?'

'Seth – please… I care about you… I love you'

'Get the fuck out of my house!' he yelled. I heard the scraping of chairs on the floor as they sounded like they were moving out the room. I slunk backwards up the stairs as I saw them enter the hallway below. Seth was holding her by the arm and dragging her to the door, which he opened before turning to her. She looked terrified. 'I don't know what the hell you thought you were doing, but all this falls into place for me now… it was you wasn't it…? Stirring things with the press… telling them about my relationship with Sarah and our baby… Trying to fuck things up for me to suit your self. Do you know what you did? Causing us that stress? You pissed me off and you scared Sarah when she needed to be calm. All for some stupid, selfish little crush you had because you're a bored, pointless housewife with no life and no hope. Well I blame YOU Amy… I blame you completely for this and for the baby… as far as I am concerned it was all your fault. You killed our baby, you hear me? I don't want to see you again and I will NEVER forgive you.' He pushed her away and slammed the door, banging his fists against it as it closed and then resting his head against it.

I finally let my breath go. Momentarily wondering if I possibly could have dreamt what I saw and heard.

I watched him, head pressed against the door, his fists raised above his head clenched tightly, breathing hard. I felt so sorry for him. I knew he had just lost not one, but two close friends over this. I knew how he would be feeling about being betrayed like that.

I also knew that if I had never come into his life, he would not have had to go through any of this now. I loved him. He did not deserve this. He ought to be happy and I blamed myself that he was not.

In that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do, to show my love for Seth in the ultimate way and to put him first….

Sorry for typos and missing words. There are a few. I hope it's not too distracting... thanks for continuing to read.


	10. Chapter 10

'Seth' I whispered from my position at the top of the stairs.

His arms sank slowly down the door. He turned to look up at me.

'You heard…' he said quietly, sorrow in his eyes with such intensity, I felt a stabbing in my chest.

'I can't believe it… how could she?' I whispered.

'I don't know…' he slid to the floor and sat there raising his hand to hold his head.

We were silent for a long time. While we processed what had happened. Eventually I spoke.

'You can't lose your friends over this.' I said.

It sounded loud after such a long pause.

He looked up at me, stunned.

'She made a mistake Seth… she was jealous of me coming into your life and taking all your time... she's had her own problems and she let her feelings get out of hand…' I said quietly 'She's your friend and has looked out for you for all these years… you have to give her a chance, everyone deserves that'

'Sarah… what are you talking about? How you can be so generous about this… I want to _kill_ her right now for what she did…. She's supposed to be a _friend_, you're right - but she let me down so badly, so many times…. She had a private little hate campaign going on for God's sake…. And she hurt you… that is what I can't stand. I won't allow anyone to hurt you, I want to protect you'

'Seth…' I shook my head and sighed 'You know you can't protect me from everything I told you that… This all happened because of me anyway…. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have lost your friends or your baby… I came into your life and turned it upside down and now all I've caused you is pain and upset… that's what _I_ can't bare to do to you.'

'You came into my life and you made it better, Sarah… you've loved me like no one has done before – and you made me happy, you filled the gap in my life that I never thought could be filled… I won't hear you say this to me. If you turned my life upside down, it was for the better and I only feel pain because I love you so very much.'

I shook my head. I couldn't listen to him telling me he loved me. I couldn't love him back. It wasn't fair of me to him to carry on ruining his life, but in that moment he needed me.

I got up and went down to him where he sat. I took hold of his hands and pulled him to make him stand. He did so reluctantly and I led him upstairs.

I was awake before him. My habit now, so it seemed. I could not rest beyond first waking in the mornings. Too many thoughts raced through my mind after the initial blankness slipped away. I left him sleeping upstairs and went down to make myself some coffee, sitting at the table in my robe, cradling the cup in my hands between sips. Chester whirled around my legs beneath the table making small chirps as he occasionally jumped to head butt my thigh in attempt to make me stroke him. His persistence was appealing and after a while I sat back in the chair allowing him space to jump up onto my lap.

'Come on Ches!' I called to him. Patting my leg. He responded swiftly, smoothly leaping and landing on me and commencing loud purring as I petted him.

His warm fur and deep purring was relaxing to me and I rubbed his head fondly until he curled into a ball on my lap and tucked in his head to sleep.

'At least someone can sleep' Seth was behind me, his hand on my shoulder, looking down at Chester where he lay in my lap.

I smiled weakly and Seth reached down to touch Chester's silky head.

'Sarah, I've been thinking…' He said, with surprising energy. He came to sit on the chair opposite me at the table.

He rested his hands on the table, clutching his long fingers together and looked up at me.

'What about?' I asked, knowing full well already.

'Look, I want us to make a new start… I want to look ahead, not backwards.'

I didn't reply, but made it clear I was listening by returning his stare.

'We don't need anybody else; we've got each other. All I want to do is move on with life – with our life. Whatever's happened in recent times, surely as long as we're together, we can get past it…?'

I couldn't help but frown. I couldn't return his energy. His words stuck in my throat when he talked about the future and about us, and not needing anybody else. His approach seemed simplistic and desperate, and much as I hated to admit it, dismissive of what I had been through. I don't think for one second it occurred to him that he was being that way… this was the very root of the problem for me. I wished I could reply to him, to explain to him I had this feeling, to make him understand, but I just felt frozen in time. Crippled by conflicting emotions, which cycled endlessly in my head. Sometimes at the forefront was the pain and loss of the baby, which paralysed me, sometimes the guilt at not being able to fulfil him by delivering him our promised child; sometimes I was consumed by my compulsion to love him and care for him and protect him from pain no matter what the cost. Even if that cause was my self. I had never loved like this before and the confusion within me now was deep and perplexing and not always consistent.

Lately I looked back into the face of a man who frightened me. He made me frightened of myself. Being with him consumed me and I feared that I did not know who I was anymore without him. My life was his life and his life was my life… and the way I felt at that time, I was not creating a balance, not giving anywhere near what I was receiving from him, as far as I could see. I felt guilty about that, as though I was cheating him and he couldn't even see that I was. He was blinded by the love he had for me and did not recognise that practically, he loved the feeling he had inside, but perhaps the person he thought he saw in me was not all she could be. What if one day, he worked it out? I couldn't bear to see a look of disappointment in his eyes, staring back at me.

'So - what do you say?' he said trying to goad a response from my silence.

He seemed oddly cheery, he was acting, I could tell. Trying hard to be strong and practical. I appreciated that. I respected that he was trying hard and in my heart, just wanted to make him happy by agreeing.

'I think you should continue with your music Sarah…' he went on, when I didn't reply. 'I know how helpful it is to you personally; I can see it. Look how it has helped you in your grieving… it brought you life and put energy into you, surely you can see that it is good for you?' he reached across the table wanting my hand, which I gave him.

'…and I think,… I think you should work on a career in music. You're so talented, so natural… I really think you can make this work, Sarah and be happy from it… I can help you, every step of the way…' He smiled kindly.

'I guess…' I finally replied automatically. It seemed the easiest thing at that point. I couldn't find the words or the strength in me to explain to him what I really had planned. It seemed more comfortable to allow him to lead me in his sweet enthusiastic way and allow him to be happily unaware of the darkness, which clouded my thoughts.

I nodded again, realising my response was far from convincing and it needed back up.

'Really? You're sure?' Boyish enthusiasm came from him and as he stood up to come over to hug me, I swept away a tear for him and his gentle, innocent naivety as he held me pressed to him. 'It's going to be ok Sarah, things are going to change for the better, very soon, I promise' I promised him this too, in my thoughts: I promised him his pain would soon be over and his life would return the one he used to know…

Seth became very driven and focussed from that point. I knew he was using his mindset to shut out the pain of other things he could not face. The loss of his child, the betrayal of his friendship and the pain in our relationship. He knew things were not as they should be with me. He realised I wasn't the person he knew, despite my careful attention to smile and nod and function in a 'normal' way. He knew me better than that, but despite it, he did not try to confront me or discuss anything on a deeper level again. I imagined that perhaps he did not possess the strength himself, but immediately forgave him for his weakness.

Sometimes I would find myself looking over at him, watching him the way I used to, admiring him, feeling the flowing of love and affection, which rose inside me so naturally when I looked at him. I knew I shouldn't do it to myself. I knew it would only make things harder for me in the end.

That week, we both spent many hours practising our music. He asked if he should help me and I let him explain some theory to me one afternoon at the table, but that was all I could bear. To experience the emotional connection we had through music if we were to play and sing together was too much for me to stand. Too many memories - feelings too strong. My emotions were steadily coiling and binding, building deep inside me daily as I moved closer towards the tipping point.

By the time Friday came, the day before the recording, I was almost functioning on autopilot. Seth had gone to a meeting first thing, due to return by the early evening. He suggested that we should relax together and he would bring home some food and wine for us.

Saturday would be a busy and tense day for me as I was due to appear for the first time on Jimmy's TV show. Seth had arranged it personally in a call to the man himself. I allowed Seth his moment. He was so proud of me. I was so sickened by my deception in agreeing to it whilst knowing it would never happen. He planned that I would be introduced to the music industry, as talented newcomer, a singer of natural ability who would surely be due for greater things… I did not recognise myself in this image and I reminded myself that I would not have to…

I knew the plan. Seth would be at the studio to meet me for the recording and Joseph would bring me in the car when the time was right. I knew what I was to do and assured Seth I understood.

I was waiting for him in the kitchen when he came home that evening. I feasted my eyes on the sight of him as he came through the door. The last time for me to see that beautiful face soften as he caught my eyes and strode right in to greet me, arms full of belongings, yet his first thought always, before anything else, was to find me.

I kissed him with relish on the lips, feeling the cold still in his breath from the outside. He smiled, a note of surprise in his eyes as he recognised my enthusiasm, something I had been withholding for most of that week.

'Had a good day?' I asked, touching his cheek with my fingertips.

'Yeah not bad' he smiled, off-loading the bags with food on the counter. My mind flashed back impulsively to our lovemaking there, then to the first night when I came to the house and he played barman as I watched him lustfully, wondering when we would finally kiss. It felt like another lifetime to me.

'You look like you're in another world' he remarked catching me gazing, pulling me out of my memories in an instant.

'Oh, yes, sorry. What did you get for dinner?' I asked, peering into the bags and lifting out a bottle of wine.

'I went to Al's deli – I know you love their food… thought it would tempt you… you're hardly eating lately'

'Thank you' I pursed my lips and gave him an appreciative smile. 'That's sweet of you.'

'Hey, why don't you leave all this to me, you should be relaxing… you have a big day tomorrow, so I'm going to do everything I can to make it easy for you… put your feet up in the den, I'll bring you some wine'

_Please don't be kind_, I begged in my mind. _Please don't be sweet and loving Seth, not tonight_… but he always was…

'You're too good to me' I said quietly.

'Nothing's too good for you' he replied, instantly, not missing a beat.

I made my way into the den and laid a fire, unable to be still now, lest my thoughts started to spiral in fear of what I was secretly planning.

I flicked a couple of matches alight, illuminating the paper and kindling and watched as the flames enveloped the wood, weaving and sparking intermittently until the heat drove me back.

Wine was helpful; I sipped slowly on my glass, feeling the warming influence spreading through my body and down my legs. We sat, feet curled under us, glasses cupped in our hands, staring into the flames.

'I always think of being at home as a little boy in my parents house when we light a fire.' He said wistfully. 'I remember sitting on the rug in front of the fire with our dog, Katie. She loved it there. Animals know how to keep themselves warm.' I smiled at the image; little Seth with the family dog sat by the fire. 'Dad found me sleeping there once, using Katie as my pillow with my arms around her neck' he grinned and finally glanced up at me.

'Seth - I love you' I said unexpectedly, locking eyes with him intensely.

He looked a little stunned, but then smiled gently.

'I know. I love you too' he said tenderly, but did not reach to touch me. I was certain he detected some other nuance in my sentence, a meaning he could not yet identify and it made him uneasy.

'I'd better check the food' he said after a silence between us in which we had both looked away and into the flames again.

He brought the food in to place on the low table in front of the fire. All my favourite things laid out so perfectly as he always presented things. Everything aligned not just thrown together. I smiled at him as we both picked at the food, but wondered what thoughts were going through his mind, knowing for certain that they were not the same as mine.

He sat back after he had eaten what he wanted. He held his wine loosely in his left hand, whilst placing his right arm along the back of the sofa towards me, reaching his fingertips out to my shoulder. I finished what was on my plate and sat back too. I watched him until he made eye contact with me. 'Hey you' he said as he saw me. He smiled kindly. 'How was that? Good?'

'Yes' I nodded, sipping more wine. 'It was too good, that's the most I've eaten all week'

'I'm glad. I was so worried about you' His eyes searched mine. His beautiful puppy-dog eyes.

I frowned involuntarily as we looked at each other, realising the feeling sweeping through me right then was a compulsion for him, a desire, a craving, a need. I was confused by it, clearly not because I had not felt it before, but because in the context in which I sat at that moment, the thoughts that I had, running through my mind, I could not believe there would be room for lust to rear up inside me so suddenly. I had felt emotionally crushed all week, I had suppressed my love for Seth so hard in self-protection that I thought it would not flow back so easily, but there I was once again, suddenly like a coiled spring and I wanted him like nothing else, like my attraction for him was so far beyond my control, beyond understanding. He saw the fire in my eyes and confusion swept across his face.

I reached to his hand and took his glass from him, placing it on the table and pausing momentarily to regain his gaze before falling against him, taking his face in both my hands and kissing him deeply, slowly, breathing him in and tasting him, allowing my passion to spill from me in a torrent. He froze for a few seconds, stunned, before breathing deeply, taking my face into his hands too until we were locked together embracing each other's faces kissing each other as if it were the first time, as if it were something we had just invented for ourselves.

I tore his shirt out of his jeans and unbuttoned it, my fingers trembling so badly that I stumbled over it. Once the buttons were all free, sliding my hands inside the material and pushing it from his warm skin, quickly returning my hands to roam the fine hair across his chest, as he continued to hold my face and work his tongue into my mouth with astounding technique.

We rose from our seats on the sofa, removing piece by piece of our clothing, throwing each one away from us, only breaking our kiss for brief moments and as shorter time as we could, before hungrily returning to each other's mouths to continue our passionate assault.

We fell to our knees simultaneously, his hands travelling from my face, the full length of my body until he cupped my buttocks in his hands, squeezing them with relish and moaning lightly in pleasure at the feeling. He pulled me to him suddenly, sweeping me down with great strength and cradling me in his arms before lowering me to lie beneath him on the rug beside the leaping flames.

He made it last so very long for us, I let him take control and he lavished me with his faultless attention, with such tenderness and affection, gazing into my eyes. He did not speak to me, merely touched my face as he kissed me and drove his fingers into my hair as I clung to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his hips. We bought ourselves to orgasm together, shaking with passion and with pleasure in unison, then held each other for a long time, still joined together, silent and physically content.

We moved upstairs and lay together as we had done so many times before, for him this moment spelled fulfilment and affection calmness and love. Whilst inside I was breaking, containing my feelings, pushing away the love, which spread through me when he held me, knowing that this would be the last time for us.

I waited until I heard his breathing change and become heavy, occasional sighs escaping him and his embrace loosened, then wept silently in his arms. Containing my shaking, yelling out the pain within my head.

'I'll always love you' I whispered into the darkness.

I pretended to be tired in the morning. Heard him awaken, felt him lean to glance at me, checking if I was sleeping and on seeing my closed eyes, quietly and carefully rising and heading for the bathroom so as not to wake me. I remained motionless and silent for as long as possible, hearing him dress and head downstairs, he returned with coffee for me, placing it beside me on the nightstand before kissing my head. 'Baby, I'm leaving now… I'll see you soon'

Each word like a stab through the heart, the irony of his words unintentionally cutting me to pieces. I flickered my eyes open one more time to see his face, looking back, so close to mine. I nodded, knowing I would be unable to hide my emotion, which would surely betray me in the tone of my voice. I kissed him and closed my eyes tight again until he was gone.

'Goodbye, my love'. I whispered as he closed the door.

**Final chapter on it's way, I hope I've raised a few tears out of you... if not I think the final chapter will get you! Thanks again for continuing to read...**


	11. Chapter 11

The second the door closed I leapt up, grabbing the bag I had secreted in the closet, packed with only the most basic belongings that I would need, except for the tiny white bear, which belonged to our baby and I had clutched in my hands when he died and long afterwards.

I called for a taxi, using a card I had kept in my purse since my trip from the airport to Anna's on my arrival in LA. As I swept though the house, my final glances around the place that was our home, our nest, our haven from all others, memories sprang out at me. The piano we played, the table where we ate, the coffee mug he had used, still warm. Inanimate items teasing and taunting me, tempting me to break down and stop and stay.

Three hours later, I sat aboard a boeing 747, London Heathrow bound. I sat in the window seat, with no one beside me. I had asked the kindest looking steward to help me change seats for privacy, as I had suffered bereavement… because to all intents, I had... Two of them.

When the plane finally, taxied down the runway and lifted from the ground taking me away from LA, from the life I had known and from the truest purest love I had ever felt, my tears began to fall… they did not stop falling for many hours. My friend the steward brought me some food and tea when the cabin was dark and the other passengers dozing in low light.

'To keep your strength up.' He whispered, patting my arm. I nodded and looked him in the eyes with gratefulness but I could not speak or smile.

I arrived at my home in darkness, the little red brick and flint cottage such a familiar sight as I approached it from the lane when the taxi had dropped me off from my 12 hour long journey. It had been raining and the ground was muddy. My kindly old neighbour, Ken, had obviously heard the car and as I approached his door in the adjoining cottage, the porch light flicked on and I heard the bark of Tess, his lively young cocker spaniel.

'Stop it Tess' he scolded in his gruff but impressively strong voice. He was 80 now and had kept himself fit through years of homegrown vegetable cultivation and pheasant hunting at weekends. He had proudly told me three years before when I had moved into the cottage how he was virtually self-sufficient now and ever after had supplied me regularly with the extra produce he couldn't use. Potatoes, tomatoes, apples and occasionally a pheasant on a Sunday. Ken rarely smiled, but his voice had a kindly tone and he loved to chew the fat about the goings on in the area over the back garden fence whilst Tess sniffed and shuffled around in the woodpile for mice.

'You're back.' he observed soberly, as he opened the door and set eyes on me. Now bedraggled and exhausted, weighed down by my own tiredness.

Ken turned back to reach for the key hook behind the door and Tess escaped him as the door moved back, leaping out and nuzzling my hand excitedly.

I patted her soft head and she pushed her wet nose into my palm. Her contact: reminded me of Chester fleetingly.

'Hello Ken' I smiled, feeling genuinely relieved to see him. 'How are you?'

'Oh not so bad, can't complain at my age' he fumbled with the key ring, removing my keys for me and extending his knurled and twisted fingers to me to take them.

'Thank you for watching the house' I said gratefully. 'It was a comfort to know you were keeping an eye on the place'

'Oh it's nothing' he replied unable to take thanks or praise - as usual. Ken was more than happy to help, but embarrassed by anyone's appreciation for his efforts.

'I put all your post on the table there, was about to post it when you rang to say you were coming back. Lucky I wasn't quicker on my feet'

Tess barked at imaginary animals in the darkness.

'Tess' Ken growled in a low voice. 'Get inside' he pointed at the door and she lowered her head, re-entering he house compliantly. He was tough on her but loved her beyond all else. She was his only company, after the death of his siblings and parents, who passed away, one by one over the years. He had never married, staying in the family home he was born in, seeing out the life and care of his aging parents until he was the only one left to this day.

'I set you a fire inside, imagine it'll be cold tonight… you got matches there? He asked, instantly reaching into his pocket and presenting me with a small box without waiting for my reply.

'Thank you' I smiled at him. 'I think I need to rest now, it's been a very long journey' I sighed.

He nodded. 'Never understood it myself, all this travel… better to stick with the things you know'.

I stepped back and he closed the door.

Jet lag arrived in a hurry. I dropped my belongings on the wooden floorboards on the living room and climbed the steep curving staircase to my bedroom, only able to muster the energy to find sheets and pillowcases before falling under the covers, wrapping myself into them and slipping off to sleep immediately.

I woke at midday. The light shone through the tiny windows casting their criss-cross shadows, high on the light painted walls of my tiny bedroom.

I shivered at the contact with the cold air in the room and decided to light the fire and re-start my life again.

In the days, which followed, I set about reminding myself of my former life, my days and nights living in the cottage. Blustery walks in my boots to the village shop and post office to collect milk and bread. Chats with Ken over our garden fence until the pair of us rubbed our hands together with cold and retreated to our respective kitchen to brew tea and warm them on our cups. I bought myself a bunch of home décor magazines, taking them upstairs to sit in my bed and read them cover to cover then slept for hours. It seemed good therapy but I continued to dream of him by night. Imagining his face when he discovered I was gone, his panic as he wondered if I was ok until he read the note I had left on the kitchen counter asking him to respect what I had done and to go on with his life.

One evening I noticed a message waiting on my phone. 'Anna' 1 new message: What have you done Sarah? Please call me xxx.

I shuddered. Too much reality. Anna, still in LA would know full well the fall out of my departure, she might even have seen him, knowing how he was. I was afraid to find out. I fiddled with the keys of my phone, desperately trying to think of a way to reply, which would let her know that I was not ready to talk and I needed time. I put the phone down on the kitchen table and walked away from it; pacing into the living room and slumping onto the sofa, forcing the thoughts out of my mind. The phone rang, I jumped, startled by it, my heart racing as I panicked about who it could be. I didn't want to look at the screen in case it read 'Anna', or much worse 'SM'. I paced into the kitchen and picked up handset. 'Number witheld' 'Fine, if you're not going to tell me who you are, I'm not going to answer'. I let it ring out. Just as I was taking a breath of relief, a message beeped.

Curiosity got the better of me and I dialled into my voicemail.

The voice I heard shouldn't have surprised me.

'Sarah, this is Matt. I just wanted to know that you're ok. I'm not going to say call me because I know that would be unfair. I'm just asking you to think about what you've done, because I can't believe you have from the way you behaved. We're all worried about you honey. Seth is a different man without you. He needs you. Take care sweetie. I miss you.' The call cut off.

I realised tears had welled in my eyes. Matt's tone was so sober, so frank and completely genuine. I knew he called me because he wanted to, not because of some duty to Seth, and it touched me. It would have been easy to rant about Seth but he barely mentioned him, it was his relationship with me, which drove him to it. I rubbed away a tear and swallowed the lump forming in my throat. For a brief moment I wanted to call him back. I would have loved to give myself the comfort of talking to him. Kind, caring Matt. It gave me peace to know he was there for Seth. 'I mustn't crumble' I muttered to myself. Gritting my teeth and leaving the phone where it was. I flicked on the TV, decisively ignoring the fact that I had not got back to Anna. I was not ready for the reality that a conversation with her might bring. I was not ready to have my resolve broken.

I visited my family in Scotland for a week, my elderly parents knew nothing of my experiences, they understood that I worked away regularly and I had told them I was working with Anna in LA. Much as I knew they loved me, I didn't need them anymore and lived my life independently, as did they. Visiting them was the perfect escape. I need not mention anything I was keeping wrapped away in the back of my mind. My visit was peaceful, walks with my father and Piper the dog on the moors. Baking scones with my mother in the stone floored kitchen on her old range cooker. Her hands were becoming arthritic, but she was fit as ever, keeping the house and garden immaculate. In the afternoons we all read and dozed by the iron stove in the living room, burning the wood we had collected in the morning on our walks, before waking around five when my mother would rise and prepare our evening meal, my father knew his role and carried it out without prompt from her, the laying of the table and the warming of the wine before washing any pots and plates my mother had finished with in her preparations.

I watched them from the table fondly as we all listened to comedy sketch shows on Radio Four, before the news and 'The Archers' came on.

I had begun to feel as though I might have made progress and grown away from my LA life. I decided perhaps I could take a call to Anna now, who after all deserved a chance to talk to me. She had done nothing but be my friend, I owed her this at least.

I waited until my parents had gone to bed, the time in LA, I knew would be morning and I could catch Anna before work.

'Sarah' she yelled 'Oh thank God. Are you ok?'

'It's good to hear your voice' I said honestly.

'You too… I am so fucking mad with you Sarah I don't know where to begin.' She gasped. 'Jesus, give me a minute' she caught her breath and paused.

'So do you want to tell me what happened and why the hell you didn't talk to me?'

'Anna…. Look I'm sorry' I stammered, thinking I might well have made a mistake with this call. 'I just… what I did is for the best Anna. I didn't talk to you or anyone else because it was something I decided I had to do… it wasn't anyone's business except mine'

'Oh God' she sighed. 'You didn't even think to talk to Seth?' She said incredulously. 'I couldn't' I muttered.

'Why the hell not? I don't get it Sarah… you two were so close. Why couldn't you talk to him? I don't understand'

'It's hard to explain Anna, really hard.' I muttered.

'Try me?' she said more calmly.

'I did it for Seth' I said finally.

'For Seth?' she repeated. 'I'm sorry, but I fail to see the logic there… Seth is… well Sarah I didn't want to make this into a guilt-trip for you, I'm just happy you're ok… but I have to tell you honey, Seth is a broken man….'

I sighed. 'He'll be ok' I said instantly.

'Oh Sarah' she sighed 'He will survive, but he is not the same person without you. He's working all hours, drinking too much, he won't see anyone or do anything. He just writes music and plays the piano all evening. Matt says he's barely sleeping and he's not taking care of himself. He must have lost a stone in weight already'

I bit my lip, feeling numb, refusing to emotionally connect with what was being said to me, and the images it brought me. I ignored the pain in my chest.

'He's better off without me, Anna… once he gets over this, he'll be better off… all I ever brought him was turmoil and in the end pain… he was better off without me. I did it for him.'

'I don't know what to say Sarah' she sighed. 'You're just not sounding like you. You love him Sarah - he loves you. Remember that? And you know… it's not your fault about the baby… no ones fault…'

'Anna, I've got to go now. My mother is calling me', I lied. You're a good friend and I'm sorry I let you down' 'you didn't let me down' she interrupted. 'I'll call you soon take care. I cut her off before she could do any more damage to my resolve.

I drove the 400 miles back to my home the next day. I had been unable to shake the sickness, which stuck in my throat since my call with Anna.

I could only face dry food because in my throat burning acid kept rising in my anxiety.

I was exhausted on arriving back at the cottage, going straight to bed again to avoid thinking time. The images of Seth, sorrowful and lonely haunted my sleep. I missed him so badly – physically and mentally, and it was the first time I had allowed myself to even think it. I had shut my mind to thoughts of him because they were too painful. I realised I was repeating my daze-like state I fell into when I lost the baby. I wondered if I would ever wake or if I would succeed eventually to detach my emotions and move on from him forever. I believed I was paying the ultimate price for love and that what I was doing was right. I believed in my actions, that I did not deserve him and I was showing love for him beyond myself and this was what he deserved.

My sickness continued, my nausea, which stuck in the back of my throat and would not go away, I understood this would potentially be an hysterical reaction to my pain and that in time I would see it off. I asked Ken to drive me to my doctors one afternoon as I fell too dizzy to do so myself. He waited with Tess in his old Land Rover in the lane next to the primary school, whist I went to my appointment and made a discovery there which brought me out of there in a daze.

'You need looking after' he observed when I climbed silently back into the passenger seat and slumped backwards, I felt weak and stunned.

'I shall find my sister's tincture recipe. She was never ill in years, she swore by it.'

I nodded in response, but did not speak, lost in my thoughts and my nausea and the floating dizziness, which washed over me intermittently, not quite registering the outcome of my appointment.

He drove us back through the village and up into the narrow lanes. He reached for the radio button as he drove, and switched it on. Radio 3 was playing. The programme, was a collection of songs, selected by the presenter and introduced with a brief back story to each one, explaining it's origin or inspiration. I gazed out at the drizzle, watching the wipers move back and forth hypnotically, a light screech on each return.

The radio droned on..." and our special guest today is a critically acclaimed American singer-song writer. In this, the second release from his new album, he explained to our reporter Julie Mc Manahan, his inspiration for the track and the rather emotive reason for its release". I was only half listening, but felt a jolt of recognition inside me, which stunned me as the name was announced. 'Seth MacFarlane, welcome to the programme.'

Then I heard him. I stopped my breath instinctively, instantly straining my ears over the sound of the growling engine as it moved through the gears.

'Thank you'

'Now this track is an interesting one Seth, and I believe quite an emotive subject-matter for you?'

'Uh, yes.. yes it is. It's quite personal.' He sounded tired to me. I was amazed at how I could still tell, even where I was and how I was hearing him, that the nuances of his voice were still detectable to me.

His voice was low and lacked energy. 'The song is about a guy acknowledging regret about a relationship he's lost… He's saying he only realises now that it's gone, just how much it meant to him and he is haunted by the memories of it'

'I see. So this is something, which clearly comes from your own heart Seth. Was this an experience you, yourself have been through?'

A pause.

'Uh, well yes in a way… I have some regrets, about the past… it's kind of therapy for me. In releasing this, I guess I'm trying to exorcise the past or… no, no, it's not that… I guess, to be honest, in releasing this, I'm kind of saying it's not over for me and I don't think, it ever will be. I guess…. I'm reaching out to her when I sing this…hoping she'll hear me. Her name is Sarah'

'That's very moving… Well let's hear the song which is for Sarah, right now, thank you for talking to us today Seth, and here's the new release from Seth's album, the song is 'It's Easy to Remember.'

Dumbstruck, I felt a rush to my head, I felt like I'd been slapped awake. Ken realised nothing of the relevance this moment held for me and I showed no outward reaction. I steadied myself by holding the sides of the seat and when Ken pulled up on the drive in front of our cottages, I didn't move so he came around to my side to open the door and offered his arm to help me get out.

'You're looking very pale, you ought to get inside' Ken murmured.

'Thank you Ken. I stammered. Unable to look at him and knowing I needed very much to get inside and make a call.

My fingers trembled as I rummaged in my bag for my mobile phone. 'Damn it' I muttered, as my fumbling made it hard to carry out any task with ease.

I found it and pressed the keys, focused on the task now, not thinking about anything but dialling the number. Finally I had awakened, snapped out of my grief and my pretence and my desire to punish myself, realising what I had done and praying that I could make things right again.

My heart was thumping hard as I heard the connection and the ringing on the line, waiting for that moment when he would answer and how I would feel when he did. Everything seemed to be happening so slowly, like the midst of a car crash, yet my responses were so fast and acute and uncontrollable,

'Yeah' came the reply. His voice low and quiet, gruff and sleepy. I paused, unable to find the breath to speak, due to holding it for so long.

'Hello' he said again, slightly louder, but in the same tone.

'Seth…' I whispered.

A pause.

'Sarah?'

'Oh God. Seth!' I said softly and began to cry.

'Sarah' he said, his voice melting into a softer concerned tone.

'Are you ok?'

'Mmm', I murmured, unable to speak again, as his presence brought a wave of emotion to me so powerful that it took my breath again.

'I heard you' I whispered through my tears.

'I heard you on the radio… the song…for me'

'You did?…. I never thought you would … but I'd hoped, somehow.' he said softly.

'I'm so sorry Seth…' I trailed off. 'I'm sorry for what I've done.'

'Why did you leave me?' he asked gently, no malice, just sadness.

I took a deep breath.

'I … I was trying to do the best thing for you…' I mumbled.

'How could leaving me be the best thing… I need you and then you leave?' he sounded frustrated and confused.

'I know, I know… I just felt as though... I let you down though. Like I couldn't be all you needed and then the baby… I took that away from you… it was my fault and I couldn't live with it'

I began to sob.

'Don't you ever think that way, that is NOT true.' He said firmly, but then softened again. 'Is that why you left? Why couldn't you talk to me…? Sarah, I was grieving too, I would have understood… we could have helped each other, but you wouldn't talk.'

'I didn't want to make it worse for you… I loved you. I couldn't even bear to look at you. Seeing your pain hurt me more than my own. I just couldn't stand it, and I blamed myself…. my stupid, stupid body that wouldn't work….and yet through all of it, all you ever did was love me and care for me… I felt as though I didn't deserve it… I was giving nothing back to you, just taking and you had a right to more than I was able to be… so I thought you'd be better off without me.'

'I'm stunned Sarah… I don't know what to say to you. Surely you don't believe those things? You are the greatest…' he paused and swallowed, considering his words. 'You are the _only_ love of my life… there will never be another. You're all I ever wanted and you're all that I need. My life stopped being worth anything the day you left.' He paused and went silent.

Perhaps he was afraid that he had gone too far and that I would push him away again. I was silent too but so much flooded through my mind. The only clear thought, which came through to me, I said aloud.

'I thought I was doing the right thing… but I was wrong. I never stopped loving you… I don't think that I could… And I miss you. I miss you so much.

I heard him take a shaky breath, his voice came back after a second and for the rest of my life, no memory will be clearer to me than the words he spoke.

'Sarah, I love you too, I want you, I need you. You're the only woman that ever really made me happy and so… so I'm asking you now to come back to me… come back to LA and live with me… but as my wife… '

I smiled through my tears laughing and crying at the same time.

'Your wife' I repeated quietly.

'Yes. Sarah will you marry me - please...?'

After my acceptance and exchanges of desperate declarations of love between us. He announced. 'I can't do this on the phone. I need to see you. I'm coming to get you, right now'.

'What? Right now?'

'I'm leaving this minute. I don't care what I have to do. I'll call you from the airport, just tell me where I have to get to?'

Waiting was the hardest thing of all. I had suppressed my feelings up until this point but now they had been set free, and reciprocated, now he had asked me to be his wife and my body ached for him. It was 10 in the morning; I knew he would not reach me until very late that night or even early the next day… Not knowing was torturous and my body continued to shake with nerves and excitement and anticipation of that moment I saw him again and our eyes met once more.

I cleaned the cottage to keep my mind busy, wondering what he would make of my tiny little home in the middle of nowhere… so very different to the size and perfection of LA, but in many ways he needed to see this. He needed to know every part of my life, even what was before him, so it felt right that he came.

My nausea seemed to lift almost instantaneously but I still couldn't eat. I kept up my tea intake, almost like a nervous tick and must have drunk 6 cups in 3 hours.

My phone rang in the living room. I ran to it. 'SM'.

'You ok?' I asked anxiously

'Yeah, are you?'

'I'm fine - what's happening?'

'The airport's a disaster, the flight I'm on is going to be delayed they think… bad weather or something… I just don't know what time they're gonna call us… can you watch the arrivals board online? My flight is BA254.' He sounded agitated and full of energy, his booming voice coming through for the first time in a long while.

'Ok yes I can, I'll watch for you…'

'God, I just want to be with you, this is killing me' he said painfully.

'I know, I know… soon' I soothed.

'Text me when you can, I love you so much' I said.

'Me too, I love you honey'

He cut off.

'Damn it' I muttered, I hoped I would know after his call how long I would need to wait but now I was less certain than ever!

I logged into Heathrow arrivals board on line, knowing already that his flight would not be displayed at least until after it had taken off, but I did it anyway… taking every step I could towards having him with me, any little obstacle I could move to get him to me.

By 8pm I was mad with anticipation. Arrivals showed his flight had left only an hour later than planned after all and caught up on some time across the Atlantic due to a good headwind, A small victory. I text messaged him to catch the train from London to Midhurst and said that I would meet him from the station.

I arrived there far too early, only waiting minutes after seeing the flight had landed, before slamming down the laptop screen, grabbing my coat and pulling on boots and gloves… knowing I would be waiting at the deserted station for quite some time and it was freezing and pitch dark outside.

Rain was lashing down and the wind was blustering around, tearing at the trees, creating howling and whooshing sounds with each gust, spraying rain in every direction except downward. I sat with the car engine running and the heating and wipers going as the rain lashed against the glass and my eyes refused to focus on the blurring and pooling water sliding down the windscreen.

By 10.45pm the station departure and arrivals board was simply reading 'due'. I frowned at the frustrating obviousness of it. He had not called me to say he'd caught the right train. I wondered how practical he could be in such situations and wondered if I should have driven all the way to Heathrow instead to bring him back.

At last, the lights of the train appeared in the distance, the humming of the rails intensifying as it drew closer, wheels hissing and sparking against the rails, coated in rainwater. I couldn't wait where I was. I got out of the car, the wind hit me and I struggled with my coat, buttoning it up and not bothering to secure the car, no one was there anyway. I ran to the lights of the station building, splashing through puddles, shrouded by darkness, feeling the water, which sloshed over my legs, seeping through the material of my jeans and cooling in an instant and sticking them to my skin.

I stood on the platform alone as the train rumbled noisily in and the breaks screeched slightly as it halted, the hiss of the doors as they opened, and then the sight of a tall, dark figure who stepped out onto the platform and into the howling storm.

I stood in the rain, staring at him. Distant, at the end of the platform, his bag held in his hand. He looked up, probably just able to make out the shape of the only other figure standing on that platform and he started walking. Pacing at speed toward me and I stood dumbstruck once more at the sight of him. As he came closer and I was able to make out his face, I began walking too, towards him, unable to wait any longer than necessary and time slowed down to a crawl.

Then, like the moment back on the red carpet, that precious, significant, life changing hour-long second when we first set eyes on each other, it happened again. The pang, the electricity, the power. Those beautiful dark, shining eyes met mine, but only for a second before his bag fell to the ground and his arms were around me, wrapping me inside his coat and holding me so tightly I could not breathe.

'My Sarah' he whispered into my hair as his familiar smell washed over me and I pressed my head into his chest.

We smiled so much that our faces ached, I brought him to my home and took care of him, made him tea and we dried our clothes by the fire, then sat at the table, grinning at each other, deliriously happy simply to see each others faces once more.

He tired very quickly, jet lag arriving as suddenly as it did for me and I took him to my bed where he slept in my arms, while I smiled and kissed him when he sighed in his sleep.

In the morning we woke to sunlight. The storm was over and a crisp winter day had begun.

Seth loved my little house, and was soon content and at home, making us tea and keeping the fire fed with logs from the pile, introducing himself to Ken after which they talked about hunting and men's things over the back fence.

We took a trip to the town hall later that week, once our plans were decided. We gave our details in a scruffy little office, to a kindly tubby lady registrar in her late 50's. She smiled as us, remarking at how romantic our plans were, telling us she could see how in love we were and we grinned and squeezed each other's hands happily.

Our day would be a Wednesday... so apparently insignificant, yet the most important day of our lives.

We married alone, in a garden where a small stone temple stood above a dell, surrounded by trees.

We lit candles and scattered rose petals across the floor by our feet. Seth looked so handsome in his dark suit and long black coat, and I ruffled his neatly brushed hair playfully, to make it messy how it usually was and how I loved it.

My dress was floor-length and I wore a feather shawl around my shoulders and tiny roses woven into my hair. He told me I looked perfect.

After the ceremony, we lay in my bed face to face, clutching each other tightly. No words for this moment, as we held each other, looking into each other's eyes, remembering all of the loss and the longing, the fear, the love, and the joy since we had met, as thoughts and memories flooded back though our minds.

He quoted from poetry, as we gazed at each other contentedly, now husband and wife, whispering softly. 'My angel, my all, my very self…. ever mine, ever thine…'

'…ever ours' I whispered back, finishing for him.

Then I gently took his hand, and laid it against my tummy. I paused.

'_He_ is ours...' I said softly, waiting for Seth to register what I was telling him... that I was pregnant with his child once more.

'I found out about him last week just before I called you. I added in confirmation.

Seth's eyes flickered in recognition, then widened in amazement.

'He'll be with us in December.' I whispered, pressing my head against his, realising he understood.

We wept together then: for the child we had lost, for the love we had found and for the wonderful future, which lay before us with our baby son growing strong inside me.

I had never seen Seth cry, but now he did so openly with joy, and I understood that I had reached the very core of him. I held him tenderly, but with all my strength. I knew at last what a precious gift I had received the day his love found me and now I finally felt able to give it back to him measure for measure.

In our marriage, I had vowed to love him and care for him from that day and for the rest of my life, and I knew without doubt that I would.

Our son was born in Los Angeles, one cold late December morning, just as the sun was rising.

He was perfect and tiny with his father's beautiful dark shining eyes.

We brought him home with us to care for him and I smiled as I watched Seth cradle him tenderly in his arms, so proud to be his father, so in love with his son.

These two precious people made up my world and my purpose now, they embodied the only meaning there ever could be in life and they made me feel complete.

Seth kissed those tiny fingers so gently, and told his son that he loved him. Then realising the magic of the moment I was in, I took a mental picture of them for my collection.

**Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**I also hope our man Seth finds his 'happily ever after' some day... :)**


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